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Original poster

Converted to Islam for him, then we split. Feeling lost and alone.

101 replies

augustblooms · 26/01/2025 19:59

No idea what I'm expecting here in terms of advice tbh.
I was involved with a man who I regarded as my soulmate, things were looking serious. We talked about marriage and the future.
He was from a Muslim background in the Middle East. I'd always been interested in his religion (Islam) and had been studying it. After a couple of years with him, I took the step of converting. Everyone in my family and friends were supportive as they knew it was my choice. There was never any pressure from him.
After converting, we scaled back on the physical side of things and both said it would be best to get married. I was all for this, loved him to bits and wanted my life with him and believed he felt the time.
Unfortunately, his parents back home in his native country had other ideas and wanted an arranged marriage to someone of their choice... After months of trying to make them see reason, he wasn't strong enough to stand by me. So I ended our relationship as I could see it was going to end in tears.
I feel so alone in Islam now. I live in a small semi rural area with no mosque, no community to speak of and I've been shying away from wanting to move on. I feel at a crossroads. There's no chance of meeting a Muslim man here. I feel so lost without him, although I feel ending it with him was the right thing to do as he'd never go against his parents' wishes. Even though he was almost 30 and well-educated.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 26/01/2025 23:33

Well thank goodness you found all this out before you actually did marry him. He didn't have the strength to stand up to his family and would've made a really bad husband because of that. You had a very narrow escape.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/01/2025 01:40

@Rosieposiecosy it depends how devout the person is. I have Muslim friends who date secular men. But they are not very heavily practicing. OP might or might not want to date other faiths. It's up to the individual really.

dottypencilcase · 27/01/2025 08:15

Wtf @Rosieposiecosy and @DollyDaisyb - that sounds like anything but religious. Stop making shit up and painting it as Islam. Regards, a Muslim (who wasn't sold to the highest bidder for marriage)

Nessastats · 27/01/2025 08:30

Either you converted because you believe it, or you did it for him. If you only did it for him, then convert back. If you did it because you believe it, stop framing it as a grand sacrifice you made for him and own the fact that you made the decision you felt was right for you, irrespective of him.

Hoppinggreen · 27/01/2025 08:30

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 26/01/2025 22:45

OP is a convert, not a revert, but your argument holds for both.

Show quote history

A Revert is what Muslims call someone who converts to Islam, I believe it is becaus ethey believe that we are all actually born Muslim

Naunet · 27/01/2025 08:37

I made so much effort and sacrifice for him, changed my whole way of life and even aspects of my diet and appearance

Well, that's incredibly unhealthy, why would you do that? Do you not feel good enough as you are? What aspects of your appearance did you change?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 27/01/2025 08:44

Kahless · 26/01/2025 20:33

Firstly, do you want to stay a Muslim? It sounds like you do., but it also sounds like you changed for him.

You need to get comfortable in your own skin before looking for someone to be your other half.

Take some time.

Absolutely.
if you want to remain and grow in this faith you might consider moving close to a mosque and being part of an active community.
Or you could stay put and see how you feel as the pain of losing this man and knowing he didn’t stand up for you , gradually fades.

NorthernLights5 · 27/01/2025 08:49

So you reverted "for him" and made sacrifices for him. What did he do for you? I'm Christian and my partner is Muslim but we're both liberal, we respect each other's relationship with God and we hold the same values. If we have different views on something we talk about it like anyone else. Neither of us would expect the other to convert or revert. Also, Muslim men can marry Christian women.

DollyDaisyb · 27/01/2025 08:49

I don't get the problem.. you pretended to believe in some fictional supernatural entity for benefit of another person brainwashed from birth.

You're not with the person anymore so you don't need to pretend anymore.

EmmaMaria · 27/01/2025 09:01

I think that it would be kinder, and wiser, if people would stop criticising the OP's chosen faith. She made it clear that she was interested in Islam previous to the relationship and converted during the relationship. It was a choice freely made. If she wishes to reconsider her faith that is her choice, but she didn't ask if she should, and frankly some of the comments here are out of order and occasionally pretty nasty.

Mirabai · 27/01/2025 09:03

Well God is God imo. If there are no mosques nearby go to a church instead.

Sassybooklover · 27/01/2025 09:08

From what I understand it's not uncommon for a Muslim man to be involved with a non-Muslim or as in your case a convert and his family want an arranged married with a Muslim woman of their choosing. I find it hard to believe that these men don't know that eventually they will be having an arranged marriage. It's almost like a 'bit of fun' before they have to marry a stranger (in some cases), settle to married life and provide heirs. It's unfortunate for the poor non-Muslim or concert woman, who is then left to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. I suspect it's very rare for a Muslim man to go against his families wishes, especially for a non-Muslim or concert. You need to put aside your religion and take time for yourself, and decide what's best for YOU. You shouldn't change yourself to fit in with another person either, because you're not making those changes for the correct reasons. You've learnt a valuable lesson the hard way - if you do want to get involved with a Muslim man again, make sure he's available long-term and meet the family. When family live abroad, he can tell you anything, it doesn't make it true. A man who doesn't want you to meet his family/friends, should raise red flags.

