Page 3 | Mum won't keep pregnancy a secret

Brooomhilda · 2025-01-30T09:05:08+00:00

I've specifically asked my mum to keep my pregnancy a secret. My last birth was really traumatic and difficult and as soon as the baby was born there was a lots of pressure to have everyone come visit. It made things a lot worse. This time around I want to just have the baby without anyone knowing and once I'm in a good place I'll tell people and let them visit. This is what I want. This is what I'm most comfortable with. The only person I see regularly is my mum. So I told her, as it was becoming obvious. I don't see other family that much apart from over FaceTime. Whether people know I'm pregnant or not does not affect the baby's health or their health (or them in literally any way). It does not affect the birth outcomes. It affects nothing except how I feel. So I've set this boundary for myself and I thought my mum would respect it. I totally get people will be shocked and I'm happy to explain it to them afterwards why I had a wish for privacy. My mum told my husband that she's going to tell her family when she goes to visit next month. She says she doesn't care, she wants to tell them. I feel hurt. It seems telling her siblings (who I never see but will certainly suddenly want to visit once the baby is born) is more important than my wishes. I'm just ranting and I've no doubt I'll be told I'm being unreasonable, that my pregnancy should be public knowledge, even to people I don't know very well and that I don't really have the right to expect people to respect my boundaries. But I'm sad and frustrated.

ParsnipPuree · 30/01/2025 19:02

I've never known anyone to keep a whole pregnancy a secret, and if I'm honest I find it a little strange but of course it's your body and your baby so yes, your mum should've respected that.

Original poster

Brooomhilda · 01/02/2025 05:37

Thanks for messages and kind support. I confronted my mother and it did not go well. She is very, very hurt that she doesn't get to tell anyone because it's just so hard on her. We're currently not speaking because she's so upset. I'm standing my ground for now but feel like I'm going to have to give in and just go with what she wants for this pregnancy, rather than my gut feeling. I'm very sad about it. I genuinely feel like had I known this going into it, I would not have gotten pregnant - as silly as that sounds, we rely on my parents a lot for support with dd and having my needs held ransom while pregnant because otherwise my support system will be taken away is very hard. I haven't slept tonight. My mother (who looks after dd during the day) didn't take her to any of the classes she had scheduled for the day and returned her with her knickers full of poop - quite literally. When I asked dd about it, she said she had done it at granny's house but that granny hadn't cleaned her up. I don't know what to make of it, apart from be so heartbroken for my daughter. Dd has not had a potty accident so far this year so I find it hard to believe that it was coincidence that it happened yesterday.

This is awful. I'm going to just have to let my mother tell whomever she wants, aren't I?

OP posts:

Doloresparton · 01/02/2025 06:01

If my dm emotionally blackmailed me by being mean and frankly neglectful to my dc I’d be looking for support elsewhere.
That's outrageous behaviour.
You need to stop relying on your dm.

Build up a strong friendship group.
When I had dd we had no family nearby and ds stayed with a friend.

charliearm · 01/02/2025 06:07

Brooomhilda · 01/02/2025 05:37

Thanks for messages and kind support. I confronted my mother and it did not go well. She is very, very hurt that she doesn't get to tell anyone because it's just so hard on her. We're currently not speaking because she's so upset. I'm standing my ground for now but feel like I'm going to have to give in and just go with what she wants for this pregnancy, rather than my gut feeling. I'm very sad about it. I genuinely feel like had I known this going into it, I would not have gotten pregnant - as silly as that sounds, we rely on my parents a lot for support with dd and having my needs held ransom while pregnant because otherwise my support system will be taken away is very hard. I haven't slept tonight. My mother (who looks after dd during the day) didn't take her to any of the classes she had scheduled for the day and returned her with her knickers full of poop - quite literally. When I asked dd about it, she said she had done it at granny's house but that granny hadn't cleaned her up. I don't know what to make of it, apart from be so heartbroken for my daughter. Dd has not had a potty accident so far this year so I find it hard to believe that it was coincidence that it happened yesterday.

