Am I being unreasonable in relationship or just being honest?

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I have been with my boyfriend around 1.5 years. We have a lovely relationship. I coparent with my ex husband 50/50 and this works well for us. So far my relationship has been very separate to my parenting life. My boyfriend (understandably) hold like thing sir move forward where we combine our lives a bit more. He would like to meet my children and live together in near enough future.
i have explained that right now I am happy with how things are. I’m not keen to introduce anyone into my children’s lives, I’m happy it being my and my children and they’re still very young and have had women in and out of their dads life so that does shape my views on this.
my boyfriend has suggested that I get some counselling to work through my issues with commitment and moving forward. Yes my awful marriage has affected how I see my future but untimely I am happy and don’t really feel I need to change my views on this.
I have told him that this may change in the future as my children get older and as our relationship grows but for now I am happy with how it is.
I feel that we are on different pages and that neither is right or wrong and maybe then this isn’t going to work. But he feels I need to change how I feel about the future

I think you are being incredibly sensible!

That said he wants kids and you aren’t sure you do.

I think you both need to walk away.

He wants more than you can give him. It’s unfortunate but this relationship probably won’t work out.

We are trying to decide what to do. I’ve told him this is what I can offer him and I understand if it isn’t enough. He says he would like to stay hopeful but I said if we stay together I don’t really want to feel pressure to ‘change’ or progress when I’ve explained I’m happy with how things are. He’s worried we are throwing away something good. I would be very sad if we broke up and I do worry that we are giving up on something too…

It isn't the "normal" pace, it's the pace he wants. He wants you to get counselling because you won't do what he wants at the pace he wants. That is not good and he isn't sounding "lovely". If he was lovely, he'd understand, and wait for you for as long as you need.

Yes and what’s what I don’t want to lose- anymore time with my kids. I already have lost that through my separation from their dad

He has his own house yes. He said he always imagined that he would buy another house with a partner. I’m happy with my own house and doubt I would ever buy with a partner again. He is clean and tidy yes, can’t complain there

If he "wants to have hope" that you'll change your mind down the road, that's not fair on you because of the unspoken pressure that will undoubtedly set in.

The ball truly is in his court. From what you've posted, you have not wavered on your stance since the beginning of your relationship. He's choosing to stay in the relationship fully knowing where you stand.

Suggesting that you enter into counseling is a huge overstep and would honestly be a deal breaker for me, because you are not the one with the problem - he is.

You are completely right to prioritise your DC and the life you have created.

The stumbling block here, to my mind, is his desire to have children. That's a make or break decision. Are you going to be the mother of his potential future children? If not, he needs to decide whether to move on. If you think you might be, things will look different at some point in the future.

Well I have always thought I would like more children. But actually doing it is different to just the nice idea of having another child. But like I said I have a good few years hopefully to make that decision and I’d like my kids to be up a bit

Speaking as someone who has been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years and have no plans to move in together in the immediate future, you can absolutely have a committed and fulfilling relationship without living together. In fact, I think our relationship is far better for it!
I’m in a slightly different situation as my partner has two children of his own (as do I) but I feel the same way as you. I worked extremely hard and made sacrifices to buy my house post divorce and I love it. It’s mine and my children’s space and I stay at my DP’s house when my children are with their dad which is every other weekend.

We have a great relationship - 6 years on and I still look forward to seeing him and having proper date nights where he comes to pick me up or we meet somewhere etc. Still having lots of great sex and I have plenty of time for my own friends and hobbies as well as seeing my children as much as I want without having the additional stress of blended families.

I keep my kids and my DP pretty separate. I don’t feel any need to blend out families and my DP has feels the same way too. I think he may want to move in together in the next few years as his kids are growing up and moving out but I’d be quite happy to keep things the way they are for another few years.

I’m extremely lucky to have a DP who is on the same page as me in that respect and I don’t know where the relationship would go if he started pushing for change, only you can make that decision. I just wanted to give my input as someone who is in a similar situation and still enjoying a great relationship without feeling the need to live together.
PS, all his mates are completely jealous that he gets to have a “part time” girlfriend who doesn’t live with him but is still getting more sex than they are 😆

That’s helpful to read. Lucky you both are happy with the relationship as it stands.

I feel very much like you do OP. Neither you or your boyfriend is wrong. You might be better suited to dating someone who already has children.

I have two young kids; my boyfriend has three. We've been together about a year and I'm in no hurry to even consider introducing him to mine (easier as they're younger). And I have no interest in meeting his for a long, long time.

I feel like we have the best of all worlds. We see each other when he doesn't have his (50/50) and mine are either with their father or fast asleep.

I think "blending" families is usually damaging and incredibly selfish.

Keep working at your own place. If he is right for you and a good one, he will understand.

You sound like one of the rare women who are actually sensibly making a decision that’s based on your children’s happiness and stability. 1.5years isn’t long, what’s the rush?

Is he renting or something & wants to reduce his bills by sharing bills!

