Mum won't keep pregnancy a secret

[Brooomhilda]

I've specifically asked my mum to keep my pregnancy a secret. My last birth was really traumatic and difficult and as soon as the baby was born there was a lots of pressure to have everyone come visit. It made things a lot worse.

This time around I want to just have the baby without anyone knowing and once I'm in a good place I'll tell people and let them visit. This is what I want. This is what I'm most comfortable with.

The only person I see regularly is my mum. So I told her, as it was becoming obvious. I don't see other family that much apart from over FaceTime.

Whether people know I'm pregnant or not does not affect the baby's health or their health (or them in literally any way). It does not affect the birth outcomes. It affects nothing except how I feel. So I've set this boundary for myself and I thought my mum would respect it. I totally get people will be shocked and I'm happy to explain it to them afterwards why I had a wish for privacy.

My mum told my husband that she's going to tell her family when she goes to visit next month. She says she doesn't care, she wants to tell them.

I feel hurt. It seems telling her siblings (who I never see but will certainly suddenly want to visit once the baby is born) is more important than my wishes.

I'm just ranting and I've no doubt I'll be told I'm being unreasonable, that my pregnancy should be public knowledge, even to people I don't know very well and that I don't really have the right to expect people to respect my boundaries. But I'm sad and frustrated.

Yes. I won't be asking people to visit but if they ask me how I am I will tell them about the baby, once I am ready.

There are so many reasons not to talk about pregnancy. I think the first is that we've lost the idea that it is, in fact, a private medical matter. I think with the rise of social media and "announcements" it's almost become expected that we share this medical information, when not sharing it is also a perfectly valid personal preference.

The siblings my mum is so desperate to tell have not disclosed a single piece of the own private medical information to me...

I'd be telling her she's having nothing to do with your baby. Saying she "doesn't care" about your feelings is bloody awful. How dare she. I'd be making it very clear that she keeps her mouth shut or she risks losing you.

No, not everyone. I've told friends who supported me most first time around and who I hope will be there after this baby is born. I'm closer to them and speak to them almost every day, as opposed to family members I see maybe once or twice a year at special occasions. I told my mother, as I'm hoping for her support. I have told my employer and I have told my GP and midwives. I've done everything I feel necessary for my personal emotional happiness.

People can be annoyed with me, it's important to not do things that don't feel right for you and your personal happiness, just to please others.

You must sit your mum down and tell her how you feel - specifically tell her how upset you'd be if she told everyone.

I'd have a back up friend to look after DC1 and let my mum know that if she spills the beans she won't be told when I'm giving birth.

It’s your baby, not your mums so she should absolutely keep her mouth shut - it’s not her news to tell. Im so sorry she’s put yo in this position.

Do you have anyone else to have your dc1? Dad’s parents or a friend?

Can dh have a word with your mum and tell her how disappointed he is with her response to you and the stress she is causing us not good for a pregnant woman etc

i understand there are cultural differences present and also your mums need to impress her sibling… she needs to understand that by doing that she is loosing the respect of her daughter and son in law. Sometimes it’s easier to hear from someone else or maybe it’s best for you to say , only you know who will hit harder with the message

I won't see members of my family before the baby is born (due quite soon) as they all live far away or oversees. So it's fine.

Me and DH are both focussed on this baby being born. I'm personally focussing on my health during this pregnancy, getting enough water, eating right and exercising and making sure I give all the attention to dd and making her feel included so when baby arrives she handles it well. One thing we're not focussing on is talking to everyone else about it and involving them. And I would hope that my mum would respect that and feel the same. It's not awkward to not talk about something that no one else knows about at all, in my opinion.

To even help my mum, I've made sure to make sure that all of our focus while we're with her is on dd and not on the pregnancy. Me and DH are focused on it but don't feel the need to share the day-to-day of that with others (does my mother really need to know about my pregnancy haemorrhoids?!). So actually, on a daily basis there is almost no focus for her on the pregnancy. It doesn't affect her daily life in any way, as it shouldn't.

