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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable in relationship or just being honest?

104 replies

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 13:54

I have been with my boyfriend around 1.5 years. We have a lovely relationship. I coparent with my ex husband 50/50 and this works well for us. So far my relationship has been very separate to my parenting life. My boyfriend (understandably) hold like thing sir move forward where we combine our lives a bit more. He would like to meet my children and live together in near enough future.
i have explained that right now I am happy with how things are. I’m not keen to introduce anyone into my children’s lives, I’m happy it being my and my children and they’re still very young and have had women in and out of their dads life so that does shape my views on this.
my boyfriend has suggested that I get some counselling to work through my issues with commitment and moving forward. Yes my awful marriage has affected how I see my future but untimely I am happy and don’t really feel I need to change my views on this.
I have told him that this may change in the future as my children get older and as our relationship grows but for now I am happy with how it is.
I feel that we are on different pages and that neither is right or wrong and maybe then this isn’t going to work. But he feels I need to change how I feel about the future

OP posts:
Snoken · 06/02/2025 08:53

Multim33 · 06/02/2025 08:46

Yes well that’s it. I worry about him too. I know the counselling suggestion sounds awful but I think he just struggles to understand why I would be happy as I am when he wants more. But I’ve done the marriage, kids, cohabiting thing, he hasn’t.
and I suppose at the start of our relationship I was very open with how my ex husband treated me and how it has affected me. So he worries that’s still hanging over me. When really I realised I’m just happy with how things are now

Show quote history

Yes, exactly. It's not necessarily that you are broken or wrong in any way, you are just content and happy to be out of it. You've been there and done that. It wasn't a great experience and the gamble of trying it again is too risky, especially since you now also have DC to think about.

I had the same experience. I didn't walk into my marriage thinking this will be awful either, nobody does, but when it turns out that way it's hard to find the will to potentially put yourself through it again.

Original poster
Multim33 · 06/02/2025 08:54

Snoken · 06/02/2025 08:53

Yes, exactly. It's not necessarily that you are broken or wrong in any way, you are just content and happy to be out of it. You've been there and done that. It wasn't a great experience and the gamble of trying it again is too risky, especially since you now also have DC to think about.

I had the same experience. I didn't walk into my marriage thinking this will be awful either, nobody does, but when it turns out that way it's hard to find the will to potentially put yourself through it again.

Show quote history

You’re 100% right.
my attitude may change I guess. But I don’t feel like it needs to change, and he’s finding that hard to understand.
he’s a lovely, kind, gentle guys and he deserves to have the life he wants as well

OP posts:
aei22 · 06/02/2025 08:59

I think you should set him free. He wants a committed relationship - marriage, house, kids - the whole nine yards - a full life together. You don’t. You prioritise your kids and home, fair enough. You only want him part time - that might be your ideal, but it’s horrible for him and blocking his life progression re marriage/kids etc. You are totally incompatible.

Original poster
Multim33 · 06/02/2025 09:02

aei22 · 06/02/2025 08:59

I think you should set him free. He wants a committed relationship - marriage, house, kids - the whole nine yards - a full life together. You don’t. You prioritise your kids and home, fair enough. You only want him part time - that might be your ideal, but it’s horrible for him and blocking his life progression re marriage/kids etc. You are totally incompatible.

he doesn’t think it’s horrible but thanks 👍

OP posts:
Bestfootforward11 · 06/02/2025 09:14

I don’t think you are being unreasonable here. You are just both on different pages. As long as you are both up front with how you feel you can navigate the way forward.

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 06/02/2025 09:18

Agree with other people, you are being very sensible and are happy with how things are. If he's not happy, then maybe you need to start being honest with each other and consider separating.

