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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just admitted he cheated 6 years ago

151 replies

Brokenmum45 · 05/02/2025 15:53

Hi. So my husband just confessed to me that 6 years ago on a drunken stag weekend he kissed another girl and they rubbed themselves against each other lower half no underwear on but he said he can’t fully remember the details but they didn’t have sex. He said he suddenly realised what he was doing and bolted. I was 38 weeks pregnant at home with my other 2 kids. He told me out of the blue as I had some health issues and he suddenly thought they might be connected. They are not connected. I don’t know what to do. My husband has always been the good reliable one in the group 😔

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 05/02/2025 17:43

Brokenmum45 · 05/02/2025 17:25

Claims he blocked it from his mind and he can’t remember what happened but felt ashamed and because I was 38 weeks pregnant didn’t want to upset me. He acted completely normal and has done since but because of my abnormal bleeding last period he stated thinking about it all again. I feel like fool.

Show quote history

You are not a fool. The fact he could lie to you for 6 years without any suspicious behaviour says more about him than you. You trusted him and he abused it. If it really was a drunk fumble he regretted I can understand why he wouldn’t want to tell you when you were heavily pregnant. But not getting himself tested and not showing any signs of turmoil over his ‘mistake’ is worrying. Having said that if you truly believe he is telling the truth now and it is something you can forgive then that’s your decision to make. Unfortunately whatever you decide he will no longer be the man you thought he was. Someone who would never betray and lie to you. Only you know whether you can live with that.

ImTheMidsomerMurderer · 05/02/2025 17:45

neilyoungismyhero · 05/02/2025 17:36

Hope she's not going to show up on your doorstep with a 5 year old.

@neilyoungismyhero That's what came to my mind first.
@Brokenmum45 I'm sorry this is happening to you. Please just take your time and do what's right for you 💐

ZekeZeke · 05/02/2025 17:45

There is a reason he is telling you now.
Either the woman has had a baby or he has been cheating all this time and he has caught something recently.

Liveandletlive18 · 05/02/2025 17:46

heartfluttters · 05/02/2025 17:16

Something dont add up does it.
It all happened 6 years ago but now wants to get tested really.

To consider all possibilities its worth remembering a man can carry an std & pass it on without ever having symptoms. This means it's quite feasible he has always had this on his mind & he wanted to get checked after worrying he may have had sex without remembering. It's possible to have absolutely no recollection of what happened the night before if blind drunk & exactly why it's a bad idea.

2025willbemytime · 05/02/2025 17:48

It's not you who is the fool @Brokenmum45 . I hope there isn't a child on the scene and he's laying the ground work to explain their existence.

When my now ex h confessed to an affair I brought mumsnetters to mind and made him go and get tested. Thank you everyone. I doubt I'd have thought of it if not for being on here.

namechangeGOT · 05/02/2025 17:48

He's lying. He's cheated recently. This has absolutely nothing to do with Germany 6 years ago but he thinks his little fairy tail will be more easily forgivable than the fact he's been nobbing all over.

RichardGeresTie · 05/02/2025 17:52

Clearly his circumstances have changed for him to come out with this story now.

Affair ended? STI positive result for him?
Is he hoping you’ll believe this cock and bull story rather than finding out what the truth is?

EdnaTheWitch · 05/02/2025 17:52

They most definitely had sex. And, really sorry, but I’m going to bet that he’s had more extra-marital sex since, and it sounds like recently too. So sorry, OP.

Hollietree · 05/02/2025 17:52

I mean he’s obviously thinks/knows he has a STI and has tried to think of all the ways he can try minimise his cheating in the hope you will let it slide.

  • It was aaaaagggggggeeees ago
  • It was just rubbing, no intercourse
  • I was really drunk
  • You were heavily pregnant and I wasn’t getting it at the time, I was weak.

I wouldn’t believe any of it. In time you will likely find out it wasn’t a one off, there was full penetration and it was more recent.

If I were in your shoes I would ask him to leave the house immediately and give me a good amount of time to think. And then I would want very very frank and truthful conversations when I was ready - with the threat that if I didn’t believe I was getting the full and absolute truth then our marriage would be immediately over……... To be honest I think the marriage would be over for me anyway, but I would use that to at least try to get the truth

lifeonmars100 · 05/02/2025 17:54

I would guess that he has been up to something, or should I say up someone far more recently and has told you this tale from his past to try and minimise and distract from what is currently happening. I am really sorry you are going through this, it must be making you question so much of what you think you know about your husband

SlightlyJaded · 05/02/2025 17:56

He would not being worrying about giving you an STI if he hadn't had sex. He's not twelve and just learning how the world works.

He thought he'd got away with it, and you having problems made him feel so guilty that he decided he had to tell you rather than living with the guilt (can't decide if that is in some ways even more selfish, but a moot point).

All I would say is make your decision (and only when you are ready - there is no rush) on the basis that he did have sex with someone else, because the alternative scenario he is offering up is frankly, bullshit and typical minimising. Also non sensical given the context of the reveal.

