Walk away wife syndrome?

[Dinkiedoo]

I give up . I feel like I live alone.
I had to retire on health grounds which husband fully supported. He still works. He works long hours. 12 hour days but he doesn't do much else. I cook I clean I do laundry.

When he gets in we sit and watch TV which is fair enough as he tired.
But on days off we do nothing together. He disappeares into other room to pursue his hobby or mess around on computer.
I've checked computer and there's nothing untoward. Same as phone.
We had words about this month's ago ....us not doing anything together but nothings changed.
So I just get on with my own thing and leave him to it.
We barely speak and to be honest I can't be arsed now.
No sex for months now. Neither of us initiate now. Also can't be arsed.
We won't divorce as house isn't worth that much. Needs a bit of work too.....which he doesn't do either btw . Last decoration jobs done by me !
We have got a holiday booked but he will probably spend that reading or drinking.
I even feel alone on holiday .
It's not a way to live I know but there's no escape.

How is there no escape? Do you not have free will?

Housework isn’t 12 hours a day though is it.

The problem is that your social batteries don’t align.

You spend most of your time alone waiting to do something fun with another person or have a chat.

He spends all day around other people and chatting, so he wants time alone.

I have friends that I meet for lunch. I go and see my kids. I volunteer at a cat sanctuary. I keep busy.
He doesn't want to do anything I ask if he's depressed. He just laughs.
He has to be prompted to call family members . He's terrible at keeping in touch. His mother is very old and in poor health. He same with the kids and grandkids.
Don't get me wrong He is a lovely man but needs a kick up the arse to do anything and I'm getting tired of it. I have to arrange everything! And I mean everything. From paying bills to organising stuff for family birthdays.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend some time with my husband. Isn't that what marriage is about ?
We don't do anything as a couple anymore.
Maybe He's checked out !

There is escape - you just don't want to.

With the whole wanting to spend time with him - are you planning things he just doesn't attend? Because if he's doing 12 hour days five days a week he must be knackered, especially if he's been doing it for years.

I find it so interesting that in all these threads people seem to think that the breakdown is 100% their spouses fault.
He does this, this and this, how am I to live with that?

There is probably a hell of a lot more to this story.

OP's DH will have his own side I'm sure.
" I work 12 hours shifts, come home absolutely pasted, so a wife that is sour that i've done nothing in the house the past couple of days. I initiate sex, but wife always shuts me down as she says I don't help her in the house or connect emotionally. I've stopped initiating now, nothing I do seems right"

Maybe he's knackered have you thought about that? If you have retired presume age wish he is of a similar age - 13 hour days carrying you both financially is going to be knackering and maybe he doesn't have much head space to do anything else on weekends? You sound a bit woe is me entitled and selfish TBH

12 hours a day at work is a lot. I'd not want to do housework as well.
I'd also want to chill on my own.

Do you do anything together? It sounds depressing. Do you actually want him to do anything with you? It doesn't sound like you do.

Interesting little story you've just made up in your head....

Talk again but with a ‘we need to do something’ agreement- in the process of huge marriage issues and if you both decide not to try then nobody tries. Every so often I make a statement that makes us at least talk/ watch tv together/ sit for a meal together etc as in ‘oh great are ee not doing anything again tonigh?’ or ‘will I just go do x on my own so?’ Don’t just exist op. At least do something for yourself- I’ve started going to art galleries, listening to music I used to love, taking time over myself, going out for walks,watching comedy that makes me laugh, bawling my eyes out for a release, buying myself magazines and flowers. Get you back even if you don’t want him back (but consider whether you do want him back. We used to be such a team and I don’t know if that’s possible again but deep down I’d love if it was)

Is there any option for him to reduce his hours or do you need the money?

If he's doing 12 hour shifts all week, it's no wonder he just wants to sit around at the weekend. Especially if he's in his 50s/60s.

Of course, there's no guarantees him working less would improve things, but I just don't see where he'd get the energy to try while working those hours.

Life is what YOU make it!! Your husband is probably knackered from working all week and maybe feeling pressure because there's only one wage coming in.
It's not upto him to make you happy , go out with friends for coffee , cinema, shopping etc...you don't have to do everything with your husband or partner.

12 hour days+ and 6-7 days a week some weeks this end too so I can relate to your DH wanting space and to decompress when he gets in or on days off. That’s a tough and punishing work schedule. Saying he doesn’t do much else is dismissive and negates to account for the fact he likely hasn’t got the energy, time or head space after doing that day after day. Cooking and cleaning or laundry by far is not the same intensity level. Instead of concentrating on what he can do to meet your needs why not work on easing his load a bit and making your own life when he’s at work more interesting. Acknowledging he’s still got it really hard workwise and asking what you can do to help - as you want him to be looked after and happy too could provide the breakthrough you are looking for. The load all on him just now in terms of providing for you both but sounds like you want a medal for doing the basics. Walkaway Husband too potentially.

It's a couple of hours a day if you don't have kids, why is it unreasonable to take that on seeing as the husband is working full time?

So what are you organising to do? Book a meal out? Trip to museum etc.

He sounds exhausted. You take the initiative.

Op this needs to be reframed, as you have said you don’t want to end your marriage, so I assume you have considered this option in detail and really it’s in your best interests to stay.

You can’t stay as you are though, so unhappy and miserable, it’s time to really start taking charge.

Book a decorator for the rooms impacting you the most.
Start holidaying with family and friends and dh.

Appreciate the extreme exhaustion your dh is experiencing day in and day out, as he continues to work to support you, can you see that if you were doing 60 hour weeks you might feel the same or worse? Can you start taking care of him instead? Run him a bath, show some empathy? I’m sure he doesn’t want to work so hard, but has no choice.

Look at old photographs and videos of your younger selves, celebrate how far you have come.

Mske friends, join clubs, launch a little working from home business, study something new. Lose weight, tone up. Do something completely out of the ordinary.

You are in a static, comfortable cocoon, but it’s draining the life energy out of you. Take back your life. Throw a party. Make this last chapter count.

So in summary it sounds like you’re bored but sticking around for the lifestyle based on your husband working 12 hours a day….
You mention his misgivings but you sound pretty boring yourself, just frittering the days away waiting to be entertained.

What would you like to do with him? Maybe plan a few things and take him along? I know you said you talked about it months ago, but it's worth talking about it more. It's hard to change old ways, so usually, 1 talk isn't cutting the mustard, it's more of a constant recalibrating your lives and communication, if that makes sense. Maybe turn it into a "game" where each month, you both plan something for you 2 as a surprise (going to the theatre, a nice meal, a national trust walk...). You both book 1 thing a month and take your partner without telling them where you're going, that could be a bit of fun.

It sounds like life has become too comfortable and it's time to make some efforts on both sides. I say this with no judgement, I totally get where you're coming from. I'm in a long term relationship with very young kids, and the routine can be hard to escape.

Have you had a proper conversation about it? I don't mean just suggesting stuff that gets forgotten about if he says no or the reminders to phone his family but a real conversation in which you've told him what you'd like your life to look like?

It's easy to get stuck in a rut of laziness and it can take real mental effort to change it.

I have to arrange everything! And I mean everything. From paying bills to organising stuff for family birthdays.

This is entirely reasonable given that he is working 12 hour days and you are retired.

He works full time and she doesn't work at all. She's not looking after toddlers or very young children full time so she has loads of time to clean. It's the least she can do! The housework is only neverending if you have children at home.

I’m in a similar situation, and I’d ask you, how different do you think your life would be without him, and why can’t you make those changes while you’re with him?