Page 5 | Mum won't keep pregnancy a secret

OhBow · 03/02/2025 14:21

Sorry you're going through this stress OP. It does look like you can't leave your dc with her anymore unfortunately.

Do you think she actually prevented dd from getting to the toilet? It's all kind of wrong.

Lean on your friends as much as you can x

Niknakcake · 03/02/2025 14:51

unless you aren’t leaving the house people will know. A will tell b and b will tell c and suddenly they’ll all know. The whole 6 degrees of separation thing is quite real! I also think it becomes more of an issue when people try to hide it. Control the narrative. Be the one to tell the extended family… as you say many live overseas so it’s not like they can just pop in. Tell them you’re having a baby and you’re excited about it and that you look forward to introducing them in your own time. Lay your ground rules now about visits after the birth and it’ll be less of a worry.

mummytrex · 03/02/2025 15:14

I get it OP. I did similar re my daughter. Not because of my mental health as suggested by other posters , but because I didn't want to jinx things. Also because I couldn't deal with people's pity/conversations if things went wrong again (loss at 5 months, ruptured ectopic, lost twins).

Anyway, I also come from a culture where family is involved and so it was an unusual step to keep things quiet. It was a huge surprise to all after the even but people were happy for us - decent people and family will be the same for you.

I know you rely on your mum for childcare but tbh after your update I'd seriously be questioning whether you want your mum looking after your dc. Leaving dc in soiled pants may well be coincidental, but if not it's pretty concerning that she would be willing to neglect your daughter to make a point to you / show you whose boss.

Regardless I wouldn't be happy at being pushed into doing something I wasn't comfortable with and consider alternative childcare. I'd stick to my guns. Or if you really feel that you have to give in, make clear that post birth things will be done your way (ie) you won't be opening the door or picking up the phone to people. Extreme but I'd be furious in your position.

mummytrex · 03/02/2025 15:17

Meant to add that as things turned out my daughter came at 24 weeks so keeping things quiet was a godsend as I kept things quiet whilst my daughter spent 4 months in the NICU. I was grateful for the breathing space as I didn't have the bandwidth for visits and calls during a time when we didn't know if she'd ever get off a ventilator / survive etc. again people understood.

Lollypop701 · 03/02/2025 16:07

Her response to your boundaries was to punish your daughter. The next step is up to you… personally I’d tell her she can tell everyone about the pregnancy whilst sorting alternate care provision on the quiet so you can pull the rug when you are ready.

if you don’t, Your mum will up the anti as she is used to being obeyed, and you will get calls from extended family (as she will tell them you are pregnant) who will be on her side and not understand why she couldn’t mention the pregnancy and it’s because she loves you and your extended family love you.

It’s bullshit if course, it’s about control (and your mum is probably being somewhat controlled by her family) . Once you don’t need your mum anymore you can decide how much involvement she has… unfortunately if you do anything whilst you need her it’s likely going to backfire on you.

good luck op, it may be a bumpy ride

AllosaurusMum · 03/02/2025 16:40

You need to learn what boundaries actually are. What you're doing is not that. You're just trying to control your mom so you don't need to have actual boundaries. You want her to have to deal with the fall out of your choices so you don't have to.

Actual boundaries are you not allowing visitors until you want. You say no. You don't allow people in your home. You don't answer your phone if you don't want to speak to someone. Boundaries are you controlling your space, not you controlling your mom.

godmum56 · 03/02/2025 17:14

AllosaurusMum · 03/02/2025 16:40

You need to learn what boundaries actually are. What you're doing is not that. You're just trying to control your mom so you don't need to have actual boundaries. You want her to have to deal with the fall out of your choices so you don't have to.

Actual boundaries are you not allowing visitors until you want. You say no. You don't allow people in your home. You don't answer your phone if you don't want to speak to someone. Boundaries are you controlling your space, not you controlling your mom.

I'd say its both!

Jaybail · 03/02/2025 19:35

Nothing you can do to stop your mum telling people (without going NC, and you don't want that as you have stated that you need her help with DC1 when baby is born). You can however control visitors - just don't let them in. Tell them you are not up for visiting yet but will let them know if you are.