FurryTeacup · 06/02/2025 09:27

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 16:37

We are trying to decide what to do. I’ve told him this is what I can offer him and I understand if it isn’t enough. He says he would like to stay hopeful but I said if we stay together I don’t really want to feel pressure to ‘change’ or progress when I’ve explained I’m happy with how things are. He’s worried we are throwing away something good. I would be very sad if we broke up and I do worry that we are giving up on something too…

Well, I wouldn’t let what sounds rather like emotional blackmail pressure me into making any commitment to a shared future I wasn’t sure I wanted.

If, perfectly understandably, he’s not happy with what you’re offering, then he needs to end the relationship and find someone who wants what he wants, not try to make you envisage the future as he does.

You’re not being in the least unreasonable — you’re not, and never have, offered false promises. He’s not unreasonable to want what he wants, either. But he is to try to make you commit to what the future looks like.

In your shoes, I would probably end things now. I wouldn’t want this hanging over me.

FurryTeacup · 06/02/2025 09:28

aei22 · 06/02/2025 08:59

I think you should set him free. He wants a committed relationship - marriage, house, kids - the whole nine yards - a full life together. You don’t. You prioritise your kids and home, fair enough. You only want him part time - that might be your ideal, but it’s horrible for him and blocking his life progression re marriage/kids etc. You are totally incompatible.

Or he could set himself free? The OP has been completely upfront about her mindset. If he wants something different, he’s at liberty go and find it elsewhere.

pimplebum · 06/02/2025 09:35

He’s not wrong for wanting more

you are not wrong for wanting things to stay as they are

loss of power , independence and money is real in divorce and you would be foolish not be frivolous with your time and home , money and kids

StopStartStop · 06/02/2025 09:58

my boyfriend has suggested that I get some counselling to work through my issues with commitment and moving forward...he feels I need to change how I feel about the future
Your life currently is perfect and you sound like a very sensible woman. You have your own home and keep your children separate from your sex life. That works for you and it works for them. That is the extent of your responsibility. He does not have any right to tell you to 'get counselling' so you can better
fit in with his plans.

The thought of being stuck with someone 24/7 in my lovely home that I bought and look after so well post divorce is just not for me...He has his own house ... he always imagined that he would buy another house with a partner.
You are very sensible to be wary of moving anyone into your home. Has he said that's what he wants? Not you to move in with him, keeping your own house (perhaps renting it out) for security in case things fall apart? He's not thinking of your best interests.
So you are supposed to sell your house (and perhaps he sell his) so you can buy bigger, together? He's looking to you as a business opportunity. Do you have more, financially, to bring to the relationship than he does? If so, be extra wary.

As for more children... you have children, why do you need more? The rule with children is 'don't have children you can't support alone if the man lets you down', so maybe you'd be ok. Men use children as a means to make women controllable - witness, the abuse that often begins when women are pregnant. If you are desperate for another child, you could maintain your current living arrangements and pop him a sprog. Do you want to be tied to him for the rest of your life?

user1471538283 · 06/02/2025 10:45

Your gut is telling you something.

In each instance when things are too rushed for one party it never ends well. He shouldn't be pushing you into anything. I wonder why he's pushing?

Original poster
Multim33 · 06/02/2025 12:29

StopStartStop · 06/02/2025 09:58

my boyfriend has suggested that I get some counselling to work through my issues with commitment and moving forward...he feels I need to change how I feel about the future
Your life currently is perfect and you sound like a very sensible woman. You have your own home and keep your children separate from your sex life. That works for you and it works for them. That is the extent of your responsibility. He does not have any right to tell you to 'get counselling' so you can better
fit in with his plans.

The thought of being stuck with someone 24/7 in my lovely home that I bought and look after so well post divorce is just not for me...He has his own house ... he always imagined that he would buy another house with a partner.
You are very sensible to be wary of moving anyone into your home. Has he said that's what he wants? Not you to move in with him, keeping your own house (perhaps renting it out) for security in case things fall apart? He's not thinking of your best interests.
So you are supposed to sell your house (and perhaps he sell his) so you can buy bigger, together? He's looking to you as a business opportunity. Do you have more, financially, to bring to the relationship than he does? If so, be extra wary.

