February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

It's my birthday next month and I'm very much hoping the monster doesn't send me a card to pollute my letterbox

Maybe if someone is struggling with self esteem write a list of what you think is awesome about yourself.

Also with being unsure about likes and choices maybe start really with basic things - do i like chicken? Do I like the colour yellow?

This may lead to redecorating 😂

As my parents are getting old, I'm starting to feel concern about how I will cope when they've passed away because I'm going to feel a lot of conflicted emotions.

When I was a child, they never prioritised my feelings. I was expected to do things for the benefit of other people always at my own expense. Sometimes strangers. Then they wonder why I've grown up into someone who chooses bad partners.

Many years ago, I was hospitalised for a mental breakdown I had after my marriage failed. Instead of supporting me, my parents treated me like dirt. I really felt that they hated me and I felt very alone. I'm an only child and they would refuse to come and pick me up from hospital in a town far away when my doctor sent me home on weekend release. So my social worker would have to take me home.

In recent years, they have treated me better but there are a lot of things I won't ever forget. Like my mother telling me she didn't love my baby who I'd just given birth to. If I remind her of what she said, now, she's horrified about it. She says she can't have said it.

Anyway, now the tables have turned because they are both getting very old with health problems and they need me. I will help them as much as I can but I have told them that my children come first and I am not disrupting their schedules.

Lyannaa perhaps only help them as much as they helped you. I deeply regret caring for mine, a waste of my time and resources.

Been quietly watching for years & said the odd hello, I'm so ashamed that my mum doesn't love me, but the most
Awful thing has just happened. My brother died and she didn't tell me. He died 7 months ago.
We weren't close but I found out from a relative stranger in the street and I'm
Beyond hurt. Every single person in my family
Withheld this from me. My mum had a truly awful
Childhood and gets a big pass from
Her pals and cousins, but she has always been awful to me. I just feel so so sad

Oh @beachcitygirl I'm so sorry this has happened. You're in the right place here to react however you need to.
Sending you a big hug and lots of strength x

Yes, you're completely right.

I'm so sorry - this is dreadful. Your mother should be ashamed, not you. I can't imagine how it must have felt hearing it from a stranger.

@beachcitygirl I'm so sorry, that's unforgivable!

@beachcitygirl I am so sorry, you must be devastated.

I need a hand hold at the moment. My mother is nearly 88 and she recently has taken against OH. Out of the blue. Accusing him of turning me against her, amongst many other things. He has never been anything but kind and generous to her. I finally had enough of her making snide and hurtful comments and said i want to speak to her about it. We both went round there. Everything came out, every little grievance she has been storing up, all the dislike and spite. She won't admit she ever said or did half the things she has done. I have just had enough. She called me 'controlling' because I have been helping her with her affairs, often because she's asked. i am done with it all. I am going to hand it over to my sister who is the golden child. Every photo in her house is of my sister and her family, it's like I don't exist.

I just feel so so upset. She told us to leave and looked at us with hatred. This is about the 20th time this has happened, but I can't take anymore. I can't shake the feeling that I have been an appalling daughter and behaved badly. OH says I put my points across really well and I shouldn't beat myself up. I just don't know what to do with these feelings of upset and trauma.

@beachcitygirl that's awful I am so sorry

I have a strong feeling Dsis isn't going to tell me when dm passes and it causes me so much stress and anxiety that as awful as it sounds it will give me relief and closure on my awful situation everything my dsis has done to get dm money which she already has is unforgivable so once dm has passed I can have nothing to do with her and move on

Well made it through the weekend. All I can say is that you can really differentiate between those that are more valuable and those who are not (mainly myself). But we all knew that. Now time to do some nice things and be with those who don’t operate like this and make me feel loved again. It’s sad it has to be like this, looking at people only for their value.

I missed a call from my mum yesterday and I did nothing about it. For as long as I can remember I would either answer the call or immediately explain why I couldn’t take the call. Yesterday I saw the missed call, poured myself a glass of wine and snuggled up with my husband.
I’m working on my boundaries right now and this has been a big one.

just sharing this in a safe space x

@Meltedcandlewax If your mum is anything like mine you won’t have been an appalling daughter at all. There are some people who expect you to meet their needs at the expense of all else and the more you give the more they expect from you. The going after your DH and the calling you controlling is probably part of some kind of DARVO, maybe there is a trigger for this you haven’t spotted yet.

Be kind to yourself!!!

