Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this.

If this were me, I would focus on myself. You actually cannot change him. You can focus on yourself and what you want. This could look like focusing your hobbies, your friendships, your family and your own little pleasures.

Take him out the picture for now. You could benefit from your own counselling. Think about what you want from life. Take your time.

To me the feasible options are

1. stay together and cultivate a separate existence. Don’t expect much from him. See how things pan out.
2. Separate now.
3. Plan to separate in a few years when the kids are more grown up. Make a plan for how this would work.

It will take time to work this all out in your mind. Could you get away for a few days or a week to fully rest?

Sorry but what??

You went out and he took crying to bed leaving your 11 year old doing what exactly? Do you not think this environment and dynamic is more damaging for your children than just admitting it’s not working?

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

So you’ve both spent 10 years utterly miserable?

What’s the point?

How many more years is this going to continue?

I am not doubting he has depression but if the relationship isn’t working then that is not going to help his MH.

2 people can be great on paper but sometimes they’re just not compatible.

If out of the past 12 years you’ve both been more miserable than happy, then it obviously doesn’t work.

Sorry don’t mean to be harsh. But I have struggled with depression and some other stuff. I don’t have a choice but to get on with things and care for my kids, because I’m not a dad who gets to opt out. I took a course of CBT and yes it’s weird to talk but you do it, to help your family. This post has made me so angry on your behalf OP!

@Peaceandquietandacuppa Yes, it’s appalling parenting and damaging to their child. The Dad, I mean, not the OP.

C) he gets me and the children to safety and walks back into the fire.

No, because who would stay for 10 whole years of misery?

Of course we haven't spent all 10 years miserable! What an assumption to make.

@CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets But crying in bed when your 11-year-old can hear isn’t keeping them safe, it’s emotionally damaging and frightening for them.
He’s not behaving well, OP.

Occupying himself. He's 11 not 1 🙄

I do not feel that occasionally crying in your own bed and your child hearing it is manipulative.

@CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets Children need to feel that they can rely on their parents though, we’re their emotional rocks.

Of course we can have a quiet cry if we need to, but they shouldn’t be aware of it. It’s different when they’re older, I think that DD (19) could handle it now, but not at 11.

I utterly disagree.

For an 11 year old a parent is someone to rely on, who will keep them safe no matter what. Hearing Dad cry gives the opposite message.

I bet that your child will remember that incident for the rest of their life.

After 12 years together, hes not going to change. You need to make some decisions. Do you want to stay/go? You deserve to be happy

He won’t change, so if you don’t intend leaving him, then your only option is to continue for another 10 years, then come on here again to rant. There’s nothing else we can advise you to do, apart from leave him, which you don’t seem prepared to do. If you leave, or ask him to leave, it could actually make him realise how little he does do, and how he’s taken you for granted. And maybe you could get back together at some point if he’s determined to change. But as it stands he has no reason to change, because you’re just putting up with it all.

So this is him taking his prescription meds, holding down a full time job and pursuing hobbies. This is, in fact ... good.

It could get very much worse.

In about ten years your children will be off living their own lives. That leaves you both staring at each other for what, twenty, thirty, forty plus years?

@CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets you and your kids are living this. He can do something about it FOR HIS FAMILY, but he’s too selfish to do that. You can see this now.

i think you should ask him to step up more or consider separation.

I agree. And the first chance they can take to get the fuck away, they will.

and @CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets you’ll be stuck alone with him

Why have you stayed this long.

I'm so conflicted, while I know MH issues are an illness, they need to be dealt with and medication can help. But after 10 years of him not really helping himself I think I would be done. Your children are growing up in a potential toxic and damaging environment. I say this as I was brought up in a similar environment.

OP you/he can speak to your GP about a referral to NHS talking therapies/mental health services. MH orofesionals work in multi- disciplinary teams so can often decide/refer between themselves, to make sure he is seeing the most appropriate professional, whether that is a psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, counsellor or CBT therapist. There may be a waiting list but, unless this is lengthy, don't feel that the only option is to pay for private care.

