Partner is a serial online cheat

[Plantsandplanets]

I am absolutely floored.

i have been with my partner for over 4 years, we live together, and have planned a whole life together. He's the most wonderful man I've ever met, makes me feel loved, valued and respected every day, and treats my child like his own. I had a difficult childhood and spend years in a very abusive relationship before I met him and, though it took me a long time to trust him, he's helped me rebuild my confidence and helped to show me my worth. I adore him and pinch myself every day because I can't believe how lucky I am.

Last night I saw a notification for some kind of cam girl app pop up on his phone. Having never had any cause to check his phone before, this made me suspicious and I had a look.

Oh my fucking god. I found several foreign apps that are renowned for being used by sex workers abroad. He has made accounts and sent HUNDREDS of messages dating back over a year. Every message is similar, with him talking in an utterly disgusting way. No chatting or anything like that, just straight up instant filth and demands. Inviting these women to 'come fuck me in my hotel' (with a link to a hotel in the Philippines). He's been requesting photos and videos.

Utterly depraved stuff. One message had an escort respond and say she was with her friend but was on her period. He replied telling her to bring her friend and 'I'll fuck you both in the arse'. 'Let's fuck without a condom, I don't care if you're not clean' etc. Absolutely rancid, degrading talk which is nothing like the man I know.

The cam girl app showed he has been making several calls a day for private viewings.

These aren't burner accounts - he has added photos of himself (several are cropped images. Me and my daughter are in the originals which makes me sick to my stomach).

I immediately confronted him and he has now admitted everything to me (after being backed into a corner). He has always been a little insecure because he has big issues with erectile dysfunction and being able to ejaculate at all. This is something i have always been very supportive over and have mentioned therapy or seeing his doctor but have never pushed the issue as i didnt want him to think I thought it was a big deal. It turns out his insecurity runs much deeper than I knew, and he has essentially been living a totally different life online to over compensate for the reality of his condition. Apparently he never wanted to actually meet any of these women (hence why they are all foreign apps with him pretending to live abroad etc) but was getting some kind of validation by pretending to be someone able to do the things he can't. validation from someone paid to fucking do these things

He's devastated, keeps saying how disgusted and ashamed he is and how he's buried his head in the sand because of how emasculating the condition is for him. He has made an appointment to speak with a therapist and a doctor and has deleted all the apps. He has offered full transparency and access to his devices and accounts.

But how am I supposed to feel about this? Sexual intent towards anyone else is cheating in my relationship, and he has sent revoltingly explicit messages to hundreds of women. He has laid next to me in bed telling me he loves me and planning our lives together and 10 minutes after I'm asleep has invited prostitutes to hotels on the other side of the world. He's utterly betrayed me, destroyed my trust, and he is not the man I thought he was if he's been able to compartmentalise his life and justify this obscene behaviour for so long. I'm no shrinking violet, and had he asked to do some kind of role play etc in the bedroom I'd have happily given it a go. If he'd told me how much his issue was affecting him mentally, I'd have been there with him every step of the recovery process. He claims he doesn't actually want to do any of these things to women and knows how vile it is, but he's also been pleasuring himself while saying them.

How can I now stand by a man who has shown me what lengths he will go to to avoid facing a problem head on? A man who has treated hundreds of women like they are bits of meat for his enjoyment, and who has gotten off on speaking to them that way. Yes, he's now seeking help, but purely because I have backed him into a corner. He hasn't come clean of his own accord, and if I hadn't found out he would still be doing it right now. He's shown himself to be a liar, a serial cheat, and an utterly selfish coward.

I genuinely feel sorry for him and do believe all this stems from some seriously deep rooted mental health issues. But I also know I am worth so much more than this. He hasn't considered me or our life together at all, and has made the active choice to put this disgusting behaviour first. I hope he does get the help he clearly needs, but I will never again let myself be in a relationship without trust, or one where I am forced to live in a constant state of worry and paranoid and hypervigilance because of someone else's actions.

