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Original poster

To think my husband needs to find another vocation?

27 replies

readyfor2025 · 29/12/2024 14:19

Hi, my husband is ex military, now a photographer. I run a b2b marketing consultantcy. We’ve been married 10 years together 11. The world of photography has changed since Covid and as a freelancer he’s been struggling to get work post Covid. He doesn’t do any self promotion to put himself out there and expects jobs to just land based on his website and his portfolio. I have tried to help him many times over the years building a plan for him to execute. But he doesn’t stick to it, like the channels or says it takes too long (ie not instant). He gets upset with me saying I don’t help him. Outside of doing it for him, which I don’t have time to do as I have my own business to run. I’m not sure what to do. It’s becoming a point of frustration as I’m the only earner and have been for the last few years (I’ve always been the main earner). Something has to give, but I’m not sure what, is it time to tell him to find another vocation, go in house, or stop being a blooming baby and start behaving like an entrepreneur (which most self employed people have to do) to get work.

OP posts:
Biroclicker · 29/12/2024 14:23

You can't be self employed in photography without constant self promotion. He needs to treat promotion as importantly as learning how to use the latest camera.

I would encourage him to set an alarm twice a day for him to add content to whatever channels he is on.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/12/2024 14:24

Maybe he thinks he doesn't have to or need to with you as the breadwinner. Tell him you've had a pay cut. Lol. White lie to kick him up the arse.
But seriously, he needs motivation and lack of money might be the strongest one.

Katy232425 · 29/12/2024 14:25

If it’s not paying and he’s not doing what’s needed to make it pay then he needs to get a paid employee type job and keep the photography as a hobby or side hustle. Lots of people have jobs they don’t particularly enjoy or consider a vocation because they need to pay the bills, your DH isn’t so special he can’t be one of those people.

ShortyShorts · 29/12/2024 14:25

I'd stop calling it a 'vocation' for a start.

It's job and one that he's not earning a living at.

He needs to go and do some actual paid work and keep the photography as a paid hobby, if he wants to.

OtterlyMad · 29/12/2024 14:26

The helplessness/laziness must be so frustrating and unattractive.

I think you just need to be honest with him that self promotion is part of being a freelance photographer and if he’s not prepared to do it then he needs to find a different way of contributing income to the household so it’s not all the pressure on you.

OriginalUsername2 · 29/12/2024 14:30

Why is he being so stupid? Is there backstory, mental health issues?

Original poster
readyfor2025 · 29/12/2024 14:34

OriginalUsername2 · 29/12/2024 14:30

Why is he being so stupid? Is there backstory, mental health issues?

@OriginalUsername2 no mental heath issues, no backstory. He used to be in house as a photographer post military. Then went freelance and did well through his network for the first few years, got pissed off with social media platforms and their copyright terms and conditions on images posted so came off Facebook, Instagram, rarely uses LinkedIn.

OP posts:
AllTheChaos · 29/12/2024 14:35

If he is self-employed but still not making any money, then it’s not actually self-employment, it’s a hobby he is occasionally able to monetise. That’s lovely, but unless you have both agreed that you will be the sole breadwinner, and he will be a stay at home husband and do everything at home, then he needs to get a job or find another way to make money and support the household.

Original poster
readyfor2025 · 29/12/2024 14:37

@AllTheChaos well we have a cleaner in 3 times a week, and he still has the gaul to tell me I don’t help around the house.

OP posts:
TinySaltLick · 29/12/2024 14:38

If you aren't doing the sales and marketing part, then it is just a hobby.

Like all freelancing - the whole basis of running a successful business is about the actual business side. Unless you are already famous and can employ a manager to do it on your behalf.

It's no different from any other trade. He'll just get outmaneuvered by peers who advertise, the skill is largely irrelevant

Vettrianofan · 29/12/2024 14:40

I am sure supermarkets are hiring ...

pimplebum · 29/12/2024 14:41

its basically a pin money hobby ! Can you sit down and draw up a budget and set some goals like a big holiday or home improvement or Pension / mortgage goal etc and then he would have a clear idea of an exact amount of money he need to make each month

for example to get the mortgage paid off by 2035 we need to over pay £1000 a month …. In order to raise that you need to do two weddings a month …. In order to do two a month you need to spend £500 a quarter on instagram Facebook advertising….

DeffoNeedANameChange · 29/12/2024 14:42

At this moment in time, he doesn't need a vocation at all - he needs a job.

Original poster
readyfor2025 · 29/12/2024 14:46

@OtterlyMad it is. He spent 2 years doing a project which won lots of international awards but didn’t pay. Has had the odd paid job here and there over the last few years but nothing consistent. And now the project is over he’s not doing anything proactive to generate more jobs.

