No judgement please

[Furball0504]

I’ve been married for a lot of years, we have two children, aged 22 and 16. For approximately 10 year my marriage has been more of a very close friendship.
For the last 2.5 year I have been having an affair. This wasn’t planned and something I’d have ever seen myself doing. I do love my husband but just on in the way I love this other man.
We have very recently found out my husband has cancer which has literally blown us all away.
I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I’m a very private person so there’s no one on my side that knows about this so I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to.
I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot. I know the other man will move on very quickly (he has a track record for this) and know I’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life.
I know I’ll have to go no contact with him which will be hard, we message constantly so it will be a struggle.
Please no judgement, guess I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me or if anyone has been in a similar situation who can relate.

Do people really think that someone posting “I’ve been fucking another man behind my husband’s back, but now he has cancer I’d better end the affair” is brave? Seriously?

Yes, affairs happen. but do people think that the OP would be ending it if it wasn’t for the fact the husband she’s been lying to for the past 18 months had cancer?

Where’s the #beKind for the husband then? But oh wait, #beKind is just a load of virtue signalling bollocks anyway.

If the OP is so lonely she needs to be off shagging someone else then she needs to leave the relationship. She needed to leave it 18 months ago. But clearly she is benefitting financially, and he’s presumably paying for her lifestyle that he doesn’t even know about.

The OP doesn’t want to leave this OM because she knows what she’s doing is wrong, she’s leaving him because her husband has cancer.

Why should people treat the OP with compassion when she doesn’t have an ounce of compassion towards the man she’s been cheating on for the past 18 months, and whose cancer she’s turning into her own personal tragedy, not because she’s upset about the cancer, but because she’s upset she’s going to have to end her affair.

Exactly!!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 now if this was a bloke on here who said this.... shit would hit the fan! 😡🤣

I've had cancer. I'd have wanted to know if my dh had been fucking someone for years so I could write him out of my will and leave everything to my dc and spend my time with people who weren't liars.

Stop telling people to Be Kind. The whole #bekind movement is another attempt to shut people up.

Imagine a man coming in saying his breadwinner wife has got cancer and he’s gutted he’s now got to give up his side piece but that he’s never wanted a divorce because his wife bankrolls him staying at home all day.

Im sure everyone would #bekind - yeah right. He would be getting a new one ripped

If you read my post again, you will realise that I did NOT tell anyone to Be Kind.

This is what I said:

"Not much #BeKind around!!"

I assume the OP's DH has been ok with her lack of financial contribution? There are also two children in the mix who, should the worst happen, will need to be provided for.

Can you really not find it in your heart to have the tiniest bit of compassion for a woman whose husband has held her at arm's length for 10 years, and has nobody in the world that she can talk to about this? Plus the affair partner sounds as flakey as fuck, if she thinks that he will just move on seamlessly to another woman?

I'm glad I'm not that cold-hearted. We have no idea what the OP has gone through in her marriage, and we won't either because of the judgemental responses to her post.

As a mum of three who has always worked fulltime, no, I don't understand that mindset. Worst case scenario, it's lazy,

However I can't support the lambasting of a poster who's come on here in turmoil.

My thoughts exactly

If this was a man posting he would've been blown to pieces by now.

You claim you'd never leave your husband when he needs you, you already have, you're having an affair.

You may feel attached (limerance) for om, but the fact you say you know he'll move on quickly from you shows he is not very attached to you.

Wise up. Its not love. Its limerance and attention when you've wanted affection.

Good for you.

Bully for you.

I don't think there's any difference between a woman's and a man's position in a difficult marriage.

You need a job out of the house.
Or volunteering and hobbies.
Having sex with a man outside your relationship is just a distraction from the fact you have in all honesty cut yourself off from the world and stayed at home.
I did that, was a sahm for 12 years.
Best thing I ever did was volunteer work that eventually led to a paid job, responsibility, self worth and making friends and relationships outside the house but in a healthy way not shagging a dodgy bloke to fill the void.

OP you need to make choices -

• stay with your DH, nurse him through his illness (forget about the OM) and get yourself a job, go to college, never too late, volunteer. I went back to uni when my youngest started school, started a new career after 11 years at home. It’s great getting out there, we could afford for me not to work but I like earning my own money.
• leave your DH for the OM
• leave your DH and forget the OM, your children aren’t children anymore, your 16 year old will soon be an adult and off living their own life. You only get one life, stop feeling so sorry for yourself, if you are lonely do something about it, only you can. You will do ok in a divorce most probably (find out) start agin, get a new life.

No offence but why are you here then. She very clearly stated ‘no judgement’. Can’t you go comment on a Daily Mail thread about Katie Price’s new tits to get your fix of self-sanctimony or something?

I can't imagine being in a long marriage, working hard to raise two children, going out every single day to do that.
Then finding out I have cancer.
Then finding out your wife has been decieving you every time she talks to you, is secretly pining after another man, has literally lied to you...for TWO YEARS!
I honestly don't know how you started your thread with no judgement.
I don't particularly judge you but my gosh I think you need to stop immediately with the poor me navel gazing, wake up and realise your Husband cannot provide all your emotional crutches and "being seen"
You are a grown woman, take back some self respect, finish the sex with the other man, take some responsibility for your family dynamics, take some responsibility for your development and give your Husband the decency of telling him the truth.
Two and a half years having sex with another man, lying and cheating is a horrendously long time.

Doesn't it occur to you that there was something lacking in the marriage that led the OP to seeking a relationship elsewhere?

today I learned that the words “no judgement please” is like catnip to the catty and all of their unsolicited and wildly useless opinions.