Examconfusion · 27/01/2025 09:16

Tentententhen · 26/01/2025 22:48

“After converting, we scaled back on the physical side of things and both said it would be best to get married”. You have highlighted the inexplicable ability of so called religious people to break the tenets of their faith. So it was fine for him to have sex outside of marriage with a non Muslim woman but not with a Muslim one? You converted for him and you still weren’t good enough. Surely faith should be a personal decision between you and god and not determined by being in a relationship with someone? Perhaps it’s time to take a break, embrace singledom and learn a bit more about yourself so you can go whole into another relationship…whatever their religious beliefs, your values should match and support each other .

Yuck. What a scumbag.

LovelyCuppyTea · 27/01/2025 09:21

I suppose for me it’s like saying “When I met my boyfriend I pretended to love football, because it was really important to him that we had a shared interest, but he’s dumped me now and I’m fed up because I’m now stuck having to watch football on tv and go to matches” 🤷‍♀️

Mirabai · 27/01/2025 09:24

LovelyCuppyTea · 27/01/2025 09:21

I suppose for me it’s like saying “When I met my boyfriend I pretended to love football, because it was really important to him that we had a shared interest, but he’s dumped me now and I’m fed up because I’m now stuck having to watch football on tv and go to matches” 🤷‍♀️

Right. And I can’t watch rugby.

Naunet · 27/01/2025 09:34

Sorry, wrong thread!

unstableunicorn · 27/01/2025 09:39

DollyDaisyb · 26/01/2025 22:08

People are so ignorant gullible and naive.

Traditional goes out the window when residency in the United Kingdom is on the table. Getting over here is like winning the lottery for them.

A large sum of money will be involved and it will go to his family in exchange for her getting over here.

I'm sorry that happened to your friend, and it does happen in some cases it's true but it shouldn't be the default assumption. In Islamic ruling the man pays an agreed on sum to the bride (mehr) as a safety net in case he leaves/ divorce etc. Just because you've seen it happen once didn't mean you should always assume the worst. Even if it's true focusing solely on that isn't really helpful to OP is it?

OP, I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this, are you interested in remaining Muslim? I know it can be incredibly isolating, but there's lots of online groups. Whatever you decide, just take it easy at your own pace, maybe take this time to reconnect with your friends and family, focus on yourself, and then you can think about your relationship with religion on your terms uninfluenced by anyone else. You don't have to make any big decisions all at once either way, whether you stay or leave Islam. Maybe continue reading about Islam and thinking about what parts resonate with you and take it from there? Also in future if you meet any Muslim men ask upfront what their families expect from them and if they would accept an interracial marriage to avoid time wasters. Family pressure to start within the culture can be very intense, you probably had a lucky escape tbh and good on you for ending it and not drawing out this whole mess like he likely would've done

Rosieposiecosy · 27/01/2025 09:43

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Rosieposiecosy · 27/01/2025 09:47

EmmaMaria · 27/01/2025 09:01

I think that it would be kinder, and wiser, if people would stop criticising the OP's chosen faith. She made it clear that she was interested in Islam previous to the relationship and converted during the relationship. It was a choice freely made. If she wishes to reconsider her faith that is her choice, but she didn't ask if she should, and frankly some of the comments here are out of order and occasionally pretty nasty.

No she made clear she converted for him, and now feels lost. She made sacrifices and realised he was actually not going to marry her, very common, happens all the time. No need to stay in Islam when majority of its meaning to you was wrapped up in that man (also very common for female converts to Islam) I don’t say ‘revert’ because I’m not a Muslim, to say revert acknowledges the warped view that we are all Muslim from birth and simply came back to it. As that’s not true, the word that should be used by those who don’t affirm the doctrine of Islam, is convert.

Winterskyfall · 27/01/2025 09:57

"I'm feeling so many different things, feel like he's thrown me under the bus. I made so much effort and sacrifice for him, changed my whole way of life and even aspects of my diet and appearance. Yet he couldn't even just stand up for me (with his parents) when it mattered."