I am still bumbling along, the LC is continuing. Still chewing over how I feel about it, but less and less, and because there aren't constant messages, I'm not thinking about it constantly. Did have a bit of a wobble this morning, it's something that happens to me occasionally - I took one of my kids to a theory test this morning. While I was sat in the car waiting for him, a girl in her late teens came out, both parents waiting in the car park, they got out of the car when she came out and there were hugs and smiles and you could see in the body language that they were pleased for her. She had nice hair, nice clothes, you could see that she was the sort of girl who would be confident enough to have a boyfriend and a good friendship group, all the normal stuff. I was out of the blue just so angry. I feel like all that was stolen from me. There had been so much cruel bullying, mostly from him, but my mother didn't help, and from around 14 to 20+ I was convinced that I was so disgusting that I would never be able to have a boyfriend. I was so lonely and so ashamed. I can still feel the pain of it now.

Looking back I can understand that my parents had destroyed my mental health, my self esteem, that those thoughts weren't accurate, that I was really in a bad place and in desperate need of help. Things did get better over time, obviously. But sometimes I see happy teenage girls and I feel so overwhelmed with hurt for teenage me. That they could be so cruel and also so oblivious to the damage they had done.

(my kid passed FWIW)

I’m a little worried about some of my older daughter’s comments. Her father is a narcissist and I’ve read that it’s often quite contagious. When you are good supply for a narcissist you can absorb their narcissistic grandiose projections and start to believe you are better than others. Is there anyway to counter this? It’s always been a worry of mine. She somehow has started to think she is simply entitled to things and that I’m her enemy when I say no.

Happyfarm

Is contact with her father at all court ordered?. If not then you have more options. I would keep her well away from her father going forward and use a contact centre. She is being unduly influenced by him and she is too young to realise she is being manipulated here and otherwise used for narc supply.

Unfortunately it is court ordered. Managed to stall it for a few years in court but eventually it was granted as his new girlfriend is enabling everything 😔 Her attitude is slowly becoming a little hostile. I always thought it was down to her ADHD but she is getting worse. I feel like she views me as weak because I’m not a narc and I don’t think anyone is more entitled to anything.

Cheekysnake

Such wobbling is normal.

Am so sorry you as that teenage girl was abjectly let down by her parents. It was not your fault and it's not your fault they are like this. At least the cycle of abuse and dysfunction has stopped at you because you do not treat your own child so abysmally. Like your parents too you had a choice when it came to your child and you chose to treat your child well.

Continue low contact and over time reduce it further. Low contact also often leads to no contact.

Glad to read he passed. I remember feeling similarly elated when DS passed his theory test (Mr M and I were sitting in a coffee shop waiting for him).

Can you go back to court Happyfarm?. Can she see him in a contact centre instead of elsewhere?. BTW I would not assume his gf actually has ADHD because that does not equal abuse or you being derided as a person. She is far more likely than not to be your common or garden abusive person instead.

@AttilaTheMeerkat sorry my daughter is the one with ADHD not the gf.

The other day she made fun of my illness (m.e) and it was very hurtful. I remember when I was young and vulnerable when I met him and how charismatic and alluring he was. When you are vulnerable these narcs are just so strong and appealing. I really fear that she will take this attitude on board and think that he is the parent to follow. Everyone wants to feel strong and I suppose people align themselves with those who appear to be this especially when they are vulnerable. I really want her to be high in self esteem but from within and not from this external situation . I don’t want her dependent on him, it’s my worst nightmare.

Meltedcandlewax

It's not you, it's your mother. SHE is the one who has behaved appallingly here, not you. Like so many adult children of narcissists you also received the Special Training from early childhood onwards to put your mother's needs first with your own dead last. Women like this cannot do relationships at all. Never let there be a 21st time she can beat you up emotionally.

She sees your other half as competition so hates him. He should also have nothing to do with your mother going forward.

Drop the rope and hand over all the responsibility to your golden child sister. I daresay she has done very little or perhaps nothing to date re her mother but you do not owe her anything either, let alone a relationship.

I would suggest you seek out a therapist to deal with trauma. Interview such people carefully and at length before choosing any one particular person to work with.

I would also read How to heal after narcissistic abuse by Caroline Strawson.

Have a look also on Youtube at Dr Ramani's content.

I think you are right about the competition. i was talking to OH about that today. She's decided that it's his fault she has no relationship with me as he is 'not family minded!'. I think it's jealousy. i would leave my sister to deal with everything but she only does what benefits her and is no good with money. Someone needs to sort my mother's banking and savings etc. It just won't be done if I don't do it. I think though that i need to step away regardless and if her affairs are in a mess, they're in a mess.

@CheekySnake I used to get the odd wobble when I was first NC but once people are out of your life you are not being constantly triggered. It becomes normal not to think about them. You also have to find other things to fill your time or in my case I just relax enjoying the peace.

I am/was also angry at how hard my life was especially as a teenager until I left home at 17. There was no love, affection, support or guidance in my family. I treat my dogs with more kindness and love.

I have a lovely supportive husband (30 years), who I wouldn't have met had my life been different. So for that I am grateful.