Dad hanging round outside bathroom *MNHQ Content warning for abuse*

[Househunter2025]

I was reading a thread that just got deleted and it's really made me think.

When I was a teenager my dad used to hang around outside the bathroom and my bedroom - I always found it really creepy but nothing else ever happened so I didn't really think it was abusive behaviour - but I always found it really creepy and couldn't stand being near him or alone with him. Never mentioned it to anyone before.

In my 40s now and it still bothers me. I'm hyper aware of my kids dad or other males on the family doing anything to them and it feels beyond all proportion. I don't think other parents have this fear.

A couple of posters on the other thread said they had experienced similar and I was about to reply but then it was deleted.

Don't know what I want from this thread really. I wouldn't mention anything to family - parents are elderly. I don't have sisters. Just want to come to terms with it and put it in perspective I guess.

And be very wary of some biological fathers.

Many if these stories are very pervy and upsetting to read. However I feel that hanging round outside the bathroom may have been waiting to jump in when for a quick wee before anyone else. I have many memories of queuing for the bathroom when I was a kid!

It's all very well calling for a matriarchy, but until ALL women are prepared to stand up to these men, instead of turning a blind eye or making excuses, then it won't be much better.

This. I think you're all very brave and I'm kind of shocked-but-not-surprised by the rush of revelations. Take care of yourselves.

"Pervy"?? Do you mean "horribly abusive"?

This happened to me too back in the 70’s/80’s. My mum worked with this man’s wife and she had an affair with him. She left my dad for him but she knew what he was like because his first wife told my mum that he had groomed a 14 year old and got her pregnant! Mum didn’t tell me or my sister about this for years afterwards. It was kept secret and mum ignored it.

I lived with him and mum and he liked to tickle me so he could grope me and I wasn’t allowed to lock the bathroom door when I was in the bath just in case something happened. I was about 12/13! Mum just went along with it and didn’t protect me and couldn’t understand why I didn’t like him! She also caught him looking through the keyhole of my door watching me get ready for school. He also wanted to take topless photos of me and once asked me and my sister to get into bed with him ‘for a cuddle’ when mum was in hospital. Loads more happened over the years and he liked cuddling my female relatives but they all felt very uncomfortable but mum said nothing! I’m still very angry at her for not protecting me and my sister when she knew what he was like before she ran off with him. His first wife even warned her he was a paedophile! He was never reported and got away with it. These stories are very sad to read and it happened to too many of us.

My mum experienced this kind of thing and when she told me about it (I asked her out of curiosity) she was talking about it like it was normal and basically laughed it off. It shocked me. I’m glad my dad wasn’t wired to be a fucking sicko.

@Boiledbeetle how did it go, considering you had no evidence? So did you not need any evidence at all? How was the whole experience for you of reporting and the trial and everything? You can PM me if you prefer.

Those poor children having random men coming in and out of their homes.

2nd husband I meant

I've read a lot of the thread, but not all, I was raped at 12 by a group of boys in the village. This was the start of it and they obviously talked about it and I had a reputation for being easy. This led to bullying from the girls and more rape and assaults from the boys. I was about 15 and had a boyfriend, we were caught in bed together, fully clothed and just cuddling. It was the day of the crush at Hillsborough and my boyfriend and his brother had been there. His mum ordered us out of bed and downstairs. He went off in a strop and I was left with her and her boyfriend. They proceeded to get me drunk and I think they might have drugged me. I still have flashbacks as they both had sex with me. They took me home later in a right state and told my parents we were caught drunk and in bed together. I was grounded.

I left home after that. Put myself into care and was moved into a group home. It got worse. So, just we aware it's not always men. Women are abusers too. I have CPTSD because of all the abuse and attacks over the years and have every sympathy with each of your stories.

Happened to me too with my older brother. I'm sure mum knew but never said any thing. I have never said anything to anybody ever. This is the first time I've ever spoken about it. He used to come into my bed to 'keep me warm', but played about with me and got me to wank him off. I was 9 or 10.

I'm so sorry, these stories are awful.

I have luckily never been abused but I am immensely suspicious of all men around my children, even DH and my DF.

Neither have ever done anything remotely suspicious but, knowing how common abuse is, I would never blindly trust anyone around my DCs.

What a sad thread.
Love to you all.

My older brother used to expose himself to me. He would open the bathroom door, completely naked, and just stand there. I was 12, he was 19. I told no one, I was scared. I am nc with him now, ever since my mother died, so free to make my own decisions re: family.

Counsellor here. At the risk of being accused of scaremongering, I am sad to say that this is common. I hear it time after time in sessions, and not just from females but males too. Perpetrators of all ages, mainly male but not always. The saddest part is that often the clues are there that something is amiss, and parents (usually mothers) have failed to act. It's not even about reporting it to the police, but continually placing the child at risk. Sending them to visit /stay with relatives, when they clearly don't want to go because of putting that relatives feelings before their child's, not calling out potentially questionable behaviour even when it makes the child uncomfortable. Go with your gut. If your gut tells you that you need to add a lock to your daughters door to keep her safe from your husband, your husband is a danger that needs to be removed. If your instinct is to tell your daughter to cover her body when certain men are around, those men should not be around her. Even if your child doesn't say anything, their actions can speak volumes, so listen.

So sorry for all of you who have had such awful experiences at the hands of men.

And there are court tribunals going on about the freedom biological men (who think they are women) feel they have to enter women's spaces without being upset and bullied about it. I kid you not. Anyone who cannot see the sinister goals behind this is not living in reality. It's also a power thing over women.

