February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

@CheekySnake i can relate to a lot of what you’re saying, especially with regards to feeling sorry for teenage you and for experiencing a wobble. I’m in a similar place at the moment and it’s tough.

Im NC for almost a year and at the weekend I had a big birthday. The anticipation of whether or not I would get a card/gift sent in the post was horrible (my parents have continued to send gifts to my kids during the NC), I hate how their actions have such a big impact on me. Anyway, I arrived home from being away for a couple of days and there was a card from my parents, my husband read it and it seemed tame enough. The fact that it was somewhat normal made me feel like a bitch by going NC, that’s what I struggle with a lot. I have ample evidence of how abusive they are and yet that self doubt, self loathing and fear always puts the responsibility of the relationship on my shoulders. I know that I was trained from birth to be this way but knowing it and actually getting rid of those feelings is very difficult. My EF is archived in my WhatsApp and I could see that a message had been sent. I asked my husband to read it and it said, something like, happy birthday….. we have a gift for you but would like to meet up to give it to you. The manipulation is still going strong with this pair. I don’t believe they have a gift, they/ NM wouldn’t spend the money on a gift for me if they couldn’t get something from me in return. They were happy to not give a gift, not that I wanted one but it’s awful to see their ability to still be abusive, even from afar while being NC. My narcissistic sister sent a message wishing me “peace and happiness” in my new decade, not even a card from her, just a passive aggressive text. Ignore my moaning, I just had to write this down. The hurt these people have caused me, and continue to cause me, is awful. I’m doing all the therapy and personal work etc but I hope I can learn to not let them affect me so much. Sorry to all who are experiencing this too.

I'm sorry for us all not to have been loved or guided.

I often want to say that I'm in awe of those of you in happy marriages. You've come a long way to come from our shit upbringings to achieve that.

June

So very sorry this is happening to you.

I would think you do this already but any gifts they send your children should not be acknowledged in any way nor given to your kids. These should be taken asap to a local charity shop.

The card they sent you should have been shredded without opening. I can understand why he read it though.

Keep going with the therapy and personal work. Remember it’s not you, it’s them.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for your response and advice. You’re right, going forward I’ll donate the kids gifts, I don’t acknowledge the gifts but I would give them to them, which I never felt fully comfortable with. I try to remind myself every day that’s it’s them and not me, waiting for that message to truly sink in though. Hopefully with time things will get a bit easier.

Thanks everyone x. It helps to not be the only one. It's been a common thing since I had my own children, when they hit milestones and you see just how let down you were. It's hard. My mother told me before xmas that she's told my stepbrother what to do with her ashes when it's time. She didn't include me in the conversation. I know it's dumb to feel hurt by it. But at the same time, it just said so clearly that that is where her family is. It makes you rethink things a bit. She does stuff like that I guess because I'm secretive and withdrawn, but I'm secretive and withdrawn because she does stuff like that.

Need advice please.

I received a forwarded text from monster ex sister saying that an old neighbour of mum's has died. He was a nice man but obviously not a part of my life. His, now, widow is nice too. But, tbh, the widow and dead man didn't survive my cull of mutual acquaintances.

The text is clearly from the widow to the monster. It says 'Hi Monster sad news, Brian unexpectedly died on Friday. I thought you would want to know. Please let Dog know too xx'

Then also forwarded from Monster is 'can you forward that message to Dog please you know she has blocked me 🤷🏼‍♂️'

The person forwarding said to me I know you said you want to know nothing about Monster and to never forward anything but I thought you would want to know.

In response to the forwarder I did a few laughing emojis, didn't mention the dead guy and said 'you know you're being used right? She doesn't care about the dead guy, or you, she's just checking to see whether you can get hold of me and now she'll check back with you to see if she succeeded. Try saying that you don't want to pass information or any communication back and forth '

I deliberately didn't mention the dead guy and I wanted to take any possible fun out of it for the forwarder by telling her she's being used as a tool.

I don't know what to think or do. The widow is a nice woman but I'm never going to see her again, I'd never have seen the dead guy again. I avoid the area in order to minimise any chance of running into any mutual acquaintance of monster. For me the past is dead.

But maybe I should send her a sympathy card, she's done nothing wrong. BUT as the widow is in text comms with the monster she'll mention, innocently, that she received a card from me. Thereby giving Monster the information that I received the message. The widow clearly doesn't know that Monster and I are NC.

I'm angry with the forwarder too, I don't think she understands how very deeply I HATE the monster and how long and how badly she abused me. And how very very much I don't want to know anything at all, whatsoever. I had previously said to the forwarder please don't give me any messages or information, it ruins my day and I'm not interested.

I think she thinks blood is thicker than water 🤮

She, the forwarder, is a lovely person with a very big heart. She has been through unimaginable trauma herself, the kind of stuff you'd read in a misery lit book. She's deeply and genuinely Christian and has forgiven her own monstrous abusers. Also she's from a different culture and English isn't her first language.

I want to give her a pass and i want to send the widow a card. But I'M LIVID

I'm livid that that cunt did this 🤷🏼‍♂️ emoji

I really am 🤣

I'm so so sensitised, am I nuts?

I think I'll say one more time please don't tell me anything or forward anything, you're the only person who I've trusted enough to not block. Kind of put her on a final warning.

My instinct is to cut ties with the forwarder but I'm very very fond of her and I really don't think she's a stirrer.

I've decided not to send a card, I'm not important enough to the widow for it to be an issue.

To the forwarder I'll say, again, I know you mean no harm but please don't tell me anything under any circumstances whatsoever even if you think that i might want to know the answer is always that I don't want to know. If she does it again she gets the chop.

Are all the Stately Homes threads in one place somewhere? I can't seem to find them, and there's no link to the original thread at the top of this one, although it says there is.

