Mum won't keep pregnancy a secret

[Brooomhilda]

I've specifically asked my mum to keep my pregnancy a secret. My last birth was really traumatic and difficult and as soon as the baby was born there was a lots of pressure to have everyone come visit. It made things a lot worse.

This time around I want to just have the baby without anyone knowing and once I'm in a good place I'll tell people and let them visit. This is what I want. This is what I'm most comfortable with.

The only person I see regularly is my mum. So I told her, as it was becoming obvious. I don't see other family that much apart from over FaceTime.

Whether people know I'm pregnant or not does not affect the baby's health or their health (or them in literally any way). It does not affect the birth outcomes. It affects nothing except how I feel. So I've set this boundary for myself and I thought my mum would respect it. I totally get people will be shocked and I'm happy to explain it to them afterwards why I had a wish for privacy.

My mum told my husband that she's going to tell her family when she goes to visit next month. She says she doesn't care, she wants to tell them.

I feel hurt. It seems telling her siblings (who I never see but will certainly suddenly want to visit once the baby is born) is more important than my wishes.

I'm just ranting and I've no doubt I'll be told I'm being unreasonable, that my pregnancy should be public knowledge, even to people I don't know very well and that I don't really have the right to expect people to respect my boundaries. But I'm sad and frustrated.

Well she’s making this all about herself isn’t she?

You are not unreasonable, you have your own reasons for your wish to keep things quiet this time. it’s a shame she cannot support her daughter or take delight in holding your secret.

But they do say, everyone tells someone when they know a secret, and it seems you cannot trust your mum.

Sounds like she will do it anyway, so try to ignore it and focus on your own health . Wishing you a safe and happy pregnancy & birth.💐

She should be respecting your wishes.

To say she " doesn't care" and will tell family members despite you not wanting her too is absolutely disgusting.

I think I would be very reticent about sharing anything personal with her and distance myself from her as much as is possible.

It's very hard to keep a pregnancy a secret.

There are obvious physical signs and if people see you in person they will know.

That having been said I would respect your wishes.

Your mum may feel trapped between two people/groups of people - she will no doubt get it in the neck once the rest of the family realise you told her but not anyone else.

She has shown her true self in the fact she doesn't care and is going to tell family anyway.

You cant change the past but can the future. I'd be very careful about what information you share going forward. If she asked why you don't share anything anymore, just remind her of this event.

My mother does this. I tell her absolutely nothing now until it’s over. She didn’t know I’d given birth/had major surgery/split with my exH etc. until I was ready for everyone to know. She’s lost that private privilege for making my life events all about her.

I would threaten not to tell her when baby was born and not to invite her. I would follow up on my promise by the way. I wouldn’t use this threat for all occasions but for this I would. Do you depend on her in some way re pregnancy and birth?

Also how can they visit if you don’t want to ? The concept of it is lost on me.

It would be really odd for her to go visit family, them ask about her life in general, and for her to then not disclose that she's having another grandchild soon. Especially now you are at the showing stages.

However any decent mum would listen to why you want it kept a secret and actively call out the family - "Jenny's having another baby, how exciting. She's specifically said no visitors for the first 6 weeks as she felt like she had a revolving door on her house last time, so I'll let you know when baby is here and she's settled and up for visitors" and act as your gatekeeper on this.

Don’t expect people to run over all excited when a baby appears from nowhere - they are likely to be a bit hurt that they didn’t want to tell them.

Also, I found that most people couldn't give a shiny shite when dc2 arrives. All the visitors who hounded us after dc1 were nowhere to be found when dc2 arrived. I even had to beg my own mother to come sit with me for 30mins in the hospital on the evening when we got kept in (dh at home with dc1) as there was only me on the ward.

Unfortunately you can’t stop her telling people OP, but what you can do is not tell her when you go into labour, or if you have to have a planned CS or induction, don’t tell her the date. Maybe don’t even tell her baby is here for a couple of days to let you get home and settled. I’m afraid I have little patience with mums like this, when my own daughter confides in me I am careful not to tell anyone, not even her siblings.

