Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

So he works in a senior management role (albeit hates it) and can cope with his hobbies, but expects you to do the rest?

he may well be depressed, and depression and mental health are very selfish disabilities, even more so when the person refuses to seek help beyond medication.

so he wants a 1950’s housewife who brings in a salary whilst he swans around pleasing himself.

btw - handsome maybe a trait that some women rate in a relationship, but what you are describing is not handsome.

maybe get yourself therapy to help improve your own self esteem and go from there?

I don't think fishing and gaming are the best pastimes for a depressed person. Fishing is hours sitting on your own (in the rain). Gaming is over much dopamine hits and again sitting. Suggest he moves about more eg cleaning and gets healthy meals with veg to help him feel better and sense of accomplishment.

@CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets

OK, so you don't want to leave because at this point you feel you have 'more stones to turn'. That's fine. But you need to realize that he doesn't care if there are 'no stones left unturned'. He sees no reason to change and why should he? He has things all his way, doesn't he? So it's all up to you. You can use his depression as a reason or an excuse for his behaviour, but in the end it doesn't matter. Your marriage isn't working.

I agree with a PP, no couples counseling. At least not yet. You need to go to counseling to work through your emotions. And to learn that you don't have to live in unhappiness. That's the important thing. To accept that you can't change him and that you don't have to live in unhappiness because he won't change. Once you get your own head on straight, only then should you attempt couples counseling. To do it before you are ready mentally and emotionally only ends up with him controlling the narrative because he is 'strong' in his beliefs and you are 'weak' in yours because you are conflicted in what you should do.

Your DC won't be 'ruined' if you divorce. Yes, there's a period of adjustment but they'll be fine. Divorce is not the 'scandal and disgrace' is was in my day. And chances are your children have just as many or more schoolmates in single parent homes as in two parent homes. They won't be 'an oddity' or an object of 'pity' (again as they were in my day back when the Earth was cooling), they'll see around them many children living their lives as they live theirs.

The main thing to remember is as my old dad used to say "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". And it's true. If you want to have happy well adjusted children, then you need to be happy and well adjusted. And you aren't. I don't mean you're 'maladjusted', just that you aren't happy in the 'place' you're in as it is and I don't blame you one bit. And unless you decide to beat yourself down into an automaton, you never will be.

Remember too, that anybody is entitled to end any relationship for any reason, or no reason at all. And as I see it you have a very good reason. I'm not saying to pack your bags and skedaddle today. I'm saying don't take it off the table. And don't think that there will always be more stones to turn.

I’m not the only one who doesn’t think he’s depressed. Are you calling them all arrogant nobodies or just me? Don’t bother answering, I don’t want to hear from you.

Clearly his current medical regime isn't helping enough to make a notable difference. The first step is back to the GP to try different drugs but also seek a referral to the hospital/consultant.

Sadly if he is ND the medication is never going to help more than take the edge of things which it appears to do.

He needs to make lifestyle changes & choices. A lot of that may be him accepting himself where he is and accepting he needs to prioritise his DC needs more than he currently does.

Yes he needs down time but it's likely that the gaming is an addiction. A compromise could be that he does xyz in an evening before disappearing to game.

He needs to work with you as a team. Otherwise you are doing it all and will burn out from the resentment.

Retreating from life and into my home is mine yet he manages to do everything but family life. Family is a stressor for him and he’s trying to escape from it while not wanting to deal with the additional stress of an actual separation.

I agree with others in that it looks like you're being taken for a ride. Scenario: A bomb explodes outside your house and now your house is on fire. Does he:

a) lie in bed because he's too depressed to move / consider his own safety

b) run for the hills because his life is in danger

If it's 'b' he can pretty much get up and do things and it will help with depression to do so IMO

Ten years of this? Fucking hell. Talk about flogging a dead horse.

Having lived with and been around people who have depression for decades of my life I have come to the conclusion that an awful lot of people live with depression at some point in their lives and for most people who get depression they want to get better, they need to get better and have to function as well as having depression

Then there are those who find having depression is a weapon to control their surroundings and the people in it who don’t actually want to get better (or they have) as then they would lose their power

Look at the posts on here where someone has threatened divorce if there spouse/partner doesn’t show they want to get better, usually after years of them using their depression as an excuse to check out of responsibilities
Then see how they suddenly start to work towards recovery when they realise they have lost their power

If he is genuinely depressed then he owes it to himself and his family to sort it. Many people overcome or at least manage symptoms very successfully. Psychologist can listen and provide many active solutions and explanations for behaviour and feelings.
A psychiatrist is a doctor fully trained in illnesses of the brain and can prescribe meds.
If he is in senior retail and you’re working too… then this cost is worth it if it improves his MH. He may need actual antidepressants as he may have a chemical imbalance.
This should go along with many other behaviours which helps depression such as eating well, good sleep patterns, reduced screen time, outside time. I imagine his gaming is a bit of a sense of escapism from a job and home he’s not happy with.

