Dad hanging round outside bathroom *MNHQ Content warning for abuse*

[Househunter2025]

I was reading a thread that just got deleted and it's really made me think.

When I was a teenager my dad used to hang around outside the bathroom and my bedroom - I always found it really creepy but nothing else ever happened so I didn't really think it was abusive behaviour - but I always found it really creepy and couldn't stand being near him or alone with him. Never mentioned it to anyone before.

In my 40s now and it still bothers me. I'm hyper aware of my kids dad or other males on the family doing anything to them and it feels beyond all proportion. I don't think other parents have this fear.

A couple of posters on the other thread said they had experienced similar and I was about to reply but then it was deleted.

Don't know what I want from this thread really. I wouldn't mention anything to family - parents are elderly. I don't have sisters. Just want to come to terms with it and put it in perspective I guess.

The upper class can really struggle with dealing with sexual abuse, I think a major reason being that there’s so much abuse at boarding schools, and they don’t want to face up to how horrific the reality of it all is.

I am horrified by these stories. I’m not going to add to them with my own, and god stuff certainly happened, but I will extend a shoulder squeeze to you all. Thank god we know better now and can do better.

I have never spoken about this before. Having read the thread I think it might be cathartic to post my experience. When I was a teenager, my father took the lock off the bathroom door as apparently I was spending too much time in there. He used to stare at my developing body, which made me very uncomfortable. I told my mother, but it didn't stop. He made excuses to come into my bedroom. He brought porn mags home from work at lunchtime and left them where I would see them. He made many inappropriate comments, and still does. Thankfully, he never touched me other than hugging too closely, which he still tries to do. I know my mother knew, but she was and remains too scared of him to do or say anything. I am in my 50s now, my father is 90 and I still make sure I am never alone with him. I will not be sad when he dies. I don't have daughters, but I have told my brother to make sure his girls are never alone with him either. I have a therapist who I talk to about other things, I think I might need to open up to her about this.

It’s seems many men remove or do
not allow locks on bathroom doors. This is clearly to provide free access to the bathroom.

I don't want to upset people but removal of locks from bathrooms, bursting into bedrooms, leaving pornigraphy around in plain sight or on your phone, in respect of teenage girls is pretty much a sign that the man is not safe around girls and women. They will be unlikely to just be doing this at home or with one child.

I'm so sad reading these stories.

There was a long read in the Atlantic last week about how many children born of incest and adopted out are finding out who their parents are via 23andme/ancestry DNA tests, and the growing suspicion that there is much, much more of this going on than anyone ever thought. Although maybe we only ever needed to ask women.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2024/03/dna-tests-incest/677791

It's awful to even contemplate but please be careful sharing experiences on this thread.

I can guarantee there are evil minded men reading it for nefarious purposes :(

The thought of everyone being a threat is literally the heart of safeguarding. It's usually stated as "no one is above suspicion".

This is incredibly black and white. Plenty of stepfathers are really positive parts of their children's lives. What is important is vetting the men (or women) that we date and having open communication with our children so that we can monitor their relationships with all the adults in their lives. Never moving a guy into your home doesn't stop your kids being abused by their soccer coach.... That open communication with your children is vital.

Its unbelievable there are 9 pages of this with so many sharing similar experiences. It seems an area that needs broadcasting and education from a certain age. Mums need to speak to husbands and kids and explain what goes on in the world. So many victims, so sad.

That's a sweeping statement and very unfair to the step fathers who are really decent.
I'm very sorry to read such awful stories. I've suffered sa as an adult and can't imagine what it is like as a child to process that from an adult in your home

That's unreasonable, however. You have to know someone well enough to trust them. One is also faced with DC who will tell tales to get rid of a boyfriend because they want mum to themselves. It's hard to sift the truth, really, it is. But not all men are like this, it's a minority. The more they are taken up on what they did/do the better for all women and girls.

I remember when I was about 17 I was expected to get up but over slept my dad burst into my room and tried to pull the duvet off I said I had no clothes on but pulled it off any way and smirked when he saw I was naked . No apology .

When I was about 12 there were discussions about my lack of development. When I was 13 boobs came through and I was told he was glad to see I was developing . He and my mum sniggered and said it won't be long before boys would be feeling them .

I was watched like a hawk when it came to sex and boys but my sister's promiscuity was ignored, excused and covered up . She was active from around 14 . She was also allowed long hair, mine had to be cut short like a boys .

I wasn't allowed" to live in sin" as they wouldn't pay for my wedding if I did , but she could and yes they paid for hers .

It's hard to sift the truth, really, it is. But not all men are like this, it's a minority. The more they are taken up on what they did/do the better for all women and girls

No. They’re not the minority at all.

