Is it time to tell my husband to find a proper job.

[Dutched]

My husband is a photographer who has struggled to get work for the last 5 years. He thinks it magically appears. I run my own marketing consultancy and have been the main earner for last 10 years (fine), I've been the sole earner for the last 5 years (minus the odd thing he's done). Everything he's advised to do for lead gen, he doesn't want to do. Or doesn't stick to it long enough for it to work. He hates social media, doesn't like networking. For the last 2 years he's been busy with love projects that have won international awards but never amount to any sales. We've just done an expensive house renovation and I'm at a point now where it's time to get a proper job. But when subject is raised it just causes arguments.

There are day jobs even in photography. I know someone who got a job at a medical supply company. He just took photographs of products all day and then got them ready for the catalog and website. Not remotely exciting work, but it is a steady paycheck.

Is it a communication problem? Is he taking in what you are saying, could you show him a diagram or spreadsheet of something visual.
I would try another method of communication with him and if he is understanding but still ignoring you, then you will have to deal with that.

They're married, it's their house so of course he's entitled to half. Nothings going to change OP, so it's status quo or divorce.

How are you paying for the cleaner and Reno? I assume through your income/job?

it doesn’t appear that he’s financially pulling his weight, I agree with you. It'ed grip my shit too. Apart from the drastic (separation) perhaps split the finances - let him start to struggle to fund his obligations? (After another talk of course)

Exactly this. He needs a wake up call; you can’t keep supporting him.

The longer this goes on the more money you will have to pay him to get rid of him. I would be getting rid even if poor diddums was supposedly suffering a crisis of confidence after not contributing for the last five years. Really, for the money, you could be getting a younger cuter gigolo who, hopefully, could be relied upon to whip up a delicious quiche when you return tired from work.

The child is 22?

If his photography is of a sufficient standard to win international awards, then 1) if he set up an Instagram he'd do crazy numbers, and 2) he'd have couples queueing up for wedding photography jobs. This seems quite obvious to me, and it sounds like you've given him marketing and (self-)branding advice, but he hasn't followed it - might he be depressed or lacking confidence generally?

Does your DH do the cleaning/cooking and childcare while you work? If he isn't workshy but just has a chronic lack of confidence that is paralysing him with fear, hopefully he is still helpful in other ways, unlike OP's DH who does absolutely nothing.

Jesus Christ- you have a cleaner and he doesn’t even walk the dogs??
What exactly IS he contributing to the relationship??

If, like the OP’s husband, they do the sum total of fuck all at home, not even walking the dogs, then yes. They probably should.

Sounds like he’s retired, with you funding it all. Of course he’s happy with that.

Think it’s ultimatum time. How much do you need him to bring in? I know artists who work in hospitality & others who work in care because the hours are flexible. If he does nights or sleep ins care jobs can pay reasonably well - which surprises people - and you can do long days so you only work two for three days a week for full time hours leaving lots of time to pursue the passion work that isn’t yet making enough to live on.

Especially when the child is 22.

There’s a difference between being a stay at home parent who does all the household stuff and life admin and looks after the children. And someone who stays at home doing what is essentially a hobby while someone else pays for it and does all the life admin/dog walking etc as well as working.

Ick

Yes. Or at least this is very similar, down to the cleaner and the award-winning projects.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5240119-to-think-my-husband-needs-to-find-another-vocation

OP, as nothing has changed, what else do you need from this thread?

Of course he needs to bring in money. He won’t take your professional advice and turn the photography into a proper business. Everyone has agreed with you on both threads.

When the ‘child’ is 22 and they do sod all and there’s a cleaner?? Yes. Yes they should.

If you broke up, he wouldn't be able to continue like this, he would have to get a full time job or survive on benefits. Your allowing him to live this way, when speaking to him bring this up, that without you he wouldn't have the life he has now and he needs to start contributing to your household. I have friends who are in similar situations and the stress it puts on them is crazy, my friend lost her job and she nearly had a break down because without her they could lose everything.

When we used to go out in Shoreditch, during the 2000's, it seemed that pretty much every other man was claiming to be a photographer. It quickly became clear that this actually meant 'unemployed and living on benefits'. Bizarrely, quite a large number seemed to look down on us for having boring and square jobs in IT.

I fear you may have made an error by marrying the 'cool' guy.

Yes, I noticed that too. It sounds like she has tried to help him but he won’t take her advice. Never mind that other people seek her out and pay her for her advice, it won’t work for him (because he refuses to do it).

If he doesnt get a job in 3 months, I would re-organise the household finances. I'd set up a new account solely in my name for all my income to go into and also all expenses to come out. He would have no access to my income ongoing. I'd open a savings account for myself and transfer half the savings to there. He'd have his half of the savings.
I'd explain that once his half has gone, I will only be funding house/bills/food - nothing else.

My husband is a professional photographer and I don't know anyone who works harder.

He's up super early, spends hours networking on linked in, connecting with marketing directors. Is always working ON the business. As a result he's very successful and constantly working, for amazing clients.

It's a tough job and you have to put a lot in to get the clients and the work, I don't think enough people release this. Taking nice photos is just a small part of it!

Why are you posting about this again? Didn't you like the responses you got last time?

I knew someone who ended up divorced over a very similar scenario.
he was a nice person but tried to turn a hobby into a career - she supported him initially, but over years he never made much money, and she eventually had enough of carrying the load.

No respect towards such a waste of space.