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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared & alone.

122 replies

FlakyExpert · 10/02/2025 20:46

Posting in sheer desperation. Never thought this would be me. Sat in a car park alone, I've tried the Samaritans a couple of times but they must be overwhelmed.

Massive bust up with husband tonight. He's put a hole in the wall and held a knife to his own throat. Ive run out and driven away in the car shaking.
His mother has messaged me threatening me if anything happens to her son. Said she'd "find me". I've blocked her.

Im paralysed- don't know whether to go back, find a hotel... I tried ringing him once as she scared me but he didn't answer so of course now I'm scared he has done something.Im absolutely desperate, I can't believe this is real life anymore.

OP posts:
Muffin777 · 10/02/2025 20:48

Get a hotel. Somewhere warm and safe. Do not go back tonight. Then tomorrow, after some sleep, start making plans to leave him.

Original poster
FlakyExpert · 10/02/2025 20:50

Muffin777 · 10/02/2025 20:48

Get a hotel. Somewhere warm and safe. Do not go back tonight. Then tomorrow, after some sleep, start making plans to leave him.

I think you're right. Thank you for taking the time to respond, it means everything.

What if he's done something stupid?

OP posts:
Motherrr · 10/02/2025 20:50

He is an adult responsible for his actions.

Keep yourself safe and sleep on it

Cynic17 · 10/02/2025 20:51

Go to a hotel.
Do keep trying Samaritans, once you are in a safe space.
Or you can text Shout.
Whatever your husband does or does not do is absolutely not your responsibility. His mother is wrong, and you were right to block her.

SkaneTos · 10/02/2025 20:51

Take care of yourself!

Muffin777 · 10/02/2025 20:52

FlakyExpert · 10/02/2025 20:50

I think you're right. Thank you for taking the time to respond, it means everything.

What if he's done something stupid?

Show quote history

It is far more likely he will hurt you than himself. Do not go back. Suicide threats and threats of violence even to himself is abuse. Call the police if you genuinely think he will hurt himself. But do not go back.

StormingNorman · 10/02/2025 20:53

Please tell me you’ve callled 999. He is violent and suicidal and needs the emergency services to get him to a place of safety.

2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 20:53

I would ring the police and report as a vulnerable adult. That will stop the nonsense from him and his mother if it's a threat to scare you into getting back in the box he thinks you belong in.

dizzydizzydizzy · 10/02/2025 20:55

Dial 999 and go to a hotel

JanglingJack · 10/02/2025 20:57

Ring the police for a welfare check. They may take him out of the house and you can be in it tonight. I should imagine he'd be taken to the crisis unit at the hospital.

Fluffywabbits · 10/02/2025 20:59

Also here to recommend calling the police for a welfare check - to protect you as well as him.

Fouradayistoomuch · 10/02/2025 21:01

He’s manipulating you OP.
Ring the police and tell them that he is a danger to himself and that is your responsibility towards him discharged. The police and MH services will soon be able to tell if he is really suicidal.
Now you need to look after yourself and make plans to LTB

QueenBarbs · 10/02/2025 21:06

I have been in your position OP. 8 months separated now, and he still tries to guilt me by threatening to end his life, but after a lot of help from a local domestic abuse charity, I have learned to accept that I am not responsible for his actions. Plus he's also never carried through with any of his threats!

Get yourself somewhere safe and make your feelings your priority. I know it's hard but stay strong!

QueenBarbs · 10/02/2025 21:07

And yes as others have said, call the police for a welfare check.

Original poster
FlakyExpert · 10/02/2025 21:10

Update - he's messaged to say he won't hurt himself but that I'm clearly only selfishly worried about myself. At least I know he's alive.
I'll look for a hotel, it's freezing out here.

What a mess.
It's amazing how strangers on the Internet can make you feel less alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlakyExpert · 10/02/2025 21:13

QueenBarbs · 10/02/2025 21:06

I have been in your position OP. 8 months separated now, and he still tries to guilt me by threatening to end his life, but after a lot of help from a local domestic abuse charity, I have learned to accept that I am not responsible for his actions. Plus he's also never carried through with any of his threats!

Get yourself somewhere safe and make your feelings your priority. I know it's hard but stay strong!