I had a narrow escape when I was primary school age in my own home with a police officer in the 90’s. He ended up getting spooked and left but I think about this regularly to this day. I feel like a lot of people in ‘power’ abuse their position. Many more than we’d like to think. Many people may even seek out certain positions from a young age with the only aim to abuse. Terrifying for our innocent and defenceless babies and children. I have such hatred for these kind of people

This thread resonates with me, I’m really sorry it’s happened to so many.

My story is slightly different, in the late 90s I went to stay overnight with a friend from school when I was 16 who had moved to London with her separated mum. On the night I was there my friends mum took us two girls, both 16, to a very well known London nightclub. I had borrowed some of my friends clothes as I was more alternative and only had trainers - I mention this because I can look back now and see we were not dressed appropriately for our age. This was something else I’ve blamed myself for.

At the club we got drunk and to cut a long story short, an older man in the club who was kissing me (!) took me away from everyone and down a flight of stairs to a fire exit where he tried to first force my head down and when I resisted and told him I wanted to go back to my friend, he then raped me. There was no violent struggle, I just completely froze. I was a virgin and when he realised this (TMI for this) he took me back upstairs and disappeared quickly. My mums friend took us home as she realised what had happened after I had to clean myself up in the toilets, put me in the bath and called my mum after I had gone home the next day. I was seem at hospital and there would have been CCTV (the club was told what had happened) but wild horses couldn’t have dragged me to the police as I didn’t want my mum and dad to see anything, or go to court. I was asked by my dad why I didn’t put up a fight which still breaks me to this day.

My reason for sharing is that my friends mum absolutely had a duty of care to me and my friend, we should not have been in the club or drinking or dressed like adults (I blamed myself for this for many years). It’s taken the best part of 25 years and #metoo to be able to talk about it.

My grandad (died many years ago) also touched my breast inappropriately when I was 13 and developing - I had a BHS badge that I was very proud off and was pinned to my chest, I remember him looking directly into my eyes and patting the badge firmly. I’ve never told a soul.

I don’t know how this comment will be taken but I believe this type of thing happens so often because the way society is set up (and always has been) teaches boys and men that women and girls aren’t really people.

I've thought about this a lot and I think many men really have no idea what it feels like to be sexually violated. My uncle once told a story that when he was a teenager they were playing a game, a girl lost and as a forfeit they made her let all the boys squeeze her boobs. He thought this was a hilarious tale and clearly could not understand that this was likely a horrible and traumatic experience for her.

This has made me even more paranoid about my granddaughters. Their mum my ex DIL has moved her boyfriend in and he seems fine but you never know. I mentioned it to my son, their dad and he brushed it off saying the guy is 'sound' and I am worried over nothing.

My paternal grandfather was a creep like this. I won’t go into detail but there was one very clear cut wrong incident, a few things that seem dodgy now but I’m never quite sure, and a whole load of ‘something just felt off’ - I too have had the fear that I might be repressing more.

Luckily due to other circumstances I didn’t have as much to do with him as I got older, only saw him a couple of times after age 11 and never saw him again after I eventually told my mum some of this - around age 15.

I have a daughter now and I know the fear that OP talks about. I have zero reason to be concerned about DH’s dad really but recently she had her first time sleeping there and once we’d dropped her off I really struggled to fight the urge to go back and get her. I kept thinking what if what if what if. Even with DH sometimes. We talk about boundaries and the PANTS rule etc all the time, but yeah it just makes me feel sick with fear out of nowhere at times.

I’m so sorry you experienced this, it’s heartbreaking especially from someone you loved so much. I have a much older brother and we adore each other, I’ve always felt the safest with him and my little girl has 3 older brothers. I pray she never feels what you felt. Sending you hugs, you’re so brave and made the right decision cutting him off x

Totally agree. My DDs dad died when she was 3. I was never going to have another man in my life.

my dsis second DH abused my dn and I vowed then I’d never let it happen to my little girl.

it’s strange that the thought of sexual abuse never crossed my mind until that happened but then I couldn’t get it out of my mind and became extremely protective of her. She never went to sleepovers although I had loads of her friends to ours for sleepovers and she seemed satisfied with that.

protect your dc at the sacrifice of yourselves.

Disgusting to see on this thread that in many instances it has been the biological father doing the peeping and worse.

@Hwi I do agree there were lots of women who actually turned a blind eye because their life options were very limited - and it was basically self preservation at the expense of their children - truly awful -

I have read all these posts, it's so important that your voices are heard. As someone else has said trust your hypervigilance and gut feelings, these are your strength, your super power. You will be picking up on things being amiss that other people wont. Also take care, there are specialist charities for victims of historical CSA.

I'm another one who was sexually abused my multiple family members , including my bio father from a very young age to 14. It's left me complex mental health problems and a lifelong fear of men.