Walk away wife syndrome?

[Dinkiedoo]

I give up . I feel like I live alone.
I had to retire on health grounds which husband fully supported. He still works. He works long hours. 12 hour days but he doesn't do much else. I cook I clean I do laundry.

When he gets in we sit and watch TV which is fair enough as he tired.
But on days off we do nothing together. He disappeares into other room to pursue his hobby or mess around on computer.
I've checked computer and there's nothing untoward. Same as phone.
We had words about this month's ago ....us not doing anything together but nothings changed.
So I just get on with my own thing and leave him to it.
We barely speak and to be honest I can't be arsed now.
No sex for months now. Neither of us initiate now. Also can't be arsed.
We won't divorce as house isn't worth that much. Needs a bit of work too.....which he doesn't do either btw . Last decoration jobs done by me !
We have got a holiday booked but he will probably spend that reading or drinking.
I even feel alone on holiday .
It's not a way to live I know but there's no escape.

So it seems to me that you don't see him much now & feel lonely but leaving would mean you would be completely alone & still lonely wouldn't it?

Leaving him isn't going to solve your problem of feeling lonely and unfulfilled. You need to do that by finding hobbies, engaging with friends more & basically finding things to lift you out of the depressed state you seem to be in.
Plan things to do with him perhaps too but I think first you need to concentrate on yourself.
With just two of you in the house there can't be a huge amount of housework to do and who cares if the house isn't spotless, spend more time on finding things you enjoy doing and then pursue them. Learn a new skill or a language, volunteer, take up art or crafting, get a pet...

I don’t know what your disabilities allow, but with everything you say you’re doing it sounds like you can handle a bit, just not work plus life. I agree with PP that his hours are demanding and he’s probably exhausted in ways you didn’t notice when you were working and equally exhausted. Can you start small? Things that aren’t tiring like sending him instagram reels. My date time with my husband is literally us looking at reels together instead of each doing our own thing. Or if he is watching boring youtube in bed, ask to look together.

Echoing what others have said. If he's working 12 hour days and you work none, of course the housework is down to you! Why should he do decorating when you're the one with all the time to do it?

Poor man's probably exhausted. I suggest that he leaves you and finds someone who can "be arsed"!

After 12 hours work he is probably tired.
Bills are surely by direct debit and something you would do as a single person too anyway, same with cooking and cleaning. He also doesn't have to share his wages with a second person but he does it as part of the couple. He gets an assistant, buying presents and wrapping them,making meals and housekeeping and you get a provider that enables your lifestyle. On his days off he just wants to chill out at home. You can't have your cake and eat it, the drudgery is your contribution to the couple life while his is his long hours and being the sole breadwinner. Do you think you'll find a man who will pay all your bills and entertain you every weeekend and has the energy to cook and have fantastic sex after 12 hours shift?
Glass half full.

OP have you spoken to your husband about this and is he aware of how miserable you are feeling about your marriage? It sounds like you need to have a proper heart to heart conversation. Maybe some couples counselling. If he’s totally unaware and thinks everything is fine then how does he know you expect more from him? You need to make it very clear to him that you are considering ending the marriage and you would like to see some changes and make those changes together.

i also think 12 hour shifts is a lot - how many times per week is this? I don’t think it is unfair that you do the cooking and cleaning given he works such long hours but I understand you wanting to spend quality time with your husband.

I'm amazed you are expecting him to cook and clean when he's working at 12 hour days. I can understand you are bored but I think he is as well. You say you did some work on the house. Are you able to do more of that?

To be honest I think a divorce would be a relief to him as much as you.

OP, a 12hr shift is a very long shift. He comes home to rest. Where I work younger people do 12hr shifts, they usually get home by 9 - 10pm - they shower, eat and sleep - this is their life. On their days off they sleep late due to being absolutely knackered.

You mentioned having to do everything else - that is what majority of women do - working or not, admin has to be done along with housework, cooking etc.

If you planned to do something together would DH be ok to do that?

Yeah i think 50 50 cooking and cleaning is if you have young or disabled dependents or both work similar hours otherwise the one at home does them. It is boring but he is also bored and tired of work. He actually can leave you more easily than you leave him as he works but he chooses to stay with you and isn't cheating.

I reckon your situation is more common than you may think OP.
You are in a position to make a social life and network on your own. Go for it.

All the tasks that you seem to resent currently doing for the household you would also need to continue doing if you separate no? It’s actually just part of being an adult. From your posts you are appearing to resent him. Maybe he also resents you? He doesn’t “owe” you to be your companion- he has to want to do those things. I would hazard he’s exhausted being sole bread winner with no respite for that any time soon. Maybe you could both benefit from couples counselling to get these issues out in the open? I’d be interested to have his insight on how this situation has come about and you should possibly try to find out what’s in his mind some way or other.

If you want to (or have to) stay then I think you should just reframe things in your mind. See your home as your base, him as you housemate and fill your life with other things and people that make you happy.
I see quite a few couples around me who get like this around retirement age, some even say they sleep in seperate bedrooms.
You need to decide what you want, he obviously has. He obviously likes things as they are, that’s not going to change. You now need to decide what you want and act accordingly. Just don’t lose sight of what you DO have in the process.