Tell your mother nothing further and certainly not when the baby is born.

Mothers like yours make life harder.
Back away a bit.
Best of luck.

Do people actually do this in real life? Not ever mention pregnancy in 9 months and then “I’ve had a baby would you like to visit?”

It comes across as such a celeb Instagram attention thing and not at all normal for actual relationships.

@Completelyjo Yes they do, most common when they have previous losses. I know multiple women who didn't tell anyone they didn't see regularly as they just couldn't cope with the extra stress and demands of "family". Especially ones who remind them what happened before.

@Brooomhilda Good luck with your pregnancy, I hope you have a much better experience this time. A hefty step back from your mother may give you a sense of peace you don't expect too.

OP said the only person she sees regularly is her mum therefore not hard to keep a pregnancy secret at all.

OP can tell or not tell who she chooses. So choosing to tell her mum and not the wider family doesn't trap her mum at all. It's not her news to share having been specifically asked not to.

Of course it's disappointing that your mum isn't going along with your wishes. I would be careful what you share with her in future and I would let her know that she has damaged the trust in your mum/daughter relationship with her actions. As to having visitors after baby's birth, just stand firm and deputise your DH to keep people away until you're ready.

Infuriating for you.
Tell your mum clearly that if she breaks your confidence she must also tell her relatives that you do not want to hear from anyone about your pregnancy and that if they mention it to you, you will tell them that she broke a confidence.
That might put her off.

If your mum was telling people before 12 weeks, I would agree with you, but keeping an entire pregnancy secret is a massive red flag regarding your mental health. Having a baby needs practical and emotional support from family, friends and your community. Is it just specific family members you dont want to know, which is understandable if their past behaviour has been poor, or is it literally everybody?

I think you are being unfair on your mum here. Tells her to keep this secret for the whole time is massive. Just announcing you had a baby a month or 2 ago will make a lot of people upset that you didn't tell them, so expect them to be annoyed with you. They will probably be annoyed with her for keeping it a secret too. Unless you plan to never leave the house then anyone you bump into, or arrange to meet on purpose, will quickly work it out anyway.

Unfortunately, yes. When I go into labour I'll be relying on her to care for dc1. And here is part of my dilemma. She is trying to be supportive with that but then with the very simple request of "please just keep this to yourself until I'm ready" so can't seem to handle it. I think the main reason I'm upset is because everything kind of spiralled after dd was born: loads of unwanted visitors, my mum started telling me how she was "also my (as in her) baby" and there was a lot of pressure from my family to be overjoyed when I was in fact having a very hard time. I felt completely powerless. This time, I want to do things on my own terms and am very happy for that to mean that no one knows about the baby until after she arrives. But my mum just cannot see if from my point of view, only hers, that this should be public knowledge and that she should have the right to tell people however she wants to and whenever she wants to without my input. It's so frustrating.

I would love for this and feel like she really respected me for it. Sadly, I know this will not be the case. She will want to let everyone know so it can be a huge celebration (she is not from the UK, I should say and where she is from babies are more "community property" than they are here in the UK, where I was raised)

I will certainly not! That actually sounds ideal!

I'm sorry to hear you didn't have the support the second time around. However, your more general description of how people reacted does actually sound ideal to me.

My response to your mum would be to impress upon her:

I told you this in confidence, I've asked you to respect my privacy. If you don't, don't expect me to ever trust you with any news of importance ever again.

If she doesn't get it after that conversation, then she's a lost cause in this respect.

How do you plan to hide the bump?!

Your Mum is out of order to go against your specific request - seems a weird thing to do. But maybe she feels burdened with a responsibility of silence that makes things awkward for her with her family. Perhaps it would have been better not to lumber her with that, but just asked her to keep it to herself when it became obvious.

She's been a total bitch. My Mum would never do this to me! If you can't trust your Mum who can you trust?!