Mum won't keep pregnancy a secret

[Brooomhilda]

I've specifically asked my mum to keep my pregnancy a secret. My last birth was really traumatic and difficult and as soon as the baby was born there was a lots of pressure to have everyone come visit. It made things a lot worse.

This time around I want to just have the baby without anyone knowing and once I'm in a good place I'll tell people and let them visit. This is what I want. This is what I'm most comfortable with.

The only person I see regularly is my mum. So I told her, as it was becoming obvious. I don't see other family that much apart from over FaceTime.

Whether people know I'm pregnant or not does not affect the baby's health or their health (or them in literally any way). It does not affect the birth outcomes. It affects nothing except how I feel. So I've set this boundary for myself and I thought my mum would respect it. I totally get people will be shocked and I'm happy to explain it to them afterwards why I had a wish for privacy.

My mum told my husband that she's going to tell her family when she goes to visit next month. She says she doesn't care, she wants to tell them.

I feel hurt. It seems telling her siblings (who I never see but will certainly suddenly want to visit once the baby is born) is more important than my wishes.

I'm just ranting and I've no doubt I'll be told I'm being unreasonable, that my pregnancy should be public knowledge, even to people I don't know very well and that I don't really have the right to expect people to respect my boundaries. But I'm sad and frustrated.

A friend of mine did this after seven miscarriages and two stillbirths, she couldn't bear the pain of having to tell people they'd lost another one. So yes, people absolutely do and often for very good reason. If you can really only come up with "hurr durr internet points" as a reason someone might be guarded about pregnancy then I envy you the sheltered life you have lead thus far.

I think you're going to have find someone else to look after your daughter. That's surely number one priority now you know this.

Before I read the update I was going to suggest putting her on an information diet. She would be last to know any other information like sex of the baby and when he or she was born. She could find out when everyone else does as she can't be trusted with information beforehand.

However, now that she's neglected your child in her care and is no longer a safe person to rely on, the very least that would happen is she would no longer have any unsupervised contact.

You would be very unreasonable to fail your daughter by allowing your mother to neglect and abuse her. Put your daughter first and figure it out.

Tbh I was thinking that her telling family when she visits would be OK, especially as you can still control when/if you see them/speak to them.

Obviously your update changes things & she is just a thoroughly nasty piece of work.

I would be inclined to never see her again after the way she has treated your daughter.

I think you're placing your boundary in the wrong place.
Let your mother tell whoever she wants but tell her she must tack on to the 'news' a message from you that you would like to enjoy the pregnancy privately with your husband so won't be entertaining any fuss or visits until you are ready.
You are entitled to a relaxing pregnancy, and as an involved grandparent, she's entitled to be a bit excited for another grandchild. It's causing you more stress fighting her at this point. You should both try to move towards understanding each other before the baby arrives as it sounds like you do rely on her for her help.

( This is assuming your mother didn't intentionally leave your daughter in a dirty nappy of course )

I would make it very clear to your mother that if she crosses your boundaries on this then there will be concequences to her actions. .
You have very explicitly said no you don't want your private information given without your consent and if she chooses to ignore your right to privacy and dismiss your feelings then you will have no choice but to go no contact with her so that your privacy when you give birth can be protected, that you will not provide her with confirmation of the birth and therefore you will not get any unwanted visitors.

I would also make it very clear that I would not want people around my child who can not respect personal boundaries as this is not a behaviour you want your child to learn, so will therfore also impose the no contact rule on your child once born.

I think it doesn't matter what you say, and the threat of concequence your mother is still going to tell people narcasist people have a need to be centre of attention and she will need to make all this about her being a grandmother , not that you're going to be a mother again. I think it's going to come down to damage control and choosing to conceal the birth rather than the pregnancy its self. [This is by far the easier option] in order to conceal the birth you would need to stick to a no contact rule. That way they are not going to know you gave birth until you're ready to announce.

You could also completely deny the pregnancy to your mother's family, since you don't see them often , just say I don't know what you're talking about , mother must be dreaming haha, then you can explain all this after birth, or when they contact you , you could tell them about how you're feeling and why you're feeling this way and ask that they respect your right not to have visitors after you give birth until you reach out to then, either way your mother is a narcasist and you need to stand up to her narcasistic behaviour by enforcing concequence.

Good luck with your pregnancy , and the birth.

How is her boundary in the wrong place, it's her pregnancy, her child, not her mothers and her mother should respect the boundaries how ever obscene she thinks it is, it should be respected once set, and she must suffer the concequence for ignoring it. It's her autonomy and no one has the right to it. Not even her narcasistic mother

Sorry op but your mum is behaving very childishly. Imagine taking this out on your DD. Do not cave and quiet frankly I wouldn't be trusting by her with childcare or unsupervised visits.

@Frangela You must know that people behave differently, though?

We didn't tell my in-laws my due date because they're controlling and full-on - in fact, we told them a month, rather than a date, 6 weeks after I was actually due. MIL kicked off about this at every possible occasion... And then started showing up at the hospital randomly a month before I was due. By the time I was actually in labour, she'd visited at least 8 times before. They had no idea we were there, other than that DH hadn't replied to a text, and she had a "feeling".

That type of person isn't going to stay away because you say you don't want visitors. She just stood outside, looking in, or parked across the road waiting for us to leave the house. She gave absolutely zero fucks what we wanted, or had asked her to do.

It's great that the people important to you would respect your boundaries, but that's not true for everyone.

