DH wants sex again

[Nellyelephanty]

Have small children and I’m pregnant.

We had sex last night (I came and he didn’t as he’d had a few drinks), he wants sex again tonight. I said no and he’s upset, a bit pissed off.

He wants to schedule sex, I have no issue with that. I said once a week and again he’s not massively happy with that. I just feel pestered. He keeps saying how much he fancies me etc how pretty I am but I don’t think it’s that. He also says he needs sex to feel loved and connected. I think it’s reassurance and validation to him. It’s an ego thing

I feel worried because having sex with him doesn’t seem to stop him asking for it the next day (like I hope). If anything it just feeds the beast.

Help pls!!! He wasn’t always like this, before children we would have sex maybe 2-3 times a month

I felt really sad reading this. I don't think it's an ego thing for your DH, I think he sounds like he genuinely loves you and finds you very attractive and he loves all of the feelings of intimacy and sex with you, and how it makes him feel afterwards. It is, of course, then, understandable that he would want it whenever he can. It's sad to me that you don't see this as positive, because sex for you sounds like something you have to do out of duty. And him wanting you more after he's done it once is 'feeding the beast.' :( What's that beast? His desire for you?

I don't see men wanting sex as them being beasts, or me either. I would be super sad with 2-3 times a month, I would be very sad with once a week. I would be happy with on average 2 times a day. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to say that because to me, that is healthy and good. I also love the closeness and I don't think it is bestial to love that.

However, I totally understand that if you don't see it like that, then it feels annoying to you, and of course he can't pressurise you. You feel as you feel, and he must respect that.

Well yes- maybe it is part of it.

I’d say it’s about mis-matched libidos.

Op has every right to not want sex. Her DH is also allowed to want sex more often. Like everything, it’s about compromise. I don’t mean having sex when you really don’t want to, but there’s a space where you can have sex but not feel massively into it to start with,
but then you really enjoy it. Like many things in life ( sports, going to gym, going out, trying something new)

im late 40’s - admittedly in a new relationship where we regularly have sex a few times in a night. We don’t see each other every day, so it’s different from a couple living together.

we have sex about 5 times a week.

im divorced but even when things were bad with my ex, and had young DC, it was regular.

I’m saying this not to say you’re wrong OP, but to make you realise that your DH isn’t asking for anything OTT- 2-3 times a week is very average.

i know what its like to be pestered for sex - my ex was horrible after i had my first child. ( and i have a relatively high sex drive) but he wanted sex before id recovered from stitches 🤢

It’s horrible being pestered, but you can only resolve this through communication and having. Sex

I always have thought that a healthy loving committed relationship, should be holistic in that you as individuals and as a couple, would learn and grow, and give to each other, whatever support each needed.
Yes of course enjoyable sex with each other is important, but it shouldn't be the glue holding you together.
If one of the couple is seriously sick for a long time, and it's either physically too painful for instance , your relationship should be strong enough to then bring everything else into play, and to still enjoy each other but without the sex, for however long.
So if a person loses their hearing for example, the remaining senses then get stronger.

In ops case, it's not just a conversation about "how many times per week or month, it's the style of sexual (sex-coz it sure doesn't sound like love making) intercourse.
Maybe if op wasn't treated like a blow up doll without feelings both physical and emotional, she may well feel like sharing her body with him.
It's should be lovemaking, a physical and emotional way of expressing how much you feel about that person.

Op should not agree to have sex unwillingly.
Op shouldn't feel bad about that at all, no matter if pregnant or not....
I really don't get it, I would HATE to be with my love, and he's only agreeing to have sex to "please me".

Op, when the two of you can chat without the pressure of being in bed together, you really need to convey to this person, how you feel, what you want.
Obviously he will have his wants too, but try to explain that you can't become physically available at his demands.

Why on Earth he can't see that his approach is not conducive to op even thinking of "complying", is beyond me.

Got a feeling that with some guys, it's sheer laziness, and disrespect to the person they are supposed to love above all others.

How can you have that experience and still say she's the problem?