I don't know what I'm posting for really. A vent more than anything else. If this was happening to anyone else I would tell them to show him the door and never look back. I'm heartbroken.

@Plantsandplanets yep- I'm so sorry -there really are some sleazy bastards out there and sadly many present as nice respectable family men - there isa good support thread on Reddit called loveafterporn if you need to feel not so alone- many many women who have been utterly bamboozled finding out the secretive stuff their Hs and partners became addicted to -

First thing is get yourself to the doctors and have all the tests done. You need to know you are safe.
You can't believe what he says and who knows how many prostitutes he has seen. He may not have any erectile dysfunction with them - because he can treat them a certain way and that enables him to do his business.
You are different. He can't treat you that way. So the emotional attachment to you may be the reason for his ED issues there.
I just wouldn't believe him if he said he had never seen a prostitute in person.
If you stay with him You'll spend months or years trying to forgive but you'll never forget and now youve seen him in a different light it can't go back.
You have to end it and find someone with respect for women.

Holy shit. If nobody else has said it, I'm sorry to say this stuff is perverted! Run. Get your child away from this guy.

Op he doesn't sound like a nice person and I'm not going to try and sugar coat it a lot of these foreign apps that have "cam girls" these poor women get trapped/forced into it not saying this is the case here but the type of man who could take advantage of someone's vulnerability like that when they have no choice to do what they have to do does not come across as a nice person to me.

Its your choice what you decide to do but this doesn't come across as someone that respects women in any way

So sorry OP that you've had such an awful shock 😔 he is obviously not the man you thought he was at all. This is not your failing - he was able to lead this double life and be so deceptive that you didn't have any suspicions.

I'm glad it's your house and you didn't marry him. It should therefore be pretty straightforward to get him out of your life and your daughter's life. You deserve so much better 💐

A therapist on here the other day said ‘therapists aren’t magicians’ and it stuck with me.
You cannot spend time and headspace on a man with deep seated issues like this, and even if he does make some progress, I very much doubt you’d be able to have any kind of relationship with him.
So sorry for what you found, so upsetting for you.

Get rid of him.

Perfectly rational married men have gambled hundreds of thousands of money, the house sale proceeds and only admitted it once there was nothing in the bank account.

@Kosenrufugirl
Nobody who has done something like that is perfectly rational.

He's sorry he got caught that's all. The tears, the self loathing, booking therapists, deleting apps, handing over devices. Too little. Too late.

You must be absolutely reeling, but don't even think about allowing this depraved creature to be around you and your child for a second longer than necessary. You have discovered what he really thinks about women. Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to find reasons for it.

He's a common cheat, and the "woe is me, my willy doesn't work properly and I thought this would be OK" is an absolute insult to your intelligence. He's stamped all over your relationship and it is now destroyed.

As you say, your house, you're not married and you can support yourself - get on with your new life as soon as possible and leave this low life to his seedy wanks as his alter ego. I could never let him touch me again.

I know you're absolutely right. I do actually believe that he's sorry, but he's sorry he was caught. He wasn't sorry enough to not do it in the first place, to stop of his own accord, or to come clean to me. He knew how I would react if I ever found out but he was willing to risk everything we had to momentarily make himself feel like Billy big balls by degrading women rather than facing up to whatever ED issue he has.

No one is rational in the midst of addiction. I am not saying OP should stay. However addiction can play funny tricks on people https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-13527277/The-day-bank-told-husband-gambled-away-money-house-decided-stay-him.html

The case above is not an isolated one, there are many similar

You're so right. I've worked very long and hard on my own mental health after my previous experiences and was single for about 4 years before meeting him because I wasn't in the right mental space for a relationship. I'm not willing to become frantic and paranoid and sacrifice what I've worked for to appease a man who has pulled the wool over my eyes for so long, and I can't let my little girl ever believe this is tolerable behaviour.

I wou e looking at his ED in a whole new light. I think he probably can’t get off without degrading a woman and being vile.