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 29/12/2024 14:47

How much income is he bringing in? If it’s less than minimum wage, then he’d be better off working at the supermarket!

i know a couple of p/t sports photographers. They post online regularly, gets press passes for local sports events, link up with other people in the business etc. (and that’s for p/t work, not even main job!)

Maybe give him a hard line deadline. If he’s not earning £xxx by March, that’s it and he’s got to find something else.

As someone said above, it’s a hobby not a business.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 29/12/2024 14:50

This reply has been deleted

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BobbyBiscuits · 29/12/2024 14:55

@whatwouldlilacerullodo it was a joke. But thanks for the character assessment. I'll bear that mind when I'm next sectioned. 🙄

OriginalUsername2 · 29/12/2024 16:21

It sounds like you need a real conversation about the unfairness of what he’s doing. He either makes the right moves or becomes an employee to fulfil his responsibilities, otherwise the strain on the marriage is going to cause much bigger issues.

Original poster
readyfor2025 · 29/12/2024 16:37

@TinySaltLick that sums it up perfectly. If you want to be self employed you have to market yourself. No marketing, no work.

OP posts:
Startingagainandagain · 29/12/2024 17:01

I am a creative like your husband but the difference is:

  • I spend a lot of time promoting my work, on social media for example
  • I always have a part-time job on the side because I know that income for creative is never a guarantee.

I would advise your husband to do the same: promote himself better (it is a big part of a job for any artist/creative) and find a part-time job to have at least some regular money coming in.

Diversifying his photography income is also another option: if he has won awards he could aim to deliver photography workshops/teach the basics to adult learners.

Original poster
readyfor2025 · 29/12/2024 17:22

@Startingagainandagain the tutoring/courses is a good idea. The challenge I see is the lack of wanting to do self promotion. He used to do social but came off it. He won’t even go to networking events (says they’re a waste of time). Whatever he tries to self promote has no consistency to it. He then says nothing works.

OP posts:
BellesAndGraces · 29/12/2024 17:42

He then says nothing works.

Then agree that nothing works. Which means he needs to find another job. Sorry, a job as he currently doesn’t have one.

I’m sorry but you also need to accept that you are part of the problem. You have been enabling him and, if you wish to save your marriage, you now need to firmly but kindly stop and tell him he needs to find another job. Pussyfooting around his ego is just a slower way to end your marriage as the resentment will build and you will eventually leave him
anyway.

toomuchfaff · 29/12/2024 17:55

got pissed off with social media platforms and their copyright terms and conditions on images posted so came off Facebook, Instagram, rarely uses LinkedIn.

He doesn’t do any self promotion to put himself out there and expects jobs to just land based on his website and his portfolio.

Curious; doesn't he have a trust fund? Is ye Andy Warhol? No? so no name and no family money, right now he looks like an unemployed bum who contributes nothing.

If you got hit by a bus, how does he think he's playing the bills? He either starts paying 50% every single week, month, year or I'm done, down tools, taking a break.

Original poster
readyfor2025 · 29/12/2024 18:01

BellesAndGraces · 29/12/2024 17:42

He then says nothing works.

Then agree that nothing works. Which means he needs to find another job. Sorry, a job as he currently doesn’t have one.

I’m sorry but you also need to accept that you are part of the problem. You have been enabling him and, if you wish to save your marriage, you now need to firmly but kindly stop and tell him he needs to find another job. Pussyfooting around his ego is just a slower way to end your marriage as the resentment will build and you will eventually leave him
anyway.

It doesn’t work because he’s not consistent in his activity. I don’t enable. And I certainly don’t pussyfoot. I’ve taken on a lot of the financial responsibility over the last few years. And now his love project has finished he needs to either get the photography to pay as it once did, for his own sake. Or get a job again for his own sake. I don’t care if I’m the only earner/main earner. I care that he’s busy for his own sanity and not faffing around all day.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 29/12/2024 19:21

readyfor2025 · 29/12/2024 17:22

@Startingagainandagain the tutoring/courses is a good idea. The challenge I see is the lack of wanting to do self promotion. He used to do social but came off it. He won’t even go to networking events (says they’re a waste of time). Whatever he tries to self promote has no consistency to it. He then says nothing works.

Alison.com has some free courses on marketing like this one

Introduction to marketing

Maybe he just needs to finally get his head around it properly to understand it’s a long game of repeated exposure and building trust.

An Introduction to Marketing | Free Online Course | Alison

This free online course introduces you to marketing as you acquire the skills to build a brand to increase awareness of your organization and yourself.

https://alison.com/course/an-introduction-to-marketing