Walk away wife syndrome?

[Dinkiedoo]

I give up . I feel like I live alone.
I had to retire on health grounds which husband fully supported. He still works. He works long hours. 12 hour days but he doesn't do much else. I cook I clean I do laundry.

When he gets in we sit and watch TV which is fair enough as he tired.
But on days off we do nothing together. He disappeares into other room to pursue his hobby or mess around on computer.
I've checked computer and there's nothing untoward. Same as phone.
We had words about this month's ago ....us not doing anything together but nothings changed.
So I just get on with my own thing and leave him to it.
We barely speak and to be honest I can't be arsed now.
No sex for months now. Neither of us initiate now. Also can't be arsed.
We won't divorce as house isn't worth that much. Needs a bit of work too.....which he doesn't do either btw . Last decoration jobs done by me !
We have got a holiday booked but he will probably spend that reading or drinking.
I even feel alone on holiday .
It's not a way to live I know but there's no escape.

What about your hobbies and friends?

I'm in a similar position health wise but got fed up going red mist about stuff I no longer care.

I've made more of an effort to sort myself out socially and have time away planned with friends etc

If you can't walk away, then at least value yourself enough to promote your own happiness

You can choose to divorce and enjoy life or stay miserable. There's nothing keeping you trapped.
Are you only staying with him because you wouldn't be able to afford to house yourself?
You could open the marriage and date other men, develop hobbies and friendships, holiday alone or with friends.

You are keeping you trapped. Stating you won’t divorce because the house is not worth that much is no reason not to get divorced. Your life won’t get any easier if you stay with him and you’ll be ever more miserable. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Sorry but if you're not working at all and he is working 12 hours days then no, in my mind he shouldn't be cooking or cleaning.

I don't understand why you have listed everything that's wrong and how unhappy you are but then say there is no escape? Of course there is. People leave far worse situations all the time.

I'd leave, sounds very boring. Do you have friend/DCs you can go out with? or go on hols wtih?

What are you doing, that you enjoy?

What would you like to do more, if you and he were to switch off the TV? Have friends over? Talk about your days? Find a shared exercise / interest?

Do you see much of your friends, during the day or at night?

Are there any types of work - voluntary / paid - or crafts that you could do, during the day?

12 hours is a long shift.

I wonder if you can refocus the parts of your life without him, because it sounds like he won’t change at all.

Before doing anything drastic in regards to you marriage I would first try to make your life more interesting yourself. Were you happy with the way you and your husband spent time together before you retired? Is it the same or has it changed?

While he is at work you say you cook, clean and do laundry. Sounds very dull. Do you meet up with friends? Do you have a hobby? Do you have a pet? Can you join any exercise classes, swim etc?

Join social groups. Do lots of things to keep yourself busy, socialise, meet new people, learn new skills, find voluntary work you could do. The problem might not be your marriage, just that you are bored with your uneventful retired life, then expect too much from your husband to be your main source of entertainment and socialising.

So what do you do to improve things. What happens when you plan days out or when you suggest activities to do together or when you initiate sex etc?

The basic balance of he works and financially supports the family (12 hour days?) and you do the cooking and cleaning and laundry (a couple of hours a day max?) seems very strongly weighted in your favour, so presumably you have plenty of time to pursue your own hobbies and interests plus make suggestions and plans for things that you can do together.

You seem very passive and as if you think it's up to your DH to entertain you, whilst you don't put any effort into anything.

If you want to reconnect (and it’s fine not to want that), you could try sitting with him while he’s messing about on the computer and chatting about it.

I make an effort to watch some of DH’s you tube shows. Years ago I’d have sat and watched a movie on tv with him even if I wasn’t 100% interested and I feel that the culture of individual screens and personalised feeds leads to disconnection.

I’m not always interested in watching what he wants to watch, but I’m interested in him and his opinions. Presumably at one point you found your dh interesting too. We don’t have to share identical interests but it can take an effort to keep in touch with each other in this increasingly digital age.

I’ll be the first to admit that dh doesn’t make reciprocal effort to watch things I like, but he connects with me in other ways.

The other thing I’d say is that it can be better to start small - go on dates that give you both a chance to talk about something other than your dissatisfaction with each other/life (rather than trying to make him change everything about how you’re living right now) It’s very easy to get into a rut where most of your communication is a demand or a complaint. Don’t set up dates just to talk though - find something interesting to give you something to talk about. Live music is absolutely brilliant for making you feel young and alive, and you can talk about the band all the way home.

Staying in a miserable relationship because your house needs a bit of work? I don't get it. Why waste your life over a house. People are strange.