Re. your idea about couples counselling - that could be helpful but it would be important to have someone experienced with ND clients and well trained and sufficiently skilled to avoid getting drawn into unhelpful dynamics. I'd therefore avoid volunteer counsellors and look at accreditation. You're unlikely to be able to get someone highly skilled without paying though.

For any of the above, your DH would need some level of motivation. I suspect you may have to be very clear that something has to change. The positive of suggesting couples counselling though is that you are showing that you value your relationship and him and that you want to work on solutions but expect him to work at them too.

Oh gosh!

Stop making excuses and defending him.

In a few days time when emotions are not running high. Reread this whole thread, take time to reflect and make a decision in which you can move on positively.

I can’t imagine he is ever going to change. He is not going to engage with services. Is this really the life you want for your children? Is he a fabulous male role model?

I sincerely wish you all the best.

It's not up to you to try everything you can, it's up to him.

But he doesn't fancy pursuing a ND diagnosis, and he tried a therapy and gave up after 3 sessions.

Instead he tootles off fishing for the entire day, becomes angry if you ask him to do anything, and is pretty much checked out of family for much of the time.

You can't do anything, only he can try to fix things here. And he won't do anything if his actions (or non actions) don't have severe consequences.

I agree. If his "hobbies" are supposed to help his mental health/depression, he needs to go back to the drawing board because those are not working.

Both hobbies are isolating type hobbies unless he goes fishing with friends. Online gaming "friends" are not, in fact, friends, 95% of the time. Isolation, as far as I know, is not a great treatment plan for depression.

@CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets --it seems he is kind when you don't expect anything of him, and he is free to do whatever he wants. Does he even want to get better at this point, when he gets his way being like he is?
Is it him you love or what you two envisioned life was going to be, that you love? Because, it seems he has changed his vision.

Thank you to those who have given supportive answers.

Including those who haven't necessarily agreed with me but supportively.

It seems a lot of people think the whole of mumsnet is AIBU these days. It's a real shame people like to kick others when they're down. I hope it's made you feel good.

Update for those who are interested, we've had a heart to heart and I have been clear that none of this is actually about household jobs and he has admitted to me that he is so low he sees no way for it to get better aside from him no longer being here.

We are accessing crisis services and he is currently on the phone to the samaritans. We are also going to try and take advantage of his workplace bupa package to try to get him in with a psychologist rather than trying again with our regular GP but at the moment we aren't sure if that will be covered.

I haven't RTFT but honestly, this.

A friend of mine tolerated her husband's depression for about 20 years. Put up with the shit, did loads with the DC on her own. Her husband didn't treat her well; for example, he would entirely opt out of making decisions but blame her if he didn't like the ones she'd made when he was disengaged. He initiated the separation and was really horrible to her.

Because he never respected her, their now adult DC don't seem to - she was always been the one who ran about making sure everyone else was happy, and no one seems to give a shit about making sure SHE is happy. She seems to have lost any real sense of her own identity and avoids making decisions or doing anything that might result in a risk of rejection. I know I need to go and see her, but she has been incredibly draining for the past few years - I think she herself is now depressed.

OP, don't let your life get to that stage. Please.

Relationships aren't my forte, but I've had many several years experience as a counselling client for depression, anxiety and interpersonal relationships. So I'm sorry I don't have much advice to give on the rest of your situation, but on this topic at least I have a suggestion.

As you've said you suspect he may be neurodiverse, it's important to access the right kind of counselling. Do you know what "method" of counselling/therapy it is that he tried and found unhelpful? Because regular CBT is the most common style of counselling and it is notoriously ineffective for a lot of ND people, often turning people against the idea of therapy as a whole. ND people, and especially autistic people, can find CBT condescending and unhelpful, like someone is telling you what you already know without helping to find a solution. CBT is often focused on "rewiring" negative thoughts, which isn't always possible with an inherently neurodiverse mind; there are other therapies which focus on working with your mind rather than against it.

Personally, the most popular technique amongst my ND friend group is DBT, though my counsellor uses a combination of techniques and I've worked well with them for years now. It's definitely worth considering the methodology when looking up local counsellors, as there may be a type of therapy he really clicks with in a way he didn't before.