Is it time to tell my husband to find a proper job.

[Dutched]

My husband is a photographer who has struggled to get work for the last 5 years. He thinks it magically appears. I run my own marketing consultancy and have been the main earner for last 10 years (fine), I've been the sole earner for the last 5 years (minus the odd thing he's done). Everything he's advised to do for lead gen, he doesn't want to do. Or doesn't stick to it long enough for it to work. He hates social media, doesn't like networking. For the last 2 years he's been busy with love projects that have won international awards but never amount to any sales. We've just done an expensive house renovation and I'm at a point now where it's time to get a proper job. But when subject is raised it just causes arguments.

He hates social media and won't network? Where does he think gigs are going to come from? The magic photography gig tree?

He needs to wake up. And get a job and do his bit to support the family.

You have an independent adult child,a cleaner and you as the dog walker (can be outsourced).

You also have a full time cocklodger that can be replaced with some new friends and a vibrator.

He probably thinks he's already retired from the rat race.

He has absolutely no intention of changing the status quo of his cushty life. He can pretend to be a photographer for National Geographic while his wife works and provides a very nice life for him.

What does he do all day?
It's weird he doesn't like social media because surely he wants people or peers to see his photos?

Have feeling he thinks he is too good to waste on weddings and pictures of puppies. Might be wrong.

He is a paid companion. You're paying him. Or he is stealing from you and your dd by not earning.

Cameras cost a bomb, and all the lenses. Who is buying them?

Get his cv together and apply on his behalf for some artsy overseas voluntary photothing and hope he gets an interview and fucks off to the back of beyond.
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Yes, time to get a proper job.

I have a friend who does sports photography as a hobby that pays, and has a full time job. After every event, he’s posting pictures on instragram etc which has generated more work. In this day and age, you need social media.

Of course he needs to pull his weight as much as you other wise he is just a cocklodger

He hates social media!, he is a bloody photographer he needs to be on there, or is it not high brow enough for him, and he’s too busy trying to win pointless awards!

He needs to get a job now! He does not have the ability to successfully do freelance work as has been proven by his inability to bring in money for the last few years, I presume wedding photography is way beneath him……his head is firmly in the clouds!

Maybe he was a SAHD and then spent his time renovating the house? We need more details..
I agree on paper he needs a job unless this arrangement makes you both happy.

You are basically paying him to live with you.

Just one word, cocklodger

Quite. The cleaner is almost certainly a woman working hard to take money home. He doesn’t manage that. Why should a hard working woman lose her job because a man wants to faff about all day.

Could he not pursue employment in photography?

What does he do all day while you are working to keep him?

Being the sole earner brings huge amounts of stress, does he have a pension or savings? If not then he's going to be totally reliant on you forever unless something changed. If you are happy for him to be your companion then it's ok.if he does tasks that facilitate you working then again that may be ok. But otherwise it isn't really is it? He needs some sort of plan. I suspect he's very comfy at the moment and he's going to resist that changing. You may have to give him an ultimatum.

How do you feel that he's been taking you for granted for years?

If you aren't bothered carry on, you know he don't want a job after you've given him a great unemployed life.

If now is the time you're ready to stand up for yourself and show your dd that relationships aren't one partner freeloading off the other, you need to end it if he doesn't get a job.

I'm surprised you've let it go on this long!

Is he an Andrew Tate fan ?

I divorced my husband after he refused to work on a fairly regular basis, leaving me as sole earner/ cleaner/ child carer ( he did the bare minimum)
I was a fool to not leave him sooner.

You have to ask yourself “ Does he really love me if he’s happy to watch me struggle?”

What do you get out of the relationship OP?

It's been time to get a proper job for the last 5 years. Tell him to stop taking the piss and get his finger out.

I can't believe you have put up with his freeloading for so long.

Can he teach photography or work part time in a completely different role, keeping a day or two aside for his own photography

Unfortunately some people have dreams of what they believe they should be, but are disappointed that their genius isn’t instantly recognised. Self promotion goes against the grain because natural talent should be recognised by all, with no action needed from him. He should just be paid for being a great photographer. Getting a “real” job would damage his image of himself (and to others in his mind) as a true creative. Earn money? Pah! He’s above such things! Basically it’s a sort of entitlement.
You can accept that he won’t change.
You can accept that he won’t change, but lay down boundaries. Make things difficult financially for him. Don’t fund the nice stuff. So he has to work.
Or tell him to shape up or ship out.

It rings bells with me too.

It’s just reminded me of the old joke - What’s the difference between an amateur musician and a professional musician?
An amateur musician holds down a job during the week and plays in bands at the weekend
A professional musician sends his wife out to work and plays in bands at the weekend.😁

He’s got no desire to stop the pipe dream as he basically faffs about a bit doing something he enjoys but no actual pressure to make anything of it or push himself whilst you bring in all the cash to run your lives

If you have no dependant kids and a cleaner what is he is actually contributing?

I assume you have raised how you feel and he wasn’t beat pleased so what are your choices now as you know YANBU.

Yes, lay down some boudaries.

Tell husband that you want to work less and earn less so have thought that him taking on the cleaning, walking the dog and mowing a few backyards in beween photography jobs might make it possible for you to wind down a bit.

Also ask whether he would accept you or your daughter controlling a tasteful website to book photography gigs for him.
The site could advertise DH expertise and involvement in passionate area and show case some of his prints. (and some for sale in large format) A contact for bookings could allow him to accept the booking, discuss or decline the booking. You could print him a monthly list of booking requests.

Maybe your DH has a phobia about on-line. A block. Does he cope better with face to face or phone contact? Maybe if he gets started he could enjoy taking more pet portraits and weddings and children in gardens etc.

Hmm. Him being a freeloading cocklodger is one explanation, but there are others.

I feel your pain, OP, and have a similar situation. Although in mine, the DC are school age. It might have gone on longer too, although the pattern is very similar: DH is a freelance designer and I've been the higher earner for 5 years, the main earner for 5 years and the sole earner for 5 years (ish). I've done the conversations, the support, the taking equity out of the house to plug gaps, and the ultimatums. It's not effective, because in my case its not that he's workshy, it's that his confidence is on the floor and he fears he won't succeed and becomes very risk averse, aims lower and lower, and has completely lost sight of what it means to be half of a partnership. Each conversation fills him with shame (not that I shame him. He's ashamed of his failure to provide). Each ultimatum paralyses him with fear that I'm going to end things and he just blanks it and moves past, carrying on and hoping I will drop it. So far, I have, because I'm earning enough for us to live on, and because the DC are young, and because companionship is better than loneliness, and, yes, because a split would be expensive and I'd be the loser.

So, I sympathise. But understanding that it might be more complicated than pure laziness doesn't mean I know what the solution is.