This is awful. I'm going to just have to let my mother tell whomever she wants, aren't I?

Oh I am so sorry – sending love. You should not have to be dealing with this, especially while pregnant. Your mother's actions towards your child are unacceptable, taking out an adult disagreement on a young child. She should not be left in a caring role – so it's time to look elsewhere for your daughter. Hopefully this draws the firm line you need. Sorry again.

But whether she tells extended family or not, a boundary is something you hold, not force others into compliance with. If you decide you don't want visitors, just say no (and they can all be as annoyed as they like, which doesn't sound too much of an issue if you don't see them regularly anyway) – to protect yourself and your new family. 💐

Wishing you all the best for the months ahead. X

Windowsand · 01/02/2025 09:50

OMG she is prepared to neglect your child.

Clearly you have been conditioned to accept emotional abuse.
I wouldn't want her near either of my children.
That is deeply unstable abusive behaviour.
She is prepared to do anything to punish you and your child.

Do not contact her.
You need to sit down and rethink childcare.
As simple as that.
Your husband has no need to be at the birth if this is the cost of care.
Reach out to friends.
You have mat leave to figure out new care.

Do not give in to this.
By deliberately neglecting a child to punish you she has changed everything.

You need to protect your child from her grandmother as a priority.
This is really shocking.
Tell friends and see if you can source alternative care.

The price of your mothers help has become your child being abused.
Too high.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/02/2025 20:21

Brooomhilda · 01/02/2025 05:37

Thanks for messages and kind support. I confronted my mother and it did not go well. She is very, very hurt that she doesn't get to tell anyone because it's just so hard on her. We're currently not speaking because she's so upset. I'm standing my ground for now but feel like I'm going to have to give in and just go with what she wants for this pregnancy, rather than my gut feeling. I'm very sad about it. I genuinely feel like had I known this going into it, I would not have gotten pregnant - as silly as that sounds, we rely on my parents a lot for support with dd and having my needs held ransom while pregnant because otherwise my support system will be taken away is very hard. I haven't slept tonight. My mother (who looks after dd during the day) didn't take her to any of the classes she had scheduled for the day and returned her with her knickers full of poop - quite literally. When I asked dd about it, she said she had done it at granny's house but that granny hadn't cleaned her up. I don't know what to make of it, apart from be so heartbroken for my daughter. Dd has not had a potty accident so far this year so I find it hard to believe that it was coincidence that it happened yesterday.

This is awful. I'm going to just have to let my mother tell whomever she wants, aren't I?

I'm sorry but I would not be sending my child to somebody who is neglecting their physical needs to punish you. Fuck that. You can send her back. You are going to have to find alternative childcare because this is how it's going to be. You don't toe the line, she's going to make your child suffer. Is that really the way you want this to go? It just gives her more control over your life and decisions and the welfare of your child. I would be going NC after that.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/02/2025 20:21

That should have said "you can't send her back".

YouveGotAFastCar · 02/02/2025 20:46

She’s put an end to helping with your DC, hasn’t she? She’s purposefully neglected them. That’s horrific. You cannot trust her with them anymore.

Spend this evening making an urgent plan for care for your DD, don’t contact your mother.

It’s hard doing it without family support, but you’ve got no choice now. There’s no going back from this, or the fact that she’s ignoring your wishes.

FWIW, I’m 31 weeks pregnant with a baby that my close friends know about, but isn’t really wider knowledge. We only have one remaining set of grandparents and they don’t know, but they have very little contact with us.

