Dad hanging round outside bathroom *MNHQ Content warning for abuse*

[Househunter2025]

I was reading a thread that just got deleted and it's really made me think.

When I was a teenager my dad used to hang around outside the bathroom and my bedroom - I always found it really creepy but nothing else ever happened so I didn't really think it was abusive behaviour - but I always found it really creepy and couldn't stand being near him or alone with him. Never mentioned it to anyone before.

In my 40s now and it still bothers me. I'm hyper aware of my kids dad or other males on the family doing anything to them and it feels beyond all proportion. I don't think other parents have this fear.

A couple of posters on the other thread said they had experienced similar and I was about to reply but then it was deleted.

Don't know what I want from this thread really. I wouldn't mention anything to family - parents are elderly. I don't have sisters. Just want to come to terms with it and put it in perspective I guess.

There are lots of these. Public angel, private neglect.

Oh gosh, I hope you’re ok? Don’t want to derail thread but hope you can seek help and support if you’re feeling really dark

Such a powerful post. Agree with you

Im sure NAMALT but I’ve made the personal decision not to have any serious relationships till the Dc are adult. My stepfather was a bit handsy/ stuck his tongue in my mouth as a teenager and it’s really stuck with me. I’d hate for my children to go through similar.

I went to University with a girl who complained that her mum's boyfriend was really creepy and made her feel uncomfortable. He was a social worker in ROTHERAM in the 1990's. Makes me shudder.

A general really good starting point could be Brene Brown's TED talk on Shame. She is famous for her vulnerability work, but the shame one really gets to the core of the issue and is helpful. Not specifically about sexual abuse but for any kind of shame especially that seeded within us by our parents.

The amount of little girls abused by their brothers is shocking. Women need to realise their sons can pose a risk to their daughters too. I am very fortunate that I was not sexually abused, but the following really affected me.

My brother was much older than me and I adored him. He was my favourite person.I would wait up for him on the weekend and he would bring me chips back on the way home from the pub and we would watch something on the telly for an hour. I remember vividly one night when I was around 10. Instead of chatting he fell silent and intently stared at me. He was smirking and staring at my chest. The energy in the room was horrible, and I realise now, sexually charged and aggressive.

Being 10 I didn’t know what to do so I fawned and told him what I had done at school that day while he continued to silently stare at my chest. This went on for what seemed like hours and I remember going to bed in tears felling betrayed and distraught. This became our weekly routine. I still waited up for him, and he would silently angrily stare at me in a sexually aggressive way and I would frantically fawn, hoping he would stop. Still I waited up. I felt I had to and that it would have been mean not to let him to do this.

As time went on he would scoff at my fawning and make fun of me. I fawned even more and he became verbally abusive calling me a cunt and a bitch and criticising everything about me. I would cry, and he would laugh. I started to realise that his goal was to reduce me to tears. Then he would go to bed pissed and satisfied.

During the day he was nice and would act like nothing ever happened. As I became a teenager I couldn’t cope anymore and started to run away from home. I never told anyone why. And I don’t know why I didn’t tell anyone or why I dutifully presented myself for his weekly abuse.

I don’t think he was sexually attracted to me, although he sexually intimidated me. He would wear shorts and sit with his legs open so bits fell out. I think he enjoyed degrading me, frightening me and having someone to intimidate. It was his weekly entertainment.

I cut contact with him in my late teens. If I think about how he emotionally abused a little girl for years with his balls on display I feel utter rage.

I remember dd being invited to a birthday party, I didn't know the mum very well.
A man turned up with his dc kissed the mum full on the lips and squeezed her boobs whilst making a joke.

I knew this man wasn't the dh so later I asked another mum who is that man?

Oh its her db, she replied, I've told her his behaviour is inappropriate but she says its just how her db always is.

I often wonder what sort of childhood that woman had.
Apparently the db was well known at his son's local rugby club for flirting whist his dw just sat there.

Made a throw away account just for this thread. I’m so sorry these horrible things have happened to you all.

When I was about 6 my older brother (8) told me to take all my clothes off and lay on top of me. I forgot about it for a while but kept having nightmares. Still struggle with my own thoughts to this day; was this abuse? It’s nowhere near as bad as any of you but I still feel like it wasn’t right.

Yes I always think this. When they start mulling over common factors etc, they never ever even mention men and their sexual aggression. Is it testosterone or something else which makes them like it? If I was invisible or had a super power I'd infect all the world's water supply with testosterone-countering potions and see what kind of world we had then.

Actually I was thinking the opposite, everyone's stories should be required reading for all men (and women), so they can understand the impact this has and what they can do to help.
Keeping it quiet as you seem to advocate would further propagate the damage and cover up of this kind of terrible thing.

I am a long-time lurker but this post has really resonated with me.

