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Original poster

Converted to Islam for him, then we split. Feeling lost and alone.

101 replies

augustblooms · 26/01/2025 19:59

No idea what I'm expecting here in terms of advice tbh.
I was involved with a man who I regarded as my soulmate, things were looking serious. We talked about marriage and the future.
He was from a Muslim background in the Middle East. I'd always been interested in his religion (Islam) and had been studying it. After a couple of years with him, I took the step of converting. Everyone in my family and friends were supportive as they knew it was my choice. There was never any pressure from him.
After converting, we scaled back on the physical side of things and both said it would be best to get married. I was all for this, loved him to bits and wanted my life with him and believed he felt the time.
Unfortunately, his parents back home in his native country had other ideas and wanted an arranged marriage to someone of their choice... After months of trying to make them see reason, he wasn't strong enough to stand by me. So I ended our relationship as I could see it was going to end in tears.
I feel so alone in Islam now. I live in a small semi rural area with no mosque, no community to speak of and I've been shying away from wanting to move on. I feel at a crossroads. There's no chance of meeting a Muslim man here. I feel so lost without him, although I feel ending it with him was the right thing to do as he'd never go against his parents' wishes. Even though he was almost 30 and well-educated.

OP posts:
DollyDaisyb · 26/01/2025 20:20

A big dowry will have been paid "back home* to his family from another.

Essentially one family has paid another family a lot of money to get their daughter to a western country.

OneDenimRobin · 26/01/2025 20:24

Take some time to be single and focus on yourself. Figure out what you want and what you believe.

TruthfullyIDK · 26/01/2025 20:24

@DollyDaisyb Thats not Middle East Muslims they don't pay dowry to the man that's more a south Asian tradition.

Op: if you want to stay Muslim you can join Muslim communities online including muzmatch to meet a husband. If you're not moving and staying Muslim look to build support online.

MooFroo · 26/01/2025 20:30

DollyDaisyb · 26/01/2025 20:20

A big dowry will have been paid "back home* to his family from another.

Essentially one family has paid another family a lot of money to get their daughter to a western country.

What a load of rubbish @DollyDaisyb 🤣🤣

@augustblooms so sorry to hear this, hope you’re looking after yourself. Lots of faith groups and events online - check Eventbrite, Facebook etc

you can search for revert or new muslim
groups online - you’ll definitely get some support and friendships there

good luck!

Original poster
augustblooms · 26/01/2025 20:31

I'm no so much looking for a husband.. It will take me a long time to get over losing him. He was the first man I ever really loved and imagined a life with. I'm just feeling a bit isolated in terms of being "the only Muslim in the village" so to speak. It's a small and very "white", middle-class community. My ex and I met at uni in a big city, where it's more common to see other Muslims and different nationalities.
I'm feeling so many different things, feel like he's thrown me under the bus. I made so much effort and sacrifice for him, changed my whole way of life and even aspects of my diet and appearance. Yet he couldn't even just stand up for me (with his parents) when it mattered. He claimed to be in love with me (I was his first), yet didn't feel able to have any firm discussion with his parents about marrying me and going through with it.
I feel that being Muslim, this would put non-Muslim men totally off me. Especially with all the negativity around the religion in the media and so on. I don't even have anyone to do Ramadan with, or even talk about the religion.

OP posts:
Kahless · 26/01/2025 20:33

Firstly, do you want to stay a Muslim? It sounds like you do., but it also sounds like you changed for him.

You need to get comfortable in your own skin before looking for someone to be your other half.

Take some time.

BobbyBiscuits · 26/01/2025 20:39

Would you date outside of islam? If so then I don't think it would put secular men off. It's true if they were devoutly Catholic, Jewish, Greek Orhodox, JW etc then they may well favour those of the same faith. But I certainly don't think your faith alone would turn people off if they were open minded or not strongly religious.

R053 · 26/01/2025 20:40

OneDenimRobin · 26/01/2025 20:24

Take some time to be single and focus on yourself. Figure out what you want and what you believe.

I think this is good advice. I was a Christian for a long time and saw many people converting (from a non religious background) because they were in love with someone at our church. I often wondered even as a teen if the relationship euphoria got conflated with their willingness to convert, because their conversions were much faster than for others not in a relationship with someone in the church. The latter people were slower and took their time.

This is a good opportunity to find out what you believe without this man around. Perhaps find a female only Islamic study group? Perhaps you can find a more relaxed group with more mixing between the sexes as well.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/01/2025 20:40

Do you have faith or was it for him?

TruthfullyIDK · 26/01/2025 20:42

I don't think Muslim women are allowed to marry non muslim men so not sure where putting them off comes from

VotingForYourself · 26/01/2025 20:42

Can you move?

JamTartLover · 26/01/2025 20:42

There are charities that help support converts/reverts. There's one called New Beginnings which may be helpful for you to get some support and meet new people who understand what you are going through.

