I am absolutely floored.
i have been with my partner for over 4 years, we live together, and have planned a whole life together. He's the most wonderful man I've ever met, makes me feel loved, valued and respected every day, and treats my child like his own. I had a difficult childhood and spend years in a very abusive relationship before I met him and, though it took me a long time to trust him, he's helped me rebuild my confidence and helped to show me my worth. I adore him and pinch myself every day because I can't believe how lucky I am.
Last night I saw a notification for some kind of cam girl app pop up on his phone. Having never had any cause to check his phone before, this made me suspicious and I had a look.
Oh my fucking god. I found several foreign apps that are renowned for being used by sex workers abroad. He has made accounts and sent HUNDREDS of messages dating back over a year. Every message is similar, with him talking in an utterly disgusting way. No chatting or anything like that, just straight up instant filth and demands. Inviting these women to 'come fuck me in my hotel' (with a link to a hotel in the Philippines). He's been requesting photos and videos.
Utterly depraved stuff. One message had an escort respond and say she was with her friend but was on her period. He replied telling her to bring her friend and 'I'll fuck you both in the arse'. 'Let's fuck without a condom, I don't care if you're not clean' etc. Absolutely rancid, degrading talk which is nothing like the man I know.
The cam girl app showed he has been making several calls a day for private viewings.
These aren't burner accounts - he has added photos of himself (several are cropped images. Me and my daughter are in the originals which makes me sick to my stomach).
I immediately confronted him and he has now admitted everything to me (after being backed into a corner). He has always been a little insecure because he has big issues with erectile dysfunction and being able to ejaculate at all. This is something i have always been very supportive over and have mentioned therapy or seeing his doctor but have never pushed the issue as i didnt want him to think I thought it was a big deal. It turns out his insecurity runs much deeper than I knew, and he has essentially been living a totally different life online to over compensate for the reality of his condition. Apparently he never wanted to actually meet any of these women (hence why they are all foreign apps with him pretending to live abroad etc) but was getting some kind of validation by pretending to be someone able to do the things he can't. validation from someone paid to fucking do these things
He's devastated, keeps saying how disgusted and ashamed he is and how he's buried his head in the sand because of how emasculating the condition is for him. He has made an appointment to speak with a therapist and a doctor and has deleted all the apps. He has offered full transparency and access to his devices and accounts.
But how am I supposed to feel about this? Sexual intent towards anyone else is cheating in my relationship, and he has sent revoltingly explicit messages to hundreds of women. He has laid next to me in bed telling me he loves me and planning our lives together and 10 minutes after I'm asleep has invited prostitutes to hotels on the other side of the world. He's utterly betrayed me, destroyed my trust, and he is not the man I thought he was if he's been able to compartmentalise his life and justify this obscene behaviour for so long. I'm no shrinking violet, and had he asked to do some kind of role play etc in the bedroom I'd have happily given it a go. If he'd told me how much his issue was affecting him mentally, I'd have been there with him every step of the recovery process. He claims he doesn't actually want to do any of these things to women and knows how vile it is, but he's also been pleasuring himself while saying them.
How can I now stand by a man who has shown me what lengths he will go to to avoid facing a problem head on? A man who has treated hundreds of women like they are bits of meat for his enjoyment, and who has gotten off on speaking to them that way. Yes, he's now seeking help, but purely because I have backed him into a corner. He hasn't come clean of his own accord, and if I hadn't found out he would still be doing it right now. He's shown himself to be a liar, a serial cheat, and an utterly selfish coward.
I genuinely feel sorry for him and do believe all this stems from some seriously deep rooted mental health issues. But I also know I am worth so much more than this. He hasn't considered me or our life together at all, and has made the active choice to put this disgusting behaviour first. I hope he does get the help he clearly needs, but I will never again let myself be in a relationship without trust, or one where I am forced to live in a constant state of worry and paranoid and hypervigilance because of someone else's actions.
I don't know what I'm posting for really. A vent more than anything else. If this was happening to anyone else I would tell them to show him the door and never look back. I'm heartbroken.