Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable in relationship or just being honest?

104 replies

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 13:54

I have been with my boyfriend around 1.5 years. We have a lovely relationship. I coparent with my ex husband 50/50 and this works well for us. So far my relationship has been very separate to my parenting life. My boyfriend (understandably) hold like thing sir move forward where we combine our lives a bit more. He would like to meet my children and live together in near enough future.
i have explained that right now I am happy with how things are. I’m not keen to introduce anyone into my children’s lives, I’m happy it being my and my children and they’re still very young and have had women in and out of their dads life so that does shape my views on this.
my boyfriend has suggested that I get some counselling to work through my issues with commitment and moving forward. Yes my awful marriage has affected how I see my future but untimely I am happy and don’t really feel I need to change my views on this.
I have told him that this may change in the future as my children get older and as our relationship grows but for now I am happy with how it is.
I feel that we are on different pages and that neither is right or wrong and maybe then this isn’t going to work. But he feels I need to change how I feel about the future

OP posts:
Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:36

StormingNorman · 05/02/2025 14:32

You sound happy, content even, with your life as it is and you shouldn’t feel pressured to change anything to make somebody else happy at your own expense.

It also strikes me that your DP is being somewhat naive thinking you will form a big happy family when he hasn’t met your children yet. Blended families are incredibly difficult (most aren’t happy) and the foundation has to be your partner and children actually liking one another.

He also needs to want to be a parent - does he even understand what that looks like? There is a thread going on at the moment where a step mum is being driven mad by her teen DSS staying up to watch TV with her and DP until bedtime. Understandable but not compatible with parent life.

Ultimately I would like to share my life with someone but then when it comes to actually taking the steps to do it - meet my kids, potentially move in together etc I just don’t then want to do those things and feel content as I am.
it could be that I am holding myself back?? That’s what he thins. Who knows

OP posts:
Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:37

outerspacepotato · 05/02/2025 14:36

So he's wanting to move things much faster than you do. You and your kids are in a good place and he wants to make big changes that are going to change your situation and will have big effects on your kids. What if they don't want to have him as a live in? What if they plain just don't like him? They're already seeing the gf parade at their dad's and I think that with a year and a half relationship with young children involved is a bit quick to think about him moving in when he hasn't even met your kids. You don't even really know him yet.

Does he have kids? Because he seems a bit pushy here.

Your goals and priorities might not be compatible here.

I think you guys need to have that talk that you aren't so keen on the idea of progressing quickly to his idea of big happy family all living together. You and your kids are comfortable with the status quo and you don't want to jeopardize that (and rightfully so).

No he doesn’t have kids.

he feels he’s missing out on a whole part of my life and feels like he is a part time boyfriend. And I’m sure that’s not a nice feeling either

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 05/02/2025 14:46

You are not unreasonable and neither is he. You want different things. Maybe it will mean your relationship ends but that’s how it goes.

mondaytosunday · 05/02/2025 14:48

Shoe on other foot and I'm sure people would be saying to you 'if he doesn't want to commit after 18 months then when will he ever'!
You are happy with the status quo. He wants to move things along. The default is your position but he may not want to wait. The reference to a counselling is rather OTT though, as you say you can go whatever pace you want that isn't a problem in itself. That he doesn't agree with it is something he has to work out, which he may eventually do by breaking up.

Snoken · 05/02/2025 14:50

It sounds like you probably aren't ready for another relationship just yet. I got divorced 3 years ago and did try and date but got the same feelings that you are having now, like I was about to be trapped or that was just all too much too soon. I decided I am just happier without a man right now and it wouldn't be fair to try and have relationships when I know I can't be fully committed.

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:50

mondaytosunday · 05/02/2025 14:48

Shoe on other foot and I'm sure people would be saying to you 'if he doesn't want to commit after 18 months then when will he ever'!
You are happy with the status quo. He wants to move things along. The default is your position but he may not want to wait. The reference to a counselling is rather OTT though, as you say you can go whatever pace you want that isn't a problem in itself. That he doesn't agree with it is something he has to work out, which he may eventually do by breaking up.

