Partner is a serial online cheat

[Plantsandplanets]

I am absolutely floored.

i have been with my partner for over 4 years, we live together, and have planned a whole life together. He's the most wonderful man I've ever met, makes me feel loved, valued and respected every day, and treats my child like his own. I had a difficult childhood and spend years in a very abusive relationship before I met him and, though it took me a long time to trust him, he's helped me rebuild my confidence and helped to show me my worth. I adore him and pinch myself every day because I can't believe how lucky I am.

Last night I saw a notification for some kind of cam girl app pop up on his phone. Having never had any cause to check his phone before, this made me suspicious and I had a look.

Oh my fucking god. I found several foreign apps that are renowned for being used by sex workers abroad. He has made accounts and sent HUNDREDS of messages dating back over a year. Every message is similar, with him talking in an utterly disgusting way. No chatting or anything like that, just straight up instant filth and demands. Inviting these women to 'come fuck me in my hotel' (with a link to a hotel in the Philippines). He's been requesting photos and videos.

Utterly depraved stuff. One message had an escort respond and say she was with her friend but was on her period. He replied telling her to bring her friend and 'I'll fuck you both in the arse'. 'Let's fuck without a condom, I don't care if you're not clean' etc. Absolutely rancid, degrading talk which is nothing like the man I know.

The cam girl app showed he has been making several calls a day for private viewings.

These aren't burner accounts - he has added photos of himself (several are cropped images. Me and my daughter are in the originals which makes me sick to my stomach).

I immediately confronted him and he has now admitted everything to me (after being backed into a corner). He has always been a little insecure because he has big issues with erectile dysfunction and being able to ejaculate at all. This is something i have always been very supportive over and have mentioned therapy or seeing his doctor but have never pushed the issue as i didnt want him to think I thought it was a big deal. It turns out his insecurity runs much deeper than I knew, and he has essentially been living a totally different life online to over compensate for the reality of his condition. Apparently he never wanted to actually meet any of these women (hence why they are all foreign apps with him pretending to live abroad etc) but was getting some kind of validation by pretending to be someone able to do the things he can't. validation from someone paid to fucking do these things

He's devastated, keeps saying how disgusted and ashamed he is and how he's buried his head in the sand because of how emasculating the condition is for him. He has made an appointment to speak with a therapist and a doctor and has deleted all the apps. He has offered full transparency and access to his devices and accounts.

But how am I supposed to feel about this? Sexual intent towards anyone else is cheating in my relationship, and he has sent revoltingly explicit messages to hundreds of women. He has laid next to me in bed telling me he loves me and planning our lives together and 10 minutes after I'm asleep has invited prostitutes to hotels on the other side of the world. He's utterly betrayed me, destroyed my trust, and he is not the man I thought he was if he's been able to compartmentalise his life and justify this obscene behaviour for so long. I'm no shrinking violet, and had he asked to do some kind of role play etc in the bedroom I'd have happily given it a go. If he'd told me how much his issue was affecting him mentally, I'd have been there with him every step of the recovery process. He claims he doesn't actually want to do any of these things to women and knows how vile it is, but he's also been pleasuring himself while saying them.

How can I now stand by a man who has shown me what lengths he will go to to avoid facing a problem head on? A man who has treated hundreds of women like they are bits of meat for his enjoyment, and who has gotten off on speaking to them that way. Yes, he's now seeking help, but purely because I have backed him into a corner. He hasn't come clean of his own accord, and if I hadn't found out he would still be doing it right now. He's shown himself to be a liar, a serial cheat, and an utterly selfish coward.

I genuinely feel sorry for him and do believe all this stems from some seriously deep rooted mental health issues. But I also know I am worth so much more than this. He hasn't considered me or our life together at all, and has made the active choice to put this disgusting behaviour first. I hope he does get the help he clearly needs, but I will never again let myself be in a relationship without trust, or one where I am forced to live in a constant state of worry and paranoid and hypervigilance because of someone else's actions.

