Wife no longer interested in intimacy

[Parker1984]

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

If my partner suggested that I wasn't having sex often enough and that this was "not fair" I would instantly lose all desire for him. I'd work on changing that attitude to start; you're not entitled to use her body for your own pleasure, acting like you are would be a huge turn off for many women.

Your focus seems to be largely on what you want and what you need, with very little curiosity about what's going on with her, whether she's okay, and what's causing this.
Have you tried focusing on her, rather than talking about what you need and whether she's being "fair"? Maybe she's finding it hard to get turned on - this can happen from time to time (she doesn't need "an excuse" as you so delightfully framed her hormone investigations), and she might need a different approach from you to make it possible for her.

Feeling pressured isn't sexy, and neither is feeling like you don't care if she's into it - as though you getting laid often enough is all that matters.

I'm sure you don't genuinely want her to have sex when she doesn't want to, if you consider what that would mean. Couples counselling and taking an honest look at your own attitude to sex would probably be helpful.

Very odd way of looking at a lifelong commitment to eachother and your children

Married ✅
Children ✅

Ok job done, next.... fuck husband over by not giving him sex
No woman on earth looks at these things as jobs to be completed and ticked off, a marriage takes years of work and communication to get right, and as for raising children the job only starts when they're born and never really stops.

If anything it's men that look at these things this way, tasks to accomplish so to speak, a lot of men check out of the family thing by painting themselves as the breadwinner so therefore no more input needed on day to day life.

Any person should constantly assess their role in their family and ask if themselves if they're doing the best for it, but many don't (men and women) and the whole thing eventually falls down and the blame starts.

The adage of oh the woman just wants a ring, his children and his paycheck is just old shite now, sorry but it just is

@Tillybud81

You only have to read a few forums on here to know that a lot of people are bad at relationships.

They don't put the effort in, they take their partner for granted, they don't work at communication, they look to find fault at drop of a hat, they prioritise other things and most of all they don't thank their lucky stars that they have a partner who cares for them.

When it all comes crashing down under the weight of resentment, no communication and bitterness, it's never their fault.

This is the same for men as much as women. Carelessness and stupidity is not gender specific.

It never fails to amaze me.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen mumsnet posters tell a woman to leave her family and marriage because her husband didn’t want sex as much as she does!?

Weird choice of language that you see OP as a ‘victim’ because he wants more sex than his wife does.

That you see sex as something that should conform to ‘acceptable levels’ or something the woman uses to trap a man into marriage tells me everything we need to know about you. Do you even have a wife or are you living in your mummy’s basement? If you are married then god help the poor woman with attitudes like yours….

He’s disappeared because he didn’t want to actually engage in why his wife doesn’t want more frequent sex or whether he was capable of the emotional intimacy required to meet a woman’s needs over the long term. He just wanted people to agree with him that he was the victim of a grave injustice, and when that was largely not forthcoming he’s scarpered….

You don't guarantee anything.
Everyone is different and people change as they get older.
I'm 45, no kids, don't work (landlords) and very happily took sex of the table at 40.
Offered husband (significantly older, relevant) to split, divorce, offered him to shag elsewhere if interested.
Funnily enough, he didn't do any of these things and we have been married for 20 years, virtually problems free.
I'm content not to have sex ever again.

Do you tell her she is beautiful, that you love her? Do you go on dates? Do you have intimacy in other ways? Like hugs and kisses?

@ChonkyRabbit

Having read the OP's posts, yes. I'm quite sure
Then why hasn't she left?

Housekeeper, no need to work, dh in a high paying job.

Sounds like she's in it for all the wrong reasons.

@Muthaofcats there are several women in here who don't ever want sex again. Not because their dh are lacking. In fact they love their dh dearly but their libido shrivelled during perimenopause

It's not always the man's fault

Why would she leave? Run me through that, if you can.

He wants sex twice a week. She might (we don't know because we can't ask her, remember) want sex once a quarter. Maybe the once every three weeks is... drum roll.... a compromise.