Bamboozledbylife · 03/02/2025 09:11

Brooomhilda · 01/02/2025 05:37

Thanks for messages and kind support. I confronted my mother and it did not go well. She is very, very hurt that she doesn't get to tell anyone because it's just so hard on her. We're currently not speaking because she's so upset. I'm standing my ground for now but feel like I'm going to have to give in and just go with what she wants for this pregnancy, rather than my gut feeling. I'm very sad about it. I genuinely feel like had I known this going into it, I would not have gotten pregnant - as silly as that sounds, we rely on my parents a lot for support with dd and having my needs held ransom while pregnant because otherwise my support system will be taken away is very hard. I haven't slept tonight. My mother (who looks after dd during the day) didn't take her to any of the classes she had scheduled for the day and returned her with her knickers full of poop - quite literally. When I asked dd about it, she said she had done it at granny's house but that granny hadn't cleaned her up. I don't know what to make of it, apart from be so heartbroken for my daughter. Dd has not had a potty accident so far this year so I find it hard to believe that it was coincidence that it happened yesterday.

This is awful. I'm going to just have to let my mother tell whomever she wants, aren't I?

I'm so sorry. This is awful, spiteful behaviour. How dare she take it out on your little girl. I'm appalled for you, I hope you have some one else who can step in and support you for the time being.

Even if you tell her she can blab your business to all, she's stomped all over your trust. She's made this a no win situation for herself.

I hope you find support elsewhere and this doesn't impact you. Take care x

Partridgewell · 03/02/2025 09:25

The fact of the matter is, if you're reliant on your parents for childcare, you give up some control of what happens. If your DD was looked after by a childminder, for example, you needn't have even told her about your pregnancy. You can't have it both ways.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/02/2025 09:31

@Brooomhilda I would just stop telling her anything at all. she is obviously a blabber. do you have a mil who could come and care for the other child when you go into hospital? dont telll your mum about any of your appointments and dont tell her the gender of the baby either, if you find out.

saraclara · 03/02/2025 09:36

She took it out on your child?

This isn't a situation where you back down and let her have what she wants. This is a situation where you do your nut at her and tell her she won't have access to your child again.

As a grandparent myself I never envisaged me giving that advice, but depriving her grandchild of her activities and sending her home after not changing her pants when she poo'd (to send you a message, frankly) is beyond the pale.

Do you have anyone else who can care for your DD in the short term?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2025 09:40

Your mother has clearly shown you by word and now deed re your eldest that she is not emotionally safe enough to be around. You need to find alternative childcare today going forward. You must never leave either child in her care ever again, she’s a walking red flag I would drop the rope entirely and lower all future contact levels to zero sum.

Tortielady · 03/02/2025 09:42

Keeping a pregnancy under your hat might be a tricky boundary to maintain, but that doesn't mean you're unreasonable to ask for it. A member of my extended family recently had a baby; I didn't know she was expecting and that's perfectly OK, because it was none of my business. It was fine for her DM not to say anything, especially if she'd been asked not to. A reasonable family member who cares about your well-being and that of your little one won't mind when they find out, they'll just wish you well and look forward to catching up with your news when the time's right.

Your mother's recent behaviour re your DD confirms what you suspect about keeping her in the loop. Her treatment of your daughter was vindictive and deserves to be met with a tightening of your boundaries. Arguments between adults never justify the ill-treatment of children, regardless of the circumstance and I would agree with pps who've suggested finding alternative childcare for when you're in labour and thereafter.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2025 09:43

Brooomhilda · 30/01/2025 12:20

People can be annoyed with me, it's important to not do things that don't feel right for you and your personal happiness, just to please others.

Show quote history

I understand why you don't want loads of people you never see, arriving to see the baby

But the way round that is the (usual) way of telling them you're pregnant (I've never seen that as private medical info as it's blindingly obvious!) but you don't tell them you've given birth till you're ready

Seen your update

Is there any other care you can have for your DD? Nursery? CM?