Im so sorry you've had to experience this.
I've been such an idiot and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Warmcuppa · 10/02/2025 21:13

Firstly - none of this is your fault. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
If you are concerned about his welfare, please call 999 and tell them he is threatening to hurt himself, they will do a welfare check and make sure he is ok.
I've been here before and like you felt like it was my fault. My ex used to threaten to hurt himself to provoke and hurt me - it is manipulation and abuse.
He needed help, but so did I and getting out of that situation and being safe was the best thing I ever did.
Get yourself somewhere safe, and do not let him or anyone who may tell him where you are tonight if you are in danger.
In the cold light of day, if he tries to apologise or guilt you, please please make sure you continue to look after yourself and remember this is not on you.

oakleaffy · 10/02/2025 21:15

Muffin777 · 10/02/2025 20:52

It is far more likely he will hurt you than himself. Do not go back. Suicide threats and threats of violence even to himself is abuse. Call the police if you genuinely think he will hurt himself. But do not go back.

Show quote history

Suicide threats are used to manipulate and control people.
You cannot live with this control and drama.

His mother sounds pretty bad and a violent piece of work as well,

I agree with others- He’s far more likely to hurt you than himself.

Can women’s aid help?

Have you a friend that you can go to that he doesn’t know the address of?

Ghastly behaviour.

He probably learned it at his mother’s knee ~histrionics and threats.

beadystar · 10/02/2025 21:16

Get yourself somewhere safe and warm.
Call the police.
Tomorrow, make the practical plans for leaving.
Threatening self-harm to control someone, smashing the wall etc, is abuse.
And ignore his bloody mother.

xRobin · 10/02/2025 21:20

FlakyExpert · 10/02/2025 21:10

Update - he's messaged to say he won't hurt himself but that I'm clearly only selfishly worried about myself. At least I know he's alive.
I'll look for a hotel, it's freezing out here.

What a mess.
It's amazing how strangers on the Internet can make you feel less alone.

Enjoy the solace of a hotel tonight OP.
A locked, safe door and a clean bed will help you feel better.
If his Mum is threatening you, the apple didn’t fall far did it?
Leave him.
You can ask to be escorted into the house to collect your valuables and anything you don’t want him to destroy. A neighbour, a relative, a friend, the Police.
I don’t know how abusive he is, but leaving him could be dangerous for you.
Let as many people know as possible that you’re leaving him and why.
Tell him that tomorrow. Just as you’ve pulled up to the house so he doesn’t have time to change locks/destroy anything.
”I am coming to collect my things, Sarah/Steve is coming with me. Jeff and Bonnie are in the car waiting for me.”

oakleaffy · 10/02/2025 21:20

FlakyExpert · 10/02/2025 21:13

Im so sorry you've had to experience this.
I've been such an idiot and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone in real life.

Show quote history

Why should you feel ashamed ?
One of mum’s very middle class friends was beaten up by her husband- ( she left but still bears defensive scars on her hand ✋)

Lord Somerset - one of the wealthiest families in Britain- was a wife beater for years and was sentenced at Bristol crown court.

DV cuts across all classes.

Nothing to be ashamed about.

EarthSight · 10/02/2025 21:22

Well done for getting out of that house. What you're going through would frighten most people.

Try to slow your breathing and ask yourself what you need to be comfortable and safe tonight. I really think you need police support right now. Don't go back there because you're not safe with him.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 10/02/2025 21:23

I think the police need to know as he sounds dangerous. A knife is a weapon he could very well turn on you.
Stay safe and keep posting on here. You will get lots of support.
That message he sent you was highly manipulative. Someone who had been ready to commit suicide wouldn’t have the thought process to even type it, never mind send it.
He has done it to frighten you.
Let his mother look after him she sounds vile.
Stay safe but when things have calmed a bit please consider reporting this for your own safety,

xRobin · 10/02/2025 21:23

FlakyExpert · 10/02/2025 21:13

Im so sorry you've had to experience this.
I've been such an idiot and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone in real life.

Show quote history

At some point in your relationship, without you even realising this, he has banked on making you feel ashamed for this in the hopes it will keep you where he wants you.

You can leave with your head held high OP.
There is no shame in this.

Whenever I feel too nervous or scared to do something for myself, I do it for little me. I prove to 7 year-old me that I’ve got this, I’ve got her and I’ll make it okay.
And so will you x