Husband just admitted he cheated 6 years ago

[Brokenmum45]

Hi. So my husband just confessed to me that 6 years ago on a drunken stag weekend he kissed another girl and they rubbed themselves against each other lower half no underwear on but he said he can’t fully remember the details but they didn’t have sex. He said he suddenly realised what he was doing and bolted. I was 38 weeks pregnant at home with my other 2 kids. He told me out of the blue as I had some health issues and he suddenly thought they might be connected. They are not connected. I don’t know what to do. My husband has always been the good reliable one in the group 😔

They were rubbing each other, partially naked in a club, but didn’t have sex?

Tgen he chooses to tell you this bonkers story while you’re having health troubles ?

Not adding up

I couldn’t stay married to someone that thought that I was so stupid!

I’m just making the point it sounds like he is downplaying something. It sounds made up

I'm sorry OP but it's extremely likely that he's had sex, penetrative or oral with that woman.

Are you sure he’s not using that instance as an excuse for a more recent dalliance ?

Surely symptoms would have showed up 6 years ago?
His admission, makes me think something has happened more recently.

Even with the incident 6 years, I wouldn't believe he didn't have full sex with her. He's minimising now.

The thing is you'll never know for sure.

I would ask him why he thinks something 6 years ago is just showing up now.

Really sorry to hear this and how hard it must be. He kept this from you for years and has only told you as a result of a medical scare that might expose the truth in a darker way. Do you think it was a mistake and something he regrets? How has the past few years been?

He's talking bollocks, OP, and the fact he's gone for a test now shows something happened relatively recently, not six years ago. I'm really sorry. You deserve much more than this.

I'm sorry to say OP that I would expect this to be the tip of the iceberg. If STI sprung to his mind, he likely had sex much more recently. The 6 years is likely in the hope that you can 'put it in the past'.

Sorry you are in this situation op.

But just thinking logically. He was so drunk he ‘can’t quite remember what happened’ yet he is ‘absolutely sure they didn’t have sex’.

It doesn’t make sense. He’s lying about being drunk, not remembering or having sex. He cannot be sure he knows what happened while not being sure what happened!

He cheated, he remembers, he is sanitising. Cheats are liars. He’s lied for 6 years. He’s okay with lying.

Think hard, does he lie about other things? Why he is late for work? Why he can’t see his friend? Why he was late phoning his colleague back? Or he may lie by omission?

Cheaters have a but in their fidelity. I am faithful but not if it’s on a stag night. I believe in fidelity but not if my wife won’t find out. I believe in fidelity but rubbing my penis against her isn’t really cheating.

I personally believe cheaters have a flaw that allows them to cheat. Low self esteem. Okay with lying. Poor boundaries. Inability to self soothe. Needing ego kibbles to feel good. Addictions. Lack of dignity/self respect. Okay with sneaking about like a teen behind a bike shed. Etc etc. I think that flaw becomes more apparent the more you watch him.

At the moment I don’t believe he is being honest (tho I have only read to the end of page one).

I do believe some (not many) but some people can recover the relationship. But sadly the personality traits that allow a person to cheat and break their own vows are the same traits that are incompatible with fixing the marriage.

I think that you can’t ever forgive something you don’t fully know about. It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity. Many split at the 3 year stage as that is when YOU stabilise and realise you are married to a man with poor personality traits. And unless he comes clean quickly and honestly your respect for him may vanish. Because being a liar for 6 years shows he lacks integrity. Because sneaky schoolboys who lurk behind bike sheds kissing their mates girlfriend weren’t an attractive option in year 10 never mind as a middle aged man.

You are the priority here. Nothing you did caused him to betray his own values. You are not that powerful. I don’t cheat on my husband for ME. Not for him, he’s annoying at times. I am faithful for me. I said I would be faithful in front of my family and friends and my words mean everything to me. If I cannot be honest with my vows then who am I? So I choose to be faithful for me. My husband is my collateral damage.

As someone who has had an affair and is now in therapy I totally agree with everything you've written.

His story is bullshit.

100% this
and you forgot somewhere around number 6 or after 10 they say “she’s stalking me and she’s a psycho.”

Tell him, okay, I will do it too when I am ready, fairs fair.

The 'I can't remember' is utter bullshit, he remembers just fine, he doesn't want to tell you the truth.
I mean the rubbing bits together sounds so ridiculous it's almost laughable.

Of he went to the clinic to get tested last night, and immediately thought he might have given you an STD that caused your recent issues then I'm very sorry... but it was NOT six years ago that he cheated.

Start digging op. Good luck.

I kinds feel like this has been in the forefront of his mind if he immediately made the connection with the bleeding and him giving you an std.

I'm sorry this has happened. Just know you dotn have to decide anything right this second.

What exactly would be the point in getting tested 6 years later ?

He's blocked it out, and can't remember...but knows they definitely didn't have sex?!

OP I've never heard such a crock of shit in my life.

I'd give him one chance to admit the truth. And if he doesn't confess to full sex then he is a liar as well as a cheat.

I'd also be demanding his phone and going through his entire history, phone calls from that trip, transactions, group chat with friends etc.

He panicked because he’s expected you to get positive results from an STI test so has got in there first and served up a diluted story that he thinks he might get away with.

It tells me that he has had unprotected sex, but not when.

He may be lying about the German event completely as a cover up for more recent activities. I would suggest that in the last 6 months he’s had intercourse with either an affair, a one night stand, or a sex worker.

Sadly he won’t tell you which, when or why.

Time to fake believe and then do some serious digging in his secret life. Sorry.

He's definitely lying. It wasn't 6 years ago and there was penetration, probably many times and multiple women.

I would take notes of what he's saying and ask him to be clear and tell him he is not to drip feed.

It dosent have to mean the end of your. relationship & you can get through it Only ou can decide if you want him to stay. Your Relationship will never be the same, it will be hard work and it takes years.

If it's herpes or genital warts maybe true

You need to employ some logical thinking here, OP, and stop listening to his emotional manipulation.

Put bluntly, no one would go for a STI test 6 years after they kissed someone but didn't have sex.

It doesn't make sense. And it doesn't make sense because it's not true.

Personally, what I mean by "an STI doesn't appear magically 6 years later" isn't that medically dormant symptoms don't exist, they do. I personally mean that you don't magically remember cheating (with or without penetrative sex) 6 years later worrying about an STI. The more logical scenario is that he's recently cheated.

He’s told a weird story that he is hoping is enough to explain how (if) he’s passed an STI on to you, but be ‘mild’ enough that you forgive him.

It is a lie.

He slept with someone else, unprotected. I would put my house on it.