Scared & alone.

[FlakyExpert]

Posting in sheer desperation. Never thought this would be me. Sat in a car park alone, I've tried the Samaritans a couple of times but they must be overwhelmed.

Massive bust up with husband tonight. He's put a hole in the wall and held a knife to his own throat. Ive run out and driven away in the car shaking.
His mother has messaged me threatening me if anything happens to her son. Said she'd "find me". I've blocked her.

Im paralysed- don't know whether to go back, find a hotel... I tried ringing him once as she scared me but he didn't answer so of course now I'm scared he has done something.Im absolutely desperate, I can't believe this is real life anymore.

That really doesn't matter. Especially to strangers on the internet.

I agree. Also, you can save money by educating yourself and doing some of the legwork - Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies etc.

@Builderforhire123 this is op's thread to have a safe space for support on her current situation.
Which women such as myself who have had to endure similar experiences are happy to offer kind words to help.
This is not the space for you to enter to challenge or berate someone in a time of vulnerability. Go start your own discussion somewhere else.

Was the house yours before the marriage and is it rented or did you buy it. Whose name is everything in?

Certainly report all this to the police today.

Hope you're doing ok this morning, glad you got a hotel for the night. Be proud of yourself for getting out and doing that! I hope this is the start of a better future for you. He will try make things difficult but honestly in the long run you can be so much happier without him.

Yes it sadly seems to be a common behaviour with some men.
We all have flaws, but the persistent gaslighting and blame placed on you by both your partner and his mother goes beyond that.

You are not responsible for his actions and using self harm as a threat is a massive red flag - it is abuse.

He will no doubt be frustrated you have not admitted it is your fault (if he is trying to break you down), but may try other methods to get you back if he realises his current method isn't working, promising it will never happen again (until it does) etc.

I'm glad others on here have provided links to helpful reading.
Regarding finances, a short marriage shouldn't result in him being able to take much of what is yours.

Take care and look after yourself

If you have no kids and it is a short marriage, it will be comparatively easy to dissolve without too much loss to you.

What the actual fuck?

Given this addition, I don't think you have anything to bring to this thread.

@Builderforhire123 it's crackpot behaviour. If you were so miserable you should have lifted your keys and jacket and left. This man should also be able to recognise something isn't working and if he's so desperate, leave and go see his mum for support not threaten to top himself and blame her. If he chooses that, it's on him not her

You sound abusive and manipulative. Her words hurt you so you tried to threaten her by holding a knife to your own chest and, “screamed” at her to push it in and twist it? Wtaf? I hope she left you and you’ve stayed single ever since. You’re in control of your own behaviour just like every other abusive man. She never made you do anything. If you didn’t like what she said you should have left but you chose a violent threat instead. And you blame that on your wife. Your thinking is twisted. And why are you on MN? This is meant to be a safe space for WOMEN not men. Why the fuck is it always warped men on here? Are you researching to find better ways to manipulate women or infiltrating to tell women off and rubbish their issues, which I see all the time on here from men. This post is nothing but victim blaming and it reeks to me. He held a knife to his throat to manipulate her. He CHOOSE to do that as did you. That’s why.

You’re welcome. I hope it helps you. It’s a very enlightening read. How are you today? I hope you’re safe.

I'd go and talk to the police. Show them all the messages, plus those from your mother in law.

I'd text him saying any further contact will be classed as harassment. (Though I can understand why you wouldn't be ready for that step yet).

My ex husband made suicide threats throughout our marriage. When I left, he even left me a voice mail message saying he was going to crash the car, then revving noises, then a "racing start" then silence. Twenty years on and the pillock is still alive!

Builderforhire's, "this is how worthless her words made me feel" sounds so familiar it's frightening.
I just feel a bit numb this morning after all the adrenaline has burned off. Planning on driving by the house to see if it's empty and whether I can nip in to pick up a few more things then maybe another few nights in the hotel? I don't have any family nearby unfortunately. Maybe something closer to work.
I really don't want to message him as it'll start a new line of communication but he'll need money & access to the car.