Thanks!

I wouldn’t react to any of it. You can’t really control the actions of anyone. Maybe send a card if it feels like the right thing to do for you. As for them discussing if you got a text or not, who cares, it’s so unimportant really in the scale of life. The only power is you making it important. We all know that we are probably topic of conversation all the time (in a negative way).

I have to say realising how little control we have of things has been incredibly freeing. I wonder if as a child we thought we had control and brought this belief into adulthood. It’s reduced my anxiety hugely and I’ve been absolutely fine after the weekend still. Massive change for me.

I wouldn't send a card either. The widow barely knows you. She won't notice. Focus on your own safety and wellbeing.

It's not about being talked about, they can talk themselves to death, not my business.

I don't want Monster to have any confirmation of a route of communication to me. I don't want her to have any pleasure in regards to 'controlling' me enough to get me to send a card. Nothing, I want her to get no pleasure or satisfaction regarding me, ever.

I did have a little chuckle over a washing up/dishwasher conversation. She actually thinks she was more superior over never using a dishwasher. The smugness. Who genuinely could boost their self esteem over this. Differences of opinions are not welcome as they are a threat, even over small things such as this. I noticed how the other DIL and BIL was 100% agreeable to everything MIL said, never a seconds thought. She is god like to them. No one can agree with everything someone else says. I have no issues disagreeing. You could literally see and feel the level of supply was boosting the MIL. No wonder she wants to be around people who agree and stay away from those who don’t as these external sources have a
massive effect on her.

Am i being weirdly controlling re this?

Reading the situation it sounds like one of those typical damned if you do, damned if you don’t situations. If you don’t respond in some way Monster can use it as proof that you are the bad one, if you do respond it will give Monster a boost and perhaps a sense of control.

I think you can only do what you feel is right in this situation. Take Monster out of the equation and focus on whether you want to send a card or contact the bereaved person.

I don’t think you are being controlling in the situation. It’s just the knots these toxic family members tie us up in. We end up feeling scared of giving them any sense of power over us because we end up scared that the cycle will start over again, it’s a natural consequence of being on the receiving end of toxic/abusive people.

I think don’t send a card, she will create some kind of view over it anyway as they delusional like this. Don’t send a card/send a card and forget about it otherwise she is getting headspace. That’s what they want. Who cares what she does with this small bit of information, that’s their weird little world to
worry about.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/440839-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes-a-thread-for

This is the original thread ThisFluentBiscuit. This is what led to the Stately Homes thread being created. If you go to Advanced Search you can find them all.

As there are so many of these now going back many years I no longer copy the very older threads over. I've also got a new computer keyboard and am still learning about its many and varied functions!.

Hi all, I've been lurking on these threads for a little while wondering if I fit in here and after seeing my dad at the weekend for the first time since Christmas and being cast into days of misery as a result, I think I do.

I have always felt bullied and judged by him, but when my mum was alive this was insulated quite a lot because she was very fawning and soothing and excused him a lot of things (including his affairs and his alcoholism) and she was also a genuinely caring mother to me. She died five years ago and since then his narcissistic behaviour has become much more obvious, especially as he quickly acquired a new girlfriend who is just as snobbish and judgemental as he is, if not more so (her adult children are seemingly almost no-contact with her, which I think is interesting).

He is relatively famous in his field and is therefore surrounded by flying monkeys, and is obsessed with his reputation and how he is perceived. He flatters and flirts with my friends and peers my age and tries to win them over by doing them over-the-top favours (for eg he took one of my now-ex-friends on holiday to France!!!!) and loves telling me how great they are, and especially telling me how great they think he is. He also finds out who my work colleagues are, contacts them using my name and tries to get them to give him work opportunities instead of me (unfortunately I am in a semi-related career to his, and lately he's tried to colonise my niche in my career much more, especially as his new girlfriend is also in my field), which is horrible and embarrassing.

Unfortunately this has lost me some friends over the years and I now have only a small group of friends I trust, plus my DH who is generally a very chilled-out, non-judgemental person, which is a constant relief.

I worry that it would be unfair to deny my young dc a relationship with their grandfather, as he currently dotes on them (when he finds time to see them, about once every three months) and spoils them with presents, but I worry about when they get older and start having more opinions and obviously individual personalities of their own, and I just don't want him to bully them the way he has done to me with constant comments and judgements which have destroyed my self-esteem over the years.

I am also terrified of becoming like him and inadvertently treating my children the way he treated me.

Sorry this is so long but writing this out has made me realise how bad things are. I think I need to grey rock much more. It's just so painful, isn't it. I wish I could go no-contact with him but it sometimes feels as though everyone loves him except me and I'm the crazy one who is never good enough.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences on this thread, it is so inspiring how strong you all are.

You're not crazy he sounds like a weird, mental and horrible bastard.

Ha!!! Oh my god just hearing someone say this about him is weirdly validating! He IS weird and mental!

He is! Imagine your child grows up to be a self employed electrician. Would you snaffle around behind their back and befriend all their customers and go into the particular niche of media wall installations that they do thereby jeopardising their livelihood?

No. Because it's NASTY.

Also what kind of lunatic goes on holiday with someone else's parent unless he tricked her into thinking you would be there or something. The first words out of her mouth should have been to check with you what's happening. Cow.

He's zero loss to your kids.

AND you won't be like him to your dc because you worry about how you might affect your dc. It's not a thought that would cross his mind ie how he might injure you.

I'm in a take no prisoners mood 🤣

I'm mighty pissed off re the forwarded text. I don't give a fuck about the contents of the text or what is said about me behind my back.

It's the forwarding that has made me go all King Kong. I didn't go NC by accident!