Scared & alone.

[FlakyExpert]

Posting in sheer desperation. Never thought this would be me. Sat in a car park alone, I've tried the Samaritans a couple of times but they must be overwhelmed.

Massive bust up with husband tonight. He's put a hole in the wall and held a knife to his own throat. Ive run out and driven away in the car shaking.
His mother has messaged me threatening me if anything happens to her son. Said she'd "find me". I've blocked her.

Im paralysed- don't know whether to go back, find a hotel... I tried ringing him once as she scared me but he didn't answer so of course now I'm scared he has done something.Im absolutely desperate, I can't believe this is real life anymore.

Or neighbours actually.

People who use a suicide threat as blackmail are the pits. I've known other women in this situation and you have a choice to either listen to the threat and do what they ask meaning they will resort to this time and time again or you walk away.

I actually consider your safety to have been threatened so I would report to the police. I'd also check on Google maps and Findmy that you're not sharing your location with him.

@FlakyExpert please don't feel like you're an idiot or be ashamed. Hes clever in how he manipulates you and he wants you to feel exactly as you are.

I know it's easy sitting on the other side now, saying you shouldn't feel those ways because when you're living that situation it's so hard not to feel that way.

Getting out and keeping yourself safe is the best thing you could have done, you've done amazing tonight to do that!

Lots of support here for you, stay safe and please keep us updated.

Definitely notify the police.
His text is probably proof of his earlier threats, save a copy of it & share with the police if that's possible.
Keep yourself safe

OP you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I hope you're safe in a hotel now and that you manage to get some rest. You can call the police tomorrow and get some advice. And please do let your family and friends know tomorrow - they will want to help and support you. Look after yourself lovely 💐

His mother's attitude is disgusting.
This is a reflection on her than you.
Your husband's behaviour is complete manipulation. You have done the right thing, you should be proud of yourself.
Tomorrow be confident in yourself and leave the pair of them to it. You're way above this.

Are you in a safe place now ?

Hi OP- I’m so sorry that you’ve had a frightening time. It’s a hard situation to be in.

When you’re in your hotel do try Samaritans again- you might have a wait but just distract yourself with TV or something whilst you’re on hold. They can’t tell you what to do, but they can hear what you have to say a explore your options.

You could also try shout, who provide support via text https://giveusashout.org/

I would also encourage you to think about calling the police and report domestic abuse, but only you can make that decision.

Premier Inn for the win. I'm in a hot bath, not convinced there'll be much sleeping tonight. I drove to Asda and I'm feeling proud of myself for being sane enough to procure toothpaste and a hairbrush so I don't have to look quite so bedraggled tomorrow.

Yes im so sorry, I didnt mean to imply victims of abuse should feel any shame. Only that I feel like a very foolish woman. He's not physically abusive but he's broken things before, ripped shirts from his body, etc. I left once before and stayed with a friend but I feel too ashamed to tell anyone because I stayed didn't I? I just let myself get in deeper. Like a frog in hot water.

We've only been married a few years and I feel so stupid to have given up my happy, secure life and financial independence. I know these things are nothing compared to your well being, but I feel so unbelievably stupid.

@FlakyExpert you are not stupid. You trusted and loved someone who has chosen to destroy the faith you had in them. Any shame is his for his actions and choices. These situations never improve unfortunately, he will likely get worse and his behaviour will undoubtedly escalate. It can be very hard to leave and for many it takes multiple attempts. This is no fault of yours but due to the manipulation and fear inflicted by this man who tries to make you believe you can’t leave. You can leave and you must, do it for your future self, she will thank you. You are stronger than you know.

You don’t sound stupid to me. You’ve done the best possible thing for yourself- you’ve got to safety and are seeking support.

Well done OP, you have done the right thing in leaving and thankfully are warm and safe tonight. You are not stupid, you didn't expect your trust to be broken. You entered into a relationship with high hopes for a happy future and couldn't have predicted this would happen. Do follow the advice you've been given on this thread though, stay strong and look after yourself.

Great to hear you are safe, please don't be afraid to tell people what you are going through. Any shame is his and not yours.

Love can make anyone vulnerable to abuse.

You are incredibly brave to get yourself out of that situation and to a place of safety.

It took me a long time to admit my ex-partner was abusive. He did something very similar (using knives and medication) and it got worse over time when he realised it was an effective method of control and emotional manipulation.

There is a much brighter future ahead for you, look after yourself.

Still sat here in the bath. He's been messaging and I haven't opened a single one so he screenshotted them and sent them as email attachments. Wish I hadn't seen that. "I take no blame for what happened tonight." All the things he & his mum said are just swirling round my head. I know that's a fool's errand and I know what I'd say to a friend, it's just harder to hear your own counsel isn't it? Jesus, bored of my own thread now!

Practical question for the ladies that have done this before. How do you start again, financially? If he's going to take half of everything, (and it was mine, why the hell didn't I protect it? What a fool I've been) how do I survive? I suppose people do this everyday but it feels so daunting.

OP, I have worked with many women who have been victims of domestic abuse and violence. This is not your fault. It can happen to anyone. Women from all walks of life are affected. You are not stupid. Abusers are very clever and reel their victims in over time. They wear you down, gaslight and traumatise. You’ve done the right thing by leaving. Please contact women’s aid for immediate support. They will help you. It takes bravery to leave. You’re doing the right thing.

Start by seeing a lawyer. It's a short marriage so he shouldn't get much. But do sort it immediately so you can separate the finances ASAP.

Oh lord, how terrifyingly common this is proving to be. I'm so sorry.
I've made so many excuses - a thoroughly devastating childhood, that will surprise no one given the MIL chat - but i know it's not ok. Or, at least, not my problem to solve. And then a voice pipes up in my head reminding me of all my own character flaws.

@FlakyExpert threats and abuse are never justified. Any ‘character flaws’ you see in yourself are just normal human things, no one is perfect but a lack of perfection does not mean you need to live in fear or somehow atone for your flaws through suffering. You deserve better, there is no excuse for abusive behaviour. You can do this.

I once ended up literally fleeing someone once after living with him for 3 years- left most of my stuff behind - so many of us have stuff in our history OP that we don't broadcast and yet are intelligent women - please don't beat yourself up -

Have a read of this tonight. It might help get those swirling thoughts straight.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Turn your phone on to flight mode so you can’t get any more messages tonight. Tomorrow, report both him and his mother to the police. They are both abusing you. His mother is known as a flying monkey. Look it up. Also, you went back before. Don’t go back again. And don’t feel bad that you went back before. The vast majority of women suffering abuse do go back. On average 7 times before they finally leave for good. So you have done incredibly well. Speak to women’s aid for advice and support.

These are just flaws though are they. He is violent, abusive and controlling. Unstable even. Put your safety first. Ring and log with the police. Ask them to do a welfare check at least. Keep all messages. Contact local DV services tomorrow morning.
Please don't go back.
I was stuck for 11 years with my X. Ended with me finally pressing charges for assault.
Recently he has been to prison for strangling a partner and threatening her with a knife.
Please put yourself first xx

I cant thank you enough for this - and an online pdf directly contravenes my professional oversight at work and yet I've never been more grateful!!
I've heard of this title before and never thought it applied to my situation, and yet the preface completely pulled the rug out from under me.
I've already been reading it, and weeping intermittently, for 2 hours. If I'm not going to sleep then this is the best use of my time. Possibly the longest bath I've ever had, but at least it's not my bill tonight.

A thousand thank yous. Make this a mumsnet sticky.

Are you and your wife still together? Because that really isn't normal behaviour.