At the same time - you need to evaluate your own state of mind. Assuming, as you say, you don’t want to leave - then you have to put in place boundaries and behaviours that improve things for you too.

He sounds like he’s contributing money, and dropping kids off. I find the whole splitting arguing about job division tricky on MN as I’m a complete lone parent with no family nearby so I just get my DC to help me load the car and go to tip myself if it had to be done right now. I work full time and sometimes on a Sunday I would not want to go to tip but would leave it. Luckily it’s my decision and no one else’s.
I appreciate that your partner should help though - as you aren’t at the stage of leaving him then you need to assign responsibilities fairly between eachother when you’re both not angry.

Challenge him - ask him if he still wishes to be married. Bloody call him out on it! Did he take the kids to the dump? Kids would love some time with him surely?

This has been me in the past. However I decided (after 4 mths of this) that I couldn’t go on like this. I could just see my miserable depressed self still in the same position (was off work sick and had totally checked out of family life - managed to do the school run but not much else).

I’ve been on and off like this for nearly 30 years and tbh I’d had counselling, meds etc without success.

i knew that I was being really unfair on my family, but it took a massive effort on my part to talk to my gp again and engage with mental health support (NHS Talking Therapies). My dh was really supportive and went to the group sessions with me. I then went on to more therapy, changed my meds and I’ve been fairly balanced now for approx 10 years.

he is the only one who can change his situation, but it is hard to make the decision and then to follow it through. Nothing will change otherwise.its a choice for him and for you.

I didn't say that crying was manipulative. I said that crying in earshot of a child was manipulative. Which it is.

Your reading comprehension skills are terrible.

@CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets im not sure your DH has depression.

My ExH would behave like this. Depressed when it was family time, but could manage a wide array of hobbies.

for years after separation, I just assumed he was an arsehole.

but in retrospect, it’s clear he is autistic.

Your DH may genuinely need the time alone to recharge.

but that doesn’t make his behaviour reasonable.

there was a thread on here recently about a NT wife who’d had enough of her ND husband.

lots of insightful posts about the dynamics of that type of relationship.

Read up on the difficulties of NT/ND marriages- for me, it was eye opening and really described the trajectory of my marriage.

it makes for difficult reading though. If you want things to change then your DH needs to understand himself better.

I think you’ll get to a point when enough is enough. I have an ex who wouldn’t take adult responsibility for pretty much anything and it got to a point where I couldn’t be in the relationship anymore. He still blames me for everything that goes wrong, I also suspect undiagnosed ND but I don’t think he would be interested in finding out. It’s a heavy weight to carry and he won’t change :-(

In the average semi most things are in earshot of everything else. If he's not OK to cry in his bedroom where should he go - the west wing?

I honestly would not come on here seek advice from people who do not know you personally because I have found so many that just advise everyone "just get out of the relationship, leave" and sadly things arent as straight forward as that and at the end of the day its you who will have to deal with whatever will come after that.

I think you need to get medical advice on behalf of your husband. Its not just affecting him it is also clearly affecting you as well.

You have come on here telling everyone how you can not deal with all this but just imagine what if one day soon you wake up and not find him in the house and god forbid out of depression he has done something awful to himself? (I have known someone who people would say allsorts about regarding his attitude etc. And in the end he committed suicide by hanging himself).

When it comes to mental health you really need to be the one to step up and try and find whats going on as he is struggling.

I wish you the best of luck and a good outcome OP 💐

This sounds very much like my life a few years ago. Mine was also an angry depressive. I'm glad that you don't have that side of things.
I reached my limit and left and it was the best thing I've ever done. You can look back at my past threads as I got some excellent advice on mumsnet which spurred me on actually.
3 years later he's still depressed. He's still angry. He's still gaming at all hours , Not taking responsibility for his health, and claiming to do everything!! The kids are with me 6 days a week and that's the best way to be as his too unreliable and moods are too up and down. We still see a lot of him and probably I'm still his carer because there's nobody else doing it. I'd love to drop this!
Have a think about your situation through the lens of being a carer.
Does he treat you and your children with respect? Does he provide you with any emotional support? That's a really big part of a marriage and for me it was entirely one way

Difficult to leave. Obviously huge decision but are you happy?
Could you be happier?

