Long distance affair

[JoyJill]

I'm interested to hear other people's experiences on the whole affair subject.

17 years ago my hubby had an affair which lasted for 4 years off / on. He was experiencing grief, job & health issues & he dealt with it in a self destructive way. We had counselling etc. So in the end I stayed for the sake of the family but mainly for the children. But I never really got over it if I'm honest. At the time I also reached out to a significant ex who lives in Ireland via fb. He is married, has kids etc. He didn't respond.

Anyway life rolled on, me & hubby bumped along & then I lost my parents within a year of each other. Shortly after my Irish ex got in touch, hadn't seen my message was rarely on social media but was thrilled I'd reached out. This was 4 years after I'd sent the message. We then ended up messaging each other constantly. It was overwhelming the feelings it stirred up, I couldn't sleep or eat. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. After a few months I asked him to back off, I was massively grieving & couldn't cope with the intensity of our emotions on top of the grief.

For a further 5 years we messaged each other twice a year to ask how our lives were going. Usually at Xmas & in the summer. Then he contacted me to say he was coming to my home town as his daughter was at uni there now, could I meet him? I was curious so I went.

We have now been having an affair for over a year. He bought a motorbike & comes over to visit me on it, his wife hates the motorbike but we go off on it around the UK. I tell hubby I'm away with work. My AP takes my biking stuff back with him & stashes it in their garage. I have felt more alive than ever & have fallen in love with him again. But now I've decided to separate from my hubby. We have no kids at home anymore & are living separate lives. I believe it's time to live my life now. However this is where I'm stuck. My AP still has kids at home, I know the pull of staying for them. I'm more than prepared to move to be with this man to Ireland, he's made me the happiest I've been in years. However I'm not prepared to wait forever.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, interested to hear other experiences.

So let me get this right?! You went through the trauma of an affair. And the. decided to involve yourself in one knowing that would lead to another innocent party's trauma!

I'm sorry I have little time for affairs but even less for idiots who engage in them KNOWING damn well the pain they will cause. His poor POOR wife.

It's a sordid, selfish, entitled affair. You're not special, you're not star crossed lovers, you're not soulmates you're just two disordered people using each other for illicit highs and validation. You're picking up crumbs of this man and he's making it clear he won't leave his wife.

@Rosieposiecosy I think that covers it all nicely!!

I was in love with a married man a long tome
ago. I left my workplace and the area. One of the many difficult questions I asked myself was ‘do you really love someone if you would take them away from their children?’

I could only answer’ no’.

Because it's been long enough and he hasn't done it. His 'child' is 20. What's he waiting for?

Precisely, because he’s in a bubble, he hasn’t chosen OP, he hasn’t yet lost his wife for real, or had any experience of how painful the break up/discovery would be. Essentially she is dating someone that despite fancy words, hasn’t got over his current relationship. I’m a counsellor, and I have counselled an untold number of people who have had affairs. Men, more commonly that women, compartmentalise, and often have affairs to scratch an itch/ for variety/ escapism. The very vast majority have a whole ton of regrets upon discovery, for some they aren’t discovered and something happens that makes them realise the affair was a bit of fun, or a distraction from the realities of life. Most men would cut off the other woman without a thought upon discovery, as they desperately try to repair the damage they’ve done. This doesn’t mean that in all cases they love or respect their wife, it just means it’s their preferred option in terms of comfort, reputation, family, finances, and shared memories and life. However in more about 80% of cases I’ve experienced, the man desperately loves his wife and just lacked the emotional maturity/ thought he could get away with it/ craved variety etc. most of these men became someone a bit ‘extra’ in their affair, love declarations, letter, poems, passionate sex etc, because it wasn’t reality to them, and because they didn’t have a lot to offer the other woman to make her stick around otherwise. The amount of times I have heard “I thought I loved her but I really didn’t”, or “I told her what she wanted to hear”, or “sex was boring and I just got tempted by someone else”, or “my wife is so sweet and innocent and this woman did things that a lot of men would pay for” gross I know. The thing is you aren’t in his head to see the benefits you provide to him, but majority of cases those benefits will never outweigh what he has at home. Many men have freely admitted that their wife is more beautiful, more sensual, and they love her. ALL of them I’ve spoke to were having sex with their wives whenever she would give it to them. Many, weren’t getting it as much as they would like. This is the reality I see daily. It’s also very common for a man to have a fling with someone he knows and has built up some kind of relationship with/ or a ex. Men can be lazy and many men will take what’s on offer, without it meaning anything close to what it means to you. All the men admitted to telling all the lies I listed above, about not having a connection with their wife, not sleeping with her, separate lives is a phrase I’ve heard a lot. Many felt pushed to one side when the kids came which is telling, because the kind of man that gravitates towards affairs is generally self absorbed, they lie! If you saw their home life, guaranteed it’s not quite as he painted it, and if she touched him sexually he’s not going to be thinking of you, he’s generally going to go for it, because a lot of the time with men, the root issues is selfishness, not a lack of desire for their wife.

Why are women always portrayed as gullible victims? We have agency and make both rational and irrational choices. The OP is making a choice and is fully complicit in this affair.

Op, his daughter is 20 not 4 and she could be at home for another decade. Give him a deadline, 3 months. He either loves you enough or he doesn't.

She could give him an ultimatum, or she could walk away. Best case scenario here (for her) is that he leaves his wife to be with her. Then she’s very likely to end up with a man that is at war with his ex, financially broken, emotionally damaged, untrustworthy and distrustful (if he’s done it once he’s likely programmed that way, and he won’t trust you the way he trusted his wife, because he knows you are also able to cheat, compartmentalise and deceive people to get what you want) he will likely lose half his assets which won’t make him happy, and he will likely go through a period of mourning for his old life. He will have friction with his children and extended family, and he will see that what he got out of losing all of that, was you- and oftentimes the other woman is unlikely to measure up once the intital thrill of living together becomes the daily reality. Some men leave for the other women when they are discovered because they literally have nowhere else to go and know their family will not forgive them. Some think it’s what they want and later realise all they’ve traded in and it’s not worth it. For some it works for a time but they have a cheating nature and in a matter of years they are seeking illicit thrills again. For the small minority it works out. Best thing someone can do with a married man, is not go there to begin with. Second best thing is to walk away and find someone who is available and is trustworthy. If you’re unhappy in your marriage and can’t work it out, leave and be single until you find a man worth building something with.

Where did I say always?

And while OP is complicit and knows what she is doing, she believes him ergo gullible.

This happened to a friend of mine.

She was having a LDR with a guy in Ireland. She told him she would move there to be closer to him. He told her he didn't think it was a good idea.

She told him she had decided she liked Ireland and she would move there anyway.

He told her they were over. Turned out he did not want anything serious with her. She was devastated.

Amazingly she STILL moved to Ireland anyway, and I was never sure why. Just to prove something to herself I guess. She spent about ten years living there. I think she was hoping he would change his mind. He did not.