Scared & alone.

[FlakyExpert]

Posting in sheer desperation. Never thought this would be me. Sat in a car park alone, I've tried the Samaritans a couple of times but they must be overwhelmed.

Massive bust up with husband tonight. He's put a hole in the wall and held a knife to his own throat. Ive run out and driven away in the car shaking.
His mother has messaged me threatening me if anything happens to her son. Said she'd "find me". I've blocked her.

Im paralysed- don't know whether to go back, find a hotel... I tried ringing him once as she scared me but he didn't answer so of course now I'm scared he has done something.Im absolutely desperate, I can't believe this is real life anymore.

@Builderforhire123 are you talking about reactive abuse? Was your wife abusive to you? If so then that is an entirely different situation isn’t it?

Completely understandable response from you then from what you have said. Most people will crack under sustained pressure eventually. But this isn’t the same situation so it’s not really helping the OP. It will only add doubt to a person who needs to remain focused on keeping away and keeping safe. Doubt keeps us in situations that could very well be dangerous.

Doubt is what we go to counselling for later when we are safe.

Be nice if you could all concentrate on the OP instead of provoking more from me please. My story clearly does not have any relevance in this thread anymore.

Perhaps you could just leave the thread? You've effectively derailed the focus of support for the OP; maybe it's time to step back and allow posters to help her rather than have to continually deal with you?

You have the facility to start your own thread if you feel you've not had enough attention here.

OP, I really hope you are OK 💐

I have supported literally hundreds of women through domestic abuse for over a decade. I know the way the minds of abusers work. I’ve heard this type of scenario play out many, many times, especially the threats of suicide. I know exactly why abusive men do it from
a) lived experience
b) studying the minds of abusive men
c) supporting victims of domestic abuse and violence.

So, yeah I have been there many many times and I am willing to bet I understand it infinitely better than you. The fact that you’re on here, admitting to your own abusive behaviour, (although you don’t see it that way because you’re the real victim here - DARVO) and victim blaming women who’ve been abused. I answered your questions siting reasons why he did it and you don’t like the answer so you’re once again making everyone else the problem. Like all abusive men, the concept of self awareness is clearly lost on you. Get off mumsnet and leave women alone.

Maybe because she’s been too scared to leave you since you’re so manipulative and probably abusive. Maybe that’s why she’s still there. Given that you’ve been married so long, it was a lot harder for women to leave abusive men 30+ years ago. So, that could’ve been a factor. The tone of your responses put you massively and you think you’re too clever to be seen. Well, I’m afraid to tell you that it’s clear as day who you are and how you think it’s you’re right to tell women how to feel, how your feelings are always right, how you are always the victim and anyone who disagrees with you is a, “fucking idiot”. Bye Filipe.

The real issue is believing that we are responsible for another persons feelings and actions. We are not.

Just wanted to say I'm still here, I'm safe and I'm really appreciative of the support, from everyone. The Lundy Bancroft text is such an eye opener, oh, and the chatgpt analysis! It was like handing a highlighter to someone "this bit is emotional blackmail" "here, the author dangles vague promises".
Just mulling over what to do tonight, there's only so long I can stay in hotels for.

Hi OP! Glad to hear you’re safe and are benefitting from the resources. If you don’t mind me asking, do you have your own income and could you afford to rent a 1 bed property or a room in a flat share? If so, you might want to start looking. Until you can prove you own the majority of the house and have him legally removed, you might want to consider that. It will be cheaper than a hotel. Another possible option is an air bnb for a longer term rent. You can also speak to shelter to find out where you stand legally and how you can get him out of the house asap. You would probably need an occupation order to do that because you’re married or be able to prove you own the house financially. You might have to buy him out but given it’s been a short marriage, that might not be too costly. You can also apply to every housing association in your area and tell them that you’ve had to flee domestic violence. You can show them the abusive messages and if you go and speak to women’s aid they can confirm you’ve fled domestic abuse. This would make you a priority for social housing as you have been made homeless through no fault of your own.

Don't forget AirBnB. Might be cheaper than hotels, if you want a week or so.

@Builderforhire123
My "df" pulled that one on me once. He's a narcissist, happy to abuse his own children for decades but when stood up to one of many times I tried, instead of beating the shit out of me for once, he pulled a knife and asked me to stab him in the heart. My 2 year old DD was asleep upstairs and no matter how much I'd have loved to, I had my priorities straight. I wasn't going to go to prison for being induced by my abuser of decades. I laughed in his face and walked away. It is never okay to pull that level of attempted coercion on the other person. Not long after, he attacked me, threw me across a room and ripped a lot of my hair long hair out by the roots. Again while my DD was upstairs. He was arrested for that but got away with it in court. Some things are not fucking acceptable. There are many sources of help you can find before you get to that point, and when you are at that point you've entirely lost the point you were trying to make and instead made it police worthy, against you. That would never get you help.

I hope you didn't go into your house on your own. That would really worry me. If you are planning to do that again and don't have anyone who can go in with you then ask the police if they will accompany you.

Get a lawyer as fast as you can and make sure you take any money out of a joint account that you are entitled to.

This sort of man never follows through with those threats. It's pure attention seeking and threatening behaviour. Look at his mother. He's got it from her. Both as bad as each other.

Here isn't the place.

How are things, OP?
Xx