TheLargestToblerone · 05/02/2025 17:57

JimHalpertsWife · 05/02/2025 16:33

It typically goes

  1. No I didnt do anything
  2. She kissed me but I didn't kiss her back
  3. She sent me photos/ texts I didn't reply
  4. I kissed her but that's all we did
  5. We kissed and touched each other but we didn't have sex
  6. I don't remember what we did
  7. We had sex but it was just once and I was drunk
  8. It's been going on a while I wasn't sure how to end it
  9. You don't pay me any attention is it any wonder?

They just level up each time - they never go right in At what they actually did.

No, wait! You’ve missed out:
10 She was threatening to tell you so I had to keep having sex with her.
11 It was only sex! I didn't feel anything for her.

I'm so sorry OP. I agree with everyone else, they only ever admit to the absolute minimum. They also never come clean of their own accord. I'd be concerned he's cheated more recently and has an STI, or for some other reason thinks you're going to find out, and this ridiculous penis-out-in-a-club thing is the best cover story he thinks he can get away with.

Snapncrackle · 05/02/2025 17:57

I would say it’s more likely that he’s cheated recently and has had unprotected sex and but he’s saying it was six years ago

STI don’t generally wait around hiding for the best time to show
I mean some do but his story has more lies than a Trump speech

Annotated1 · 05/02/2025 17:59

If the stag do was in Germany, with all the legalised brothers - it could well have been a sex worker he did whatever he did (or didn’t do with).

TennisLady · 05/02/2025 18:01

He suddenly tells you about some “rubbing” event 6 years and goes off to get STI tested?
Dont believe it. He’s been up to something recently.

LBFseBrom · 05/02/2025 18:03

He probably doesn't remember the details, op, and obviously hopes there was no penetration but isn't sure which is why he went to be tested.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 05/02/2025 18:05

Annotated1 · 05/02/2025 17:59

If the stag do was in Germany, with all the legalised brothers - it could well have been a sex worker he did whatever he did (or didn’t do with).

This was my opinion too. He had some unprotected foreplay with a sex worker but then proceeded with protected penetrative. He paid for it.

Can you imagine some random woman letting a random man rub genitals in the middle of a club? No, just no!

In the words of Judge Judy 'If it doesn't make sense, it probably isn't true'.

BreezySqueazy · 05/02/2025 18:13

Brokenmum45 · 05/02/2025 16:20

He went to the clinic to get tested last night. It’s the I can’t remember bit that’s angering me. He was in a club extremely drunk it was his brothers stag do and I think he was shown a bit of attention and flattery and he chose to cheat.

He can remember. He’s just being a man and throwing in a bit of “it’s not my fault. I slipped and fell into her”.
Its very difficult especially because you have DC and it happened 6 years ago. In your shoes I’d want to walk away, but only you know what is right for you.

HolyPeaches · 05/02/2025 18:19

Brokenmum45 · 05/02/2025 17:12

It was a nightclub set over 3 floors. He’s into rock backs and went to that section himself then fell in with the German ones (stag do was in Germany) got full on wasted and proceeded to do what he did. I’m presuming he took his out through his fly on jeans and she had a dress or skirt on. But he can’t remember!

Show quote history

A lot of clubs in Germany, specifically Berlin do have rooms/areas for free for all sex and orgies. It’s grim.

I’m so sorry OP 😔 but I wouldn’t believe him. Most likely he full on had sex with her or multiple women. Either in the nightclub or some hotel.

Take time to process everything, ask him to respect you and give you the full truth as he’s clearly trying to play it down so he doesn’t have to admit to sex. Cheaters always do. And the truth always comes out in the end.

Hope you are okay health wise too x

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/02/2025 18:20

Oh love! That’s so horrendous. At least have the balls to tell you the truth. Disgusting behaviour. I’m gutted for you. You must be absolutely devastated. Big hug.

misssunshine4040 · 05/02/2025 18:26

6 years ago and only worried about an STI now.? Bull
He's been up to something recently

Farfetched45 · 05/02/2025 18:27

Sorry, OP but there is more to this. At least though your OH was worried about your health in spite of his previous irresponsible behaviour towards you and your children. As cheating within a relationship with children is a symptom of deep disrespect. My ex was only worried about the STI risk when we were being tested for HIV prior to new insurance (we’re expats previously in a high risk country hence the test) and I said well I was negative during my last pregnancy so it won’t be any different now obviously and his face went absolutely white. I will never forget it. Turned out he had been cheating pretty much our entire marriage. So sorry OP. My ex husband was the type to go on stag dos with the boys. I’m afraid they cannot be trusted to behave in a decent way at all.

BESTAUNTB · 05/02/2025 18:27

Look after yourself (it’s good that you’re signed off work) and seek out support from a discreet, trusted friend.

Don’t let him talk you round. You can’t live the rest of your life wondering what he’s up to. You’re worth more.

NestaArcheron · 05/02/2025 18:30

He took his penis out and rubbed it against her vagina, in a nightclub?
No, he had sex with her. The "I can't remember" is total bollocks - if he remembers rubbing his penis against someone who wasn't his wife, he remembers whether or not he had sex after.

Cornflakes123 · 05/02/2025 18:40

If it was just a kiss and some rubbing why on earth is he telling you this now ? I don’t believe he didn’t have sex. I’m so sorry op.