Wife no longer interested in intimacy

[Parker1984]

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

Fair point, and you're probably right but there was a lot more to our split than just the sex. The old saying of a woman needs a reason to have sex and a man just needs a place is so very true, so many factors were involved in my loss of libido, some were my fault some were his. But yes it was as unfair of me to remove sex from the relationship as much as it was unfair of him to sulk when it wasn't happening, we both will be better off you're right.

I suppose what any person who is in a relationship and has gone off sex has to admit is do you want to want to? If you still want to want it then a relationship can be saved I think

Let's stop the bloke bashing.

Let's turn this thread around. What would be the response if this was a female posting about her husband.

There is nothing in op posts that state, or even give a vague impression that he loves her. He's frustrated by her, and from the way he talks about her 'not having to work' etc it doesn't sound like he even respects her much.

I feel sorry for her.

You say she doesn't like kissing. It sounds to me as though she is not attracted to you any more - I think once your desire to kiss your partner goes, that's pretty much it.

It also sounds like she's happy with this situation, or happy enough to stay put. Whereas you are not. Have you asked her if she finds you sexually attractive? If she doesn't, and she doesn't want to work in this, I think you do have to end things.

On the face value it looks like you don’t have usual issues that can make a woman go off her husband. No financial pressure, there is a cleaner to help with mundane tasks like cleaning, your wife works and so you both should be quite relaxed and able to enjoy yourselves and each others company. But you’re not.

So i think it’s all about your communication and emotional connection (or lack thereof). It’s not there. There is a great deal of distance. She likes the life you both created, kids are stable but connection is not there and she just doesn’t fancy you as a result (bar the once a month putting up with sex to stop the arguments). I know op said wife is enjoying sex but i highly doubt it. To me it sounds like you are not a ‘safe space’ for her to say anything else.

From what i see from ops responses, he is not one to engage at a deeper level. Diverts and deflects and sticks to superficial things. Whilst successful and articulate, he seems to lack emotional intelligence in my eyes. Of course he might not want to explore things at a greater level of detail in online forum but then why ask a question if not willing to engage.

I have a feeling all that plays out in exactly the same way in his relationship. And therein lies the problem.

There are a few options here. To go to couples counselling and really listen to what your wife has to say, without invalidation her point of view. Make changes and admit that communication/emotional engagement has been lacking and work on it. You’re not perfect. It’s ok, there’s always room for improvement for all of us.

or

separate. But here you run the risk of ending up in a relationship which whilst initially sexually rewarding, might end up just the same. And it’s harder to build that emotional closeness with someone new when they are likely to have kids from previous relationship, commitments and little common history with you.

There are no guarrantees either option will result in you having desired frequency of sex. You can always buy sex of course but im not getting the impression that’s what you are into either.

So the choice is yours really.

@GentlemanJay personally my response would be exactly the same except I think it's slightly different - when men go off sex there is usually an easier way of identifying the 'why' - not always, but usually - be it health issues, erection issues, too much porn, sometimes age but less so than women, another woman, - and yes occasionally it can be they simply don't fancy/love their wife anymore. With women you will find many where it's none of these things at all - they just aren't interested in anything physical /sexual anymore and it wouldn't matter'who' it was - and they often still have a lot of love/care for partners- I think most men find this hard to comprehend- because there is more of an underlying sexual/physical need/urge with most men up to a certain age before it dies back somewhat - I don't think that is true with 'more' women ( not all I know but I think it's a majority beyond a certain age) and often it's once they've had children - an interesting thing is I am 63 but have2 friends in their mid to late 40s who haven't had kids - but do have partners and both are still very much sexually minded , whereas none of my friends in mid to late 40s onwards who haven't children are really that bothered at all . Its not going to be always the case of course and often it gets a boost if looking for a new partner - but I think it's the majority -

Great points.

@GentlemanJay and yep I do understand why some people ( but more men) feel as they do because it's very hard to understand if you find something pleasurable and fun why your wife/husband doesn't and it's not a priority without not taking it personally - I was honest about it - really kicked in about 54 and I came to the point and said I understood if he wanted to split but it just wasn't something I wanted anymore and it wasn't anything specific him - it was sex in general- -

A lot of the replies on this thread contain hostile speculation at the expense of the OP. This is even though he has been careful to point out that he passes the Mumsnet Housework Test and Mumsnet Generally OK Husband Test, otherwise I guess he'd be toast anyway. Others have little to say other than on rights and boundaries: the irony is that if that's all you have to bring to a relationship, you need better ones than otherwise. The common attitude behind these replies is that if the OP's wife isn't interested in sex, this must be caused by him somehow, he must either accept it, leave or try to fix it with convoluted courtship rituals that will probably fail. The point being ignored is that anyone - male or female - can get complacent about one's spouse and neglect the marriage.

My DW is going through menopause. Is our sex life ending? Not at all- it's just as regular as ever, though I can see it changing. DW knows it's how she can look after me and show love. Do I feel grateful for this? Well yes, but I also think I deserve it because I go all out to look after her.

I wonder whether the OP's DW is simply taking him and what he provides for granted. This is her problem to fix, not his, and maybe the starting point is for her to realise that this is how her DH needs to be cared for.