As for more children... you have children, why do you need more? The rule with children is 'don't have children you can't support alone if the man lets you down', so maybe you'd be ok. Men use children as a means to make women controllable - witness, the abuse that often begins when women are pregnant. If you are desperate for another child, you could maintain your current living arrangements and pop him a sprog. Do you want to be tied to him for the rest of your life?

Well I guess people can want more children for many reasons whether they have children or not already

OP posts:
Original poster
Multim33 · 06/02/2025 12:30

user1471538283 · 06/02/2025 10:45

Your gut is telling you something.

In each instance when things are too rushed for one party it never ends well. He shouldn't be pushing you into anything. I wonder why he's pushing?

it doesn’t feel like he’s pushing me. He’s also being honest with me about his wants/needs for the future. I guess they’re just misaligned

OP posts:
altmember · 06/02/2025 12:57

Has he met any of the rest of your family and friends? Sounds like you're happy with the fuck buddy arrangement and he wants a full relationship. He's not happy with the status quo and is just holding out in hope that you'll come round to something more committed

If the situation were reversed people would be telling you not to wait around for this person, they've made it clear they don't want more.

Original poster
Multim33 · 06/02/2025 13:02

altmember · 06/02/2025 12:57

Has he met any of the rest of your family and friends? Sounds like you're happy with the fuck buddy arrangement and he wants a full relationship. He's not happy with the status quo and is just holding out in hope that you'll come round to something more committed

If the situation were reversed people would be telling you not to wait around for this person, they've made it clear they don't want more.

lol he’s not a fuck buddy by any stretch. I spend half my life with him basically And yes as I said above we spend time with each others extended family.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 06/02/2025 13:12

Obviously I’m not the OP but I’m shocked at the number of posts who seem to think unless you’re talking cohabitation, marriage and kids then it’s a part time relationship or even worse, a ‘fuck buddy’

Like they can’t imagine that many people choose to have a fully committed relationship without giving up their homes and personal space

Original poster
Multim33 · 06/02/2025 13:16

TwistedWonder · 06/02/2025 13:12

Obviously I’m not the OP but I’m shocked at the number of posts who seem to think unless you’re talking cohabitation, marriage and kids then it’s a part time relationship or even worse, a ‘fuck buddy’

Like they can’t imagine that many people choose to have a fully committed relationship without giving up their homes and personal space

Edited

Yes, this.

and the other poster who said it’s good I’m keeping sex life separate. I’m not out here sleeping around- I’m in a committed relationship.

it’s just rude

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 06/02/2025 13:30

Coconutter24 · 05/02/2025 15:00

Then I think the answer to your original question is you’re not being unreasonable you are just being honest. He’s had your feelings laid out to him and he has made a decision on how to go forward so I wouldn’t give it any more thought for now

Show quote history

Yes the ball is in his court now so to speak so it's up to him if he chooses to continue the relationship. If you are quite happy how you are so be it.

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 06/02/2025 13:34

MyOpulentDuck · 05/02/2025 17:08

Speaking as someone who has been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years and have no plans to move in together in the immediate future, you can absolutely have a committed and fulfilling relationship without living together. In fact, I think our relationship is far better for it!
I’m in a slightly different situation as my partner has two children of his own (as do I) but I feel the same way as you. I worked extremely hard and made sacrifices to buy my house post divorce and I love it. It’s mine and my children’s space and I stay at my DP’s house when my children are with their dad which is every other weekend.

We have a great relationship - 6 years on and I still look forward to seeing him and having proper date nights where he comes to pick me up or we meet somewhere etc. Still having lots of great sex and I have plenty of time for my own friends and hobbies as well as seeing my children as much as I want without having the additional stress of blended families.