It is a big ask to expect her to not to share something so huge with close family (who sound like they are miles away from you anyway and you don't see them). They aren't going to be popping in so don't see how it matters?

I think you’re talking about complete nutters in a completely different situation, though. I mean, most people don’t randomly show up at the hospital on a ‘feeling’, or stand staring outside your house. Also this was your DH’s parents. The people the OP doesn’t want to visit are her mother’s siblings, whom she sees only once or twice a year at family occasions. Nothing the OP says suggests they behaved in any way like your PILs when she had her last baby, only that she hadn’t wanted visitors. It sounds perfectly straightforward for her mother to communicate that she wants no visitors.

Hiya! 👋 I'm sorry your mum is being a nob head. My mum was the same when we had our DS. We only have the one child.
My mother used to walk all over my boundaries and my husband got sick of it and put his foot down when our DS was born.

She told everyone (pissed on wine all over facebook from her local pub), that we'd just given birth, and that it was a boy (we didn't find out the sex so it was a surprise). I was still getting stitches and I hit the roof. It was NOT her news to tell. She was being a selfish nob.
We told her to delete the post. She lied (drunk) and said she had. I hacked her account and deleted the post.

We didn't tell anyone else that we'd given birth. We came home the next day and had a few blissful days of just myself, hubby and baby.
Then I invited MIL to meet baby first, then my brother, then BIL.
Finally my best mate.
My mother was LAST to meet the baby.
That cheeky bitch waited a whole week and that was the best thing we could have done, as she soon got the message.
She forfeited her right of being the queen bee and being first in line, when she made it all about her and took the piss.
My hubby always says, actions have consequences.

Skip forward a year and she wanted to mind baby for the 2 days per week whilst I was in work. We said great. Again she took the piss, and then tried to be a funny cow.
Being childish and getting away with it because we relied on her.
Hubby didnt stand for it, and I said sound we will put him in nursery then!
She was gutted. As she tried to hold me to ransom and use childcare as a weapon.
Well luv it works both ways, if you want to be a control freak and make me bow down to you and your moods as we need you for childcare, then we will solve that problem and rearrange childcare accordingly.
I will not be controlled by anyone, especially over my child.
Don't have anyone busting your boundaries. If they do make sure there are consequences.

I would be incandescent if someone did that to my child. I don’t know how I’d be able to be around them honestly! What would you do if your Mum moved abroad or passed away? That is what you should do now - she is unstable and unsafe to leave you child with. Even supervised access is a risk considering how spiteful she is willing to be.

I just seen your update. Absolutely disgusting that your mum left DD like that. As you said it seems a little coincidental that things escalated and she returned like that…which is nasty, spiteful and neglectful!!

If your mother cannot respect your wishes then I would go low contact in all honestly. I understand she is excited but that’s doesn’t trump your mental health and feelings!!

I had a really tough time after my first and my mother (and husband) were my rock!! Kept it quiet until I was better and kept it secret with second child until I was ready….they completely supported me through my 2nd pregnancy which unfortunately resulted in a worse delivery/recovery so you need people who are on your side through it all and respect whatever you do regardless of their feelings.

Can you manage childcare without her?

I have a mother like that. Refused to keep it to herself until I was 12 weeks as 'it is my news too'. I try to have little to do with her now, she's awful.

I get why you might not want to tell people until 12 weeks, or after the anomaly scan. But trying to keep it secret all the way though 40 weeks and then being all "ta-dah! Baby" is a bit odd and I can see why your mother is struggling with it.

I know you are finding it hard and setting boundaries to protect yourself but I would just say, from a granny's perspective, I would find it really hard to not mention the news whilst visiting my family and would find it difficult to understand why this unusual choice was so important to my daughter.
I do hope your pregnancy is smooth and all goes well for you and your relationship with your mother isn't damaged.

You don't have to understand it, you just have to accept that its important to your daughter and to respect that. I suspect that leaving a child in faeces soiled underwear is an action that will permanently have damaged the relationship.

I was thinking when I read the thread title that she was excited but having read the post, I think she is all about her wants, her wishes, her, her, her!

My honest advice would be to tell her that if she shares this news with anyone, then she can watch this baby from the sidelines as you'll put up firmer and firmer boundaries about you and your life and she will effectively cut herself off from you.

You need to know that you can trust her to do what you want when the time comes and at the moment you can't do that. So, in order to keep yourself and your children safe and secure, you will have to put in place boundaries that you know you can manage and control so you do what you have to in order to make that happen.

Did you read the bit about leaving her existing grandchild in soiled underwear 🤷🏻‍♀️

And which consequences would you like her to suffer?

You are not being unreasonable at all. It isn't your mum's news to tell. She's being extremely selfish. If it was me, if she told anyone I'd be cutting her out of my life. She certainly wouldn't be meeting the baby. I think you need to have a serious conversation with her and lay down some strict boundaries.

That's not up to me that's up to the OP. But I'd consider a no contact rule with someone who didn't respect my boundaries, it's ok to set personal boundaries , and it's up those who recieve them to accept them or disregard them, but to disregard them they should suffer a concequence or your telling someone it's ok to disregard and disrespect my boundaries , I wonder if you problems with people's boundaries yourself ? Or have a problem with setting them for yourself, because your comment is suggestive of it.

You can't be no contact if you rely on someone for childcare! You can't have it both ways.

Well Op won't be wanting childcare from someone who leaves her own GD in soiled pants will she?