Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

Yes, it will be interesting to see if his depression prevents him from doing household tasks then, because if he doesn't do them they won't get done. Then where are his clean clothes/stocked fridge/tidy living space etc

I’m glad he is going to get more help for his MH.

In the short-term, I think that you need time away from him. Can you go somewhere for a week and get a change of scene? Your home life sounds suffocating.

I remember my mum crying after arguing with my dad like it was yesterday. It’s an awful memory.

I’m not saying he is doing it to be manipulative but he seriously needs to get some help if he can’t control it (and it sounds like you could also do with some help if you think that is any way normal behaviour from a parent).

Thank you for the update @CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets . I'm glad you've been able to talk, and I hope the Samaritans will help this evening, and the crisis team going forward.

Your husband has had little understanding here. At this point, things are awful for both of you, and after my experience with my late DH I can empathise with each of you.

Take care of yourself, check in with your kids, and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you all.

So you realise he is depressed, well done. You have no idea whether he wants to seperate from op or not. It’s so strange when people are so confident in their opinion which isn’t based in any kind of fact whatsoever.

I read your comment perfectly well. Again, crying in your own bed- your own private space- is not manipulative. I don’t even think crying in front of a child is, when you’re depressed.

Ok. You do you. You don’t seem to want to hear it, so I’m not sure of the reason for the post.

If I felt like shit and my DH took my youngest out, I sure as heck wouldn’t go to bed and cry loud enough for my eldest to hear. How sad that you think it’s fine…

This is a bit sickening really. As someone who has suffered severe bouts of depression any interest or enjoyment from hobbies and just about anything really just goes. All you're concerned about is getting through the day in the best way you can. That means putting your children and family first, sticking on a brave face for the kids no matter how low you feel. The only thing you want is to get better and having to care for others like children and pets is probably the thing that is going to save you and pull you through. I literally can't see how he's got all the interest for his hobbies but nothing for his family, I'm sorry

Very glad your so perfect.

Personally I think it's OK for children to see that their parents are human.

I also see no harm in them seeing and learning about mental health and it's potential difficulties. I have discussed it with them many times over the years in child appropriate ways.

I think considering what we both grew up with, we are doing a great job at parenting our boys who are kind, polite and empathetic.

They also know they can talk about how they are feeling in this house without judgement.

I am a child of verbally, emotionally abusive, alcoholic parents who had a toxic marriage filled with hate.

How I felt was laughed at and ridiculed. We don't do that in my house.

Depression often involves becoming overwhelmed with even simple tasks and the hobbies are escapes. Very difficult to live with of course.

Has he sought help? It's there and different options to try. Unfortunately many men won't admit and seek it, just IME, but it can be life changing.

When women/mothers get depressed we don't have the luxury of opting out of family life. Can you imagine? He's taking liberties.

Maybe do as he does for a few days. Start gaming in the evenings and leave him with the children one weekend both days to go and have a walk around the shops for 8 hours. Blame it on your depression.

That's good news CaptainCabinets that he's acknowledging the extent of the problem and accessing help. If Bupa doesn't work out, there ARE good mental health services within the NHS, including psychology, but you may need to push a bit with your GP. Make sure you get support for yourself too. Many good MH professionals would want to involve you too as they would see your relationship as important for recovery and will want to get you onside in supporting him managing his behaviour, which includes you being firm with your boundaries. I hope your DH can begin to see this as the start of a road to recovery that is possible, but will take a lot of work.

I know he doesn’t want to spend any time with the family 🤷‍♀️

Good luck OP.
Nothing but support for you from me
It's so very hard being the partner of someone in a depressive crisis

@Koimand As parents, we do need to try and minimize emotional stress for our children though, don’t we?
A parent crying is frightening for a child, because we’re their guardians and rocks. The idea that we’re crumbling is terrifying for a child.

I'm living this at the moment. I must admit he works long hours, but this is completely by choice, not because we need the money. I work too, but apparently it doesn't count because I don't work excessive hours like he does. He doesn't know how to parent, barely tries, waits for me to make food or literally won't eat for the whole day, has diagnosed but treated depression. He cannot hold a conversation at all, he has gotten so dull, never wants to do anything unless it's the only thing that excites him which is spending a stupid amount of money shopping for clothes, watches, trainers etc. I'm not interested in this and have started living a separate life. If he wants to stay at home like part of the furniture just contributing financially and living the way he does then he can carry on, but I'm going out and living my life with our daughter with our without him. You just do you and the kids from now on

I dunno. Only you can decide whether to stay or go and MN is full of 'dump the bastard and leave' - to what? Evidently, not many are taking a look outside. That said, it's your life and MH and he's taking the piss, really. You can't spend the rest of your life like this - or can you? I'm beginning to think that for a marriage to last 30 years+, it goes through phases like changing a job would. Changing roles, less/more responsibility for a bit, deciding for a change of industry etc. When I reflect on older couples I know, it was rainbows, hearts and flowers to start, then the children years, then a few years of meh and doing stuff separately, before kind of coming together again in more mature years. I think of it as ebb and flow. 🤔

I suppose some of the options are stay and live separate lives and hope/work towards coming together again; quit the marriage; get couples counselling, get individual counselling instead etc. Personally, I've found taking the time out to get individual counselling in the past helps me decide what I want to do (if anything), or how to handle someone/something.

I don’t want to spend time with anyone when I’m very depressed. It doesn’t mean I want to leave my family.

I think showing emotion is healthy, personally.

Has he considered medication? Or a medication review if he’s already on medication?

sertraline can be a game changer

I don’t think he’s depressed (along with a lot of other posters). If he is, it appears to be situational because he’s functioning in every other area of his life.

And now we get to the root: both OP and her DH have a traumatic childhood to repair and OP is reparenting her husband while he is collapsing under the strain of his untreated trauma.

OP you sound like a marvelous, caring, spouse snd mother. However this can all be true and your children can still suffer from their father’s collapsed/crying state and his dependency on you to manage for him. You can be 100 times better than your own childhood models but still be putting your children in an uncomfortable caretaker role.

@Koimand A parent crying due to their mental health issues IS frightening though.

I’m diagnosed with GAD, my teenagers know this, but they’ve never witnessed me crying or having a panic attack. Now they’re older (19 and 16), they’d probably cope with it, but not as younger children. That’s just my opinion anyway. 🤷

I feel that my job as a parent is to let them offload to me, not vice versa. I get all their crying and stress. DD even phones me from uni to have a good meltdown. 😂

I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but I’m sick of people claiming mental health problems when they’re just lazy…