Someone asked earlier, the house is very much a marital asset, though everything is in my name. It was funded by the proceeds of my previous property and by some family inheritance.

So pleased you’re safe. I’ve in the situation where the bath in a Premier proved to be my sanity saviour.

Please put your personal - emotional and physical safety above immediate possessions. You have made the break, keep moving …away in all senses from this situation.

I hope you can be in the mindset where you can make it into work today because that will be your lifeboat - financial as well as emotional.

The money you earn today pays toward a hotel tonight and a change of clothes.

Call on your courage. Hold your nerve, but stay from this abusive situation.

She will never have forgotten this, and it is likely to have shaped your entire relationship since. Take some responsibility for your own lack of control.

That is demonstrable, and in a short, childless marriage the majority should remain yours.

I'd love to know what she's supposed to have done to you that you insist on blaming her for your actions.

I've just read this thread and I'm so dumbfounded.

1. Are you ok? As in safe this morning?

1. My love you have to go to the police - absolutely do not let this one slide.

1. Speak to someone in Citizens Advice.

I'm just so glad that you have seen your husband for what he is, and you're not spending years of your life subjected to his conditioning.

Having seen first hand what my father did to my mother over years of marriage - it's toxic. She did get out too, but after 37 years.

How are you feeling now OP? I hope your morning is going smoothly enough.

Please contact the police- if necessary they will accompany you to your house to pick up some things. They should take it seriously as it's 1000% coercive control.

Please screenshot any messages from your husband that contain violence, or threats to harm himself or you. My SIL had a very very similar situation with her then fiancé last year. He regularly threatened to harm/kill himself and said she "drove him to it". Interestingly his mother also contacted her to blame her!

In the end the police picked him up, he spent 6 weeks custodial sentence and there's now a restraining order. The police check in with her intermittently. They've been so so supportive.

Like you, my SIL said she felt foolish and couldn't believe she'd "allowed this to happen to her" but in time has realised that this is all part of the abuse she was subjected to. She's a very intelligent, financially independent woman, with her own house and a job as a banker. He, on the another hand, was an abusive, controlling psychopath. She's doing so well now and is a million times happier with him out of her life!

Good luck- Im thinking of you!

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a lack of compassion for your situation. Unfortunately some people on MN think every man is an abuser and every act or emotion is abusive.

I hope you escaped your wife. She sounds truly foul.

@Builderforhire123

I hope you don’t hire yourself out to households with women. I wouldn’t want a self justifying twit doing anything in my house, or even setting foot in it.

Grow up, and stop trying to gaslight the OP.

I hope you are safe and away. Be warned he will turn on the charm to suck you back in. Be prepared for threats, for attacks on your self esteem and on reality and on your assets and finances. Anything to keep you from leaving him. I’m sorry but it may get rocky so make sure your close ones are away of what’s happening and do contact the police. Some abusers are pathetic and police intervention stops them, they aren’t as big as they make out. Whatever you do limit all communication and do not respond defensively because it only opens them up for more nastiness, they want to weaken you. You will be surprised about the splitting of assets. Mine tried all sorts but was only awarded 20% of the marital home.

Do not trust this man again despite what he tells you. He has a massive control issue. He can’t control his own emotions so he will control you. He might be able to turn the anger inwards and hurt himself but then he may not and hurt you. Don’t take this risk!

Please DO NOT go back to the house alone. Call the police on the non emergency line 101. Tell them that you’ve had to flee domestic violence last night and are staying in a hotel but you need an escort to accompany you back to the property to collect some of your things. They will do this for you. Tell them that it’s not safe for you to return to the home as your ex was brandishing knives and threatening to kill himself. You can show them the messages from him and his mother to confirm. Please, please, please do not go back there alone. It’s not safe for you. Get as much as you can in a suitcase until you speak to a lawyer about getting him out of the house. Can you afford the mortgage on your own? If so, I’d be looking to get an occupation order to have him removed from the property due to domestic abuse.