Page 9 | No judgement please

Furball0504 · 2025-01-29T13:09:09+00:00

I’ve been married for a lot of years, we have two children, aged 22 and 16. For approximately 10 year my marriage has been more of a very close friendship. For the last 2.5 year I have been having an affair. This wasn’t planned and something I’d have ever seen myself doing. I do love my husband but just on in the way I love this other man. We have very recently found out my husband has cancer which has literally blown us all away. I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I’m a very private person so there’s no one on my side that knows about this so I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to. I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot. I know the other man will move on very quickly (he has a track record for this) and know I’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life. I know I’ll have to go no contact with him which will be hard, we message constantly so it will be a struggle. Please no judgement, guess I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me or if anyone has been in a similar situation who can relate.

Antefatal · 31/01/2025 00:40

SoupDragon · 30/01/2025 13:06

said no one ever on a thread about a cheating man.

Show quote history

Clearly you haven’t discovered Reddit. Or, I don’t know, any mainstream news. Or reality outside GB news and the Facebook comment section. X

YouOKHun · 31/01/2025 01:15

The OM is a massive shit. All this "I'd shout about our relationship from the rooftops if I could" spiel. I would put money on him disappearing as soon as the OP is single.

tellmesomethingtrue · 31/01/2025 01:31

Your poor husband. If you'd divorced him 2 years ago then he could have found someone new to be with by now who would help him get through this awful time.

tellmesomethingtrue · 31/01/2025 01:37

If your marriage was so awful and lonely for all those years, why didn't you separate from your husband?
Why didn't you stop yourself from getting involved with another man and tell your DH that you didn't love him anymore?

Ilovemeggy38 · 31/01/2025 01:56

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 31/01/2025 00:21

Doesn't it occur to you that there was something lacking in the marriage that led the OP to seeking a relationship elsewhere?

Show quote history

You have obviously missed my point 🤷
But whatever.

Ilovemeggy38 · 31/01/2025 02:02

The lacking in a marriage should not be lickenend to one sex no?
Both should be equal in sorting their relationship.
How can you begin to sort your marriage if one of you are having sex with someone else?
Sorry, it begins with honesty.

Ilovemeggy38 · 31/01/2025 02:12

This thread has gone from OP is a lovely misunderstood victim to she is the devil.
What has gone by the way is it doesn't matter what sex cheating effects, it will effect her Husband.
He will, when or if he finds out he has been lied to, his bodily anonymity has been violated, he has been thinking he was in a relationship, when he wasn't.
That is what OP Should be thinking of

Ilovemeggy38 · 31/01/2025 02:15

YouOKHun · 31/01/2025 01:15

The OM is a massive shit. All this "I'd shout about our relationship from the rooftops if I could" spiel. I would put money on him disappearing as soon as the OP is single.

Errm.
He isn't in a long term Marriage with two children.
The OP is.

Ilovemeggy38 · 31/01/2025 02:20

The OP is in a long term marriage with a Husband who has cancer and has no clue his Wife is having sex with someone else..
Let's say it plainly.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 31/01/2025 02:48

For the people saying that the poor OP is in a lonely marriage with no-one to talk to, line of chapter 1 of the cheater’s handbook is “my partner doesn’t understand me and we haven’t had sex for years.”

Regardless of whether it may be true, it’s the oldest cliche going.

YouZirName · 31/01/2025 03:12

It's a shame you didn't have a conscience before now. Disgusting, spineless, shameful behaviour.

HipMax · 31/01/2025 03:31

2025willbemytime · 29/01/2025 13:28

I don't judge you either and I say that as the now ex wife of a man who had an affair. I didn't leave then but it caused me irreparable damage.

It isn't clear whether your husband will survive this or not. TBH if he isn't then why give up the other man? I know I'll be absolutely slated for that but it doesn't seem your husband has met your needs, you'll be caring for and worrying about him and you can't do this alone.

Fucking hell. "Hey, your husband might die, keep seeing your side piece while he does, so you don't get bored and won't be without a man after he carks it"

No judgement OP? Not a chance.

