Page 10 | No judgement please

Furball0504 · 2025-01-29T13:09:09+00:00

I’ve been married for a lot of years, we have two children, aged 22 and 16. For approximately 10 year my marriage has been more of a very close friendship. For the last 2.5 year I have been having an affair. This wasn’t planned and something I’d have ever seen myself doing. I do love my husband but just on in the way I love this other man. We have very recently found out my husband has cancer which has literally blown us all away. I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I’m a very private person so there’s no one on my side that knows about this so I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to. I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot. I know the other man will move on very quickly (he has a track record for this) and know I’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life. I know I’ll have to go no contact with him which will be hard, we message constantly so it will be a struggle. Please no judgement, guess I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me or if anyone has been in a similar situation who can relate.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 31/01/2025 08:02

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/01/2025 03:46

I didn't say that her cheating was OK. I was making the point that men routinely behave appallingly without censure to a poster who was claiming double standards.

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But it’s appalling whoever is behaving that way.

It’s not generous to stay with a partner if they’re diagnosed with cancer, it’s despicable to leave them.

This “men do more of” line that people trot out to justify the same behaviour on a woman’s part is pathetic, and a bit thick.

If more men murder their children does that make it ok if a woman does the same (bearing in mind the majority of brutal child murders in the last year which have been in the media have in fact been perpetrated or aided by women).

It’s not about the sex of the person, it’s what the person does. Sex is entirely irrelevant.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 31/01/2025 08:04

egginthebun · 31/01/2025 07:37

I work in mental health and this lady worried me so I have PM'd her. I've spoke to her at length...she has gave me permission to make this known.
She has lead a very isolated life due to her mental health which has left her very much alone.
Her story is not as cut and dried as you all think it is. She kept her post pretty brief considering.
As someone has already said, we won't be seeing her on here again.
Have a nice day ladies and be thankful for what we have, believe me, some people would love to be in our positions.

Yeah right. And of course she’s told you nothing but the truth. Because these accomplished liars always do.

I mean she’s been lying to everyone for the past 1.5 years, her husband, her children, the OM, why change the habits of a lifetime.

egginthebun · 31/01/2025 08:09

After speaking to her at length, yes I do believe her. Now how about we all move away from this post. She won't see this so bashing her is completely pointless and will just be for your own gain.

HipMax · 31/01/2025 08:12

Good to know rose having mental health issues is a full and complete excuse for cheating on your spouse for years on end.

egginthebun · 31/01/2025 08:17

HipMax · 31/01/2025 08:12

Good to know rose having mental health issues is a full and complete excuse for cheating on your spouse for years on end.

Like I said, it's not as cut and dried as it seems...if only everything in life was eh. She's a very vulnerable woman who has had a pretty horrific life. No way am I excusing what she's done but I do feel understanding as in to why after speaking to her. And yes I do believe her.

HipMax · 31/01/2025 08:22

egginthebun · 31/01/2025 08:17

Like I said, it's not as cut and dried as it seems...if only everything in life was eh. She's a very vulnerable woman who has had a pretty horrific life. No way am I excusing what she's done but I do feel understanding as in to why after speaking to her. And yes I do believe her.

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Hi OP.

If you're not her you're way too gullible to be on the internet.

egginthebun · 31/01/2025 08:27

Ludicrous...absolutely ludicrous.

TheAverageJoanne · 31/01/2025 08:32

HipMax · 31/01/2025 08:22

Hi OP.

If you're not her you're way too gullible to be on the internet.

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If you think it's a fake thread then report it.

Gloriia · 31/01/2025 08:34

egginthebun · 31/01/2025 07:37

I work in mental health and this lady worried me so I have PM'd her. I've spoke to her at length...she has gave me permission to make this known.
She has lead a very isolated life due to her mental health which has left her very much alone.
Her story is not as cut and dried as you all think it is. She kept her post pretty brief considering.
As someone has already said, we won't be seeing her on here again.
Have a nice day ladies and be thankful for what we have, believe me, some people would love to be in our positions.

Oh lots have health problems, many have mental health issues. This does mean having a fling is ok.

All she says about her life is she was lonely and her dh only rang her to moan hardly a terrible life. Al she had to do was get a job maybe do some exercise, maybe volunteer. Or maybe talk to her dh?

To do what she has done then play the victim is just despicable.

Her poor dh deserves the truth.

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 08:35

The abuse towards the op is awful. She’s not fair game for the anger some of you feel towards your own cheating spouses.

Gloriia · 31/01/2025 08:35

HipMax · 31/01/2025 08:12

Good to know rose having mental health issues is a full and complete excuse for cheating on your spouse for years on end.

Yes it's up there with my wife doesn't understand me.

Gloriia · 31/01/2025 08:37

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 08:35

The abuse towards the op is awful. She’s not fair game for the anger some of you feel towards your own cheating spouses.

There isn't any abuse, rather revulsion that all she is bothered about is giving up her grubby fling because her poor dh annoyingly has cancer.

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 08:45

There isn't any abuse, rather revulsion that all she is bothered about is giving up her grubby fling because her poor dh annoyingly has cancer.

Yes there is. If people are so revolted and triggered they should have scrolled on by.

YouOKHun · 31/01/2025 08:47

Ilovemeggy38 · 31/01/2025 02:15

Errm.
He isn't in a long term Marriage with two children.
The OP is.

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@Ilovemeggy38 yes I know. I’m not comparing the two of them. I’m just commenting on the chances of him sticking around if she did leave her DH.