What a world we live in. But it's been going on since the dawn of time unfortunately, and it will get worse if certain demands are not met. I'm sure you can read between the lines here as I don't want to take away from the purpose of the thread.

When I went to the police I'll admit I didn't even know if he was still alive, but I'd reached a point where I had to tell the police what had happened in order to try to get some peace and quiet in my head.

The reporting to the police, then doing a video statement was cathartic to a degree. Just knowing that I'd done all I could and what would be would be after that helped somewhat with the feelings of guilt and shame that, like most victims, I felt about what happened.

What I didn't know when I initially reported was this man already had two separate convictions for raping children (and a conviction for murder) so that probably helped the police in deciding I was telling the truth.

It was initially refused by the CPS who decided there wasn't enough evidence to go to court on, but I appealed their decision, pointed out the police hadn't actually spoken to people I'd told about it when I was a teenager (about 5 years after it had stopped) and asked them to reconsider. So they went away, found a couple of the people I'd told and decided that actually they did have enough to go forward and charged him.

It took two years from reporting to the court case and I'm not going to lie my mental health suffered in that time, and by the time of the court date I was an absolute wreck.

By this time the police had my statements, my GP notes (I'd told my doctor when I was 14), statements from a high school teacher I'd told about it and Steve's probation officer from the time had been found and given a statement. They'd also got statements from other people who'd been children at the same time and could have been victims.

There was still no concrete proof that Steve had done anything, but I had been no doubt deemed a reliable witness, and there was enough bits of info from other sources to mean that probability wise he was more likely to have committed the crimes than not.

In the end literally minutes before the case was due to start Steve changed his not guilty plea to guilty. So even he had realised he was likely to be found guilty, and so pleaded guilty in order to reduce his sentence.

Obviously I got the desired outcome in the end so that no doubt has shaped how I've felt about the whole reporting to the police aspect. But even if he'd been dead, or they hadn't changed their mind about charging him, or things had gone differently in court I'm glad I eventually reported it for my own sanity more than anything else.

I understand totally why people don't go to the police. It's a lot. It affects you mentally, physically, and you may not get the outcome you want, I think everyone has to reach their own decision as to whether they want to put themselves through that, and I completely understand that some people decide it's not a step they want to, or are able to, make.

News after the guilty verdict

https://www.cheshire-live.co.uk/news/local-news/ellesmere-port-man-sentenced-13-5185532

Muder:

https://discovery.nationalarchives.gov.uk/details/r/C10925019

And to add a final thing... The doctor I'd told at 14 about what had happened is this delightful fellow in the article below!

https://www.chesterstandard.co.uk/news/16062207.prominent-chester-gp-caught-almost-17-000-indecent-images-children/

Another who was abused by a family member. I never told anyone until I blurted it out to my ex-husband in a fit of rage. When I finally left him (he was abusive also), he told my parents and reported it to the police. I never wanted the perpetrator to get in trouble for it, he’s autistic not that that should be an excuse, and I denied it. I will keep denying it too

I also experienced some uncomfortable behavior from my step father. My mum remarried when I was 6 and he moved in with us. She was always pretty absent in my life, so I was on my own with him a lot.
He used to always want me to sit in his lap and would jiggle me about. I hated it. Also, I went to gymnastics class and he was forever asking me to show him my handstands. I was only young, but just knew it was because he wanted to see my underwear when my skirt flew up. I took to wearing shorts all the time after that.
He would also spend a lot of time with my friend's older sister. She was about 14 at the time and I am pretty sure something was going on.

Some of these stories are absolutely heartbreaking 💔 I'm so sorry to anyone who's been through anything like this, my heart goes out to you and a hug you deserved to feel safe as a child and I'm sorry you weren't

@Soddingcat I'm sorry, but your mother is not incredible. She sounds incredibly neglectful and selfish, a do-gooder who prioritises others over her own children. You give her more respect than she deserves, elderly or not.

My uncle was like this- my mum's brother whom she adored.
His 'friendly uncle' behaviour was borderline pervy.

When I was 16 he'd tickle me (in front of my parents) all over my jumper.

I used to babysit for him and when he drove me home once he had his hand on my knee the whole way home.

Once, we were walking on the beach with his son (who was much younger than me) and he held my hand (like we were a 'couple') - bear in mind I was late teens.

He never crossed a line where I'd have told my parents, but I always hated being alone with him.

He was a womaniser and had numerous affairs- all brushed under the carpet and kept a 'secret' from his wife by my parents, as far as I know.

These are horrible.

All of them involve parents who discouraged their children from seeking protection. Men don't often abuse or engage with these behaviours without a complicit partner.

I've just read the article about the doctor. So many people continued to support this man. Because he was hardworking, reliable and helped many people, it makes him being a child sex offender ok it seems.

"A number of letters of support had been sent to the court by the defendant’s colleagues, patients and family members describing him in glowing terms.

A medical director described him as “one of the natural leaders or our generation in Chester and one of a very small number of GPs who could be called on to fill shifts at short notice so the service could remain safe”.
Another colleague said Bland was “always ready to go the extra mile for his patients”.

The barrister also stressed there was no suggestion that the offending had ever been linked to Bland’s work as a doctor.

“There’s absolutely no suggestion here that his proclivities, or interest in this material, in any way impacted on his practices as a doctor,” he said.

The defendant was a “loving and caring husband, and devoted father” who had been “hard-working and dedicated throughout his professional career”, Mr Pratt told the court "