Converted to Islam for him, then we split. Feeling lost and alone.

[augustblooms]

No idea what I'm expecting here in terms of advice tbh.
I was involved with a man who I regarded as my soulmate, things were looking serious. We talked about marriage and the future.
He was from a Muslim background in the Middle East. I'd always been interested in his religion (Islam) and had been studying it. After a couple of years with him, I took the step of converting. Everyone in my family and friends were supportive as they knew it was my choice. There was never any pressure from him.
After converting, we scaled back on the physical side of things and both said it would be best to get married. I was all for this, loved him to bits and wanted my life with him and believed he felt the time.
Unfortunately, his parents back home in his native country had other ideas and wanted an arranged marriage to someone of their choice... After months of trying to make them see reason, he wasn't strong enough to stand by me. So I ended our relationship as I could see it was going to end in tears.
I feel so alone in Islam now. I live in a small semi rural area with no mosque, no community to speak of and I've been shying away from wanting to move on. I feel at a crossroads. There's no chance of meeting a Muslim man here. I feel so lost without him, although I feel ending it with him was the right thing to do as he'd never go against his parents' wishes. Even though he was almost 30 and well-educated.

Not always, as I said, a huge sum of money was paid to my exes family for their daughter to marry into it, first and foremost to get her to the Uk, and secondly because of their family name. These types of negotiation are always between the families involved, and dependant on various factors

OP, of faith and God is important to you, then sincerely pray for the true God to make himself known to you. You have a fresh start now without this man, at least leaving has saved you a lot of potential future heartache. The future now is about finding the truth, and that’s not found through any man, but through communication with God.

Surely you converted to Islam because you believed the teachings? Please don't say you pretended to believe the teachings to get a man. If the former good for you and good luck in finding a congregation. If the latter you were never a Muslim so leave them in peace.

You say you were interested in Islam, studies it, decided to convert and he never pressured you. Then you say that this was a sacrifice you made for him.

So I guess you need to figure out first if this was something you did for him or you did for you.

@augustblooms Could you possibly find comfort in another religion ? Would this open up a new way of life for you. .May also help you let go of him.

@augustblooms The Muslim board is called Muslim mumsnetters, not sure how to link but you can Google

You say in your thread title that you converted ‘for him’ which makes it hard to know if you actually wanted to convert. It sounds like you made a lot of changes for him and it might be worth giving yourself some time to decide what you really want.

Dowry and dower are not the same thing.

The dower is settled upon the bride by her husband's family. In Islam, it is called mahr and it acts as a safety net for her if he leaves her. Dower can also refer to a trust set up by the groom to provide for the bride in her widowhood, and to a life interest in some of the groom's property that is settled on the bride to provide her with a dwelling in her widowhood.

Dowry is when the bride's family gift money, goods, or property to the groom or his family, or the bride's family give a gift to the bride herself. The British custom of the bride's family paying for the wedding is a hangover of dowry.

You say you changed for him rather than to follow a religion?
If that is the case then why are you remaining as you are? If you now feel you want to truely follow Islam then I am sure you can find groups not to far away you can join to find fellow Muslims.
However, if you did it so he would marry you he has now gone so don't feel you cant go back to your previous life if you want to.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/muslim-mumsnetters is the Muslim Mumsnetters board that several posters have mentioned.

I'm sorry for how your inlaws and ex-husband have treated you.

People are so ignorant gullible and naive.

Traditional goes out the window when residency in the United Kingdom is on the table. Getting over here is like winning the lottery for them.

A large sum of money will be involved and it will go to his family in exchange for her getting over here.

Once you were not a muslim and you can be that again. Just be you - ditch the label and live your life.

I don't doubt that her family will have paid his family far more than the value of the mahr for "matchmaking services". He's still meant to give his bride the mahr.

A woman "choosing" Islam
is basically a turkey voting for Christmas. The other religions aren't much better. I notice he didn't renounce his faith to be with you. That's because it gave him power over you. It is basically him saying "I spoke to God and he told me to tell you what to do". Don't worry another opportunist will be along to tell you what to do. The patriarchy may be a bit overdone but it's alive in religious circles. Just forget this happened and live your life.

Sorry you've gone through this. I'm of asian Muslim background and it's a common thing that happens - find dude who is into you and be Liberal together, then when it's time to get married dude will only do exactly what his family wants, which more often than not involves a more conservative partner. You get dipshits and fuckboy attitdues in all cultures, this is just one of our awful asian quirks.

I echo what others have said - take time for yourself and see how you feel about the conversion. You don't need to decide anything right now.

And next time there's a man on the horizon, have the marriage conversations first and make sure he and his family are all in before you make any more sacrifices. Men are just so very slippery.

Just to add - some families also don't love the idea of their sons marrying reverts. So be wise when you are next in a relationship with someone. Make sure you know that that person is actually available for long term, and that his parents won't put up roadworks that derails the whole thing. And he might think that 'his parents' would never have such backwards views, but you'd be surprised. Sometimes even the sons don't know exactly what prejudices their parents have before marriage conversations start, so push to have them early. No sense in you wasting your own time.

Sorry to hear your story OP, life can be a trial but take heart from knowing that we are never given more than we can bear and that after every hardship will come ease.

Do reach out on to online communities, there are people out there that want to help you.

OP is a convert, not a revert, but your argument holds for both.

“After converting, we scaled back on the physical side of things and both said it would be best to get married”. You have highlighted the inexplicable ability of so called religious people to break the tenets of their faith. So it was fine for him to have sex outside of marriage with a non Muslim woman but not with a Muslim one? You converted for him and you still weren’t good enough. Surely faith should be a personal decision between you and god and not determined by being in a relationship with someone? Perhaps it’s time to take a break, embrace singledom and learn a bit more about yourself so you can go whole into another relationship…whatever their religious beliefs, your values should match and support each other .

Just change back. It will make your life a lot less complicated. It sounds like you only converted for him.

Revert is a term used - rightly or wrongly! - for anyone becoming a Muslim, as the idea is we were all born to be Muslim (hope I've got that right).

You certainly need to focus on yourself and decide what it is that you want. Do you want to remain Muslim? Is there something binding you to the religion, other than your ex? You are right, you might find it difficult to find/date non Muslim men, but that entirely depends on how strictly you are following the religion, including dress habits. Of course, you could only look within the community itself, but that will come with its own issues, as you have experienced. You have just suffered a heartbreak, get better, cry, focus on each day and then you can plan next steps.

I made so much effort and sacrifice for him, changed my whole way of life and even aspects of my diet and appearance.

If you have to change basically everything about yourself to make a relationship work, then it's not a relationship you should be in.

I have little time for organised religion, so can't really comment on that other than to ask, what do you gain from it?

Just in case you need to hear this, if you decide to change back, you will be ok.

It was never really your choice so “unconvert”