Walk away wife syndrome?

[Dinkiedoo]

I give up . I feel like I live alone.
I had to retire on health grounds which husband fully supported. He still works. He works long hours. 12 hour days but he doesn't do much else. I cook I clean I do laundry.

When he gets in we sit and watch TV which is fair enough as he tired.
But on days off we do nothing together. He disappeares into other room to pursue his hobby or mess around on computer.
I've checked computer and there's nothing untoward. Same as phone.
We had words about this month's ago ....us not doing anything together but nothings changed.
So I just get on with my own thing and leave him to it.
We barely speak and to be honest I can't be arsed now.
No sex for months now. Neither of us initiate now. Also can't be arsed.
We won't divorce as house isn't worth that much. Needs a bit of work too.....which he doesn't do either btw . Last decoration jobs done by me !
We have got a holiday booked but he will probably spend that reading or drinking.
I even feel alone on holiday .
It's not a way to live I know but there's no escape.

I can see why financially it would be difficult to leave. You need to develop your life without relying on him for company. You won't get it. Act like a single person but live in the same house. Plenty of people seem to these days.

If I were in your shoes I would do all the housework and life admin- with only 2 of you at home there can’t be that much to do. Get up, get it done in the morning for a couple of hours and then the rest of the day is yours. Same for DIY etc. Frankly you aren’t working and have 40 or more hours more per week than your husband.

I would also focus on making your own life more interesting. What do you want to do? A new hobby? Fitness, craft? Join a walking group? Anything you want really, the world is your oyster.

No you’re not unreasonable to want to spend some time with your husband, but he doesn’t want to and you have said you won’t leave. Why not make some new friends who want to go on day trips, go on holiday, explore and do hobbies together?

You want her to just use him for financial reasons? What a waste of both of their lives.

Have you maybe talk to him about maybe like roll play. Where you dress up say like a high paying business female. And him as what ever he wants to do and pick a place to meet and then go from there

Unless your health issues are the issue or your just awful at organising anything it’s a doddle running a house without kids plus no one is around but yourself to make a mess. So I think stop focussing on the housework issue.

Has it always been a bit like this but just magnified because you have too much time on your hands? That’s what I’m thinking.

What I have found is if two people were really never that compatible once there is time to reflect and the kids have gone it’s just dire. Intrinsically there is nothing horribly wrong with either as an individual just nothing in common. That’s where your at.

Two of my friends are divorcing for just this reason, no abuse just had enough. Their husbands are quite boring I suppose but nice guys, they admit this. I think both will be in for a shock once the divorces are finalised. If they truly want to be alone then I say fair play but I think both of them are holding out for great new romance and a man that is the sort they want.

I could be wrong but I think there are veey few middle aged men working long hours who are the life and soul of the party.

All my friends have the same issue.

Some of those answers are missing the point entirely imo.

Tye OP is retired on health grounds. She isn’t just retired. She is (chronically) ill.
And people are saying she should take a hobby, get out of the house etc…
Do you really think that people who are ill enough to not be able to work have the energy/ability to cook, clean etc AND go out to have a hobby, meet friends etc…?

The OP is specifically talking about the fa t her dh doesn’t engage with her anymore. Not in the evenings, not at the WE. Is that really a normal way to live , regardless of whether the OP works or not??
Its not because you’re working 12hours a day that it’s ok to ignore your life partner.

As for why on earth would you stay, having a house isn’t a reason good enough… Again, the OP hasn’t stated how much her pension is but I suspect she would struggle to financially make ends meet only on that.

@Dinkiedoo its a shit position to be in.
Some stuff isn’t going to change - like you organising going out, weekend away or hols. It has the advantage that you can tailor it to your needs.

The lack of communication - is it something really recent or one that has been creeping up for a while, before your health got much worse? I think depending on when it started, the cause will be different iyswim.

I feel that if it was the ‘walk away syndrome’ your dh would have left altogether. However, he might well not have the emotional maturity to support you and prefer to use the ostrich method instead. By avoiding engaging, he is avoiding confronting the fact you’re unwell.
I know dh also struggled to accept some changes, like me using a wheelchair. He was very reluctant of me using it! (Not that I ever listened to him on that!) but I think some people prefer to not be reminded that their partner struggles.

Ultimately, you need to have a chat with him and see if you can improve things. Like having half an hour a day chatting about your life/works/next hols.
If he isn’t ready to make a step in connecting with you, then you’ll have no other choice but to accept it. And build your life around it - staying together and living parallel lives or divorcing.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer tbh.

@ViciousCurrentBun cleaning the house and cooking is a doodle as long as YOURE HEALTHY.

The OP isn’t. She isn’t just retired. She is retired on medical grounds.
Its a huge assumption to say that it’s easy for her, she has a lot of time on her hands etc…
Instead, I’d have expected her dh to step up re HW BECAUSE she is unwell. 50/50 would have been nice. Agd then she might actually have the energy and ability o see friends agd have a life instead.

Best advice I can give is to attempt to get your sexlife back into action.

Sex should be enjoyable, fun, it helps your immume system and you are closer as a couple.

You have the luxury of having 4 days together, so a morning roll in the hay, coffee in bed, and then you might start talking or wanting to spend some time with each other.

Take it from there.

So this isn’t a new thing ?
It is just more noticeable now to you as you aren’t as busy and tired?
Does he work 4 on and 4 off ? I wouldn’t do much on 12 hr shifts either but after chilling on your first day off you would want to do something .

I don’t think it’s his work or your retirement it sounds the marriage has came to an end .

You and him have to talk .
Do you live as room mates due to cost and live separate doing your own thing or something else.