TheAverageJoanne · 31/01/2025 03:36

mumonthehill · 29/01/2025 14:03

I have to be completely honest that your description of the om does not make him sound that trustworthy or reliable. Basically he moves on from woman to woman. If you want to leave your dh then I would think hard before you do so with him. If you stay with dh then do so because you love him not through guilt. It might be that time away from om and having to care for you dh may give you some space to see what you really want long term.

Thanks for saying this! I was going to but reading the full thread to see if anyone else did.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/01/2025 03:38

Muffin777 · 29/01/2025 13:48

Can you imagine the responses if the genders were reversed.

Men abandon their cancer-suffering wives far more often than women abandon cancer-suffering husbands. "20.8% of relationships ended when the woman was the affected partner compared with only 2.9% when it was the man".

I think OP is being very generous remaining in the marriage when you consider that there's a one in five chance that her DH would have walked if she was the one with cancer.

HipMax · 31/01/2025 03:41

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/01/2025 03:38

Men abandon their cancer-suffering wives far more often than women abandon cancer-suffering husbands. "20.8% of relationships ended when the woman was the affected partner compared with only 2.9% when it was the man".

I think OP is being very generous remaining in the marriage when you consider that there's a one in five chance that her DH would have walked if she was the one with cancer.

Edited

Show quote history

That has nothing to do with it and no, she isn't. It's not generous to stay with your spouse while fucking your boyfriend.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/01/2025 03:46

HipMax · 31/01/2025 03:41

That has nothing to do with it and no, she isn't. It's not generous to stay with your spouse while fucking your boyfriend.

Show quote history

I didn't say that her cheating was OK. I was making the point that men routinely behave appallingly without censure to a poster who was claiming double standards.

TammyJones · 31/01/2025 03:51

custardpyjamas · 29/01/2025 13:22

Does your DH having cancer change things that much? Is it a treatable cancer? I don't know if you being miserable is going to help the situation. Would the OM be a comfort to you or not want to know? It sounds like a not very deep physical relationship that has been able to co-exist beside your strong friendship and affection for your DH, just filling another need. Think about it.

I agree. Does it really matter now ?
Will you be much of a support to your dh with a broken heart? I'd not rock the boat at this particular time.

HipMax · 31/01/2025 03:52

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/01/2025 03:46

I didn't say that her cheating was OK. I was making the point that men routinely behave appallingly without censure to a poster who was claiming double standards.

Show quote history

The double standard part is that none of you would be telling a man that its fine to have a girlfriend and a wife, and how lovely he is to stay with his wife while she has cancer. Obviously

You also literally said her cheating was ok.

spuddy4 · 31/01/2025 03:56

Well I hope the OP's husband gets himself tested and has all his ducks in a row because that's the default advice on here for a woman.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/01/2025 04:07

HipMax · 31/01/2025 03:52

The double standard part is that none of you would be telling a man that its fine to have a girlfriend and a wife, and how lovely he is to stay with his wife while she has cancer. Obviously

You also literally said her cheating was ok.

Edited

Show quote history

I didn't say that. I said that she was generous in staying with him. That would be the case whether she was cheating or not.

Twaddlepip · 31/01/2025 06:42

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 29/01/2025 16:31

OP, if a woman came on here and posted:

“I’ve been the OW for 2.5 years. He’s trapped in a loveless marriage but he hasn’t left her. We love each other deeply and we are everything to each other. Now he’s just found out that his wife has cancer and he’s said that we can’t see each other any more. He claims he’s heartbroken.”

What do you think the responses would be.

The rights or wrongs of an affair aside, if the OM in this scenario was a woman posting here, she would be told that she was better off without him. She was clearly his bit on the side, was never going to leave his wife, and now he’s made his choice, and that she deserved better and should block and delete and move on to find a real relationship.

At the end of the day you don’t have any respect for either of them. You clearly don’t love your DH or the OM or you would be with one of them.

If you loved the OM you would have left your DH for him.

