Is it time to tell my husband to find a proper job.

[Dutched]

My husband is a photographer who has struggled to get work for the last 5 years. He thinks it magically appears. I run my own marketing consultancy and have been the main earner for last 10 years (fine), I've been the sole earner for the last 5 years (minus the odd thing he's done). Everything he's advised to do for lead gen, he doesn't want to do. Or doesn't stick to it long enough for it to work. He hates social media, doesn't like networking. For the last 2 years he's been busy with love projects that have won international awards but never amount to any sales. We've just done an expensive house renovation and I'm at a point now where it's time to get a proper job. But when subject is raised it just causes arguments.

Marrying him was a huge mistake.

Dd isn't his? So he gets half the house leaving her with much less to inherit? That's so unfair on her.

He's not going to change.

You need evidence he's not been a sahd/contributing to the household. Take this to a solicitor & start fighting.

In that situation they are usually contributing the family in other ways. It doesn't appear that OP's husband is doing that.

Any thoughts on the replies, OP?

Don't indulge the parasite in arguments, there's nothing to argue about. Divorce and enjoy life.

If a husband did that to a nonworking wife, it would be classed as coercive control / financial abuse.

If he isn't booked out for weddings from Easter to September than he isn't going to make a bean. That's where the money is and it's not an easy job. Time for some serious chats here.

So this man is good isn’t he?
On the back of being a award winner photographer, he should be able to find work with no issue.

I suspect the problem is that he wants to do what interest him rather than doing it as a work - two very different things and a different feeling. One reason why I didn’t make one of my hobbies (that I truly loved doing abd could have all day long, day in and day out) my work. What was the most fantastic thing to do can easily become a chore when it’s work….

BUT you’ve accepted that for 10 years. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want things to change. And why he doesn’t really think he has to. So far, just putting the brakes on and ignoring you has been enough.

You need to draw a line. It’s either him working or you separate. And you need to be ready to do it.
From your posts, I dint think you’re ready for that yet. You’re frustrated yes. But not at the point to say ‘enough is enough’. No judgement from me there. I just think you need to recognise That's where you are.

I’m guessing you’re still with this loser because you know that in the event of a divorce he couldn’t buy you out of your share of the house and you can’t afford another house by yourself. Then there’s the potential spousal support and pension stuff. You shouldn’t have let this carry on for as long as you have. I weld go added a solicitor asap.

Kindly, it doesn't sound like he has the personality needed for wedding photography. If he doesn't like networking, he's definitely not going to like haranguing 100 half cut people into place for a group photo.

What does he do all day?? Sit in a dark room with Photoshop on his computer??

Has he got his pictures uploaded onto Shutterstock and/or other places that they can be sold/licensed?

I agree with PP's - there's no reason he can't do the photography as a side operation to a job. A part time job might suit him better for this reason.

Something tells me he thinks he's too good for a "proper" job though.

Good luck OP!

This is true also. I know an amateur photographer that took a side job doing estate agency photos!

Again, I suspect this "international prize winning photographer" isn't going to want to lower himself to this kind of work though.

Yeah I think he should get a job. Litearlly working at the supermarket/in a coffee shop/ etc. Yes the work is boring, but it's important to help keep the family afloat!

You need legal advice. I would like to think that a judge would deem him to be capable of supporting himself and not give him an unfair split of assets, but the longer this drags on, the more he'll walk away with.

You do need to force the issue one way or the other. Cutting off all access to your income / savings would be a reasonable first step.

So he's a bone idle loser then.
Photography is a hobby not a job.
You obviously have lost respect for him and I can't say I blame you, a man like this would give me the major ick.

He has retired by stealth.

my friend is an award winning wildlife photographer - he also earns over £100k in his FT IT job to provide for his wife and DC.

I had one of these. Creative types never marry a fellow creative with a dream it’s always someone with a steady income. He will say he supported your career and get half of everything. Courts don’t care if people are lazy now that being at home is seen as equal work. Whether it is or not in reality varies from family to family. It’s also not ok for a woman to refuse to go back to work after dc and expect to be kept imo. What matters is whether you as a couple agree to live on one income and for one person to stay at home given all the stress and sacrifice that puts on the earner. I don’t have a problem with any setup where it’s a joint decision but often it’s one person forcing their choice on the other and the other person then has to go along with it or blow everything up. I know women with dc who could work and their husbands want them to work but they find excuses not to (living rurally so dc have to be driven to school and getting a dog seems common tactic). He won’t change as he’s selfish. No unselfish person would freeload for 5 years when that hadn’t been mutually agreed and he’s capable of working full time.

I had a husband like this and after 15 years I was sick to death of him and we got divorced.
This is a hobby and he needs to get a proper job.
Yes I'd love to just do my hobby too but I have a mortgage to pay.

Yup, that pretty much it.

OP, can I come and live with you for free, not need to have an actual job that pays money in order to contribute and just indulge my hobby full time please?

I can see why it causes arguments, every time you raise it you’re effectively trying to rip the winning lottery ticket right out of his hand!!

100% this.

What the actual fuck?!

OP already had a job. Her DH has all the time in the world! Why should she also do his job for him. JFC

@Gettingbysomehow , did he miraculously manage to get a job when you split up?

People want to get into photography for "the art".

What pays photographers bills is weddings and family events, some corporate portraits.

He's an award winning cockloodger op, he's played his cards just right hasn't he, you've let this go on for too long to come out unscathed.

I think that OP has left the building.

DB was like this but he was single. Then he wanted to leave home and buy a house so now he takes boring photos for an insurance company and has a hobby of wildlife photography.

If he's a decent photographer with passion for his art, he can still walk the dog, clean the house, make dinner and get a bar job to pay some of his way. Just like everyone else has to. If he's a really poor photographer, you can replace him with an AI husband immediately.

Both of you need to get serious imo OP.