Long distance affair

[JoyJill]

I'm interested to hear other people's experiences on the whole affair subject.

17 years ago my hubby had an affair which lasted for 4 years off / on. He was experiencing grief, job & health issues & he dealt with it in a self destructive way. We had counselling etc. So in the end I stayed for the sake of the family but mainly for the children. But I never really got over it if I'm honest. At the time I also reached out to a significant ex who lives in Ireland via fb. He is married, has kids etc. He didn't respond.

Anyway life rolled on, me & hubby bumped along & then I lost my parents within a year of each other. Shortly after my Irish ex got in touch, hadn't seen my message was rarely on social media but was thrilled I'd reached out. This was 4 years after I'd sent the message. We then ended up messaging each other constantly. It was overwhelming the feelings it stirred up, I couldn't sleep or eat. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. After a few months I asked him to back off, I was massively grieving & couldn't cope with the intensity of our emotions on top of the grief.

For a further 5 years we messaged each other twice a year to ask how our lives were going. Usually at Xmas & in the summer. Then he contacted me to say he was coming to my home town as his daughter was at uni there now, could I meet him? I was curious so I went.

We have now been having an affair for over a year. He bought a motorbike & comes over to visit me on it, his wife hates the motorbike but we go off on it around the UK. I tell hubby I'm away with work. My AP takes my biking stuff back with him & stashes it in their garage. I have felt more alive than ever & have fallen in love with him again. But now I've decided to separate from my hubby. We have no kids at home anymore & are living separate lives. I believe it's time to live my life now. However this is where I'm stuck. My AP still has kids at home, I know the pull of staying for them. I'm more than prepared to move to be with this man to Ireland, he's made me the happiest I've been in years. However I'm not prepared to wait forever.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, interested to hear other experiences.

Ireland isn’t just a series of villages from the 1950s. You’re as likely to live somewhere where everyone knows each other in England, as you are in Ireland. Source- I’m Irish.

I was just about to say the same thing.
I wonder if his wife would agree that it's not sordid ?
You say that you never got over your husbands affair so i imagine it was very upsetting for you yet you interfered in another marriage and did the same thing.
What answers and advice do you expect ?

Is it not because it's quite expensive? Younger people probably couldn't afford it.
Disclaimer: not a biker, but I am middle aged, and won't be letting that stop me from doing what I want to do just because someone might be sneering and/or laughing at me.
Sorry for the derail!

You know how hurt you were when your dh had an affair and now you're inflicting that same pain onto another woman knowing the pain it would cause her.

Driving off in the sunset on a moterbike cringe op its not a film its not grease 2.
So many are going to get hurt in the end hes just doing it because he can and you let him your just a cheap shag to him wake up op.

Gross

Then your friends are sad old hippies. Get out more? You mean get into the 1970s more like it. Hahaha.

Leave your husband, move to Ireland, then come back and tell us all how your lover decided to stay with his wife after all. You're his sidepiece, not the main attraction, and you are deluded if you think otherwise.

My AP & his wife live separate lives, we have talked about the impact of either one of us moving to be with the other one.

Now that he knows you are separated is he on for leaving his wife as well and the two ye starting a life together?

If you give him a date / ultimatum and he says “no” by the time it comes around, would you want to move back in with your husband (assuming he wanted you back) or would you be happier and better off single?

I'd think very carefully about moving over to Ireland to be with this man.
My best friend left her husband after 25 years for a man she was having an affair with for 4 years. He'd told her that his relationship was just companionship and they didn't really get on. So she left her husband and thought he'd leave his wife!!
That didn't happen !! He just thought that he could have more sex with her because she now lived on her own , she thought that she meant the world to him.
My friend is now on her own after feeling betrayed by her affair partner , I'm not judging you but I'm just asking you to think about what you're doing.

This!!

His poor wife and kids. Although it does sound like you deserve each other, so there is that.