Things that others have described happened to me with my own step-father who came into our lives when I was about 4yrs. No lock on the bathroom door, he would join me in the shower/ bath, make me come into his bed after my shower for a "cuddle", come into my room/ bed at night for a "cuddle". My Mum worked night shift. Lots of other really inappropriate stuff, too much to think of right now. Some of this would actually be done in front of my Mum too so always seemed like it was acceptable. I left home at 19yrs.

From my memory nothing actually physical ever happened but this has stayed with me all of my life. I was very promiscuous right into my 30s and frequently allowed myself to get into dangerous situations. Last year I was experiencing lots of intrusive thoughts and flash backs (thank you peri-menopause?!) and now on sertraline and feel much calmer.

I've always felt that what happened at home wasn't "bad" enough for me to complain about and there were far worse things that could have happened. This post has made me understand it was abuse and it was wrong.

Paternal grandfather, whether gran and mum in the room or not. Was told by mum that I 'led him on' age 13 or 14.

I realised the danger after one incident in particular where I could have been raped very easily. After that I said to my sister we had to stick together and never be alone with him especially if no one else in the house.

I cannot imagine why my dad's dad would look at me - who he had held when a tiny baby and watched grow up, would want to do this. I told my gran to tell him to stop messing with my bra and she looked very scared. Told mum and she said that never happened. Easy to brush children's experiences under the carpet, and convenient. I have always been very careful with my own son, who has SEND. Always tell him he can tell me anything even if another adult says its a secret or threatens him. Pants rule etc. As he grows up and does community clubs I can't always be there but I am naturally distrustful of any men I haven't known and trusted with my life for at least 10 years. DH thinks I am OTT but I well know the costs to a person of SA. Never had therapy.

@Boiledbeetle thank you for typing all that out. I'm so sorry you went through that. I am SO glad that that piece of shit was sentenced and is now no longer wasting space on this earth.

For many years I thought the same, as in well other children had much worse. Nothing happened that was like full sex, only inappropriate touching. With hindsight I now know that these breaches of trust were very, very significant.

It was wrong, and it was abuse. The fact that I had to act to protect myself and my sister is evidence enough that I knew we were in danger from that man.

At least 3 friends have told me about their experiences - step dads, brothers and another grandfather. I think it was and is much more common than is realised. As is men possessing images of child abuse, that is off the scale. I find it hard to trust men in general. It has all made me very wary of any opportunities a male might have to abuse children.

And yes, workhouses etc in the past must have been awful from this point of view. Victims would never be believed etc.

My experience was at the hands of my best friends dad and dentist, I was 12 and he made me sit on a stool between his legs, he would tilt my head back so I could show him how I cleaned my teeth, I realised he was getting excited by what I could feel behind me, then on his birthday he asked me for a birthday kiss while I was having a dental examination. When my wisdom teeth started to come through at 15 he said a massage around my neck and chest would help. He would jump back when the dental nurse, also his wife used to come in the room. I eventually told my parents, my mum immediately stopped going to see him as a dentist but my dad partially defended him saying it was because he was Greek! Later he went to prison for abusing a young teenager at a swimming pool where he was chairman.

I don’t know how this comment will be taken but I believe this type of thing happens so often because the way society is set up (and always has been) teaches boys and men that women and girls aren’t really people. The numerous threads on here that aren’t about overt abuse but are about men behaving in controlling and unacceptable ways just reinforces my belief. There was a thread I read yesterday about a poster who’d planned things for her partner’s birthday whilst he just treated her horribly and acted like a manchild. All I could think was ‘he just doesn’t see you as a person with your own feelings and priorities which are just as important as his own’.

My DH is a wonderful man. He shares the household chores and the childcare. He makes me feel special and is willing to have proper conversations about our relationship. However, I have to often remind him that the way he thinks about and plans things are usually with his priorities in mind whereas I am always thinking about all of us. He’s got much better but despite being lovely his mindset was trained to just believe that his priorities were the right ones. I find this with a lot of men, even ones I would consider quite ‘modern’.

If men and boys don’t see women and girls as people in their own rights, and just beings there to serve them and make their lives more comfortable (even with things like keeping house and ‘free’ childcare) these crimes and abuses will continue forever.

I was repeatedly groped/kissed/hands forced down my jeans etc. by the bully son of a close family friend. It started when I was 12. I was terrified but didn't say anything as his mother was my mother's long-time best friend and I didn't want to "cause a scene". I never told my parents. Plenty of other instances over the years, all happening in 'nice middle class' lives.

Both of my daughters were abused by extended family members. One told us right away, we confronted, it was all brought out in the open but she didn't want it reporting to the police. We didn't find out about our other daughter until many years later because she didn't want to "cause a scene".