I'm astonished at the number of people on this thread who, like you, suffer from depression, but refuse to believe that it affects different people in different ways, and that different things help different people.

My late husband had a breakdown from which he never recovered. It was agonising for him and terrifying for me. He did have counselling, and I was asked to go along for a couple of sessions. His counsellor actively suggested calming activities like fishing or art. Something that he could focus on but not feel pressured.
My husband chose something different, but it really did help. I was still working, but it meant that he had a positive but calming activity that got him through the days.

Fortunately for me, my husband depression didn't make him angry or retreat from us on the way OP's has, so I feel for her because this is no way to live.

But for goodness sake, when you have depression yourself, at least try to recognise that you and your fellow depressives are not all the same.

I'm sorry to pick on you in particular as lots of posters have said the same. Your post, particularly the last couple of lives, was just the one that tipped me over the edge

What does “down tools” mean? Edit - I googled it and got my answer.

If she wakes up and finds he has hanged himself, that is his choice. Not hers and in no way caused by her decision to end the relationship. Just making that very clear to the OP and anyone else reading.

He may well be depressed but he is weaponising it. Suicide threats are a common part of weaponisation which the OP's husband isn't yet using. Luckily he enjoys plenty of gaming and fishing to keep him in this world.

I think I agree with most of the points in this.
Particularly about the therapy. Go yourself so you can do some RL talking and clarify what you want.
I do understand the urge to hold things together for the children... but it does sound as if he checked out long ago.
Meanwhile, you've already had a decade of this behaviour. In another decade your children will be 21 and 18, ready to fly the nest... where will you be? Even more worn down by this awful behaviour and yes, it is awful, whether he's depressed or has other problems, its awful to live with and he wont do anything about it or even discuss it. He has no inclination to change, no matter how unhappy he's making your family.
And where will you be? 10 years older, trying to start afresh? I do believe that if the plan is to wait till the kids are grown up to spare them the separation, that it doesnt help them that much in the long run.

He claims to hold the household chores together, but he won't even consent to a rota (because that would show up how little he does do) He's dissatisfied with every area of his life. It feels like he blames family life and responsibilities for this... Maybe a trial separation would be a wake up call for him to realise that the grass isn't always greener. Because without a wake up call, its not clear how he would motivate himself to try to improve things, attend counselling etc.

Issues like being asked to take something to the dump, and then saying he will basically go on strike and do no jobs at all, see how you like that etc... That indicates that he sees anything he does about the house as a massive favour to you, but you are both parents, both working, both living in the house... why should the lion's share fall to you. I understand the fishing (just about) but the stupid hours of gaming - when he has kids? They are both quite solitary ways of spending his time. I'm not anti gaming per se, but the sight on one adult spending hours gaming which like or not entails ignoring the rest of the family for hours, whilst the other does all the work, is a really poor example for him to set.

I'm sure he has his good points, which you've mentioned and that is a hopeful sign. That does indicate he could be a good co-parent BTW.. and would have to step up more ( which is why perhaps a trial separation might work, if he has to face or experience the reality of this without the door being completely shut) Do either of you have any (supportive) family/friends support?
That's why I think maybe the first step is for you to see someone to work out how to get him to the table and then attempt that to see if he has the capacity to either get help or try to work this out.. Then you will have your answer about whether you should hang on for the kids or made your decision on what to do now. You do have to think about your own mental health too.

My Dad has had lifelong mental health problems and my Mum described similar behavior- he was able to do things he absolutely had to do or wanted to do, but somehow couldn’t do boring stuff like household chores.

She realized after a while that this wasn’t part of his illness, it was because he didn’t want do them! Most of us don’t relish the idea of taking stuff to the dump or cleaning the bathroom, but it’s part of life. I agree with PP’s that you might benefit from some counseling on how to assert yourself and deal with this behavior.

[previous poster] "Some of these men who say they have depression, use it as an excuse to disengage from family life. His depression doesn't seem to prevent him from doing what he wants."

This was me, I'm ashamed to say, about 40 years ago. I probably WAS depressed, I was certainly having a difficult time, but I totally checked out of family life, implying that my depression was the reason.

I suspect the OP's husband is doing the same thing.

@CanadianJohn Yes, my Dad was definitely ill and during the worst times, he couldn’t do anything. It was when he was recovering that it became clear that he was choosing not to do the boring stuff!