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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable in relationship or just being honest?

104 replies

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 13:54

I have been with my boyfriend around 1.5 years. We have a lovely relationship. I coparent with my ex husband 50/50 and this works well for us. So far my relationship has been very separate to my parenting life. My boyfriend (understandably) hold like thing sir move forward where we combine our lives a bit more. He would like to meet my children and live together in near enough future.
i have explained that right now I am happy with how things are. I’m not keen to introduce anyone into my children’s lives, I’m happy it being my and my children and they’re still very young and have had women in and out of their dads life so that does shape my views on this.
my boyfriend has suggested that I get some counselling to work through my issues with commitment and moving forward. Yes my awful marriage has affected how I see my future but untimely I am happy and don’t really feel I need to change my views on this.
I have told him that this may change in the future as my children get older and as our relationship grows but for now I am happy with how it is.
I feel that we are on different pages and that neither is right or wrong and maybe then this isn’t going to work. But he feels I need to change how I feel about the future

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 05/02/2025 13:56

he feels I need to change how I feel about the future

He does, does he?

Sounds like he "needs you to change your feelings about your future to accomodate his needs".

ARichtGoodDram · 05/02/2025 13:58

I feel that we are on different pages and that neither is right or wrong and maybe then this isn’t going to work.

That sounds about accurate to me. You're both entitled to your wants and if they don't combine well it's perhaps time to call it a day.

But he feels I need to change how I feel about the future

He can want you to change, but to suggest you need counselling just because you don't want to introduce someone to your children is daft.

That said you do need to be bluntly honest with him so he knows where he stands and then he can make a decision to call things off if it doesn't work for him.

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 13:58

suburberphobe · 05/02/2025 13:56

he feels I need to change how I feel about the future

He does, does he?

Sounds like he "needs you to change your feelings about your future to accomodate his needs".

Well he feels I’m holding myself back from a great and fulfilling relationship. And honestly he’s lovely, I can’t fault him. But just because I’m not following the ‘normal’ pace or steps of a relationship doesn’t mean I need to work through it

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 05/02/2025 13:58

Absolutely do not change your thoughts on what is best for your children simply because he wants you to:

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 13:59

I’ve no fears or concerns specifically about him meeting my children, it’s just now what I want to do and not is it important to me right now

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 05/02/2025 13:59

Well he feels I’m holding myself back from a great and fulfilling relationship.

He needs to understand that you are perfectly entitled to do that if you feel it's best for you and your children.

SewingBees · 05/02/2025 14:01

First response nails it. If he really is a good guy he'll accept your stance on this.

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:02

ARichtGoodDram · 05/02/2025 13:59

Well he feels I’m holding myself back from a great and fulfilling relationship.

He needs to understand that you are perfectly entitled to do that if you feel it's best for you and your children.

Thanks. It’s just what I want for now. There’s no massive reasons for why I don’t want to do those things but I just don’t want that for my life right now. Happy with how things are

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 05/02/2025 14:07

If he wants something that doesn't fit how you want to live your life then it sounds as if you are not compatible. He is not unreasonable to want to blend your families into one. You are not unreasonable to not want to do that. This sounds as if someone has to be willing to make a big compromise or you will eventually have to break up.

TwistedWonder · 05/02/2025 14:07

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 13:59

I’ve no fears or concerns specifically about him meeting my children, it’s just now what I want to do and not is it important to me right now

And that is absolutely your right to have those boundaries and stick to them without him telling you that you need to change thorn to suit what he wants.

Im actually with you. I think you’re doing the right thing by keeping your relationship separate to your family life until you’re ready. And cohabitating is not essential these days for a relationship to progress.

Maybe he needs to change his he feels about the future and not you!

Coconutter24 · 05/02/2025 14:12

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:02

Thanks. It’s just what I want for now. There’s no massive reasons for why I don’t want to do those things but I just don’t want that for my life right now. Happy with how things are

Show quote history

You’re entitled to feel how you feel and live the life you want to, equally if he wants to take the next step and more commitment from the relationship he’s also entitled to want this. If you both want different things it won’t work or will cause resentment. Is there nowhere in the middle you can both meet?

