Long distance affair

[JoyJill]

I'm interested to hear other people's experiences on the whole affair subject.

17 years ago my hubby had an affair which lasted for 4 years off / on. He was experiencing grief, job & health issues & he dealt with it in a self destructive way. We had counselling etc. So in the end I stayed for the sake of the family but mainly for the children. But I never really got over it if I'm honest. At the time I also reached out to a significant ex who lives in Ireland via fb. He is married, has kids etc. He didn't respond.

Anyway life rolled on, me & hubby bumped along & then I lost my parents within a year of each other. Shortly after my Irish ex got in touch, hadn't seen my message was rarely on social media but was thrilled I'd reached out. This was 4 years after I'd sent the message. We then ended up messaging each other constantly. It was overwhelming the feelings it stirred up, I couldn't sleep or eat. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. After a few months I asked him to back off, I was massively grieving & couldn't cope with the intensity of our emotions on top of the grief.

For a further 5 years we messaged each other twice a year to ask how our lives were going. Usually at Xmas & in the summer. Then he contacted me to say he was coming to my home town as his daughter was at uni there now, could I meet him? I was curious so I went.

We have now been having an affair for over a year. He bought a motorbike & comes over to visit me on it, his wife hates the motorbike but we go off on it around the UK. I tell hubby I'm away with work. My AP takes my biking stuff back with him & stashes it in their garage. I have felt more alive than ever & have fallen in love with him again. But now I've decided to separate from my hubby. We have no kids at home anymore & are living separate lives. I believe it's time to live my life now. However this is where I'm stuck. My AP still has kids at home, I know the pull of staying for them. I'm more than prepared to move to be with this man to Ireland, he's made me the happiest I've been in years. However I'm not prepared to wait forever.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, interested to hear other experiences.

Choosing to fuck someone else’s partner isn’t ’a mistake’ it’s a conscious choice with consequences. No one has to be ‘perfect’ to know it’s disgusting behaviour

People are in all sorts of relationships, however the line

My wife and I live separate lives

and the variations on that theme is a very common line to feed a potential AP.

If this man was so keen on the OP why didn't he leave his DW to shack up with her? He hasn't so it's just a line to get her into bed so he can feed her the very least he needs to to keep her attached and hoping. Lets face it the OP is so smitten she is considering upending her life to live in another country potentially where she won't be all that welcome considering her current lowly status as AP. On the otherhand this man has a wife, family, DC and a warm wet hole to dip into when he gets bored, why would he change that eh?

Why APs who are attached are so happy to live off the dregs of their APs time and effort it just astounding.

And that’s how you justify it to yourself is it? If it wasn’t you it would be someone else - do you might as well get yours eh?

I hear what you are saying. His wife does know of me as in previous ex. I'm now newly separated & am deciding on next steps. He only has one daughter still at home but early 20s. His wife is a director - lives for her work, so I do believe they live separate lives due to the amount of trips he makes.

OP, how do you think you leaving the country to move in with your married affair partner would impact your children?

Wait he isn't leaving 'because of a 20 year old'?

Yeah. He's lying.

AWWWWWW, his evil workaholic wife neglects him
Pooor man, no wonder he is shagging someone else

I don't have a black-and-white view of affairs (I'll concede I may feel differently had I been cheated on) and I've seen several very happy relationships that began as affairs. However, they are very rare and the evidence base does not support the odds of this ending well.

I can't remember the source now (and CBA to find it) but I read an academic article about how reconnecting on social media with old flames (particularly first loves) has a higher than average incidence of leading to an affair than any other social media connection. The psychology is complex but owes a lot to feelings which connect you to your youth and/or a time in your life when you felt more alive and vibrant. You're essentially chasing the endorphin rush of how an affair makes you feel rather than the person themselves. That's why so many affairs fall apart when they are discovered (suddenly the feel good is replaced by guilt, shame and the judgment of others) or when the mundanity of real life replaces the alternative reality bubble that affairs exist in while secret (a motorbike holiday is not the same as having to live with the fact he leaves his socks on the floor).

So my advice to you would be leave your husband because you no longer want to be married to him. Do not leave him for another relationship that may or may not work out and probably won't work out, no matter what you think or feel right now. If you're not prepared to leave your H and be single, you have fallen in love with a fantasy rather than trying to build a better future on solid foundations.