But, she should turn her whole familes world upside down so somebody on the internet doesn't presume she's a lazy frigid gold digger?

@chargeitup indeed- I would be one- at 63 I'm just not interested - it's not related to H , I wouldn't be interested in it if it was a young Brad Pitt- in all honesty I've not been bothered since mid to late 40s .

Agreed, sex is the hardest subject within a relationship to talk about though, and to fix when it starts to go wrong. It's so personal and nuanced.

I left my partner because our mis matched drives meant me having sex I didn't want, he knew I didn't want, and it grew a lot of resentment in me. I'd have been happy with non or every couple of months, he started to sulk when it was around 2 weeks. It just killed me to think he was happy to do it knowing I wasn't.

He's now single and can have as much sex as he wants, he's not though, if he'd have turned his entitlement down just a tad and spoke about it we may still be together having comprised on once a month or something.

@Nothatgingerpirate
"I'm content not to have sex ever again."

But is he? Not picking on you, it just stood out. If you were interested, would he jump at the chance? If so, that implies he's living more in reluctance than contentment. Many couples live in the situation (me, for example), not because they have truly made peace with the lack of sex, but because of the history. Losing the house, family, effort, time, money... 'loss aversion'.

I'm not saying this is him, but a 'miserable' relationship (without sex) is safer than the potential of a life of loneliness, where he doesn't get sex either!

Taking sex off the table at 40, is not normal though. Why on earth wouldn't you see your GP?

Whenever anyone posts on here about mismatched libido's, the person with the high libido is always made out to be the villain. Anything they try is wrong and painted as "coercive". FFS, nobody wants to have to jump through a million hoops, whilst simultaneously getting all the planets to align, so that maybe, just maybe, their spouse will, once a month, half heartedly agree to 10 minutes of intimacy.

High libido people want their partners to actively fancy them, and want to have sex with them. They want their Partners to initiate and be spontaneous, and make them feel truly desired. They watch films, and see sex scenes, feel aroused and then glance at their Partner, who never wants these things. They feel unheard, because the low libido Partner just doesn't get it. They feel trapped, because there is no way out that doesn't cause collateral damage. Coercing the Partner into sex is wrong, having an affair is wrong, leaving and breaking up a family is wrong, so, they just soldier on, day after day, month after month, year after year, yearning for affection and sexual gratification, that they can never have, unless they throw a hand grenade into their lives. And yes, I agree with the Op, that doesn't feel very "fair".

@Seas164

Why would she leave? Run me through that, if you can.
Because according to the poster I was replying to, he's awful and she's be happier without him.

From twenty to thirty if a man lives right,
It's once in the morning and twice at night
>From thirty to forty if he still lives right
He misses in the morning AND sometimes at night
>From forty to fifty it's just now and then
>From fifty to sixty it's God knows when

His sporting days are over, his little light is out
What used to be his pride and joy is now his water spout
It used to be embarrassing, making it behave
It stood up in the morning and watched him have a shave
But now he's getting older it sure gives him the blues
To see it hanging upside-down and watch him tie his shoes.

I've never understood a guy that wants it at set times, surely it's got to be spontaneous?

Your point is valid, rejection always feels bad.

My husband isn't a villain, he's pretty decent, we both have separate assets and he was offered solutions he didn't want to take.

A GP though? What for, I'm completely alright with myself, as long as I'm not sexually touched again.
I wasn't born in 2000, but 1980, in a nasty little Communist country. Asexual people weren't talked about.
Obviously now, if I was 25, I would definitely not get married. Maybe never, who knows.

For people like OP, others and myself, being reminded about sex borders on abuse.
I'm glad about certain rules in society.

Sorry, not the OP, their wife.