Branwells77 · 03/02/2025 21:10

You are not being unreasonable at all your mum should understand and respect your decision I would be annoyed too but what you could do is before she goes to visit family tell them yourself and clearly say that YOU will let them know when you are ready for visitors

Is there anyone else who can have DC1 when you go in to have DC2?

My MIL genuinely thought she was going to be able to come in to the delivery room with me however I was carrying twins and we knew early on that it was highly unlikely I would have a natural delivery anyway I had a planned C-section which completely ruled out her being in the room and I was extremely strict with visitors it is your right it is you that goes through labour and it is up to you when people visit

People will likely disagree with MY choice but that’s exactly what it was MY choice

MN2025 · 03/02/2025 21:22

Brooomhilda · 30/01/2025 09:05

I've specifically asked my mum to keep my pregnancy a secret. My last birth was really traumatic and difficult and as soon as the baby was born there was a lots of pressure to have everyone come visit. It made things a lot worse.

This time around I want to just have the baby without anyone knowing and once I'm in a good place I'll tell people and let them visit. This is what I want. This is what I'm most comfortable with.

The only person I see regularly is my mum. So I told her, as it was becoming obvious. I don't see other family that much apart from over FaceTime.

Whether people know I'm pregnant or not does not affect the baby's health or their health (or them in literally any way). It does not affect the birth outcomes. It affects nothing except how I feel. So I've set this boundary for myself and I thought my mum would respect it. I totally get people will be shocked and I'm happy to explain it to them afterwards why I had a wish for privacy.

My mum told my husband that she's going to tell her family when she goes to visit next month. She says she doesn't care, she wants to tell them.

I feel hurt. It seems telling her siblings (who I never see but will certainly suddenly want to visit once the baby is born) is more important than my wishes.

I'm just ranting and I've no doubt I'll be told I'm being unreasonable, that my pregnancy should be public knowledge, even to people I don't know very well and that I don't really have the right to expect people to respect my boundaries. But I'm sad and frustrated.

It’s your news to tell. Not your DM. Tell people when you are comfortable ALTHOUGH people will know sooner than later. You have obviously told your employer as they would need to do risk assessments…

Would you not consider announcing at 30 weeks?

She is obviously excited about becoming a grandmother again but she needs to respect your decision to not tell people.

godmum56 · 03/02/2025 21:28

Jaybail · 03/02/2025 19:35

Nothing you can do to stop your mum telling people (without going NC, and you don't want that as you have stated that you need her help with DC1 when baby is born). You can however control visitors - just don't let them in. Tell them you are not up for visiting yet but will let them know if you are.

hang on.....that woman left her granddaughter in soiled knickers. Do you think the OP will allow her to care for her child again?

Manthide · 03/02/2025 22:03

Very few people knew I was expecting dc4. My parents knew as I had a bit of a scare early on but as dm told me she'd have killed herself if she found out she was expecting at the age of 42 they weren't especially supportive. I did ask them not to tell anyone and they didn't- probably they were so embarrassed their married dd was having a very much wanted and planned baby at such a great age.
Dd3 was born at the end of December and most people didn't realise I was pregnant so I did get some shocked expressions when they saw me out with a newborn.

RebelliousStarrChild · 03/02/2025 22:14

K14dwy · 03/02/2025 13:51

That's not up to me that's up to the OP. But I'd consider a no contact rule with someone who didn't respect my boundaries, it's ok to set personal boundaries , and it's up those who recieve them to accept them or disregard them, but to disregard them they should suffer a concequence or your telling someone it's ok to disregard and disrespect my boundaries , I wonder if you problems with people's boundaries yourself ? Or have a problem with setting them for yourself, because your comment is suggestive of it.

Maybe you should try other methods of communication before you cut someone out of your life that you clearly rely on.
Boundaries are not demands you make for other people, you cannot use your 'boundaries' to control how other people act and respond.
Also, your comment and the previous one suggest a level of self importance that reeks of the same narcissistic traits you are accusing the OP's mother of having.