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:12

TwistedWonder · 05/02/2025 14:07

And that is absolutely your right to have those boundaries and stick to them without him telling you that you need to change thorn to suit what he wants.

Im actually with you. I think you’re doing the right thing by keeping your relationship separate to your family life until you’re ready. And cohabitating is not essential these days for a relationship to progress.

Maybe he needs to change his he feels about the future and not you!

Show quote history

Yeah I don’t feel im holding myself back or that I’m not allowing myself a “fulfilled life”. I feel very fulfilled right now in all aspects of my life. And I feel introducing a partner to my children isn’t in their best interests…i love my little life with them.
undoubtably my divorce has impacted how I view relationships and how much I can commit to someone but I don’t feel like I need to change that right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:14

Coconutter24 · 05/02/2025 14:12

You’re entitled to feel how you feel and live the life you want to, equally if he wants to take the next step and more commitment from the relationship he’s also entitled to want this. If you both want different things it won’t work or will cause resentment. Is there nowhere in the middle you can both meet?

Show quote history

He doesn’t want us to break up and would like us to be one big happy family. I might want that on down the line but I can’t promise him that.
im not sure what the middle ground would look like. I understand his worries because he is afraid il never want more than what we have now, and honestly im not sure I will want anymore than this

OP posts:
Toffeepieandcream · 05/02/2025 14:15

You sound very sensible and the way you're keeping your family life and children separate is very much your decision and in no way his. He can suggest how he wants things to be and express his preferred options, of course, but just because you don't fit with that does not mean you need counselling!! I'm with you - I love living with my children and will do for the forseeable - even though I love my partner and we talk about buying a house together in the future. The last few months has really made me appreciate how valuable space and time alone, away from my (lovely, kind, funny) partner is. It's not a reflection on him - its about my enjoying this valuable time with my kids and enjoying time when they're happily at thier dad's house with friends/partner/rest of family or alone (last one is often preferable - not because I have commitment issues but because life is busy and peace is fantastic!!) Stick to your guns - go at your own pace. He will either understand or he will decide it's not right for him eventually.

Redfred00 · 05/02/2025 14:16

You go at your pace.

Toffeepieandcream · 05/02/2025 14:18

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:14

He doesn’t want us to break up and would like us to be one big happy family. I might want that on down the line but I can’t promise him that.
im not sure what the middle ground would look like. I understand his worries because he is afraid il never want more than what we have now, and honestly im not sure I will want anymore than this

Show quote history

The thing is - you don't have to decide that now. 1.5 years is still a relatively new relationship, particularly when you have children. The more pressure you feel, the less likely you are to want to commit (I would imagine) so hopefully he can understand this if you try to explain it to him again?

Coconutter24 · 05/02/2025 14:18

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:14

He doesn’t want us to break up and would like us to be one big happy family. I might want that on down the line but I can’t promise him that.
im not sure what the middle ground would look like. I understand his worries because he is afraid il never want more than what we have now, and honestly im not sure I will want anymore than this

Show quote history

Does he know there’s a chance you might never want more than what you both have now? If he doesn’t you need to tell him that so he has full transparency

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:21

Toffeepieandcream · 05/02/2025 14:15

You sound very sensible and the way you're keeping your family life and children separate is very much your decision and in no way his. He can suggest how he wants things to be and express his preferred options, of course, but just because you don't fit with that does not mean you need counselling!! I'm with you - I love living with my children and will do for the forseeable - even though I love my partner and we talk about buying a house together in the future. The last few months has really made me appreciate how valuable space and time alone, away from my (lovely, kind, funny) partner is. It's not a reflection on him - its about my enjoying this valuable time with my kids and enjoying time when they're happily at thier dad's house with friends/partner/rest of family or alone (last one is often preferable - not because I have commitment issues but because life is busy and peace is fantastic!!) Stick to your guns - go at your own pace. He will either understand or he will decide it's not right for him eventually.