Your mother is abusive. You don't deliberately leave a toddler sitting in their own poo

Frangela · 03/02/2025 09:44

Brooomhilda · 01/02/2025 05:37

Thanks for messages and kind support. I confronted my mother and it did not go well. She is very, very hurt that she doesn't get to tell anyone because it's just so hard on her. We're currently not speaking because she's so upset. I'm standing my ground for now but feel like I'm going to have to give in and just go with what she wants for this pregnancy, rather than my gut feeling. I'm very sad about it. I genuinely feel like had I known this going into it, I would not have gotten pregnant - as silly as that sounds, we rely on my parents a lot for support with dd and having my needs held ransom while pregnant because otherwise my support system will be taken away is very hard. I haven't slept tonight. My mother (who looks after dd during the day) didn't take her to any of the classes she had scheduled for the day and returned her with her knickers full of poop - quite literally. When I asked dd about it, she said she had done it at granny's house but that granny hadn't cleaned her up. I don't know what to make of it, apart from be so heartbroken for my daughter. Dd has not had a potty accident so far this year so I find it hard to believe that it was coincidence that it happened yesterday.

This is awful. I'm going to just have to let my mother tell whomever she wants, aren't I?

Honestly, you saying you would not have got pregnant if you knew your mother would want to tell her extended family suggests very fragile MH. And if you don’t trust your mother, Ure ly you shouldn’t be using her for childcare? Just tell peiole not to visit when the baby is born! I didn’t see anyone for three weeks.

TaggieO · 03/02/2025 09:46

It seems quite odd that you had soooooo many visitors after the birth of your DD, but none of these people are close enough that you will see them during your current pregnancy at all……

TorroFerney · 03/02/2025 09:55

Rhaidimiddim · 30/01/2025 12:10

My response to your mum would be to impress upon her:

I told you this in confidence, I've asked you to respect my privacy. If you don't, don't expect me to ever trust you with any news of importance ever again.

If she doesn't get it after that conversation, then she's a lost cause in this respect.

Show quote history

Agree. Op asking her not to say anything isn’t a boundary, you can’t control her, the boundary and the important bit is what you will do if she does tell. That’s the bit you control. So she won’t get any information on scans, progression, the sex of the baby etc. which she may think is worth it to be able to tell people.

Disenchantedone · 03/02/2025 10:01

Your mum sounds awful. It is not that hard to think of your daughter's feelings above your own. That's what every good mum should do! My mum would keep any secret i asked her to.

godmum56 · 03/02/2025 10:05

Brooomhilda · 01/02/2025 05:37

Thanks for messages and kind support. I confronted my mother and it did not go well. She is very, very hurt that she doesn't get to tell anyone because it's just so hard on her. We're currently not speaking because she's so upset. I'm standing my ground for now but feel like I'm going to have to give in and just go with what she wants for this pregnancy, rather than my gut feeling. I'm very sad about it. I genuinely feel like had I known this going into it, I would not have gotten pregnant - as silly as that sounds, we rely on my parents a lot for support with dd and having my needs held ransom while pregnant because otherwise my support system will be taken away is very hard. I haven't slept tonight. My mother (who looks after dd during the day) didn't take her to any of the classes she had scheduled for the day and returned her with her knickers full of poop - quite literally. When I asked dd about it, she said she had done it at granny's house but that granny hadn't cleaned her up. I don't know what to make of it, apart from be so heartbroken for my daughter. Dd has not had a potty accident so far this year so I find it hard to believe that it was coincidence that it happened yesterday.

This is awful. I'm going to just have to let my mother tell whomever she wants, aren't I?

no you are not! a person who wopuld use your child as a weapon in such a nasty way deserves nothing from you. Is there any other way at all that you can sort your childcare?