No, my marriage is definitely over. We are moving forward with separating. I've no regrets - would stay single.

He won't leave his wife. Sorry to be blunt.

I know that this will be hurtful to read but I also don't believe that he didn't see your message. He saw it, ignored it, got bored in his marriage and responded. I'm sorry.

This is what we are discussing. However, i did want to hear other peoples experiences of long distance affairs which is a long shot I know. I'm trying to work through a lot of stuff - there is a lot on here that I've just ignored as I'm the only one living my life as imperfect as that is.

I don't know why everyone thinks the AP is not leaving his wife.
He might. I know of men who left their wives (and three sons under 20) for a new sidepiece who was younger, not even an old flame like this situation.

Not sure I would want to bother with a long distance affair, a long distance relationship maybe but not an affair
Now that you are free, why don’t you try dating closer to where you are and see how that goes, why limit yourself to a man who isn’t available to you and lives in another country
Go out and have fun

This. My jaw just dropped and I feel stunned…wow

These are helpful comments, they just don’t tell you what you want to hear.
A shag twice a year is not even an affair. Just something on the side.

Who knows he may leave his wife now and you two can start building a life together, this is clearly what you would like and your hoping he does too

I'd only say put a time frame on it OP, the likelyhood is he'll come up with all sorts of reasons why he can't leave just yet. If he wants to he will.

And when if he doesn't, just move on with your life

He's using his daughter as an excuse. Not a great sign for the OP.

No, just people who have a different opinion on self worth, what's acceptable behaviour v what's not.

A daughter in her 20s. Yeah he isn't leaving because he can't bare to look her in the face and her know who he truely is.

Would he be OK with his daughters husband treating her like he is treating his wife. Unlikely.

A workaholic...interesting I wonder how much he is benefiting from his wife's work ethic to fund his secret life.

I actually laughed thinking if this happened in our social circle here. He would probably get somewhat of a pass from men because there is still alot of misogyny and he has roots and relationships. Women I know not as much. You on the other hand would likely always be talked about. Probably to your face to be honest. The cold shoulder would be artic. So that leave him moving to you. Which carries a massive risk of losing his relationship with his kids.

Personally had my mother decided to fck my father out following his affair two out of the three of us would have been done with him. His relationship with us now as adults is based on the strength of our relationship with our mother. We certainly wouldn't be going to the UK to see him if he shacked up with his long distance AP. One of my siblings probably would.

Out of alot of my friends any I can think of whos parents marriage has had infidelity couldn't give two shits about the cheating spouse.

My husband has zero to do with his father who cheated on his mother and he doesn't see any of the grandkids. It's as if he is dead to be honest.

It's true the level of compartmentalising that people have to deploy in their mind to undertake affairs is something else.

It's this absolute passiveness as if it just happened to them. It's fascinating really.

Leave your husband because you want to.

if AP leaves when the kids are grown then you can be together. Don’t pressure him to make the decision that you didn’t want to.

it’s not right.

I won’t mention on the affair as you know what’s right and wrong.

Sure, and the fact she is 20 does make it sound implausible, but what if she has disabilities? That would be far harder to abandon than your standard, every day 20 yr old DD.

Has that been mentioned / explored?

Why would he want to leave? He’s told OP the same story every married man who is cheating gives

They live separate lives
They don’t have sex (I’m assuming he’s said this)
she’s hyper focused on something else (kids, work, etc)
He is only staying for the kids
He doesn’t love her
He loves you
I’m assuming he said it never felt as right with her as with you
And the rest

These are the same men who will beg and cry for another chance if their wife ever finds out, no matter how much you think that’s not true in your case, vast majority of the time it is. A lot of men just like variety and a bit of excitement, they have a polygamous mindset, why would he want to lose one when he can have both? Her as the main course and you as an occasional side dish. I’m not sure what you’re stressing about, if you’re not prepared to wait forever, then leave, as his child is 20….if he really wanted only you, he’d be with you