Yes that’s exactly it. The thought of being stuck with someone 24/7 in my lovely home that I bought and look after so well post divorce is just not for me

OP posts:
Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 05/02/2025 14:22

Has he not met your dc in any capacity? When I met dh I was nervous how he would feel seeing me parent my dc!! And if they would like each other.. Months /years passing without even knowing this could be a waste of both your times imo. Is he pushing to meet them particularly or just moving the relationship forward in general?

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:23

Coconutter24 · 05/02/2025 14:18

Does he know there’s a chance you might never want more than what you both have now? If he doesn’t you need to tell him that so he has full transparency

Show quote history

Yes he knows this, we’ve talked about it a lot recently. He says he wants to remain hopeful that this will change for me but I said I don’t feel the need for it to change

OP posts:
Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:24

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 05/02/2025 14:22

Has he not met your dc in any capacity? When I met dh I was nervous how he would feel seeing me parent my dc!! And if they would like each other.. Months /years passing without even knowing this could be a waste of both your times imo. Is he pushing to meet them particularly or just moving the relationship forward in general?

No, hasn’t met them at all. He’s not pushing to meet them specifically but just to know that we will take those steps in the future

OP posts:
Mom2K · 05/02/2025 14:24

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:14

He doesn’t want us to break up and would like us to be one big happy family. I might want that on down the line but I can’t promise him that.
im not sure what the middle ground would look like. I understand his worries because he is afraid il never want more than what we have now, and honestly im not sure I will want anymore than this

Show quote history

And the two of you have never had a conversation prior to this as to what you each wanted out of the relationship/where it was heading? Seems a pretty important thing to establish earlier.

There is a pretty huge incompatibility here. Neither of you are wrong...but breaking up will make the most sense as it isn't fair on either of you to continue when you are at such different stages, and not knowing if at any point you both can be on the same page.

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:31

Mom2K · 05/02/2025 14:24

And the two of you have never had a conversation prior to this as to what you each wanted out of the relationship/where it was heading? Seems a pretty important thing to establish earlier.

There is a pretty huge incompatibility here. Neither of you are wrong...but breaking up will make the most sense as it isn't fair on either of you to continue when you are at such different stages, and not knowing if at any point you both can be on the same page.

Show quote history

We have, on and off, I’ve been pretty upfront that I’ve never really felt the need or desire to live with a partner again and am unsure if I would like any more children but that it’s not a hard no for the future but that I’m happy with my lot. He was accepting of this but obviously as time goes on he wants more

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 05/02/2025 14:32

You sound happy, content even, with your life as it is and you shouldn’t feel pressured to change anything to make somebody else happy at your own expense.

It also strikes me that your DP is being somewhat naive thinking you will form a big happy family when he hasn’t met your children yet. Blended families are incredibly difficult (most aren’t happy) and the foundation has to be your partner and children actually liking one another.

He also needs to want to be a parent - does he even understand what that looks like? There is a thread going on at the moment where a step mum is being driven mad by her teen DSS staying up to watch TV with her and DP until bedtime. Understandable but not compatible with parent life.

outerspacepotato · 05/02/2025 14:36

So he's wanting to move things much faster than you do. You and your kids are in a good place and he wants to make big changes that are going to change your situation and will have big effects on your kids. What if they don't want to have him as a live in? What if they plain just don't like him? They're already seeing the gf parade at their dad's and I think that with a year and a half relationship with young children involved is a bit quick to think about him moving in when he hasn't even met your kids. You don't even really know him yet.

Does he have kids? Because he seems a bit pushy here.

Your goals and priorities might not be compatible here.

I think you guys need to have that talk that you aren't so keen on the idea of progressing quickly to his idea of big happy family all living together. You and your kids are comfortable with the status quo and you don't want to jeopardize that (and rightfully so).