I don't know what I'm posting for really. A vent more than anything else. If this was happening to anyone else I would tell them to show him the door and never look back. I'm heartbroken.

I’m talking specifically about men who previously had normal beliefs about women and healthy relationships who are subsequently are gripped by porn and develop disgusting sexual habits and even more disgusting beliefs about women as a result

You think that's a likely scenario?

Is the man in question likely to admit he never had "normal" (acceptable) beliefs about women.

Anyway, this is a bit of a "side" debate - because this doesn't apply to the ops partner, does it?

Because he acted entirely like he had normal beliefs about women and healthy relationships and didn't have "disgusting sexual habits and beliefs about women" in terms of the op. He was/is a split personality on that front.

Even if excess porn use made him this way (I don't think so!), he still wants a "normal, healthy" relationship with a woman and still acts like he doesn't have "disgusting beliefs". Which suggests that he's rather calculated and self aware about it all.

When you’re using porn three, four, ten times a day whatever you’re watching becomes ‘samey’ and stops giving you a kick. So you look for something different. That’s the same for any enjoyable behaviour.

People who are not disordered generally naturally cut back when they get to the stage of watching porn past moderation. They have other interests, hobbies, preoccupations etc. and they don't prioritise watching porn over everything else.

If you can't/don't do this - it says a lot about your character and "wiring".
Best not to get involved or stay involved with people who are prone to behaviour like this.

Anyway, the "escalation of material" theory - also claimed by CSA men - doesn't hang together quite as neatly or convincingly as they think. Partly because not all heavy porn users escalate to videos of degradation/extreme sex acts with adults, and the vast majority of heavy porn users don't escalate to images & videos of child sex abuse (how you "escalate" to images of child sex abuse when they are not available on the standard web, one has to wonder) .... so it still says something about those who do.

And it says something about op's stbx partner.

*People who are not disordered generally naturally cut back when they get to the stage of watching porn past moderation. They have other interests, hobbies, preoccupations etc. and they don't prioritise watching porn over everything else.

Just to clarify, a not disordered person's response to finding porn boring or samey through excess use ...is to fall out of/cut back on watching so much porn ....not seek out and masturbate to more and more extreme & abhorrent material (and in the case of CS abusers - images and videos of CSA - as they claim).

This "they seek out more extreme stuff to get the same hit, you see" is a fallacy.
Lots of people are spouting it, but they're not thinking about the alternative scenario. .... the scenario that millions of porn users enact every day.

Even if this theory is true, it's only true for some people.

And those people, like the apparently 1 in 5 who cheat in monogamous relationships, are people best avoided, rather than stayed with and "worked with".

Having been in a very similar position myself with a man I discovered was a serial sex pest, porn addict, escort visiting predator I would say that his erectile issues are due to porn. A death grip being part of the reason. Mine became increasingly frustrated. Also he’s incredibly misogynistic, as was he, he’s wearing a mask for you, he won’t change. Please leave. It doesn’t get better

He probably hasn't even got ED, it's just overused from all the wanking.

Just so you know this post has no appeared on the Facebook page.

Wishing you all the best and sending strength to leave and create a better life for you and Dd.

I haven’t RTFT because some of these issues hit close to home, but I can promise you, the ED issues are 100% the result of the porn addiction. Unfortunately as I’ve pulled from the nerdy quiet men dating pool in the past, I’ve dealt with this several times - they fuck up their brain and body with excessive porn use. Now I am zero tolerance of porn in a relationship because it has been so destructive.

But regardless, this is an extreme situation, and I’d absolutely get out of there. This man is warped, his behaviour is sick and I can’t see him stopping. Even if he did say he’d quit, the fact he’s pursuing prostitutes is too much of a red flag for real life cheating.

Porn addiction causes ED. I think his ED and inability to orgasm are a consequence of this behaviour and not vice versa. He may not realise this himself. (sadly I know this from bitter experience with a similar situation.). Personally I’d run. It doesn’t get better.

He hasn’t got ED, normal sex just doesn’t do it for him that’s all, he sounds addicted to sex and has a fetish and that’s what he needs to get an erection and orgasm.