Your mother is sending you a clear signal, your privacy and your wishes are of no importance to her. Don't ever trust her or confide in her, I would be polite to her face but I would be relegating her to the status of 'distant relative'.
She's not in your corner op, at least you know now.

So it's not a secret. The only people you seem to want to keep in the dark, are your extended family.

I'm genuinely confused.

It's a good idea. I'm thinking of having DH (who she was talking to when she said she was going to tell everyone anyway) to have a word with her just to say that it's really important to me to keep things quiet a bit longer. But ultimately I accept that I cannot stop her talking, especially if she feels that I am being inappropriate and that this should be public knowledge.

I told my employer and midwives because I had to. I told my mum and friends because I see them daily and my pregnancy affects them. Everyone else would not find out unless specifically told. In this case, when my mum flies oversees and tells them. It's not a secret. It just doesn't affect them.

its a tricky one.
I told my mum as I needed her to come while I was at the hospital. So I told her plainly and politely that I didn’t want her to tell anything to my aunt and cousins as the pregnancy was very difficult and I was very worried that they would jinxed it with bad thoughts. I know it sounds daft, but it’s how I felt. Mum didn’t tell but she was worried enough for me as well. In your case I think it sounds a bit differently, more what you like rather then what you need (my mum wouldn’t go with those arguments, never, but the idea of jinxing was good enough for her 🤣)

So I think your best bet is to let it go for now and focus on managing relatives after baby’s born but don’t think about it atm. By the way the first baby is usually a huge event in the family but the second one is not so, unfortunately but it might be to your advantage.

This. If people ask in advance to visit just tell them not at the moment you’re still settling in and finding a routine. Lock your door and if they turn up just don’t answer. Turn up tv and set phone to silent and they can all just eff off until you’re ready. It’s your life not theirs.

and a huge congratulations!

@pizzaHeart no I totally get you about not wanting to jinx it too. It's almost what I'm feeling: first time I went into it really positive and when the shit-show that is post-partum kicked off I was really under prepared and felt like I was letting everyone down. This time I'm really focussing on the reality of post-partum for me and my family and putting that first. If I made my pregnancy public knowledge it might be like jinxing the securing of that post-partum period, that is sort of what it feels like. I'll no longer be able to focus on us, it'll be endless answering phone calls and making visitors cups of tea and dealing with all the flowers they bring round that then died on my kitchen cabinets (sounds daft but I found this so overstimulating the first time around). In really honestly hoping that the people i have told will visit/ congratulate us, if the rest don't that sounds like peaceful bliss to me! Hoping you're right about the disinterest in the second child!

Fuck the family in this situation. Pregnancy is not a hard secret to keep at all. Especially if it isn't your pregnancy.

She's being selfish and acting like a child. Saying she 'doesn't care' for your boundaries or respect you, I'd probably go LC with her OP.

What a horrible woman.

This is good advice. I'd do this.

Oh that old chestnut. Have we had 'your baby is only important to you, OP?' On the bingo card as of yet??

Normal, sane people don't want or need everyone rushing over. A new mother deserves respect, space and time.

It's so surprising that some people fail to grasp that. Not everybody is an attention seeking diva expecting everyone to 'run all over' as you put it.

OP, many years ago my friends overbearing mother was a bit like yours.
She wouldn't be told or asked, she was a Granny and entitled to do and tell what she liked.

My friend lived several hours from me and she was slowly pulling away from her parents because of her mothers ways.

When it came to the birth they simply didn't contact her. Her husband wasn't at the birth, but they were both happier with their decision that he stay with their child and she go to the hospital by taxi.

It worked out and it was the beginning of new boundaries.
They didn't tell her for 5 days that the baby was born.
She was home before she was told.
This gave them the much needed strength to say a short visit and she was told she needed to leave as mother and baby were tired.

Personally anyone that I was not very close to and didn't see regularly would not be welcome, relative or not.

A new baby isn't a day out for people.
Simply enforce no visitors as you are too exhausted.