I dont see why you cant make a project of decorating the house ? I did mine just after I retired it takes longer than a professional but it's rewarding. I do pilates 3 times per week, walk.the dog every day and meet up with friends at least 1 day per week .I did some volunteering but wasn't very keen on the particular charity so now work a couple of days a week but on a casual basis so can easily.cancel for holidays etc .We go to quizzes comedy nights and shows together also holiday together so that enough together stuff ! Basically I dont depend on my DH for entertainment! I think that's healthy .

List what you want from life them plan how you can get all of that from life

have you had house valued may be worth more than you think ?
can you divorce but stay living together ?
therapy ?
maybe you are / he is depressed ?

I disagree with the idea that a person shouldn't do ANY housekeeping just because they work long hours. Work is tiring and demanding, yes, and they deserve plenty of rest and downtime, but housework is literally never ending, especially if only one person in the house is responsible for it. If this DH didn't have a spouse at home, he'd have to do his housework. She's not a round the clock servant just because she doesn't work outside the home. I definitely get on board with it being proportional, i.e. OP doing more housekeeping than her partner, but not literally all of it. No way.

We can't get all our needs met by the man in our lives, thats what our girlfriends are for.

When someone works 12 hour days and is getting on in years they need time to decompress. How old is he? Does his job involve interacting with people? Who are mostly horrible demanding people in the UK now?

How was it before you retired?

Lots of stuff deleted, was it offensive?
Odd.
Solidarity, OP.
Can't you get an apartment, divorce and live your own life?
I mean, if you already feel alone in your marriage, imagine not having the burden of your husband....
Freedom!

If you're financially secure with the retirement payments, I'd be lookin to exit.

I'd do it strategically and gradually and I'd be prepared he might pull the rug anyway. It depends on age but I find it hard to believe most men haven't got something tickling their fancy in some way.

Whilst putting cash aside and looking at getting the house sorted ( 12 hour work, surely he can afford to get someone in).

Look at any single hobby at all for you alone that might get you out. If your healthy doesn't allow then an online group.

It's so difficult. There's got to be so much going on in his mind that you probably aren't aware of.

I agree with what others are saying.

If you're not in the frame of mind now (or ever) to actively pursue a separation or divorce, you need to look at your own life and how to improve it.

In terms of your own relationship - can you suggest things to book / schedule in?

If he won't engage on the things you want to do, you need to give yourself permission to go and do them anyway.

So, you want to have a look round a National Trust property? Go! Tell him you're going and offer that he can go with you. If he won't - go anyway.

Your life around just looking after the house would be dull and monotonous for anyone. I would look to find a hobby of your own. There are lots of meetup groups around, or you could look to maybe volunteer somewhere (if that is something you're able to do, given you medically retired).

If he's unable or unwilling to share his life with you - don't punish yourself by not living your own life.

My parents’ marriage - dad still works, mom does not, 4 grown kids but no grandkids yet (as far as they know - I’m 4 weeks pregnant!) - improved dramatically when my mom found a group of other women who were retired or had been SAHMs of grown kids. She started playing pickleball regularly (we’re American, it’s absurdly popular over here - mot sure if it’s as widespread everywhere) and going out to lunch and other activities while dad was at work. It made her much less bored, especially when he works long hours.

Something like that might be helpful for you - she found it through the Meetup app. You sound bored - understandably - and that may be making you resentful, especially if your husband isn’t intentionally being a jerk and is just tired like my dad often is.

I had one of these. On weekends he'd get up at 2pm and spend the rest of the day playing video games in the corner of the room with his back to me.

Going on holiday, he'd get out his Walkman (30yrs ago lol). He'd listen to music and ignore me for the whole flight and much of the holiday as well.

It was soul destroying. I was very young though. If that was today, I'd drop kick the twat into the recycling bin.

I met someone else and ended this 7 year relationship by text. He brought the last of my stuff over from his place. He cried asked if we could go for a drink. I said that he should have been asking that during the relationship not now it's that it's over.

I left the snivelling little shit in the street and never gave him a second thought.

I'd probably want a bit of time to do my own thing if I was working 12-hour days. Is he around people when he's working? Maybe he just needs a bit of time on his own now and again. If you're home alone all day then perhaps you feel a bit lonely and want company when he's home, but maybe he's drained from working long hours and just wants a bit of silence and a chance to do something alone. I would go insane if I didn't have time to do my own thing.

Don't you have friends or hobbies?

I don't think OP is going to reply, but if I did 12 hour days I wouldn't move an inch when I got home. I don't even think I'd survive one full shift! Sounds hellish.