FumingTRex · 03/02/2025 22:16

i do feel you are focussing on the wrong things here OP? If you are so unhappy with your mum’s behaviour then why are you using her for regular childcare. If you don’t want people to visit then don’t let them visit. Concealing your pregnancy from your extended family , and expecting your mum to do the same, is not the right way of dealing with these problems. Why not get a childminder so you are less reliant on your mum?

Whalewatching · 04/02/2025 03:22

I mean this kindly, @Brooomhilda but, as others have said, your anxiety regarding this does seem overly high. Just break it down a bit. You don’t seem to have regular contact with your mums family but she obviously does. It clearly does put her in an awkward position if she doesn’t mention your pregnancy until after the baby is born. You are happy to tell other people though. I wonder what your husband thinks. Is he allowed to tell his family? I personally think forbidding your mum to tell wider family is a bit odd.
I think as others have said, the second pregnancy/baby is not nearly as interesting to the wider family and less of a fuss is made. I do know that ‘fuss’ can be overwhelming and can lead to feeling out of control of the situation. Sometimes when we are super stressed or anxious we can overreact or misdirect our reactions at the wrong person or situation.
Really kindly, I think this is what you’re doing. I see your update about the poo and you must ask yourself, would your mum really do that intentionally? Are you sure you’re not trying to justify your decision and anger with her by implying abuse? Maybe your mum is abusive. In which case, you need to urgently find alternative childcare.
Really be honest with yourself op - strangers on the internet can’t really tell you.

sarah419 · 04/02/2025 07:00

Not going to be a popular opinion but here goes. She and the rest of the family are part of this process and it’s in their right to know. Imagine not knowing you are going to be an aunt??? the bit i’d draw a line at is not let anyone visit until you are ready. but to keep this a secret for nine months is ridiculous

Partridgewell · 04/02/2025 07:07

Whalewatching · 04/02/2025 03:22

I mean this kindly, @Brooomhilda but, as others have said, your anxiety regarding this does seem overly high. Just break it down a bit. You don’t seem to have regular contact with your mums family but she obviously does. It clearly does put her in an awkward position if she doesn’t mention your pregnancy until after the baby is born. You are happy to tell other people though. I wonder what your husband thinks. Is he allowed to tell his family? I personally think forbidding your mum to tell wider family is a bit odd.
I think as others have said, the second pregnancy/baby is not nearly as interesting to the wider family and less of a fuss is made. I do know that ‘fuss’ can be overwhelming and can lead to feeling out of control of the situation. Sometimes when we are super stressed or anxious we can overreact or misdirect our reactions at the wrong person or situation.
Really kindly, I think this is what you’re doing. I see your update about the poo and you must ask yourself, would your mum really do that intentionally? Are you sure you’re not trying to justify your decision and anger with her by implying abuse? Maybe your mum is abusive. In which case, you need to urgently find alternative childcare.
Really be honest with yourself op - strangers on the internet can’t really tell you.

These are exactly my feelings. Strangers on the internet can fuel your indignation, but nobody really knows the ins and outs of the situation.

QuietObserver25 · 04/02/2025 18:14

I would accept that your mum will tell people but be very clear with her, and anyone you speak to during pregnancy, that you won't be having visitors for the first week or month. We even added this when we announced our child on social media (also a surprise to most people as we kept my pregnancy quiet so I do get that). Our announcement read:

"We'd like to introduce CHILDS NAME, he was born on Xth Month at Xam. He's absolutely beautiful and we are so in love already. We're all doing really well and hope to see people in due course, however, we will not be seeing people for his first month. We plan on spending time bonding with our little unit and hope everyone understands ❤️ We look forward to seeing you when we're feeling up to being out and about. Lots of love from us all"

Meadowfinch · 04/02/2025 18:24

Windowsand · 30/01/2025 09:28

Tell your mother nothing further and certainly not when the baby is born.

Mothers like yours make life harder.
Back away a bit.
Best of luck.

This. Your mother doesn't have your back. She cannot be trusted. Do not involved her in any further way.