Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

No he's definitely fishing. I get lots of really uninteresting pictures of identical looking fish.

And he doesn't take drugs (other than the sertraline prescribed)

Clearly you’ve no understanding of mental heath issues! Anyone being treated for mental health issues are encouraged to continue with a hobby!

How about writing a list of things that need to get done this week and who's responsibility it is to do them.
Include some time together in that list and some family time.
Your time together could be simply having a drink and a chat in the evening or starting a series to watch together.

Just so it’s here: you’re allowed to leave someone you love. You can love them before, during and after, and not be married to them. These things can coexist.

You also wouldn’t be responsible for “breaking up the family” if you’re the one who does the leaving. That narrative would be a lie, and helpful only to the one person who is not taking responsibility for their actions, because it presupposes that the alternative is that you live your life like this while your DH kills the relationship and your family life.

Good luck.

Also do you ever go fishing as a family or is it always something he does alone or with friends?

This would just cause another row.

I have suggested this as a solution previously and he does not want to live his life by a rota. Apparently.

He has no suggestions on how to do things differently when I ask.

Its all very complicated and I think he would benefit hugely from therapy but he just won't engage with it. He see's it as having nothing to talk about. Then I list the things he buries and allows to rot and he will say "maybe I will look into it then" but nothing happens.

Sounds autistic. I’m not diagnosing him, just spotted some traits in your description. Depression might be due to the accumulation over his life time of not feeling able to meet life’s expectations. Fishing is much easier and more predictable than family life.
Your life doesn’t sound sustainable as it is and in your shoes, I would consider if I could manage many more years living like this.

So true. My experience of depression was slightly different because it was mixed with anxiety (I believe it’s known as agitated depression). In my case, I couldn’t bear to be alone, couldn’t sleep…uggh. But in general loss of interest is the defining characteristic of depression. I once heard a sufferer say “imagine one morning you wake up and look at the thing that means most to you in the whole world - maybe it’s an old car you’ve lovingly restored, or a painting you saved up to buy. Anyway, one morning you wake up and look at it and it means nothing to you. That’s depression. It’s a void, a nothingness an absence.” You certainly don’t go fishing and play video games.

Maybe what he needs is a different sort of therapy, where there's less sitting and listening and more working on strategies to move forward. I don't know much about therapy or the different types but maybe CBT would be more focussed and better for him?

I have had mental health problems and a breakdown.There is a difference between being encouraged to continue with a hobby and spending every spare moment avoiding real life.

Depression is a very difficult thing to live with (for a partner of someone who has depression).
Depression is selfish
It's inward looking
It's makes someone very self-absorbed and they become only concerned with themselves and what needs to be done to help them with their happiness
My DH was very depressed ( he's sadly passed away now) and it was SO hard to live with for all of the reasons you've said OP.
He saw no reason to do household chores, but did them under sufferance when asked.
He had no motivation to do anything other than stuff for his own wellbeing

You can't get in someone's head and change what they're thinking ... they have to want to turn it around themselves.

It was cyclical for my DH (winter was the worst time) and when he was really down it dragged down the whole household. I never want to live with a depressed person again

Tbh OP I get you. My husband is similar. Sounds like he does a bit more than yours but if he ever doesn’t fancy doing something he whacks out the old depression and then goes and does his hobby leaving it all to me

You deserve a good life, OP. Your children do, too. I'm sure you are doing everything you can, beyond what is expected of you, and you are at the end of your tether.

Your DH being depressed is probaby in his eyes a valid reason for his lack of involvement/investment in your marriage and family life, but it isn't an excuse to check out of all the things he can't be bothered to do etc.

Your mental health matters too. You're a team, you have to pull together when times get tough - as you have been doing for so long. Now it's his turn. He won't change unless you are stepping back, doing less stepping up, and making him be proactive in making his marriage and health better.

Obviously your children deserve the best home and parents they can get, but it is unfair for all of this to fall on your shoulders because he has days when his depression means he conveniently can't step up and help out, even in a small way.

He needs to put his family and wife first and get more help, so if that means therapy or different treatment, so be it. It isn't fair to keep going on like this for years.

There's a bit to unpick here IMO and some ableism going on in the replies. Colour me shocked.

Clearly there are issues in your husband's approach to family life and marriage (and just being an adult in general) that go beyond depression and possible ND. He is opting out of his responsibilities, which by default means that he is forcing them onto you because as you say, the children need and deserve a clean home, meals on the table and washed clothes. He knows that you will do all this so he can opt out, confident in the knowledge that you'll pick up all his slack. I'm going to take a wild guess that you don't have the opportunity on a regular basis to go fishing (or whatever hobby you have) for 8-9 hours without a care in the world.

However, the fact that he goes fishing or plays on his computer games is not proof that he's not depressed, as per far too many PPs. It's escapism. A great deal of depressed people are capable of, and seek out, escapism. It's a very selfish path to choose when you've got a burnt out wife at home pulling your share of the weight, but it's not proof that he's not depressed and it shouldn't be wielded against depressed people in general just because this particular bloke (and others like him) are behaving badly.