OP I think you need to spend some time doing serious work on yourself. You shouldn't have to make so much effort, sacrifice, change aspects of diet and appearance for anyone. It is fine if you want to do these things but then they wouldn't be described as effort and sacrifice. If I were you I would be less worried about not having anyone nearby of the same religion and more worried about why I felt the need to do all of this for someone else. Relationships are a two way street and it sounds like this one was one way. It's never going to work out long term if that's what you are willing to accept because you can't give forever without becoming bitter about it eventually.

dottypencilcase · 27/01/2025 10:30

This reply has been deleted

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Wtf are you on about- women aren’t and never have been ‘chattel’ in Islam. It’s people like you peddling bullshit like this that causes hate crimes in society. Go back and educate yourself. You’re confusing white women in history being used as tools for battering with a religion you clearly know nothing about 😆

PhilomenaPunk · 27/01/2025 10:39

DollyDaisyb · 26/01/2025 20:20

A big dowry will have been paid "back home* to his family from another.

Essentially one family has paid another family a lot of money to get their daughter to a western country.

Racist much?

Mischance · 27/01/2025 11:14

It is so sad that religion is so divisive. You converted for this man and now he has gone. Please simply get on with your life and let the religion aspect go. He has shown his hypocrisy - happy to bed you when you were a mere pagan, but not when you converted. That is a very unacceptable attitude to fellow human beings and one that you could choose to distance yourself from.

Go forward in your life, living with kindness and consideration for others and forget this label that you took on for him.

EmmaMaria · 27/01/2025 11:21

Rosieposiecosy · 27/01/2025 09:47

No she made clear she converted for him, and now feels lost. She made sacrifices and realised he was actually not going to marry her, very common, happens all the time. No need to stay in Islam when majority of its meaning to you was wrapped up in that man (also very common for female converts to Islam) I don’t say ‘revert’ because I’m not a Muslim, to say revert acknowledges the warped view that we are all Muslim from birth and simply came back to it. As that’s not true, the word that should be used by those who don’t affirm the doctrine of Islam, is convert.

Show quote history

That is not what she said. What she said, if you read the post and not just the headline, was "I'd always been interested in his religion (Islam) and had been studying it. After a couple of years with him, I took the step of converting. Everyone in my family and friends were supportive as they knew it was my choice. There was never any pressure from him." Her post was that, living in an area which has few if any other Muslims, she felt isolated because of her faith. At no point anywhere did she suggest that she wished to abandon Islam. If she chooses to do so then she can ask for advice on that, but she didn't and frankly the number of posters who have chosen to tell her why her faith is "wrong" is very disturbing. This wasn't an opportunity nor an invitation to have a pop at Islam. Islam, like anythin else, exists in a spectrum and is not a "fixed" ideology that some people are making it out to be.

I am also not a Muslim and I don't presume to lecture Muslims on their choice of vocabulary. To do so is patronising and insulting.

OP, I very much doubt that you will ever get a nuanced discussion or much support on this site. There is a deep undercurrent of Islamophobia that runs throughout, as you can see from your thread. If you wish to reconsider your commitment to your faith, or to make contact with other Muslims, this is not the place to do it. Without knowing your location it's hard to make suggestions about where you might find people of like mind to speak to, but you could maybe start here... https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/What_We_Do_137_c.php

Muslim Women Network

Muslim Women Network

https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/What_We_Do_137_c.php

godmum56 · 27/01/2025 11:41

EmmaMaria · 27/01/2025 11:21

That is not what she said. What she said, if you read the post and not just the headline, was "I'd always been interested in his religion (Islam) and had been studying it. After a couple of years with him, I took the step of converting. Everyone in my family and friends were supportive as they knew it was my choice. There was never any pressure from him." Her post was that, living in an area which has few if any other Muslims, she felt isolated because of her faith. At no point anywhere did she suggest that she wished to abandon Islam. If she chooses to do so then she can ask for advice on that, but she didn't and frankly the number of posters who have chosen to tell her why her faith is "wrong" is very disturbing. This wasn't an opportunity nor an invitation to have a pop at Islam. Islam, like anythin else, exists in a spectrum and is not a "fixed" ideology that some people are making it out to be.

I am also not a Muslim and I don't presume to lecture Muslims on their choice of vocabulary. To do so is patronising and insulting.

OP, I very much doubt that you will ever get a nuanced discussion or much support on this site. There is a deep undercurrent of Islamophobia that runs throughout, as you can see from your thread. If you wish to reconsider your commitment to your faith, or to make contact with other Muslims, this is not the place to do it. Without knowing your location it's hard to make suggestions about where you might find people of like mind to speak to, but you could maybe start here... https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/What_We_Do_137_c.php

Show quote history

This is also what she said " I made so much effort and sacrifice for him, changed my whole way of life and even aspects of my diet and appearance." I haven't had a pop at Islam but when the OP HERSELF says that she did it "FOR HIM" I don't see how you can deny it. I have zero issues with people who practice Islam but I have to say that I do find the "revert" concept a little annoying.