thepariscrimefiles · 03/02/2025 10:07

Brooomhilda · 01/02/2025 05:37

Thanks for messages and kind support. I confronted my mother and it did not go well. She is very, very hurt that she doesn't get to tell anyone because it's just so hard on her. We're currently not speaking because she's so upset. I'm standing my ground for now but feel like I'm going to have to give in and just go with what she wants for this pregnancy, rather than my gut feeling. I'm very sad about it. I genuinely feel like had I known this going into it, I would not have gotten pregnant - as silly as that sounds, we rely on my parents a lot for support with dd and having my needs held ransom while pregnant because otherwise my support system will be taken away is very hard. I haven't slept tonight. My mother (who looks after dd during the day) didn't take her to any of the classes she had scheduled for the day and returned her with her knickers full of poop - quite literally. When I asked dd about it, she said she had done it at granny's house but that granny hadn't cleaned her up. I don't know what to make of it, apart from be so heartbroken for my daughter. Dd has not had a potty accident so far this year so I find it hard to believe that it was coincidence that it happened yesterday.

This is awful. I'm going to just have to let my mother tell whomever she wants, aren't I?

So your mum is punishing your child because she doesn't like your behaviour? That means that she isn't a safe person to look after your DD. No matter how upset and hurt she is with you, to take it out on a small child by refusing to change her after she has soiled herself is actually abusive.

Strictlymad · 03/02/2025 10:10

MayaPinion · 30/01/2025 09:22

My mother does this. I tell her absolutely nothing now until it’s over. She didn’t know I’d given birth/had major surgery/split with my exH etc. until I was ready for everyone to know. She’s lost that private privilege for making my life events all about her.

Same here- too much shared so I stopped telling

Willwetalk · 03/02/2025 10:26

SpringBunnyHopHop · 30/01/2025 09:23

Don’t expect people to run over all excited when a baby appears from nowhere - they are likely to be a bit hurt that they didn’t want to tell them.

Tough.

ColesCorner7814 · 03/02/2025 10:29

Brooomhilda · 01/02/2025 05:37

Thanks for messages and kind support. I confronted my mother and it did not go well. She is very, very hurt that she doesn't get to tell anyone because it's just so hard on her. We're currently not speaking because she's so upset. I'm standing my ground for now but feel like I'm going to have to give in and just go with what she wants for this pregnancy, rather than my gut feeling. I'm very sad about it. I genuinely feel like had I known this going into it, I would not have gotten pregnant - as silly as that sounds, we rely on my parents a lot for support with dd and having my needs held ransom while pregnant because otherwise my support system will be taken away is very hard. I haven't slept tonight. My mother (who looks after dd during the day) didn't take her to any of the classes she had scheduled for the day and returned her with her knickers full of poop - quite literally. When I asked dd about it, she said she had done it at granny's house but that granny hadn't cleaned her up. I don't know what to make of it, apart from be so heartbroken for my daughter. Dd has not had a potty accident so far this year so I find it hard to believe that it was coincidence that it happened yesterday.

This is awful. I'm going to just have to let my mother tell whomever she wants, aren't I?

Sorry but your mum sounds awful - I wouldn’t accept that behaviour towards myself or my child. Find support and childcare elsewhere as she seems to think nothing of using your child to get at you.
for the record, I’ve never cut anyone out of my life or suggested it to anyone else, but I don’t see you have a choice. You need to protect yours and your daughter’s mental health.

GreenFields07 · 03/02/2025 10:32

Your mother is neglectful and abusive. Absolutely disgusting behaviour punishing your DD because shes upset with you, id be absolutely furious and she would never be looking after my DD ever again, and in fact would probably never be welcome to see us ever again either. I dont care what it cost, id be looking for alternative childcare now and booking DD into a nursery. This would honestly be the end of my relationship with my mum if she treated my children like this. Your mother has no respect for you or your family, its obviously her way or the highway. Shes manipulative and emotionally abusing you, probably has done for your whole life which is why you are even considering letting her have her way and just seem to be ok with her neglecting your child. You need some serious boundaries in place with your mum, and actually stick to them, instead of letting her walk all over you and basically treat you all like shit on her shoe. Why you would give in and let her do what she wants is incomprehensible to me. Have some self respect, grow up, enforce your boundaries like an adult should and stop letting your mum control your life.