If you loved your DH you would have ended the affair before now.

It’s one thing to have an affair, a fling as it were, it’s quite the deception to keep that affair going for 2.5 years. That’s not something you didn’t plan, you clearly have been planning all along, how to deceive your DH, how to lie to him every day you go out and have sex with the OM. You were on dating apps, so let’s not pretend that you didn’t ask for this to happen, you were looking for it.

Someone feeling lonely can end up in an affair, I can see that. But this isn’t just an affair, this is a calculated deception.

Your DH deserves better and so does the OM.

Hopefully he will move on to someone who genuinely loves him

Why do posters make stuff up?

Wheredidallthegoodmengo · 31/01/2025 07:12

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 31/01/2025 00:21

Doesn't it occur to you that there was something lacking in the marriage that led the OP to seeking a relationship elsewhere?

Show quote history

The old “unmet needs” philosophy? No. It’s an excuse used by unfaithful people everywhere to justify their choices. It’s part of the script.
If your needs are not being met in a relationship you have every right to walk away. You can use your words like a grown up to discuss the issues and ask for change. If those changes are not forthcoming or actually, for any reason you like, you can say “this is not working for me. I want to end the relationship”. Or you can say you want to open the relationship. Yes, that will cause pain but far less pain than discovering your spouse has been deceiving you for years. An affair is a choice and an unkind one at that. They do not “just happen”.
Op will not have expected the responses on here, simply because she has spent the last 2.5 yrs justifying to herself that what she is doing isn’t that bad.

egginthebun · 31/01/2025 07:37

I work in mental health and this lady worried me so I have PM'd her. I've spoke to her at length...she has gave me permission to make this known.
She has lead a very isolated life due to her mental health which has left her very much alone.
Her story is not as cut and dried as you all think it is. She kept her post pretty brief considering.
As someone has already said, we won't be seeing her on here again.
Have a nice day ladies and be thankful for what we have, believe me, some people would love to be in our positions.

Muffin777 · 31/01/2025 07:54

egginthebun · 31/01/2025 07:37

I work in mental health and this lady worried me so I have PM'd her. I've spoke to her at length...she has gave me permission to make this known.
She has lead a very isolated life due to her mental health which has left her very much alone.
Her story is not as cut and dried as you all think it is. She kept her post pretty brief considering.
As someone has already said, we won't be seeing her on here again.
Have a nice day ladies and be thankful for what we have, believe me, some people would love to be in our positions.

Sure.
and yes it is clear OP is the victim in all this…

boredsh1tl3ss · 31/01/2025 08:01

egginthebun · 31/01/2025 07:37

I work in mental health and this lady worried me so I have PM'd her. I've spoke to her at length...she has gave me permission to make this known.
She has lead a very isolated life due to her mental health which has left her very much alone.
Her story is not as cut and dried as you all think it is. She kept her post pretty brief considering.
As someone has already said, we won't be seeing her on here again.
Have a nice day ladies and be thankful for what we have, believe me, some people would love to be in our positions.

Not to be rude but if you're in a relationship like that then leave? You don't cheat, as I've been a victim of cheating cunts the damage it does is irreversible to the person as a whole. It's mentally and emotionally damaging and completely destroys your trust in people in general. I still have not completely got over my husband's affair and that was nearly 5 years ago, because the lasting damaged caused by him still affects me to this day! I don't get why people can't say and be open and honest that they are not happy and want out? I get there's money and financial issues involved but I would have rather my husband just said I'm not happy anymore I would like a divorce instead of being told he had his dick in someone else and they 'fell in love' while he was with me! I also work in mental health and I have seen what affairs and cheating can do to the people who have had this done to them it's not at all nice. There are other ways of leaving someone you're not happy with instead of having to have your way with someone else. You can't come on these forums and plead sadness about leaving your OM and how it's going to hurt you and how you know the OM will move on because you now have to stop as your spouse the person you married and said your vowels too has been diagnosed with cancer! Off course your going to get back lash for it because it sounds like the OP only cares about that and it's major selfish and self centred!