Omg he,s a vile specimen. Get shot of him you'd never trust him again.

I have said this to him too - this isn't behaviour anyone should tolerate and if my daughter told me someone treated her this way I'd tell her to get out as fast as she could because she's worth so much more. It's so sad - I left her absent sperm donor when she was a baby because of constant degrading abuse and I was adamant I wouldn't model that kind of relationship for her. I worked so hard on learning to be myself again and was single for a long time. The first long term relationship I've had since has ended like this. I'm devastated but I know I deserve better, and my little girl needs to grow up knowing sickening behaviour under the guise of 'I still love you' shouldn't be tolerated in relationships

Your partner's issues may stem from the fact he has a fetish for 'talking dirty' and 'degrading' a woman during sex. He's unable to become erect or maintain an erection, because he needs the fetish side to be able to enjoy sex and orgasm. This is the basic definition of a fetish, it's something that's needed in order to enjoy sex and orgasm. He's able to pleasure himself, maintain an erection and orgasm because these 'online women' are providing the fetish part, that he needs. You can't solve this issue for him. I don't know much about fetishes, and if counselling will help. However, none of this is your problem and it's not for you to solve. He's clearly never told you of his fetish, probably because deep down he knows you'd be horrified (as most women would). No, he wouldn't have ever told you, he'd have continued with his double life. The only reason he's attempting to seek help, is because he's been cornered. A therapist can only help if he's honest about his fetish. Going forward, you have lost all trust in him and respect. You know, this relationship has to come to an end for your own mental health. You will find someone else who deserves you.

It really does go to show you never know what someone is capable of. I'm a very shrewd, suspicious by nature type of person and have literally never once questioned if he would do anything like this (or anything involving cheating - I don't think anyone would anticipate the sheer level of what he's done). He's a middle class, professional, educated man with what appeared to be a very normal life. All his family are lovely. He never spends extended time away, doesn't really 'go out with the lads', isn't a heavy drinker, and has as far as I was aware genuinely was just a lovely family man. Possibly very shallow and definitely naive of me, but he's not the sort of person I'd have ever pictured doing something like this.

Obviously all utter shite now I've seen what he's done behind my back, but I'm finding it so difficult to reconcile the man I thought he was with the man he's shown himself to be.

You sound very strong and like you want to set such a good example to your daughter.

It must be so shocking and hurtful that this man would engage in this kind of thing while in an apparently loving relationship with you. Excuses about his feelings of being emasculated just don't cut it.

As you say, you are worth so much more and you deserve more.
What a pathetic loser this man is to destroy a decent relationship like this.

Obviously all utter shite now I've seen what he's done behind my back, but I'm finding it so difficult to reconcile the man I thought he was with the man he's shown himself to be.

You'll never unsee it, unfortunately. Shit like this has long term ramifications, even on new relationships. Which is the most unfair aspect of this - he has changed you forever.
Also, where was his ED when he was wanking to this? He probably backed himself into a corner where this sort of crappy behaviour was the only thing that turned him on. Bleurgh.
Sorry OP. Onwards! Sending strength.

They are narcs though

Your responses are slightly worrying to me. Just because he is middle class and has a decent job doesn't connect to his views & relationships to women.
Who cares where his ED issues stem from or his lack of respect for women- it's there and it's not going away so stop trying to problem solve.
You sound like you are also trying to consider staying with him?
You should be genuinely concerned about having him anywhere near your daughter or her friends.
A therapist can't change this. He can pretend he will stop and change but all the things he is offering to do won't be enough ten times over.
Don't waste your time trying to convince yourself you'll forgive and that he will be able to change.
Set an example to your daughter and get away from this man as fast as possible.

I may have worded my previous response poorly - I just meant I never even had an inkling he could think or speak to and about women like that, and I previously had an image of the kind of man who did those things and it was nothing like him. Like I say, absolute naivety at it's finest.

I know I'll never be able to forgive or move on from this in the relationship. I think I'm in a state of shock, it's all come out so abruptly.