Also, I know you say he’s lovely but suggesting you need therapy isn’t nice. You sound like a great mum & more people should be like this imo.

You sound like a great mum OP, with your head well screwed on.

How I wish my own DM had taken a similar stance after she and my dad divorced. She rushed into relationship after relationship (that we kids met each time), and felt awkward seeing these men coming out of the shower etc. I’d never put my kids through that.

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Thank you. I appreciate your words.
I went through an awful time with my ex husband and I am very protective over the life I’ve built for not just my children but myself too. But ultimately I don’t feel the need to bring my boyfriend into my children’s life just because I want a relationship

Why on earth is she ‘stringing him along’ she’s been totally upfront with him. Might be an idea to re-read the thread.

Good for you! You’re doing great. Putting yours and your children’s needs as priority and you can have a great relationship too until you’re ready!

it’s still a young relationship really so I don’t understand the big rush by him unless it’s that he wants kids. Try & find out if it’s this as this would somewhat complicate things.

Exactly how I feel OP - my exH made everything about money when we split, to the extent that he was happy for me to lose the house I was buying for the sake of accepting £2,500 less on the house we were selling 🙄 I ended up having to agree to pay him the amount he’d be missing out on by accepting the low offer as he’d verbally attacked our estate agent over the phone and threatened to withdraw the house from sale if I didn’t agree. One of the most selfish people I’ve ever known and six years on, he’s still living back at his parents’ so there was no need to almost completely destroy my house purchase. Absolutely no consideration for the welfare of his children or the fact that by breaking that chain, I may have been forced to buy a smaller house in a worse area of town. It was at the time of the stamp duty waiver post covid too so I’d have ended up with that tax to pay too if I didn’t complete in time, so more money taken away from his children and affecting their standard of living. He purely did it to spite me because I’d broken up the family by refusing to put up with his volatile and aggressive behaviour any longer.

I’m in absolutely no hurry to tie myself to anyone else financially any time soon!!

Be honest with him and tell him your time scale. If it's another 10 years before you want to think of having kids then he needs to know it's a maybe.
All you can do it be totally honest and see where cards fall

Like the other posters pointed out OP, neither you nor your boyfriend are wrong in wanting what you want, but what is wrong is him suggesting counselling so that you may change your mind. It seems that he is suggesting you "have a problem" that you need to deal with. Sorry, but this is not good. Also him saying that he will stay with you hoping you would change your mind, this would bother me a lot. If you stayed together for a few years and in the end you still did not want to move in or have kids with him, he would most definitely blame you and resent you for it.

As for you not wanting to moving in together, I totally agree. I have left my ex four years ago and have absolutely no interest in dating. If I were, however, to find an amazing, loving and kind person, I would date him (or her 😉), but I would absolutely not want to move in together or, god forbid, get married again.

Also, I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for almost twenty years. They have five kids between them and have decided early on not to move in together. They have an amazing relationship. So, this is possible, for sure, you just have to find someone who wants the same.

Stick to your guns here.

You know deep down his not very veiled criticism of you ("you need to work on yourself") is unwarranted, it's pressure, and it's an attempt to undermine your knowledge of yourself.

It seems to me that the boyfriend is a nice extra in your perfectly happy life. And you are allowed to keep him in that position. Equally, he is allowed to prefer a move toward commitment.

But he's not allowed to dictate any aspect of the relationship to you, and he's crossing a big line - and rather boldly too - when he tells you there's something wrong with you.

You've been upfront about what you want and so is he, but feeling hopeful that you change your mind, the counseling comment, and that he wants kids makes me think he's not really going to drop the idea of pushing for more in your relationship.

And I applaud your decision to make the wellbeing of your children your priority. Divorce is hard on kids and bringing in new partners can be really iffy. You and your kids are in a good place now and I hope it stays that way.

I don't think you're not following the "normal" pace of things.

I am in what sounds like a similar relationship other than we both have kids and are on the same page about not blending families and not moving.

Stick to your gut about putting your kids first.

But he isn't wrong to want more either.

Maybe you're not compatible.

Thank you. I hope so too.

I feel like we likely will break up because of this but I know he doesn’t want to and neither do I really but I don’t want him to grow to resent me

I think it's pretty inevitable that you will unfortunately. Even if you continue to stand your ground and don't move in together or have kids with him you will always feel some pressure from him to do so however subtle he is. Him suggesting therapy to make you think more like him tells me he's pretty desperate.

You know that you can't give him what he wants (ordinary family life/kids/joint finances/marriage) and even if he's chosen to stay with you knowing all of that I don't think I could find it in myself to deny someone that. It's too much of a compromise.

Yes well that’s it. I worry about him too. I know the counselling suggestion sounds awful but I think he just struggles to understand why I would be happy as I am when he wants more. But I’ve done the marriage, kids, cohabiting thing, he hasn’t.
and I suppose at the start of our relationship I was very open with how my ex husband treated me and how it has affected me. So he worries that’s still hanging over me. When really I realised I’m just happy with how things are now