Why are they always devastated after being caught and never before?

You will get a lot of hate for this comment but I completely agree with you and couldn't have wordered it better!

He has sexual fantasies ( which most of Mumsnet don't appear to have and probably think anything other than missionary with the lights off it's outrageous) and yes he's gone about it in a very disrespectful manner but the poor bloke is obviously embarrassed so dealt with it in a bad way.

He's paying women on the internet who do this for a living... don't all come at him. It's not like he's doing it to women local who he'll physically have interactions with. If you don't like the things he's into he probably didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable either.

If everything else in your relationship is perfect and he's everything you ever wanted then therapy is the way forward. Would've been a good starting point in the first place but life isn't easy and not are relationships.

He's paying women on the internet who do this for a living... don't all come at him

I must have missed the part where he transferred money to the prostitutes on the apps in third world countries whom he was messaging ordering to come to his hotel & let him fuck them and their mate up the arse etc. ...... thereby wasting their messaging time, wasting their travel time if they did actually go to the hotel, and verbally abusing/sexting them to get himself off without payment.

Could you point out to me where he paid them ??

He's paying women on the internet who do this for a living... don't all come at him

Using sex workers online while in an exclusive relationship is cheating; unless discussed and agreed with your partner. He let op believe their relationship was exclusive. He didn't discuss or agree using cam sex workers with the op.

You're either a man or your standards are Lily Phillips level.

He has sexual fantasies ( which most of Mumsnet don't appear to have and probably think anything other than missionary with the lights off it's outrageous)

I know some things are difficult for some people to understand but there is something between extreme black and white.

Nice that you feel the need to insult MN users with a load of Bullshit.
(While advocating acceptance of men using sex workers online while in exclusive relationships).

Oh and the same men would not, in a month of Sundays, accept their wives and girlfriends doing the equivalent.
Or even if they did, that would have to be agreed between partners. This was never agreed (or discussed) by him because he knows he'd search for years unsuccessfully before he ever got a nice woman (a woman he'd otherwise want to be with) to agree to it.

He wouldn't want to be with a woman who does what he does.

Oh and he's a limp dick.

How boring and dissatisfactory for the op

She can get someone else who can actually fuck - without him having to fantasise about anal and contracting STDs with young third world prostitutes, and actually go on their apps messaging them about it.

He clearly has issues with women and what he needs to get turned on.
His ED with you, and his ability to pleasure himself with this sort of chat to sex workers suggests he NEEDS it to be dirty and depraved for him to get his kicks.

Thank goodness you’ve found out, and found out now rather than years down the line.
Make him leave, take a breath, and move on with your life. xx

My child’s father was like this. I found out he was sending these girls money too for them sending him videos. But he wouldn’t always pay them. All this while our daughter was in hospital fighting for her life.

I highly recommend the Book Why Does He do That? By Lundy Bancroft. You can normally find it free as pdf on Google. In summary, these men are the issue, not you and they’ll never change. It was the book that made me leave a secure house and the father of my child .

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I don’t have any specific advice, but I certainly couldn’t deal with this as it’s a complete breach of trust and I could never look at him in the same way again. I hate this world of technology and how it seems to make such seediness so easy.

I hate this world of technology and how it seems to make such seediness so easy.

It's not really the technology though is it.

There are presumably quite a few men with internet access in exclusive relationships who have managed not to use cam sex workers and who have managed not to research third world country prostitution sites/groups, repeatedly message the prostitutes obscene demands/commends & make bogus call-outs to hotels he's also presumably searched up.

So it's not really the technology.

It's him.

💯

My ex husband (a serial online cheat and user of escorts) did this to me. Found out he arranged, went to and then did not pay by running off from a woman he booked. He did this then came directly to meet me and I paid for dinner. I was 9 months pregnant.

These men are highly dangerous individuals towards women. In my case, ex is a pathological abuser who refuses me access to my children as punishment for leaving him. They hate women. You must leave him and protect your daughter.