I'm sorry, I guess I'll be the odd one. I am 40 years old. My husband is 37.

We have a 4 year old. Granted, my kid is a lot younger but I think there is a time in a woman's life that sex is no longer on the top of her priority list. Also she is 44, she is reaching the end of her reproductive cycle, her estrogen is probably bottoming out which leads to low sex drive. Men can keep producing sperm for the rest of their life..but dude, if you've been with your wife for 20 years do you really think things will continue to be the same?

Like I'm 40 and am already experiencing perimenopausal symptoms. My husband is lucky to have sex 1-3x's a month and that's plenty for me. Its not that Im not attracted to him, I just don't want sex. I don't want it with anyone. Lol He wanted it to be like "it used to be" and I had to tell him we are in a different place in our lives and sex is not on the top of that priority list. That doesn't mean HE is not on the top of that priority list, just not sex. It took him a while to get it through his head. If he is horny and I'm not, he's got two hands and an imagination..have fun lol

Stop thinking about what's in your pants and start thinking about her.

A cleaner 8 hours a week. What is there to clean?

My advice is foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom. It’s small gestures of kindness, compliments. Could you try small, sending her a text telling her she looked beautiful or thanking her for something she did for you? Another big win for women is to just hold them or massage them WITHOUT it leading to sex. She’s at the age when hormones are depleting.

The other thing that you could do is offer to give her oral sex so you get nothing. It might get her thinking about you in a new light.

She probably doesn’t feel sexy anymore. Try snogging her maybe.

Good luck.

Also, I go through phases of feeling exhausted and not wanting to have sex much. When we do its great but. I must admit it’s often my call, and that depends on how good I’m feeling about myself. I always fancy my husband but even if Brad Pitt was offering some days I wouldn’t be arsed. The fact he never puts pressure on me is liberating (my husband not Brad).

It’s worth rebuilding intimacy slowly: hand holding, more eye contact, longer hugs before and after work, messages, love notes left in her pocket etc. It’s worth staying and working on it, you have a family which is everything!

This sounds just as transactional as the OP and is a bit of a fanny drier :/

It’s clearly a big house, as per comments about a ‘big job’ and an acre of land etc.

It works extremely well for both of us. We're very happy. While anyone else's fanny is hardly our concern, it perplexes me that people should be so ungenerous with each other.

Weird, because to me you are sounding ungenerous. All sounds like a transaction. So glad you're both thrilled tho.

I heard two female colleagues talking about their sex lives. The women were both early 50’s.
The conversation was how neither of them had sex with their husbands, they’d put a stop to all that.
Both of these women were married to men who were in their late 40’s. I remember wondering how the husbands felt.
It seemed so unfair to me.

Dh and I are lucky, we are in our 60’s and have very well matched libidos. We also have time.
Reading the comments though where pp’s talk about affection outside the bedroom, my dh has always told me how gorgeous I am and I feel cherished.
It’s important to feel you are loved and wanted in a relationship.

It's the unilateral decision that the relationship is now and forever more going to be sexless that is so damaging to a relationship.

Imagine if one partner unilaterally decided there would be no more affection or no more spending any time in the evening together or that no animal products would be consumed or even allowed in the house anymore or that all weekends would now be spent separately from each other.

If you have got to the point in a relationship where there is no discussion, no intention to seek assistance to try to keep all aspects alive and no interest or concern about how things impact the other person then there begs the question, do you even love them.

I can see it's very important to you that you characterise what I've described that way. But I refer you to the posts by chargeitup and Doloresparton which I agree with. It is, as Dolores says, about making your partner feel loved and wanted in the relationship. There are many ways of doing that: it's odd that sex gets singled out as dispensable.

Agreed; they just put it in a much better way that didnt sound so cold

Honest to God, it's this IMHO. My ex didn't understand why I didn't want to have sex and it was due to what PP's have said - flowers and romance were only provided to get something in return; after all of his behaviour I couldn't trust him which was a HUGE thing; the previous 24 hours were just me running around after him etc. I blamed my stressful job, but the truth was that I really resented him and was pissed at the fact that this care was sporadic and usually preceded sex. I fancied him, loved the sex, but the desire left me because of who he was. Thank you for framing it. ❤

@Spooky2000 yep - I felt that a day of being extra nice to me consistently all day as opposed to being the usual moody/ grumpy/moaning would almost always have the 'fancy an early night' creeping in about 8pm

Yup spot on..felt like a weekly vessel

You won't like this, but your neediness and focus on sex will be a massive turn off for your wife even if you are doing all the right things.
Sod her-leave her to her miserable sexlessness.
Take control of YOUR side of things. Take sex off the table for 6 weeks in your head for your own mental health and then do other things instead, dont tell her what, its nothing to do with her...then do other things. Running, gym, cycling reading whatever...just do something different and good for you. Don't even mention or initiate sex, completely close down on it. I guarantee you will feel better about it as it takes the frustration and uncertainty of it not happening, it will give her some space and take the pressure off, she will also wonder what the hell is going on......and at the very least it will instigate a conversation....or she will actually want to shag you.
If it's been happening for years- what harm can 6 more weeks do🤷‍♂️