My friends mother instead of learning from what happened got worse.
Within two years they looked for and accepted a move back down south.

They were allowed very occasional visits and stayed in a hotel and my friend very very occasionally went home and they too stayed in a hotel.

The relationship never recovered and my friend honestly didn't want a better relationship, even though her mother did try after several years and the penny eventually dropping.
It was simply too late.

Consider what is most important to you, your husband at the birth or your mother minding your toddler and believing the only person that matters is her.

Personally I would be asking would any friend help out. Anything to put your awful mother in her place.

Wishing you well.

What ive learned over the years if you dont want anyone to know anything dont tell anyone.

Bless you. Your mum sounds horrible, you should be able to trust that you can confide in your own mum.

I had the same problem. I found out I was pregnant after being told there's a very slim chance I'd ever have children, didn't tell parents until I was 15 weeks as I was a nervous wreck about it all. I told them explicitly nobody else could know until I had my 20 week scan and we got the all OK.

Long story short, our 20wk scan picked up an anomoly, which was an awful, shocking and turbulent couple of weeks with fetal medicine scans. It also turned out that my mum had told her friends about my pregnancy prior to 20 wks, so she would have been in quite the pickle explaining if there wasn't a positive outcome with fetal medicine. She added a lot of stress with constant texts on the day of my scans, which i told her not to do, as I just wanted deal with it with my husband at our own pace.

As a result she's been on an information diet as she's shown she can't be trusted. This pregnancy has been a rollercoaster with wonky growth scans, GD, high blood pressure resulting in hospital visits 2x per week minimum which has been very testing.

I'm having a planned c-section, and it's killing my mum not knowing the date, she kept asking, but I've told her we want babies arrival to be a nice surprise for her and family just like a natural vaginal birth would be. I simply don't trust her to not send 100's of texts on the day/run up, adding pressure, or turning up at the hospital with family which I don't want. Baby girl has a cleft lip/palate, so we want to ensure her safe delivery, make sure she's OK, can feed well, and bond with her as mum & dad with as little stress/pressure as possible. Nothing/nobody else matters but babies safe arrival.

My mum has changed her tone lately, and is keeping my medical/pregnancy news quiet when i ask now which I appreciate, however she's made her bed and can sleep in it until baby girl is here safely.

It's YOUR pregnancy, and YOUR news to share. Perhaps people who have had relatively easy pregnancies/births don't always understand how traumatic some pregnancies/births can be.

Could you ask a friend to help you out with the birth instead of your mum?

I'd tell her that you won't be including her in much of your life and if she complains then tell her you don't care

You can’t keep a pregnancy a secret the whole term, regardless of how the birth was.🤷‍♀️

Most non family people aren't really interested in a second pregnancy anyway.

I think you're imposing such a strong boundary on the wrong person.

If you felt overwhelmed with visitors at the beginning and don’t want that to happen this time, then make that your boundary. Be strong and say when the baby is born we won’t be having visitors for the first X amount of weeks.

Oh god, OP, I sympathise so much.

I only wanted my mum to wait until after the 12 week scan, which is completely normal.

I ended up having my 12 week scan closer to 13 weeks (just practicalities of dates).

At just gone 11 weeks she was constantly messaging me saying "So I can tell people on Saturday right???" and I was like... "No.... you can tell people when I've had the scan and I've let you know it's all OK... and you can't tell anyone I know, because I want to tell them myself."

(Repeat like a broken record throughout the week)

I got constant messages saying "Can I tell X person? Can I tell Y person? Maybe you should tell Z, they might feel left out that they don't know yet".

I had to lay down clear boundaries so. many. times. It was absolutely exhausting.

In an ideal world I probably would have waited until about 20 weeks to tell wider family but she would just have been an absolute nightmare.

Your situation sounds even harder as you don't want her to tell at all - I feel for you!

I really don't know what you can do other than keep reiterating your boundaries - if she keeps ignoring them you will have to distance yourself a bit and give her less information.