Yes I totally get that if it was the other way around. I feel like I am committed to him in terms of our relationship. We spend time with each others extended families and spend a good. It if time together, holidays etc it’s not a casual fling by any stretch

OP posts:
Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:51

Snoken · 05/02/2025 14:50

It sounds like you probably aren't ready for another relationship just yet. I got divorced 3 years ago and did try and date but got the same feelings that you are having now, like I was about to be trapped or that was just all too much too soon. I decided I am just happier without a man right now and it wouldn't be fair to try and have relationships when I know I can't be fully committed.

Yes quite possibly :(

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 05/02/2025 14:53

He knew what he was getting into dating a woman with kids who prioritizes her kids.

His expectations that you would date a while then move in and be a big happy family aren't that realistic when you have kids.

Is he wanting children? That would be another thing for your kids to deal with.

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:56

outerspacepotato · 05/02/2025 14:53

He knew what he was getting into dating a woman with kids who prioritizes her kids.

His expectations that you would date a while then move in and be a big happy family aren't that realistic when you have kids.

Is he wanting children? That would be another thing for your kids to deal with.

Yes he would like children of his own. Another thing we’ve disusssed. I’m young enough that I have another 10 years all being well to have more children if I wanted to but I’m not sure I do

OP posts:
SlipperyLizard · 05/02/2025 14:56

I would never move in with another man if DH and I split, I don’t know a single woman whose life isn’t made harder by cohabiting.

I also wouldn’t be moving any man into my DC’s space (my mum had a series of boyfriends, some more hideous than others, and none moved in until my step-dad, but what I remember most is simply not wanting them in my life).

Stick to your guns, OP, your kids (and your wants!) should come first.

Coconutter24 · 05/02/2025 15:00

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:23

Yes he knows this, we’ve talked about it a lot recently. He says he wants to remain hopeful that this will change for me but I said I don’t feel the need for it to change

Show quote history

Then I think the answer to your original question is you’re not being unreasonable you are just being honest. He’s had your feelings laid out to him and he has made a decision on how to go forward so I wouldn’t give it any more thought for now

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 15:08

Coconutter24 · 05/02/2025 15:00

Then I think the answer to your original question is you’re not being unreasonable you are just being honest. He’s had your feelings laid out to him and he has made a decision on how to go forward so I wouldn’t give it any more thought for now

Show quote history

Thank you.

i guess I’ve always thought il be ready when im ready. I’m not putting pressure on myself. Yes im probably more guarded than most but that’s just who I am.
i guess I’ve also thought with the right person il feel ready to take those steps but actually when i think about it, im very happy as i am

OP posts:
strawberrysea · 05/02/2025 15:16

Stop stringing him along. You only want him to have partial access to you and your life and he clearly wants a future with you. It's really not fair on him at all.

Beamur · 05/02/2025 15:21

I feel that we are on different pages and that neither is right or wrong and maybe then this isn’t going to work
In a nutshell

TwistedWonder · 05/02/2025 15:22

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 15:08

Thank you.

i guess I’ve always thought il be ready when im ready. I’m not putting pressure on myself. Yes im probably more guarded than most but that’s just who I am.
i guess I’ve also thought with the right person il feel ready to take those steps but actually when i think about it, im very happy as i am

Show quote history

It’s not even about not being ready. Many people now actively choose to be in long term, committed relationships without living together or blending families.

Im past the stage of having more kids but out of my friends group, not a single woman wants to cohabitate again.

There's a lot to be said for both having your own space as well as coming together.

EmmaMaria · 05/02/2025 15:22

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:02

Thanks. It’s just what I want for now. There’s no massive reasons for why I don’t want to do those things but I just don’t want that for my life right now. Happy with how things are

Show quote history

To be fair, he isn't. He can't make you change how you feel, but you can't change how he feels either. If he is looking for a committed relationship and that isn't what you see, then you need to tell him that bluntly and let him move on and find it with somebody else. You have no more right to expect him to be happy with how things are now (and he's said he isn't) than he has to expect you to get "help" to come around to his point of view.

