Long distance affair

[JoyJill]

I'm interested to hear other people's experiences on the whole affair subject.

17 years ago my hubby had an affair which lasted for 4 years off / on. He was experiencing grief, job & health issues & he dealt with it in a self destructive way. We had counselling etc. So in the end I stayed for the sake of the family but mainly for the children. But I never really got over it if I'm honest. At the time I also reached out to a significant ex who lives in Ireland via fb. He is married, has kids etc. He didn't respond.

Anyway life rolled on, me & hubby bumped along & then I lost my parents within a year of each other. Shortly after my Irish ex got in touch, hadn't seen my message was rarely on social media but was thrilled I'd reached out. This was 4 years after I'd sent the message. We then ended up messaging each other constantly. It was overwhelming the feelings it stirred up, I couldn't sleep or eat. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. After a few months I asked him to back off, I was massively grieving & couldn't cope with the intensity of our emotions on top of the grief.

For a further 5 years we messaged each other twice a year to ask how our lives were going. Usually at Xmas & in the summer. Then he contacted me to say he was coming to my home town as his daughter was at uni there now, could I meet him? I was curious so I went.

We have now been having an affair for over a year. He bought a motorbike & comes over to visit me on it, his wife hates the motorbike but we go off on it around the UK. I tell hubby I'm away with work. My AP takes my biking stuff back with him & stashes it in their garage. I have felt more alive than ever & have fallen in love with him again. But now I've decided to separate from my hubby. We have no kids at home anymore & are living separate lives. I believe it's time to live my life now. However this is where I'm stuck. My AP still has kids at home, I know the pull of staying for them. I'm more than prepared to move to be with this man to Ireland, he's made me the happiest I've been in years. However I'm not prepared to wait forever.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, interested to hear other experiences.

Wow

His poor wife. You're both behaving appallingly.

It's all very cringe. Maybe try getting some hobbies and focusing on you.

I'm sorry your husband cheated but you. You have clearly been through some rough times over the years. You seem to need male validation to make you 'hapoy' and this has disaster written all over it.

Leave your husband, stop having an affair with a married man, and sort your head out.

God that's a bit of a mess.
You need to separate the issues. You don't love your husband and you don't children as an excuse to stay anymore. So do the right thing and leave.

Your AP is never going to leave. He will do the tortured soul script but never leave. Don't move to Ireland for him. Live your life, single, and you'll find someone who is right for you. And that isn't someone who is wearing a wedding ring given to him by someone else.

You’re in love. To him you’re his illicit shag on the side to make his mundane life more interesting. If you were more than that, he’d be with you.

Well what a fantastic marriage you had.

Your AF is just that - a bit on the side and an escape from the reality of family life.

You stayed for your kids - walk away and stop another family being broken up for your sordid shag fantasy world.

The casual way you are thinking about going about breaking up his family is breathtaking.

So you never really got over your husband cheating but it is OK for you to cheat with someone else's husband?! Did you really think you would get women in here saying good for you. Your both disgusting and him even more so lying to his wife . I hope the wife discovers your little stash, kicks him out and screws him for all she get . And good luck with Dad of the Year . Grow up and shape up you're not in some movie . 😡

I understand & respect peoples opinions, however I did ask for other people's experiences. This relationship with my AP started in our 20s, we were unable to stay together then but we stayed in touch for 6 further years. We cut contact when we met our spouses. We have now been in touch again for 5 years, in an affair for a year. This is not an overnight decision or a sordid shag. But everyone's entitled to their opinion. However I ask respectfully for helpful comments only.

He
Doesn't
Love
You

Seriously..I posted last weekend about a friend of mine who has got embroiled in a horrendous affair..no one has come out well.

What is the APa stance on the leaving his wife and what does he say about their marriage?

All the comments have been helpful. And of course it's sordid. He has a wife and children that you're screwing over. Have some self-respect.

As you are quickly finding out, you can't dictate how people will respond to a post you make on a public forum.

This section in particular is full of women who have been cheated on....I doubt more than 1 out of 100 responses are going to support you in your current actions, or give you any advice on how to get your affair partner to leave his wife.

By "helpful" comments, I'm presuming you want people to respond with how their relationship started as an affair and how everyone is happy now and it was all for the best?

The reality is, you'll move to Ireland which (I don't want to generalise too much) tends to have communities where everyone knows everything.

IF (and it's a big IF) your AP leaves his wife, she will hate you, their kids will hate you and most likely the community will shun you because you're the OW and the OW tends to take the brunt of the blame for a marriage breakdown.

I mean, it's possible the wife will clap her hands with delight and say "you've been having an affair? How lovely! Do run along and live your best life with the OW, in fact, keep the house and only see the kids once a month, I'll disappear completely and tell everyone what a fantastic fella you are as I go."

But...

Well, go ahead and leave your husband. That seems like the right thing to do whatever happens.

Don't pin all your hopes on the other guy leaving his wife though. It's one thing to have great sex and fun together, another to burn his life down at home.

No judgement here OP .
You need to have a sincere heart to heart conversation with your AP .
Find out what he really wants.

Would his wife agree with this view of the situation? Would your husband?

This isn't destiny, meant to be, star crossed lovers. This is two people lying to their spouses and preparing to blow up their families.

My AP & his wife live separate lives, we have talked about the impact of either one of us moving to be with the other one.

You mentioned you’re separated from your husband and no longer have kids at home, and that this man still has children at home. But what about his wife? Are they separated too? It’s all fine and well that you feel like you’re in a better position now (despite the years of having an affair), but you haven’t said anything about her. From what you’ve shared, it doesn’t sound like he has any plans to divorce her, does it?

Also, where was she when he was cruising you around the UK on his motorbike?

Honestly, I’m not sure what you expect people to say here. This is one huge mess. It sounds like you need to take a step back, focus on yourself, and avoid entangling yourself in an affair with a married man— because what he’s doing with you now, having an affair behind his wife’s back, is exactly what your husband did to you all those years ago.

Straight out of the "married man wanting a shag handbook of quotes to fool gullible women"

Please, do the right thing and break it off, his wife is a woman with emotions and feelings too. You were in that position once, did you revel in it?

You also only have the word of a proven liar that he and his wife live seperate lives. I highly doubt you actually care, so long as you get what you want. Doesn't matter if it destroys the lives of his wife and kids.

What's helpful?

Telling you well done on your true love story? Fuck the trauma you both are going to cause because it's the real deal.

So your willing to move to Ireland. While he still has kids at home. So fuck their childhood because your kids are grown.

Were his family, his wife family and all their friends live. What's your belief about what will happen? Your relationship will be welcomed with open arms?

His wife doesn't hate his bike, she hates his selfishness at fcking off and leaving her the responsibility of their family. That's without realising she has been abused emotionally, financially and shirked with being the responsible parent.

Or will he move and abandon his kids? So you can set up somewhere that people won't know your sordid backstory?

Real life isn't bike rides, and fucking on sly with Facebook messages thrown in.

I think you need to end your own marriage, end the affair and tell your AP to back off until he's single. Don't even think about moving country until you've been together (if he leaves his wife) until you've spent a considerable amount of time together.

"This is not a sordid shag ". Oh yes it is . Sleazy deceitful and you are having sex with a married man . But of course yours is the love story of the century . You can deceive yourself but don't try to convince others that this is some sort of wonderful event . He's a lying cheating bastard.