Im Not saying she’s the problem. But neither is her DH.

i get it’s horrible to be pestered, but I do t think her DH is awful to want it 2-3 times a month. That isn’t enough for me. I wouldn’t be in a relationship where that was considered an acceptable amount of sex if there was nothing else going on. ( obviously poor health, stress, workload can make that the reality)

You haven't read the thread have you.

You communicate your desires with him. Your sex drive does sounds quite low, but then I’m not surprised if it’s “jack hammer style” and you’re not really finding connection. If you enjoyed sex more, maybe you’d like it more often? I always feel like the more sex me and DH have, the more I want it. We tend to go 2 weeks a month of having it 3-5 times a weeks, then maybe once more for next 2 weeks (usually when I’m pre menstrual and a moody cow 😅).

Hopefully you both find a way to keep other happy.

You don't have a good relationship with sex either if you think it's something you 'enjoy once you do it's like going to the gym. Never mind the stitches comment.

It's not all about you! You said you came so the jack hammering can't be that unpleasant! "Feels like you've just eaten a meal and someone is offering you another" , while your hungry partner just watched you stuff your face and he only got a few left over crumbs! If you love him surely you want him to be happy. A chat about what turns you on (and off) could result in a compromise that makes you both happy.

Sorry OP but sex isn’t a reward for good behaviour. How messed up is that?

Please god I hope you don't have a daughter.

Tell him that a sulking man baby is EXTREMELY unattractive.

Remind him you're busy growing the brand new, complete human being he impregnated you with, so deal with it and go take a shower.

I’d be pretty pissed off if mine and DH’s sex drives were well aligned, and then as soon as we had kids he started excessively wanking and becoming a massive sex pest! How grim and unattractive. He’s moved the goal posts, you have absolutely no requirement whatsoever to bow to his commands.

Sex isn’t a compromise. If she doesn’t want it she doesn’t want it. It’s called consent, not compromise.

Its scary people stil need told this.

You are completely mis reading my comments.
wilfully I’d say.

i refused to have sex with a former partner who pestered me for sex soon after giving birth. I was also exhausted with a young baby, so it didn’t happen at all. In that way, I understand where OP is coming from. If she’s pregnant,
she may not feel like it. Fair enough.

but in long term, 2-3 months is not enough for me. That’s my libido. I’m not saying op is wrong for only wanting that frequency of sex

I’d say @UnicornWorld you have the unhealthy attitude if you think everyone should have the same libido.

I personally want sex every night I share a bed with my partner. I enjoy it.

the ‘going to the gym’ comment refers to something that is widely discussed- not just by me and my friends but many relationship experts. Very often a partner initiates sex but you initially don’t feel massively in the mood. However, the more you go with it, the more you realise that actually you ARE in the mood. ( im talking kissing and touching) I’m basically saying that you don’t need to only have sex at the times when you are already horny.

and it comes down to same thing- the problems stem from
mis matched libidos and lack of communication

The reason your comments are being misunderstood is because even you can't make your own mind up.

What ? Because sometimes I like sex and sometimes I don’t?

give it a rest.

what exactly cant I make my mind up about?

not everyone can only see one side of an argument- some of us have brains.

the comments are only misunderstood by you

Cool.

👍

I’ve experienced going along with it and getting in the mood. But I’d struggle to do more than tolerate the occasional jack hammering. Especially if I were pregnant.

The reason I can “get in the mood” when I don’t start that way is because I have a partner who is attentive to my needs and desires, and knows what he’s about. Who is intimate and affectionate in ways unconnected to sex. And takes no for an answer with good grace.

It’s really not the op’s libido that’s the issue here.

The problem is a porn-addled, steroid dabbling, selfish, entitled partner.

Agree - the Jackhammering sounds grim.

I suppose that’s where the communication comes in though. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of talking about this going on.

Apologies

How about the fact that something has changed his libido?

The fact he now watches porn (daily?)
The fact that he now 'jackhammers' (porn?)
The probable fact he's taking steroids?

And that she's pregnant!