And low libido people feel just as much pressure to perform, to try and show that they still ‘fancy’ (after so many years it’s love not fancy we’re not in the playground now) their partners, they too feel trapped, knowing they should do these things, but when the desire isn’t there and it feels fake, it’s very difficult to initiate. It works both ways. In the beginning it’s all fireworks and rabbits, but as the years go on, it does slow down. There could be Al sorts of reasons gong on in partners head, that the husband hasn’t actually found out yet.
Nothing worse than being pressured into sex, after many years, maybe she isn’t turned on anymore. You start to feel like an object, only getting cuddles when sex is on the table, to please him. As for focussing on pleasing your partner, when one loses patience helping said partner to become turned on, is a put off in itself.
as suggested, the OPand wife should go to counselling and learn a different methods on how they see and treat each other.

I don't think either of you have done anything wrong - it's really horrible being rejected, but it's also really horrible feeling pressured. However honestly, I think that if you seriously can't have a relationship with no sex then you should end it, because the alternative is pressuring her into sex and that's never ok.

It's really horrible and feels uncomfortable and embarrassing to be rejected. Being pressured into sex (even if you're being nice about it, you're basically saying here, 'have sex with me or I'll leave you) is 10 times worse and, depending on the levels of pressure, could actually be considered to be sexual coercion. I know that it isn't your intention to coerce or harm your wife, but going down the path of 'it's unfair that you won't have sex with me, why won't you have sex with me' inevitably leads to coercion, because the sex is pressured, not voluntarily and freely given on the part of your wife.

I'm sure that you want to have loving and consensual sex with your wife, but you won't get that kind of sex if you try to pressure her into it. I think you have 2 options here

1. Separate if you really can't hack no sex instead of pressuring her
2. Accept that you might not have a relationship with much sex, but it will be one with lots of love and physical affection in the form of hugs. Maybe sit your wife down and tell her that you love her and want to sleep with her, but only if she wants this, and that you're ok with just hugging and kissing if that's all she wants. That way when she does sleep with you, you'll know it's because she really wants to, not because she's feeling forced.

Wishing you both luck in your relationship.

I remember feeling that my libido had tailed off sometime after the birth of DD2 when we had been together about 10 years. My love and admiration for DH had not diminished. I wanted to want to but I was tired and "touched-out" by children and I just couldn't muster up the desire.
I then read that, in long-term relationships, particularly after children, it is not unusual for the nature of female desire to change. Men experience "spontaneous desire" throughout a relationship but women experience "responsive desire". The article essentially said that if I made a conscious decision to start foreplay (even if I didn't feel in the mood) I would be likely to find I did want sex. I took this advice (because I wanted to want to) and have found that, for me, it was absolutely right. My libido just runs 5 or 10 mins behind DH's. I need a bit of a run-up and then I feel as enthusiastic as I ever did.
That said, DH is really good in bed. And does not expect any kind of marathon session. Are you confident that your wife really enjoys sex with you? Could you be a better lover? Can you talk to her about the quality of your sex life, not just the frequency?

If you were a woman on here writing this the most popular response would be 'cherchez la femme' or for you 'cherchez le homme' but mostly I think this is nonsense. I'd take sex of the table for a while and go back to romancing her, trying to make her special. It may well be her sex drive has dropped off, it could come back, it may not. Its up to you whether you can cope with that. I'd also suggest she has a word with her GP as she's still quite young.

Because we are human and no one is perfect

@schtompy
That's an excellent point. We are all human and people make poor decisions.

But that seems to be forgotten (and it's obvious on this forum). Partners are rarely given the benefit of the doubt, their human frailty is not acknowledged - the default setting is "it's their fault, they are unreasonable, LTB".

Relationships are hard work. Compromise on both sides goes most of the way in dealing with issues. You give some and you take some.

I rarely see that acknowledged on here.

Not sure your counter factual sounds like a preferable situation.

Both of you being together and still being so far apart of what you each want.

I suspect being separated is better for both of you. You get the no sex you wanted. He doesn't get the constant rejection and the experience of the sex he does get being with a disinterested partner.

Sounds like you are still carrying the resentment, but you both sound better off out.