Long distance affair

[JoyJill]

I'm interested to hear other people's experiences on the whole affair subject.

17 years ago my hubby had an affair which lasted for 4 years off / on. He was experiencing grief, job & health issues & he dealt with it in a self destructive way. We had counselling etc. So in the end I stayed for the sake of the family but mainly for the children. But I never really got over it if I'm honest. At the time I also reached out to a significant ex who lives in Ireland via fb. He is married, has kids etc. He didn't respond.

Anyway life rolled on, me & hubby bumped along & then I lost my parents within a year of each other. Shortly after my Irish ex got in touch, hadn't seen my message was rarely on social media but was thrilled I'd reached out. This was 4 years after I'd sent the message. We then ended up messaging each other constantly. It was overwhelming the feelings it stirred up, I couldn't sleep or eat. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. After a few months I asked him to back off, I was massively grieving & couldn't cope with the intensity of our emotions on top of the grief.

For a further 5 years we messaged each other twice a year to ask how our lives were going. Usually at Xmas & in the summer. Then he contacted me to say he was coming to my home town as his daughter was at uni there now, could I meet him? I was curious so I went.

We have now been having an affair for over a year. He bought a motorbike & comes over to visit me on it, his wife hates the motorbike but we go off on it around the UK. I tell hubby I'm away with work. My AP takes my biking stuff back with him & stashes it in their garage. I have felt more alive than ever & have fallen in love with him again. But now I've decided to separate from my hubby. We have no kids at home anymore & are living separate lives. I believe it's time to live my life now. However this is where I'm stuck. My AP still has kids at home, I know the pull of staying for them. I'm more than prepared to move to be with this man to Ireland, he's made me the happiest I've been in years. However I'm not prepared to wait forever.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, interested to hear other experiences.

I’ve been having an affair with a married man for almost ten years.

He will not leave his wife. He will take the path of least resistance. If you don’t want to wait forever, then tell him he’s got until X to tell his wife. He he doesn’t want to, and I’m certain he won’t, then walk away.

You can dress this up however you want, star-crossed lovers, soul mates, true love etc but it is a sordid, dirty affair.

Why are you with this man? What could you possibly get from a relationship like this?

My AP & his wife live separate lives

Of course they do because no lying cheating POS common or garden scum bag has ever told that lie before have they? Oh wait……,

Just like every other grubby little affair, they always think they’re different and they’re soul mates destined to be together rather than accept the reality that they’re just sordid little cheats chasing g a cheap thrill

I am sure his wife doesn't love him or understand him like you do OP, they probably haven't slept together for years - or some other rubbish!
Remember what it felt like when your H cheated on you? Imagine that and worse because that is what you are doing to this sleazy mans wife.
I am sure it is all fun and games reliving your youth with a previous boyfriend on a motorbike but it probably won't end well for any of you

Good sex.

Your actually believe the pathetic cliché your boyfriend said about living 'separate lives' from his wife? 😄
That falls apart at the first hurdle, doesn't it? If it were true he'd have divorced before porking other women.

Get frequent STD tests, obviously not a word uttered by the man can be believed, so who knows how many mistresses he has.

It's all pretty humiliating. Would you not prefer to be dignified?

And that is enough to ruin another woman's life?
Honestly, I find it so sad that you think so little of yourself that you would settle for so little? Don't you want a man who loves you and wants to build a life with you?

To the people saying it's a lie saying they are living separate lives. That's not necessarily a lie. I know lots of couples who live very separate lives but haven't separated for a variety of reasons. I'm not saying an affair is right but some people are stuck in loveless and sexless marriages. Life isn't as black and white as people think it is.

Yeah I think it is.
Whether or not the guy is lying, and he doesn't have a great track record, he is still lying to his wife and the mother of his child.
There can never be any excuse for an affair.

People who cheat on their spouses always say the old 'black and white' cliche thing.

Cheating is very black and white.
Basic common sense and decency means divorce before banging pathetic liars. Simple.

It also just happens to be the oldest lie (or exaggeration) in the book, for people who want to have some extra-marital excitement in their lives.

So you'll excuse the cynicism.

Regardless of the state of his marriage, he is fucking another woman and lying to his wife and children about it. No ambiguity there and nothing excuses that behaviour.

I don’t really want to derail OP’s thread. But no, I don’t want more.

Do you think at all about his wife and family?

Of course not - her orgasms are all that’s important

And obviously there’s no single men out there to use for no strings sex after all…..

You asked for posts from people who have had a similar experience but no two relationships would be the same. Were you hoping for some “lived happily ever after stories”? I don’t think you are going to get that with this man. You’ve talked about the impact of moving to be with one another but it seems he hasn’t said, “Right let’s do it” even though you are prepared to move so he can stay near his children. He would have said that if he intended to leave his wife.

If you’ve read any posts from women who cheat or have affairs with someone else’s husband, I think you could’ve guessed that you would be criticised and get no sympathy. That aside, if he doesn’t end his marriage straight away to be with you, how long are you prepared to wait and live the half life of a side piece. It must be a miserable existence.

It really is though. That's just a well worn saying people use to justify piss poor behaviour.

Living separate lives doesn't mean it's acceptable to lie. If your marriage is over but in name there is zero reason to lie. If his marriage was so over he wouldn't be sneaking of to another country on the regular.

Imagine finding out your father regularly went to another country lying to you all to carry out an affair.

Like how do you have any respect for someone like that.

He better hope he never has a bike accident and his Irish family arrive at his bedside in the UK to find out he has another woman. It's the stuff of soap operas.

It can be lie but also not necessarily. His feelings might be authentic. None of us know.

As mentioned, I'm not condoning an affair at all but people make mistakes and are not perfect.

OP think seriously for a second.

If his wife found out tonight what do you think he'd say? Would he tell her you're the love of his life and he wants to be with you? Or do you think he would dismiss you as nothing, a mistake, just sex, soon as blink?

You are in a lose lose situation. Get out before it gets worse would be my advice

109% cheating is a choice with consequences and a ripe affect that hurts many people.

But hey as long as the star crossed middle aged Romeo and Juliet are getting a sleazy shag in a cheap hotel who gives a shit about families being broken up eh?

Moving to Ireland would be sheer folly in the current circumstances. Don't do that.

I started and almost immediately ended an affair some years ago.

I started it largely because my partner and I had separate lives and I was desperate for some intimacy, (so that bit sometimes really is true), and ended it because it was obviously a bad thing to do.

I should have 'simply' left my partner and then found another relationship when ready, and I'd STRONGLY advise you to do the same. Affairs are poison, with widespread and long lasting effects.

Do you really think if I stopped seeing him he’d start being faithful?

How could you be so cruel to another women after it being done to you?

I wish women would have each others backs a bit more. We get screwed over by men enough.

I agree and the sarcasm and vitriol aren't going to get anybody anywhere.

You need a serious amount of cognitive dissonance going on to have an affair and this kind of rhetoric wont help.