He is very manipulative and the threatening to "down tools" amounts to nothing more than "if you try and make me do 50% of the work, I'll stop doing the 10% I do now". That's despicable really. You can have sympathy for his depression without allowing him to treat you like a work horse. He needs a dose of reality. And unfortunately with the misery he's heaping on you, he doesn't have the luxury of pretending he's not ND if that is the case. He owes it to you to investigate that possibility and seek treatment and/or management.

It sounds to me like he needs firstly that big dose of straight talking reality, and then some structure. He won't like to be patronised I'm sure but it sounds like you literally need a household rota where the labour is split evenly and everything happens at a particular time. This could genuinely help him to function if you think he lacks executive functioning skills, but also it puts a stop to this "I do loads!" when he actually does fuck all. It will be there in black and white.

If he refuses to engage or accept responsibility and discuss moving forward, you've got a serious decision to make. Ultimately you can't force someone to behave properly.

Absolutely this too.

I'm married to a man that suffers badly with depression and I recognise everything you are saying. The NHS is absolutely shit with this level of mental health and I would highly recommend paying to see a psychiatrist privately if you can. Made a lot of difference to my husband as he was given suitable drugs and directed to the right kind of therapist after having tried others in the past who didn't help.

Cost us a fair amount of money and although he still suffers and life is really fucking hard for him there had been a big change in his behaviours that make life a lot easier for me and our relationship better. For example, I am rarely on the receiving end of depression based anger, there isn't a dark cloud in our house that I can feel, and he is able to engage with me and my needs. I still have to tell him what housework needs doing but he will get straight on and do it, so I'll take that even though loads of people on MN will think that is unacceptable.

I hope you find the right help as it is so hard at times.

He isn't going to change so, if you aren't splitting up, you'll have to like it or lump it.

You call me nasty and then agree with me. 😂

He’s not depressed, he’s just doesn’t want to do family life.

I am sad to say I don’t think it really matters that he “is depressed”. The marriage can’t continue on this basis. He is so overwhelmed and unwilling to try to fix things that he acts like he can barely function—its an imposition on him to function as a husband, roommate, and active father.

Longterm depression is a thing. But are you supposed to be his nurturing, maternal, carer for the rest of your life? What about your needs? Your dreams? Your Joy?

I doubt couples therapy is a good idea: he is in no fit state to do anything but play the victim. In his mind you are fine and healthy so you have no right to complain. Your requests—even for companionship or mere chores—are a cruel burden. Your therapist will see you blamed and will be pushed by your dh to join the drama triangle—this can happen in therapy as well as in your family—where your dh is the victim, you are the persecutor, and the therapist (or the children who witness daddy’s collapse) are cast as the rescuer.

You aren’t ready for this but I strongly recommend you prepare yourself for separation. He is not motivated to get better so he won’t. If he were able to be aware of the harm he does to you and the children he would drag himself to therapy and do more than take sertraline. But he isn’t motivated. Slowly you have shrunk your world and your demands until they are almost nothing—but when you ask for nothing you get nothing.

I have suggested this as a solution previously and he does not want to live his life by a rota. Apparently. He has no suggestions on how to do things differently when I ask

Again, this is EXACTLY like my autistic Ex. It was impossible. There no solution that I could come up with that he would not instantly rebut. Yet he had no solutions of his own.

You are just stuck in this perpetual, terrible ground hog day.

How old are your children? Things started going seriously wrong for us after having children. He was just unable to manage the demands on him. I have spoken to other partners of autistic husbands who have said the same.

He could manage fine in very low demand relationships. But not at all in ones that placed demands on him.

Have you tried doing things together, like the dump run. Fortunately our local dump has a Costa nearby so we load the car together and then go and unload and then share an enormous coffee and one cake between us! Makes it more of a fun thing than a chore.
Life can be hard and life with depression is very hard, as it's sharing life with someone chronically depressed. Does he ever take the kids fishing. He may enjoy teaching them and spending some time with them. That might also give you a break.

10 years have been lost to a man in a miserable, self pitying, daze. Wake up before its 20.

I think you need to be honest with yourself have you spent more time being unhappy in your relationship than you've spent happy?

The positive qualities you have listed are: his sense of humor, he is handsome, he can be very kind, he loves our two boys and they adore him, we like a lot of the same things, we had or hope we still have a vision of the same future.

Does he make you feel safe? Can you rely on him? Is he an equal partner? Does he treat you well? Is there a fair distribution of workload?

You say he's out fishing or gaming does he work or do you have to be the main breadwiner and the main carer for the children and the one responsible for all the organisation and chores?

I'm a strong believer that two things can be true at the same time, he might not be able to help his behaviour and also you don't have to stay and tolerate this. You only get one life.

You're defending him a lot in the posts which is normal because you're family and you will feel protective of him. We are just seeing a snapshot. I think you need to explore is this snapshot a tiny portion of your life and everything else outweighs this or is this the majority of the time.

It's so easy to say leave on a forum because you can see things more more clearly when it's not your life and you don't have all the history and emotional attachment to the relationship and shared history and at the same time I wonder if you're testing the waters here because you're starting to think this isnt the life you want and would others tolerate this?