I'm glad that you aren't jumping into a new relationship as I think you need time to adjust and understand what Islam means to you and how you want to practice it.

There is a Muslim board on Mumsnet which is also helpful if you wanted to post there.

SpunkyAmberReader · 26/01/2025 20:48

It seens like you converted for him. Do you want to remain a Muslim?

justasmalltownmum · 26/01/2025 20:51

You keep saying you changed for him.
You should change for yourself and God. Not him. Then you will be at peace.

OneDenimRobin · 26/01/2025 20:51

I made so much effort and sacrifice for him, changed my whole way of life and even aspects of my diet and appearance.

Now you’ve got the time and space to think about what’s right for you. If you want to dress a certain way and live a certain way, it should be for yourself and because of your beliefs, not to please a man. You have to find your own path.

Ffutv · 26/01/2025 20:52

I’m a revert. I found this charity helpful www.solaceuk.org/

Rosieposiecosy · 26/01/2025 20:59

MooFroo · 26/01/2025 20:30

What a load of rubbish @DollyDaisyb 🤣🤣

@augustblooms so sorry to hear this, hope you’re looking after yourself. Lots of faith groups and events online - check Eventbrite, Facebook etc

you can search for revert or new muslim
groups online - you’ll definitely get some support and friendships there

good luck!

Show quote history

It’s not rubbish at all, it happened to my ex when he just 18 years old, he didn’t want to marry a stranger but the pressure was intense, and a huge sum of money was paid out, around £100,000 which was even more back then. His dad needed the money so essentially sold his son so that this woman could come over and have a life in the Uk. It all ended in tears eventually, sadly for all of them. It’s incredibly common and unless you have experience of the culture, then why comment?

LovelyCuppyTea · 26/01/2025 20:59

I don’t get the whole thing of cenverting to a religion for someone else. Surely you either believe it or you don’t? If you still believe then what’s the issue?

Rosieposiecosy · 26/01/2025 21:01

BobbyBiscuits · 26/01/2025 20:39

Would you date outside of islam? If so then I don't think it would put secular men off. It's true if they were devoutly Catholic, Jewish, Greek Orhodox, JW etc then they may well favour those of the same faith. But I certainly don't think your faith alone would turn people off if they were open minded or not strongly religious.

Edited

In Islam, Muslim women are not allowed to marry non Muslims men. Muslim men may marry non Muslim women, as long as they are a chaste Christian or Jew, with the children being raised muslim.

Jillfi · 26/01/2025 21:05

I would take some time for yourself first OP. Reconnect with your family and friends.

godmum56 · 26/01/2025 21:06

I do think that you need to think about YOU and which religion is right for you. You have said you "changed for him" Its not a good basis for taking on a faith.

Banyon · 26/01/2025 21:13

Consider his family it was more about shared culture than religion. So can tell self it’s not a Muslim issue. It’s a culture issue.

You did it for him, now you are a believer. What would you do if you now met Mr perfect and he was another religion?

What’s the priority for you - a relationship and family. And you or he, change to share religion

Or religion first, then relationship and family?

Or move to a Muslim place.

Colddayhotcuppa · 26/01/2025 21:14

Hi op. I am Muslim. really sorry to hear you're going through this. I am in quite an isolated area where I am so your post resonated with me.

I have immense respect for you for ending things with this man. Do you have family for support irl? would you mind sharing what approximate area you're in, it might be easier to signpost you to Muslim services near you.

There is a Muslim board on MN, and there are women in similar situations. You could start a support thread for others who will be celebrating Ramadan alone.

I'm always happy to chat, please keep talking on here

NewHeaven · 26/01/2025 21:18

DollyDaisyb · 26/01/2025 20:20

A big dowry will have been paid "back home* to his family from another.

Essentially one family has paid another family a lot of money to get their daughter to a western country.

@DollyDaisyb In Islam, the man pays the dowry to the wife.

In the Hindu faith, the girl's family pays the dowry to the husband's family.

Zebedee999 · 26/01/2025 21:19

augustblooms · 26/01/2025 20:31

I'm no so much looking for a husband.. It will take me a long time to get over losing him. He was the first man I ever really loved and imagined a life with. I'm just feeling a bit isolated in terms of being "the only Muslim in the village" so to speak. It's a small and very "white", middle-class community. My ex and I met at uni in a big city, where it's more common to see other Muslims and different nationalities.
I'm feeling so many different things, feel like he's thrown me under the bus. I made so much effort and sacrifice for him, changed my whole way of life and even aspects of my diet and appearance. Yet he couldn't even just stand up for me (with his parents) when it mattered. He claimed to be in love with me (I was his first), yet didn't feel able to have any firm discussion with his parents about marrying me and going through with it.
I feel that being Muslim, this would put non-Muslim men totally off me. Especially with all the negativity around the religion in the media and so on. I don't even have anyone to do Ramadan with, or even talk about the religion.

Why not change religion again to one that is less misogynistic?