The family friend's son and both members of our extended family have been cut out of our lives. The damage we're living with because we "didn't want to cause a scene" is still with us. We've all had therapy but suffer the effects, don't trust most men, are overly cautious, etc.

3 females in my family, 3/3 abused. Maybe not all men, but nearly always men.

One thing that struck me is I wasn't even sure what I experienced was abuse or normal, and it was only other peoples reactions when I told them what happened that made me realise it was wrong. My sister told someone at work what had happened to me and she guessed the name of the dentist and said that there own sister had also experienced the same abuse at his hands.

OP, are you certain this was some type of abuse. There is a possibility he was checking up on you & listening to see if you were up to no good,eg smoking, drinking,drugs etc. There are teenagers who smoke/drink in the bathroom or bedroom with the window open & use perfume or airfresheners to disguise the smell. It's just a thought but given you mentioned nothing else happened I wouldn't be too quick to jump on abuse although only you know exactly what was going on.

Just like the surgeon in France that was on the news the other day. Lots of people knew. He got away with his crimes against children for such a long time because adults did nothing to protect children. Shocking.

I must have been about 15, when my Aunt/Uncle came to visit. I have never liked my Uncle (related by marriage rather than blood), he gives me the creeps. Everyone else had gone into the lounge, I was going out the front door to meet a friend in town, and he was coming in. He wouldn't let me passed, stood in my way and said 'I didn't recognise you', whilst leering at my boobs and grinning. I have always been big busted. I barged passed him, and once back home I did tell my Mum. Both my parents never ever left me on my own with him, after that. He's a horrible man. I'm sorry that you've had to go through such dreadful experiences. I think sexual abuse from a biological Dad or bloodline relative is more common than we realise. That's without the step-Dad's and non-biological relatives/friends. Sexual abuse just wasn't recognised or understood, years ago. The victim would more than likely be blamed, lack of training/understanding within the police force, education institutions etc. Mandatory training in schools has been in place since 2014, before then it was hit and miss. Safeguarding is a priority now, but it's taken a very long time to reach this point.

Yes, it happened to me too by my own father from age of probably 7 or 8. My mum was fierce though and I thought that she would have actually murdered him if she’s found out. I remember thinking if she kills him and goes to jail what will happen to us? Nan & grandad are too old to have us, so I didn’t say anything although I did stand up to him and threaten to ‘tell my mum’ when we were a bit older and he started with my little sister.
it’s only now I realise what a burden for a child to carry.
This was my biological dad. My stepdad was great- although I do see him glance at my boobs on occasion so it seems there is no real safety even from the ‘good’ ones.
I did not want any children that I couldn’t protect.

It's awful how common this is.
When I was about 6 and while visiting close friends of the family who had two teenage sons, I was left with them upstairs. One of them exposed his very erect penis to me and clearly enjoyed my shocked reaction.
When I was around 11, I had a paper round at the local newsagent, the owner was a total scumbag and used to look at explicit pornographic magazines and make me look at the pictures, obviously completely getting off on the power trip and how uncomfortable it was for me.
At age 15 I was babysitting with my best friend at the time, for her older sister and brother-in-law. When everyone was out of the room he pulled me onto his lap and stuck his hand fully inside my bra.
I also have vague memories of one of my parents friends making me sit on his lap when I was about 6 or 7, and refusing to let me get off. I remember how uncomfortable I was, even at that age I knew something was really "bad" about his behaviour, and how he was restraining me from getting away and forcing me to stay in his lap. Still gives me the creeps 40 years later.

I will say that some so-called "professionals" are no better. At age 15 I ended up in hospital for a breathing issue, where the young male doctor gave me an ECG and was clearly enjoying applying the sticky electrode pads (no female nurse in attendance) and made comments about how developed I was, and when he went into the next bay I heard him making overt sexual comments to another male doctor about me, and they both had a chuckle. He also made no effort to cover me or be discreet when attaching the pads and just left me there without a blanket and my chest fully exposed while he pottered around the bed. Absolutely awful and as a young girl I didn't feel I could ask for either a blanket or a chaperone. It makes me cringe to think about these men as doctors and the trust they are given, when in reality they are the same as scumbag perverts - but their profession gives them respectability.

It's appalling how many girls and women have had experiences like this, where it almost becomes accepted and normalised that as a female, you just have to accept some level of sexual intimidation and outright abuse.

I don't have anything to share but I just want to say how brave you all are for opening up on here, there will be people who won't post but who will be helped knowing that it wasn't just them and it wasn't their fault. I agree with a pp who said that some men dont even seem to realise how vile their behaviour is, their creepy mindset seems to allow them to think that peeping at and brushing off their dds/step dds is a bit of fun, and harmless. So so sick of fucking men.