You need to think about what you would prefer/need moving forward then have the chat .

Can you work ?

Can you study, do some courses at college or uni ?

Volunteer ?

You sound bored of life

How old are you both?

Where are you in your peri menopause? Because that bitch can do a number on your mind and body and it may be her muttering in your ear.

What are you doing for your own physical and mental health and wellbeing?

Are you just sinking into 'can't be bothered' yourself?

He works all hours to support a wife who doesn't go out to work. He's exhausted when he gets in. I til recently did 9-5, pleasant walk to work, office job - knackered in the evenings and weekends.

Do you actually talk together?

My husband also works 60 hours a week, self employed and also part time farmer, i have got used to me being on my own. He comes exhausted and its getting worse as he gets older, 50 in a few years time. If i didn't book anything we wouldn't go anywhere, so i dont even bother discussing it sometimes i just say oh we have x y z on this date and its on the calendar. He has his own interest and tv shows to watch etc but i am comfortable to sit with him while he watches the reading my book or on my laptop. Glass of wine some eves and I get a nice foot rub sometimes :). Same with hols i book and arrange most f them, but we are together long enough so know what each other. I dont have the energy to clean house every week ( currently waiting on diagnosis) nor does he so we have a cleaner. Life doesnt have to be jam packed with stuff every week but if you want to do stuff arrange it, book a cinema trip a nice lunch,

It seems he does three twelve hour shifts, then four days off? This is pretty bad for anyone's health.

A cycle of absolutely exhausted, then recovering, then preparing for the next one.

That physical and mental toll will leave little room for relationships.

How's his own health? If he's not a young man I honestly think he may be heading for something bad himself.

So has he considered changing his shift pattern, his hours, his job? Has he had a health checkup?

That ten hours without food or break job you mentioned - where was that?!!! What kind of employer imposes those conditions?? I'm not surprised you have been left with disabilities. That's appalling.

It seems you've both lived under awful working conditions that are now taking it out on your health and wellbeing and relationship.

You mention grandchildren, so please both get your respective hormone levels and general health checked.

It sounds like a marriage worth saving - but needs massive changes, and that's incredibly hard.

You are really asking that question to someone who MEDICALLY retired? You’re asking them if they could work because they’re clearly but bored?!?

fgs, at least read the OP properly.

So have you sat him down and expressed very clearly that you're unhappy with this and if he's really not interested then maybe he could be honest with you about it?

Then you can decide where to go from there

I have !

I can't get a job . I have cardiac issues and arthritis as well as IBS and a few other " niggles"
All I want is to have some time with the man I married. His first day off I leave him to it. He needs to decompress and rest.
I know he works hard so I do all I can so he can recoup his strength.
Is it not surprising that I'm pissed off that he won't even come for a coffee once in a while. Take some initiative to do something else than sit in his "office" like a teenager ?

How many hours is he working? You said 12 hour days so my first thought was 60 hour weeks, he’s probably knackered, no wonder he wants to do nothing.

But then you said 4 days off. So is it 3 long days he is doing, 36 hours? If so then yeah I’d expect him to have a bit more get up and go (and help around the house) on his non working days.

I’d struggle being married to someone who has 4 days a week spare and does nothing with them except sit on his computer, not even a coffee and a walk with me.

What did he used to be interested in? Does he have any friends?

Maybe he doesnt want to be with you but feels guilt bound?

Does he say no every time? Have you told him how lonely you feeling in the marriage?

We've discussed it and we went out twice. Now it's back to the old ways.
He doesn't have any friends to be honest. Just work mates.
He's a lovely guy dont get me wrong but I just need a marriage not this brother sister thing we've slipped into.

4 days off is totally different and you’re already giving him the first day off! I think the advice would’ve been different, we were all thinking 12x5.

If he can’t be arsed to do the dishes and go out on day 3 it’s drive anyone crazy. If it’s his health can he retire or see the doctor for mental health? If it’s laziness or mental health he won’t address you’re stuck like that.

He has checked out and is happy with his lot.
Stop doing anything with or for his family.
Not your job.

It doesn't make financial sense to divorce and poverty as you age from divorce is real.

Move into another bedroom.
Start living your life for you.
Give him what he wants, absolute peace and quiet.
Stop begging for crumbs of attention.
You are house mates going forward.

Time to accept your reality and look to a future where you live together but are single.

My friends older sister was in a very similar situation 15 years ago.
Children grown up and off living their lives.
They both worked but his greatest love was golf as much as possible.

He was a nice man, selfish, self absorbed, but he golfed all weekend, competitions, trips away, portugal with the boys.
When he retired he golfed every day and ate there too.

He had about 5 similar golf buddies and the club was their whole life.

It was very lonely and he would not discuss it.
She built a life for herself outside of the house, built a network of friends, holidayed with her sisters and went on group trips.

When he was 67 he had a life changing diagnosis which ended his golf completely and it was like suddenly her presence as a wife and carer would be required.
The realisation that she now was expected to be on hand 24/7 to drive him everywhere, bring his food on a tray and become his nurse maid was too much.

She realised that the love was long gone and she was not prepared to do it.

She told him the truth and said that he broke their vows long before "in sickness and in health" kicked in.

She was happy to sell the house and split the proceeds, but his care was not her responsibility.

She described herself as the ultimate golf widow.

Surprisingly she got zero judgement from anyone who mattered to her. They had lived separately for nearly 20 years, why would they now be together 24/7 because he needed care.

Her decision was 100% informed by the knowledge that if the tables were turned he wouldn't have given up a single game for her care, so she was going to give him the exact same consideration.