IHateBakedBeans · 31/01/2025 08:56

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 08:35

The abuse towards the op is awful. She’s not fair game for the anger some of you feel towards your own cheating spouses.

Basically everything on MN is excusable apart from affairs. The vitriol is something else.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 31/01/2025 08:59

It’s the ultimate get-out for women (and it is generally attributed to women) to behave in the most appalling manner.

You only have to look at some of the threads on here. In this instance it’s a woman cheating on her husband and expecting sympathy, clearly she has mental health problems, and all someone has to do is to utter the words “mental health” and they’re given a get out card.

But it’s actually far worse than that. Even women who murder their children the justifiers will usually come on to the threads and say “she must have had mental health issues.”

these boards are full of posters whose partners have mental health issues and the advice is that they should seek help or the OP should leave.

I actually know someone who was the OW for something like 40 years, and the line the husband fed her was that his wife had mental health problems and had threatened to harm herself and the children if he dared to leave, so he stayed, even after the children had grown up and left home. And even after the wife died, surprise surprise, they never became an official couple, even though she’d had a child with him and everything.

I agree that actually entering an affair isn’t black and white, and I actually think that everyone has it in them to cheat. But that doesn’t make it justified, or excusable, and if you do then you have to own it.

Gloriia · 31/01/2025 09:00

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 08:45

There isn't any abuse, rather revulsion that all she is bothered about is giving up her grubby fling because her poor dh annoyingly has cancer.

Yes there is. If people are so revolted and triggered they should have scrolled on by.

So if a man posted 'my wife doesn't t understand me, so ive been having a fling for years, my wife annoyingly now has cancer and I'm so upset that I'll have to end my lovely fling and pretend to be a supportive nice husband' we should scroll on by that too?

If you canvas opinions then that is what you'll get. Both those encouraging and those saying 'no that is terrible'.

I haven't seen any abuse, and I certainly don't agree with being abusive but honest down to earth criticism of what is an awful situation isn't a bad thing.

Hopefully the op has realised she must be honest with her dh and give him the option of getting rid of her so he can just be surrounded be those who love him. I know that's what I'd want.

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 09:09

So if a man posted 'my wife doesn't t understand me, so ive been having a fling for years, my wife annoyingly now has cancer and I'm so upset that I'll have to end my lovely fling and pretend to be a supportive nice husband' we should scroll on by that too?

And if I was a horse I’d have four legs. I don’t understand what point you’re trying to make by doing whataboutery. But yes, if threads make you upset, regardless of the sex of the poster you should just keep scrolling.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 31/01/2025 09:15

Nobody has abused the OP, unless you think that pointing out to someone that it’s appalling to only want to give up your fling because the person you’re cheating on has cancer is abuse.

If anything especially the first few posters have outright justified the affair, down to posters saying that the OP shouldn’t give up the OM because if the husband dies then she’ll have no-one. Seriously if there is a low to be exposed here that’s it.

It’s not wrong to tell someone that having an affair is wrong, and that the person you’re deceiving having cancer doesn’t make you a victim.

It bloody well is wrong to tell someone to keep the affair going because if the person you’re cheating on dies then you’ll have no-one.

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 09:29

I think cunt is an abusive word. Don’t you?

The op knows her affair is wrong. She says it repeatedly in her posts. She wanted help navigating her way forward.

Gloriia · 31/01/2025 09:40

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 09:09

So if a man posted 'my wife doesn't t understand me, so ive been having a fling for years, my wife annoyingly now has cancer and I'm so upset that I'll have to end my lovely fling and pretend to be a supportive nice husband' we should scroll on by that too?

And if I was a horse I’d have four legs. I don’t understand what point you’re trying to make by doing whataboutery. But yes, if threads make you upset, regardless of the sex of the poster you should just keep scrolling.

The horse whataboutery isn't comparable is it, a man doing the same is and we would all be telling him the same. Ive no idea why you think a lonely housewife feeling sorry for herself because her dh has cancer and it'll spoil her fun isn't something that warrants criticism. Criticism is not abuse.

I'm not upset just sharing my opinion which is what you get when you post on a public forum.

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 09:48

The op was very clear she didn’t want criticism and judgement.

Gloriia · 31/01/2025 09:49

'She wanted help navigating her way forward'

The way forward is to come clean to her dh. Allow him to surround himself with those he trusts at such a difficult time. Allow him to decide if his Will needs altering to protect his kids.

If the dh wants to forgive and they can find a way forward fine but he deserves the truth regardless of everything else he is coping with.

Secondstart1001 · 31/01/2025 09:54

egginthebun · 31/01/2025 07:37

I work in mental health and this lady worried me so I have PM'd her. I've spoke to her at length...she has gave me permission to make this known.
She has lead a very isolated life due to her mental health which has left her very much alone.
Her story is not as cut and dried as you all think it is. She kept her post pretty brief considering.
As someone has already said, we won't be seeing her on here again.
Have a nice day ladies and be thankful for what we have, believe me, some people would love to be in our positions.

It’s really good you reached out. Wishing her all the best.

Gloriia · 31/01/2025 10:00

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 09:48

The op was very clear she didn’t want criticism and judgement.

Thing is you can't control that on a forum. It'd be like someone saying they used the disabled toilets as they were in a rush but don't want criticism or judgement, or a mil saying she doesn't like her dil for no good reason but doesn't want criticism or judgement. Unless posting on a private blog you will get judgement when behaving in certain ways.

As long as posting within TGs then I'm sorry, but people are entitled to their opinions.