You've made some really bad decisions here, over a long period of time.

You've accepted your DH's excuses for his affair (no surprise you've never got over it).
You've reached out to an ex while you and he were married.
You've met up with him "because you were curious".
You've heard one side of the story from your AP and you've believed it (I guarantee you'd hear a different story from his wife if you ever spoke to her).
You've embarked on an affair.

You are now in a pickle because you've fallen in love with someone you almost certainly can't have.

Are you willing to start taking some good decisions? This thread is full of good advice. I would also recommend reading up on Limerence. I've also made some bad choices in life and understanding why has helped me stop making them.

I am sorry but I just can't get past the image of two middle aged people biking around the UK in their leathers. You couldn't make that shit up, it's hilarious.

I think you need to get your own bloody motorbike to ride.

This.

Your marriage is over, and has been for quite some time. His marriage is ongoing. And you have no right to force its end.

You emotionally detached from your husband after his affair. You then hitched your feelings to an ex, but I doubt it's him personally - it's your youth that you yearned for. That time before you committed to a man who then betrayed you, when the world was your oyster.

Instead of being "interested to hear other experiences", how about you wise up / grow up and stop chasing rainbows. Because I can pretty much guarantee that when he has no children still at home - he will still be there, with his wife. Your affair is stroking his ego and letting him relive his youth (could his motorbike BE any more mid-life crisis?) but you're a fool if you think it's going anywhere.

End the affair. Discuss with your husband how best to formalise the end of your marriage (division of assets, telling the children). Spend some time without being in a relationship and get your head together. Right now, you're riding for a fall.

So, you believe… meaning you don’t actually know for sure. And yet, you’re considering uprooting your entire life and moving to another country without being 110% certain? Unless he has actually left his wife—packed his things and moved out—it would be absolute madness to go through with what you’re planning.

Right now, unless he’s taken those concrete steps, you’re just his affair partner—nothing more, and I’m sorry to say that. Imagine the scenario where you move there, and he never leaves her, never separates, and you’re left stranded in this… mess. Did you even think about the possibility that he won’t leave her? What will you do then?

Ahh I'm in my 50s and just got rid of my main motorcycle, although I haven't ridden it since my 40s. Still have the leathers though but did change to canvas and kevlar jacket about 15 years ago, the leathers are just nostalgia these days.

@JoyJill

You are getting a hard time but that is because your answers are from a pink bubble of inloveness. Your AP has no impediment to leaving his family, if he is so serious about you I'd want to know why.

His only child at home is already in her 20s? Honestly if he really wanted to leave he'd have left by now. From the OP seemed like his kids were much younger.

I take it you are not Irish or have not lived in Ireland? I'm Irish. Our culture around divorce is different to the UK. Divorce only became legalised in the 90s and culturally it's really still not as normalised.

If I were you I would give him a deadline. And stick to it. Or decide if you can live with being his little secret. Have a plan b for your life that doesn't involve him because there's a high chance he'll disappoint you.

Don't move to Ireland for a fantasy.

You'll be the scarlet woman before you've even moved in. Ireland is very gossipy, everyone knows each other.

What if he dumps you once everyone knows. Then what?

Life is great as a single, most men are dictated by their dicks anyway.

Wait !! What??? 1 daughter at home in early 20's???? he is NOT staying for the kids. your fooling yourself.

Have to agree. Why is he staying for a 20 year old

I am sorry but I just can't get past the image of two middle aged people biking around the UK in their leathers. You couldn't make that shit up, it's hilarious.

Oh dear, you should get out more. People travel all over the world in every which way.

I have a friends' couple that motorbiked to India.

What would he say if you told him you're moving to his home town?

Bunch of boring martyrs on here.

However I agree that it could just be a line from him, I would see how it goes on your own first and what your relationship looks like then. Edit: Just seen how old the kid is, give him an ultimatum.

Why, all bikers are middle aged and wear leathers. It's a mid life crisis hobby.

You on the otherhand have brought immense excitement to the thread by repeating what everyone else is saying.

His dd is 20????
Yeah that's not a reason. Surely you can see that. If he wanted to leave then he would. Having an adult dd living at home is no reason to stay in the marriage. Come on.

Um, if you only want helpful comments, then maybe post something with a positive side.
This post was cringe worthy, disgusting and just plain wrong.