OP said she is cooking and cleaning.
Cue a flood of posts asking her why she is not cooking and cleaning!

Op, anyone working those hours burns out and needs a lot of time alone. i would suggest patience and making a life of your own.

Your DH doesn't sound that much different to mine TBH, but I enjoy it. There are some differences though - we do have sex regularly and I work full time. We also have our youngest DD still living at home, who is good company.

DH does spend most of his downtime on his computer though - his fave hobby is buying and selling on ebay, but also gaming. Apart from the odd bit of woodworking, which he enjoys, I sort out all the house improvements, sort out all the bills etc. I do all the laundry, cleaning, but he does all the cooking. The laundry/cleaning doesn't take long though, and I work full time?

We do sit down for a family meal together every evening, cooked by him, and chat then though, but we rarely watch TV together.

We have totally different hobbies to each other, and apart from the evening meal, we spend most of our time doing our own thing. I really like it though - I wouldn't have time to do all the things I enjoy otherwise, and I need my alone time, just reading a book or whatever. I suppose were as bad as each other - I'd get worn down if he was constantly wanting to do things together.

I think the way you feel about the situation is mostly in your control TBH - if you're thinking of divorcing anyway, but can't because of the house, then why can't you effectively separate, but just live together as housemates. It doesn't sound like he's abusive or anything? Or go the other way, and have a good talk about doing the occasional date night, sex, an occasional day out - actually plan it and put it in the calendar, draw up a set of rules - one date night or afternoon together per fortnight or something, and maybe look into couples therapy.

If OP is retired on health grounds she might be using nearly all of her energy to do the ‘wife’ work. If this man lived alone he would have to cope with taking care of a home as well as his work.
Just because you work long hours doesn’t mean the mental load of every other thing should go on this lady.

Has it changed since you retired? I think retirement can be a big strain on a marriage, like any big change. Sounds like he's tired from working long hours and needs more downtime and you're looking to him to provide fun and interest...how long is it until he retires? Any chance he could reduce how much he works?

I feel for you. You sound hurt and disappointed. It’s important that you hear that you deserve better.

I’ve been in very similar relationships. I’ve learned that there are many emotionally unavailable men walking through this world. Through no fault of their own- They’ve never been taught the skills and tools they need to truly empathise and have a connected relationship with anyone-though on a superficial level they can fake it enough to get by.

We can’t force other people to change but we can make sure that we don’t carry anger and disappointment around with us.

It may be helpful to just find a counsellor to speak to so that you can process your thoughts and may even be able to approach the situation from a different angle. x

I will say that men tend to nest as they get older. DH has. Though we do stuff together and apart.

Make a life of your own and don't look to him for fun. You have the time to do it.

I have been solo travelling all my life because I don't want to rely on anyone else to give me joy. Not sure if your health permits but find something like that

Plenty are in your situation and decide to stay essentially as flatmates, if this is your decision then fill your life with things you enjoy too

Well you have two choices. Either make your own lovely life within the marriage, or without it.

He works 12 hour days, whilst you don’t work at all.

I only work 9 hour days but still come home exhausted and don’t want to do much and on my days off, I just want to do things that I want to do.

I do think as a couple you should make an effort and for him that means going places with you, even if it’s just once a month.

But you sound bored because you’re now retired and he shouldn’t have to stop doing things that he enjoys doing, just because you want to get out of the house more.

You have 2 separate issues here:
1.You being bored - in which case I would join clubs and make more friends to do activities with. You don’t need to do them with your partner.
2.The lack of effort in the relationship - this probably has a lot to do with you being bored but I would start by once a fortnight doing something as a couple, even if it’s going for breakfast in a cafe or the cinema. It doesn’t have to be outside of the house either, having a nice meal and watching a film afterwards is still connecting.

If he’s working 60+ hours a week. Evenings watching TV with you and presumably also no spring chicken either… aside from his days off when is he meant to get down time for him if you want him doing DIY and entertaining you on those days? He might have supported your early retirement but you do have by far the better end of the deal in terms of time. Reality for him may be no fun either. Grief at work. Silence or grief at home.
You have 7 days a week. Presumably he has 1-2 days off and so 💯 don’t blame him wanting to do his hobby or decompress on those days especially if he can’t be heard as sounds like you want him to fulfil your needs but that works two ways. Sorry to be harsh but maybe could discuss how he can start winding down too. Maybe with extra time he be more willing to work on things.

I completely disagree. You still have needs within the marriage and that's got noting to do with having friends .. having your girlfriends doesn't mean you come home to a man who doesn't want to spend time with you. Your friends are a separate thing your marriage has it's own wants and needs.

So what's in it for him if they dont have kids together, aren't married, doesn't contribute financially, doesn't cook or clean, doesn't help with life admin, no sex either, partner always bored and sulking.. why would he pay out of his wages to sustain a partner like this? Is his life not also boring working and staying home and no sex?