Toffeepieandcream · 05/02/2025 15:25

Good god! You are not in any way "stringing him along" and neither are you being unfair. He's an adult and you're being totally honest....And in response to one of previous posters, I absolutely would be offering same advice to a man in this situation: Personal choice, honesty, children always come first, your happiness in status quo = very important. You've had the conversation - you've told him exactly where you stand. He's lovely - you're very happy - stick with it. NO counselling/big issues/'throw him back and let him find someone who wants a proper relationship' nonsense needed here :-)

ARichtGoodDram · 05/02/2025 15:33

If he's not happy with the incompatibility then he should walk away.

That he's suggesting you need counselling, essentially because you don't agree with him, is quite a statement on his part.

There's nothing wrong with someone wanting to keep their children separate from their new partner and not wanting to live with someone. That's not abnormal or weird or something that you need to be counselled out of.

It's a perfectly normal and healthy, for you, thing to do.

His choices are to accept that or move on. Suggesting you need some sort of help is actually more awful the more I think of it. The arrogance is quite something.

Gloriainextremis · 05/02/2025 15:33

"my boyfriend has suggested that I get some counselling to work through my issues with commitment and moving forward"

Oh he has, has he? Perhaps he needs to have it pointed out to him that your primary commitment is towards your children and their needs, and that is the way it has to be for now. Maybe tell him that you are well aware that he would like you to be more committed towards a relationship with him, and you will - when you decide that the time is right to do so. No counselling required.

Slurper · 05/02/2025 15:51

Multim33 · 05/02/2025 14:21

Yes that’s exactly it. The thought of being stuck with someone 24/7 in my lovely home that I bought and look after so well post divorce is just not for me

Show quote history

I think based on that, you have to be prepared that at some point he may walk away. That of course is fine if you are not meeting each others needs. This may be a fundamental difference that can’t be overcome. You shouldn’t change the way you feel though. Lots of people never live with a new partner when they have kids or at least wait until the kids are older and out of the house.

Nationsss · 05/02/2025 15:59

OP, so many women with children and their own happy home, bitterly regret mixing up and spoiling the dynamic by marrying a partner and giving them equity in their home.
So foolish.
Protect your childrens home and safety above everything.
If he's not happy, let him off.
Protect what you have built.

GivingUpFinally · 05/02/2025 16:10

Honestly, I think you're doing the right thing. For now, your relationship is you and him. End of. When you're ready to mix in the children, you'll just know it's the right time.

You need to be led by your instincts and your instincts are saying "not yet..." that should be enough for him.

You sound open and honest. He needs to respect those boundaries. This isn't a red flag on your part. It's a clear cut boundary. He's pushing those boundaries by suggesting you get counselling. I'd be very offended if that was suggested to me. He wants you to change something that doesn't need changing until you are 100% ready.

Put it this way...change "meeting kids" with "sky diving" its something that you may want to do in the future but haven't built yourself up to just yet. Would you let him push you out of a plane before you were ready? Bit of an extreme example, but once you take that leap there's no undoing it.

soarklyknobs · 05/02/2025 16:18

At fucking last!

A mother on here who puts her children's needs ahead of her new BF's.

I am 100% with you OP.

You have a relationship that is working, that is separate from your DC. You are happy, your DC are happy and if your BF isn't, then the 75% of people who don't want him living with you, outweighs his 25% who does.

The likelihood if he moves in is that you'll be cooking for him and cleaning up after him before you know it. But mostly you'll be sacrificing 1-on-1 time with your DC, there's just no need.

Original poster
Multim33 · 05/02/2025 16:23

strawberrysea · 05/02/2025 15:16

Stop stringing him along. You only want him to have partial access to you and your life and he clearly wants a future with you. It's really not fair on him at all.

How am I stringing him along?

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 05/02/2025 16:25

What is his home situation like? does he own, is his house clean and tidy.
I also agree that you can have a happy relationship without living together.