I keep my kids and my DP pretty separate. I don’t feel any need to blend out families and my DP has feels the same way too. I think he may want to move in together in the next few years as his kids are growing up and moving out but I’d be quite happy to keep things the way they are for another few years.

I’m extremely lucky to have a DP who is on the same page as me in that respect and I don’t know where the relationship would go if he started pushing for change, only you can make that decision. I just wanted to give my input as someone who is in a similar situation and still enjoying a great relationship without feeling the need to live together.
PS, all his mates are completely jealous that he gets to have a “part time” girlfriend who doesn’t live with him but is still getting more sex than they are 😆

I’m in a similar relationship. We’ve been together for 2 years. We both have kids and live apart. Kids have met but we only meet with them every few months. We see each other every other weekend. We adore each other. We have a lovely relationship, time together without the kids! He supports me (for example, I heard a relative was very unwell, I rang him almost immediately for support and he was there for me). We have talked about moving in together at some point, but the kids have been through a lot in the last few years and we don’t want to create any more upheaval. So we carry on as we are, enjoying other's company and we’ll see how the future pans out.
OP I think you’re absolutely right about your choices. I’d be very wary of someone who’s attitude is essentially ‘You’ll have to change in the future’.

MyOpulentDuck · 06/02/2025 15:04

The fuck buddy comment is completely uncalled for. It is entirely possible to have a “proper” relationship without living together and forcing your children to have a step parent when they’ve already seen the breakdown of their parents’ marriage and in my case, a move to a new town, new house and new school.

I really don’t understand why so many people seem in such a hurry to live together when all it seems to do is cause friction!

Original poster
Multim33 · 07/02/2025 16:28

MyOpulentDuck · 06/02/2025 15:04

The fuck buddy comment is completely uncalled for. It is entirely possible to have a “proper” relationship without living together and forcing your children to have a step parent when they’ve already seen the breakdown of their parents’ marriage and in my case, a move to a new town, new house and new school.

I really don’t understand why so many people seem in such a hurry to live together when all it seems to do is cause friction!

Thank you. I competed agree. A relationship without cohabiting works for so many people

OP posts:
anyolddinosaur · 07/02/2025 16:45

How old are your children? After 1.5 years I'd think it reasonable for him to want to meet them and gradually get to know them/ spend a little time with them. That may change his view on wanting children! If you are ever going to move in together it should be a gradual process, not something you rush into. An occasional meeting would show if there is something you are missing or if you are better staying as you are. It might also clarify for him what he is missing and whether he wants to stay with you if you wont commit any further.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/02/2025 16:49

mondaytosunday · 05/02/2025 14:48

Shoe on other foot and I'm sure people would be saying to you 'if he doesn't want to commit after 18 months then when will he ever'!
You are happy with the status quo. He wants to move things along. The default is your position but he may not want to wait. The reference to a counselling is rather OTT though, as you say you can go whatever pace you want that isn't a problem in itself. That he doesn't agree with it is something he has to work out, which he may eventually do by breaking up.

I can just imagine the reverse. He's not that into you. He's stringing you along. The woman would definitely not be labelled 'pushy' after a year and a half.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/02/2025 16:50

FictionalCharacter · 05/02/2025 16:42

It isn't the "normal" pace, it's the pace he wants. He wants you to get counselling because you won't do what he wants at the pace he wants. That is not good and he isn't sounding "lovely". If he was lovely, he'd understand, and wait for you for as long as you need.

Show quote history

What are you basing it on when you say it's not the normal pace?

Gwenhwyfar · 07/02/2025 16:53

TwistedWonder · 06/02/2025 13:12

Obviously I’m not the OP but I’m shocked at the number of posts who seem to think unless you’re talking cohabitation, marriage and kids then it’s a part time relationship or even worse, a ‘fuck buddy’

Like they can’t imagine that many people choose to have a fully committed relationship without giving up their homes and personal space

Edited

Part time in terms of time spent together I suppose. If you don't live together, you probably don't see each other every day unless you live next door.

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