Walk away wife syndrome?

[Dinkiedoo]

I give up . I feel like I live alone.
I had to retire on health grounds which husband fully supported. He still works. He works long hours. 12 hour days but he doesn't do much else. I cook I clean I do laundry.

When he gets in we sit and watch TV which is fair enough as he tired.
But on days off we do nothing together. He disappeares into other room to pursue his hobby or mess around on computer.
I've checked computer and there's nothing untoward. Same as phone.
We had words about this month's ago ....us not doing anything together but nothings changed.
So I just get on with my own thing and leave him to it.
We barely speak and to be honest I can't be arsed now.
No sex for months now. Neither of us initiate now. Also can't be arsed.
We won't divorce as house isn't worth that much. Needs a bit of work too.....which he doesn't do either btw . Last decoration jobs done by me !
We have got a holiday booked but he will probably spend that reading or drinking.
I even feel alone on holiday .
It's not a way to live I know but there's no escape.

Yes . I'd love to go out on one of his days off even just for a walk or a cuppa. Maybe a date night. He gets 4 days off and we do nothing together.

I am boring on now, but I think it's very important for mid-life empty nester women to find a passion of their own.

I work, but not as long hours as my DH so I do a ton of things on my own as he needs to decompress alone.

I solo travel, even in dodgy countries
I am in a choir and a book club
I have a creative side hustle.
I walk and hike and swim.

You have become his house maid. You need to either stop doing all his chores and laundry and live your own life, or accept it’s over and move out. He can’t have it both ways and right now he does!

It was the same when I worked. I did 10 hour shifts usually without a break or lunch. Very tiring . We were like ships passing in the night.
I became very ill as a consequence and had to retire

Why do t you decorate the house then? Or do hobbies. Or have friends?

This is reasonable enough. We still do this.
I would ask him nicely.

This changes things. I think you have had a hard time on this thread (including from me) thinking that he was working many more days/hours.

He works 3x12 hour shifts, so a full time job compressed into 3 days. On those days I’m sure he is absolutely knackered and I’m sure you don’t expect anything from him on those days.

But if he has 4 full days of free time a week, but does nothing with you in that time, then yes there is a serious problem and I can totally see why this would upset you.

What does he say if you arrange and book nice things for you to do together on those days? Will he join in if you organise, or does he moan and try to get out of it?

I don't think you can expect him to decorate. DH doesnt. For house repairs we get someone in as neither of us can be arsed.

If you said "right, we're going out tonight – meet me at xx pub/restaurant after work" how would he react? My OH sounds quite similar in that he sometimes needs to be cattle-prodded to do stuff with me, but he always leaps when I suggest it (in fact, we're doing after-work pub drinks tonight for that very reason!). Then it inspires him to book something further down the line. But I do feel it's as much my responsibility to break out of the humdrum weekly routine as it is his. Life can be v. boring sometimes!

And do you mind telling us how old you both are @Dinkiedoo ?

Look at it from his point of view. He works massively long hours and comes home to a wife who has had little or no interaction all day and expects him to provide the stimulus in her life. It's too much.

When he gets in, can you have a cup of tea or glass of wine together and ask about his day.

Put some good music on that you both like while you are eating and suggest you stay at table to chat instead of going straight to the tv, and suggest a specific thing to do at the weekend. Research it - how long it takes to drive there, where to have lunch, an alternative if it rains. Look at things that might interest both of you. Suggest taking turns to plan an outing once a weekend.

And as Pp have said, make your happiness your responsibility. Take up a hobby that has you socialising outside the home and a gentle fitness class. Maybe a very part time job just one or two days a week. You'll have a more vibrant energy for him to come home to if you don't rely on an exhausted man for company and entertainment.

. I have to arrange everything! And I mean everything. From paying bills to organising stuff for family birthdays.

If he is working 12 hour days, to be honest that doesn't seem unreasonable.

Do you specifically propose days out, if only to see your children and grandchildren and maybe take the grandchildren out? What sort of things did you do before at weekends etc - can you suggest doing that again? If you suggested and arranged an evening out, would he go along with it?

It's fair that you do most things for the home. And unless health issues prevent you I'd also expect you to be doing the diy jobs, you don't need a penis to hold a drill (If you do you have the wrong kind of drill)

I would suggest a board game night, step away from screens and talk.

So you're noticing it more now? He was always like this. If you cab sustain yourself financially then separate, if the house isnt worth much you'll just have to rent a studio or a room in a houseshare i guess. Life is what you make it.

I’m always curious of these sorts of threads, just because in the purest sense we are alone, we are born alone and though others join us on our journey (for different lengths of time), our journey is still ours alone. What is it OP that you are expecting? If you want to have fun, have you tried booking a spa hotel weekend away, day out at art galleries, evening at theatre? Dinner date? Maybe you should lead if you are the one feeling change must happen?

This is so true.
We are born alone and die alone.
I have resigned myself to be the one organising things but DH will come along.

Wow. That just more or less described my life!!, You just get used to it.

"I'd love to go out on one of his days off even just for a walk or a cuppa. Maybe a date night. He gets 4 days off and we do nothing together.*"
*
Are you coming up with ideas and asking him to go for a walk, go for coffee, etc., and he's saying "no"?

Why should a non participant always get to use another party? He should go, have the upset of his life.

It’s easy to get into a rut. It’s just as easy to get out of one. Why don’t you surprise him. Get some new underwear and have sex! Sometimes you just need to reconnect and you can get into a new groove together.

I’d get out of the house more too so you have things to talk about. Pick out one new thing to do a week alone or with him.

You can bring this back. If you change your energy his will hopefully match yours. Remember how happy you used to be. You’re both still in there somewhere under all those chores x

I think many people in your situation live together in the same house but live separate lives. Just think of him as a friend these days and you won't get as annoyed. As he works to pay the bills your job is the housework. D.I.Y and gardening needs to be a joint effort.

Don't get me wrong He is a lovely man
he's really not, he makes no effort in your marriage, doesn't engage with kids, grandkids, mother.
What's lovely about him? he sounds very selfish and thoughtless.

Yes that's it. Same house separate lives. Sad but acceptable on some level. But it's kinda sad.

Why is it up to your husband to entertain you? Only you know if you love him or not but it's not his fault you have long lonely days. I think you need to try harder to fill your life up instead of putting expectations on your husband. Try a new hobby, volunteer somewhere or visit friends and family etc. After a busy working week he probably just wants some restful activities. Not feeling close or attracted to him is a whole different thing but your health has put you in the situation that you can't work. This means you have to find other things to focus on to get through the week or you will get bored/ depressed and expect all your socialisation from your husband. It's not really fair.